What Else?
by Pedran
Summary: In one Universe, the new and improved Uchiha is rather happy with his new lot in life, but in another... Well, how would YOU feel waking up to be the ONE character you laugh at the most outside of the pink banshee? And by kami's grace can ANYBODY get me a pair of GLASSES! M for language and real-life scenarios; NOT YAOI. A little oc never hurt anyone. Did you just say Nephilim?
1. Wakey Wakey Little Nemo

Let me start off by saying that yes, I am fully, 100% unquestioningly aware of the… personality issues the OC has. This is intentional. The story seems disjointed as you are reading it? That's because its written FROM the perspective of the OC. Or at least I tried

Yes, this is based on "Naruto: What if...?"

I felt like writing a comedy to offset my serious book and stories.

Unfortunately, I seem to have NO capability for writing comedy. So yeah.

Sorry about that.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

Waking up with a yawn, I reached down to shift an uncomfortable feeling and realized I was literally stuck to my sheets.

"What the hell?" Haven't had THAT particular problem since I was like twelve. Feeling around for a second, my lips twitched in a frown, feels like I'm twelve again too. Guess it's colder in here than I thought. Frowning at the mess and the shrinkage I realized something else as I did my morning stretch. "SHIT!" I flew out of bed and reached for my glasses on the nightstand as I realized my alarm didn't wake me up. Again. With an hour commute to work, I could swing it if I skipped a shower and dressed while driving to work, but considering the sheet came with me when I lurched out of bed that particular idea just wouldn't happen. My Boss was gonna bitch at me. Again.

WHUMP.

"Oww..."

Somehow my bed grew nearly a foot overnight, and my legs got short. Really short. And hairy. Like. REALLY hairy. Oh, and my nightstand is missing. What the hell.

"Fell out of bed again Pup?" an amused, rough, gravelly, yet distinctly feminine voice called from the other side of the door. The door located on the wrong side of the room.

Seriously, where the hell are my glasses?

Finally stumbling awkwardly to my feet, using the bed for leverage since I felt so completely WEAK and small for some reason, an annoyed bark and a growl distracted me from further thoughts as an adorable white puppy untangled itself from the blankets dumped on the floor by my less than graceful exodus from the too-high bed.

Bark. 'Sheesh. Why you humans are always in heat...'

Huh. How in the HELL did I get all of that from a single bark? Squinting at the white ball of fur, and being the curious person I am, I decided to test my theory that I was in a rather vivid dream.

"And you know that how?"

Bark. 'Because I had to dive out of the covers in the middle of the night when you started dry-humping the bed!' Believe it or not, I even caught the annoyance in the dog's tone. Seriously.

Weird as hell. However, the dog's response did manage to prove my theory that I was dreaming rather soundly which allowed my sleep addled mind to finally relax a little after realizing I did not in fact have to rush all over the place to get showered, dressed, and out the door. Now to figure out what was going on. That meant I needed to take a trip.

I'd grown up having vivid and surprisingly detailed dreams, so from experience I knew if I wanted to find out the plot of my dreams I needed to explore. Complications of an over active imagination you could say. I didn't bother dressing, since I couldn't see well enough to figure out where the clothes were, not to mention I happened to be dreaming, as I strolled down the wooden halls in search of a way out.

Probably one of the most irritating aspect of my dreams is that I always wake up INSIDE. I swear my subconscious loves messing with me, not that I can blame it. Good pranks, even on yourself, tend to be in short supply.

"Going commando today pup?" the same feral, gravelly voice from earlier asked as I squinted at a semi-human shaped ball of fur and leather as I passed through the kitchen. Meh, she wasn't important and frankly squinting too much generally gave me a headache.

Lord I hate the dreams where I can't see shit. Always reminds me how much assholes that wear glasses to be 'stylish' irritate the hell outta me. Being completely nearsighted, I'm damned near blind at ten yards out, and it just gets worse from there. Life becomes fuzzier and fuzzier blobs that take a great deal of creativity to interpret into anything meaningful. Doesn't really affect my daily kendo sparring sessions, but that's just cause I'm that bad ass.

For a geek.

I ignored the nameless woman my brain conjured up, figuring if she held some importance in my dream I'd see her again as I strode out into the sunlight. As the door opens, my half-awake brain finally registers this dream is unusually detailed as I can clearly recall another girl and four dogs staring at me as I passed through the kitchen. Usually unimportant details like that don't really register. Huh.

Once outside though, squinting at the Japanese stylized construction around me I finally prepared to do the one thing I loved to do the most in dreams like this while keeping a wary eye out for the every annoying power-lines. My subconscious just loves shocking the crap outta me in my dreams, but that will never really stop me from doing the one thing I love the most while dreaming.

Fly.

I gathered my willpower and forcibly ignored that nagging voice in the back of my head, just like always, as I felt the air spinning under my feet. Huh. Usually it's a heady feeling before pushing off, sort of like jumping only I push the ground away. This time as I continue to focus it feels like my veins are becoming positively charged with static as the Earth's grip starts to weaken.

"Pup?" the woman asked with concern lacing her voice, apparently having followed me from the house I'd already put out of my mind. It's not like I would see it again. My subconscious can draw up all the vivid, story-like dreams it wanted. When I had this much control of my dreams I always went for the same thing and blew off whatever psychoanalytical message of vital import needed to be passed on to my conscious mind. I happen to be far too apathetic for such trivial things as stress-induced Id level suggestions to get access to my conscious brain; and definitely not when there's flying to be done.

It took longer than normal, and a much greater exertion of willpower, but I finally rose off the ground and smiled, closing my eyes as the familiar sensation of the wind against my skin enveloped my body. "PUP!" She said something else, but I rose too fast to hear whatever it might be. Not that I really cared.

I flew.

Rising higher and higher I laughed joyously as the imaginary winds of my dream buffeted against me and I finally opened my eyes to see what scene my emotive subconscious drew up for this particular night's adventure. Not that I intended to follow it, but I always enjoyed the view.

Konoha. Huh.

Too much Naruto fanfiction before bed I guess. I did note however that Tsunade's ugly face wasn't on the monument yet. The woman's beautiful, but she really should have hired better Doton users.

Deciding to do what any self-respecting Naruto fan would do in such a dream, I floated around looking for Naruto's beat the hell down apartment complex, blinking my eyes and shaking my head back and forth to shake off the strange feelings of fatigue creeping in. My subconscious always screws with me when I ignore the dream to go fly instead, but this is a new one. Usually I just find myself trapped in a warehouse or dodging power lines or something equally annoying like a storm. The sweat gathering on my short, hairy as hell boxer-clad self was definitely a new one. Especially since I tended to sleep in the buff; more comfortable that way.

Now, if I had my glasses during this particular trip, I would have realized then something was definitely out of the bounds of 'not normal' for this dream since the group of fuzzy dots on the ground nearly a half-mile below we're actually pointing up in with various reactions.

Instead I spent the next twenty or thirty minutes turning to look at the Hokage's Monument before turning back to the various buildings throughout the city while floating around aimlessly. Naruto, in theory, should have an apartment facing the monument with some plants growing on his window sill.

Huh. How come nobody ever ruined the plants hanging outside of his house? Or did they just never think of that while writing the manga?

"Inuzuka-san," a calm, robotic voice called from behind me. Ha! My imagination is awesome. An ANBU wearing a Hawk mask hovered just behind me riding a massive hawk. Massive as compared to real-life. In Naruto-verse, my brain idly noted, the thing was rather puny in comparison to say Nagato's giant multi-headed dog or even that hot Iwa chick's Queen Bee. "Are you alright?"

Spinning around proved to be a bad idea. A horribly bad idea considering how many times I blinked to fight off the encroaching nausea as my treacherous subconscious tried to ground me again.

Punk.

"Hmm... Not very creative with the mask," I noted idly, ignoring the groaning pain in my stomach as I continued to hover over the village and scan for the blonde's apartment building. I might not be able to see more than a solid white blob with smaller black blobs for windows, but I was confident I could find it. Surprised me for a minute just how many damned buildings filled the dream town.

If my ability to fly didn't suddenly give out.

That… has never actually happened before.

My addled mind noted with confusion I could actually feel the feathers of the hawk as it caught me before everything started to fade into darkness painfully. It felt like somebody pumped hydrogen peroxide into my muscles as my stomach cramped badly.

Whatever happened to just waking up at a random point in the dream?

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

Waking up... sucked.

"...kra exhau... eyes... maged... …rauma…"

Badly.

Luckily, for me, I passed out again for a good solid four or five hours.

Most everything hurt and the sunlight was WAY too damned bright even with my eyes closed. Not hearing the alarm and not feeling like going to work today anyway, I just lazily tried to flop my arm over to grab the cell phone off the nightstand and call in sick until a leather manacle on my wrist caught, holding the arm firmly in place.

Huh. Tuesday already? Wait, no… we stopped doing that years ago when she left with the keys...

Fighting back my annoyance at the migraine telling me to just keep my damned eyes closed, I opened to look around the room before realizing why it smelled like old people. The place looked a little outdated for a modern hospital, but considering the manacles holding my legs down I wasn't exactly in a position to complain.

Bark. 'Finally awake bro?' The little white dog huddled in my lap barked cheerfully.

Blink.

Whatever's in the I.V. is abstofrickinlutley awesome. No question. Now, the question is, why and how did I end up in the hospital. That also added the question of why exactly my arms were hairier than a bear's ass.

Akamaru.

Kiba's partner Akamaru is sitting in my lap and talking to me, I have more hair on my arms and legs than some baboons, I had a dream where I flew through Konoha (like I try to do in every dream... the flying), and instead of nicely pleasant white-washed walls in calming colors the room looked like something a manga author would dream up as a pseudo mixture between semi-modern technology combined with Edo and/or Meji era Kyoto.

Oh hell no.

Considering just how much of an avid reader I am, fanfiction is the only thing that keeps enough money available for food and bills. Hell, rent and the car-payment too. Escapism and imagination don't pay the bills and reading crappy authors and good authors helps with my own writing, so sue me.

Throw in my own (meager) attempts at developing my literary prowess and you've got a guy that loves stories like this, one of the longest and best written involved pokegirls oddly enough. Damn good story. I think its called Gaijin or something like that. However, I read fiction long before anyone heard of the Internet, so I currently had three fears running through my head. Scenario A had me playing the part of Thomas Covenant trying desperately to figure out what I needed to do to wake up, and what the hell happened to me. Scenario B had me living in some assholes new technological wonderland and still wondering what the hell happened to me like in Otherland. Scenario C probably scared me the most, that being this shit happened to be real, which meant my only means home would come from learning Fuinjutsu and ripping a hole in the fabric of time and space.

Either way, I'd screwed up enough things in my life, so I didn't plan on taking this situation lying down. No way in hell would I be hanging around to play the 'good guy' living it up in Naruto-verse. I have responsibilities at home. I have someone waiting for me and she's too damn important for whatever mindfreak caused me to wake up wearing a twelve-ish year old Inuzuka Kiba like a new fur coat. She'd never forgive if I just up and vanished like that. Ever. And I for one wouldn't blame her. I'm not sure I would ever stop blaming myself.

"So you gonna chew through one of these ropes for me?" I asked, directing my question to the dog staring at me intently.

Bark. 'You're not the Bro,' he said through narrowed and suspicious eyes. Narrowed and suspicious eyes on Akamaru's adorable puppy face. He didn't exactly come off as threatening. Seriously, I think Kiba just replaced Akamaru over the time-skip and hoped nobody noticed once he realized he managed to pick-up the runt of like six generations of liters.

"Got it in one pup." I threw back nonplussed, "and no, I have no idea where Kiba is, or how I got here. But. You help me keep people thinking I'm Kiba and I'll do my damnedest to get him back, because frankly I don't exactly intend on staying. I haven't got a damn clue how I ended up here in the first place."

Bark. 'Who are you?' he asked, and truthfully it was a valid question.

Considering most of the plans running through my head for tearing the timeline the hell up, there could be only one answer to that question. "Oak. Gary Oak at your service, but my friends call me Chuck." Norris that is. Okay, so there were two answers I could have gone with, but I knew the puppy would probably talk with the Inuzuka dogs about the fact that I wasn't Kiba and I really didn't know how Yamanaka's worked their mind shit. Better to give a name farther away from my original. The best way to keep something secret depended entirely on NOT telling it after-all.

Huh.

I wonder how Tsume and Hana get laid without Kiba smelling it, hearing it, or hearing about it from Akamaru. Not exactly plot vital, but they seem to have less available privacy than the Hyuugas, what with the maxed out enhanced sense of smell and hearing the Clan toted. Maybe they just don't care; the Pack really tends to be more animal than man, so maybe they just treat it like those old tribes back on the Terra Prima that live in the huge one-room cabins. Who knows?

Actually, thinking about it. The senses amongst the Inuzuka Clan probably would put a major cramp in anything I wanted... needed to do if this happened to be Scenario C. My eyes suck ass, though I do have decent night vision. I've been told before my eyes start to glow like a cat when I really get going on the few nights we spar in the dark. My sense of smell seems to still suck balls and I don't know shit about molding or even using chakra.

Shazbot. At least my hearing is good.

Bark. 'That's a lie.' Akamaru pointed out, correctly.

"Only part of it." I countered. Whether this... whatever it was happened to real or not, Akamaru might just find himself dead if he pressed too hard to find out more about me. Hell, not even the friends I sparred with on a daily basis even really knew anything about me. I happened to be a very private person and the dog wasn't likely to change that. Earth has laws, cameras, and excellent CSI teams to prevent the sort of actions I'll probably end up taking in the coming months if I can't wake the hell up and/or get the hell out within the next week or two. The Elemental Nations? Not so much.

'Tch. Fine. So... Chuck?' The dog asked, skepticism laden in his tone. Seriously, this whole understanding barking thing really made my head hurt.

"Chuck."

'Tch.'

And thus defined my new relationship with a VERY snarky little white puppy.

I'd known the little brat for less than ten minutes and I already understood why Kiba spent so much time ignoring the little white rat in the anime, even if his level of intelligence surprised me.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

Getting OUT of the hospital proved to be relatively easier than getting in.

Using Kiba's rather sharp claws, the leather manacles proved to be practically no challenge... Yeah, no, that's a lie. I chewed through one of the worthless strips of hardened rawhide while the reincarnation of Alf continued to make snarky annoying remarks. I commented idly between bites that hot dogs were still made using canines where I came from.

Shut his little condescending ass right the hell up.

Kiba's outfit... really sucked. The hooded sweater probably would have been alright if Snarky didn't decide to point out that the fur lining Kiba's jacket was made from the pubes of various Inuzuka dogs as a rite of passage for clan-members. Weird thing about it? I couldn't tell if the little shit pulled my legs or not; stupid ninja training. Come to think of it, that probably needs to go on the list of stuff to work on. Trying to hide my vast knowledge of the future (if this wasn't one of those freaky alternate universe type situations) in a village with living lie detectors will probably prove difficult if I can't learn to consciously control my heartbeat, breathing, and unconscious fight or flight reactions.

I decided to exit the hospital the same way I went in.

Flew my happy ass out right out the window like a BOSS.

Not even Hatake can pull off this kinda style. I can almost imagine the grey-haired semi-useless slacker pulling a Gai with anime tears while lamenting my level of badassery.

Blink. Whoa, whatever that I.V. pumped into me really held good stuff.

Akamaru ended up seated down within the jacket just like Kiba always did; though I threatened to neuter him if he crapped or pissed on me, and played like a car's GPS as Snarky provided the instructions I needed to head off for my first destination.

I might a badass geek, but I'm still a geek. Where do geeks go when they need information to evaluate their current situations and come up with a plan? That's right you little twerps, the Internet. (Has your junk dropped yet?) In a world WITHOUT said awesome source for information and WAY too much adult content, where do geeks go?

"Hi-ho hi-ho, it's off to the Library I go."

"Oh hi Kiba-kun," one of the ...girls on the corner said as I chanted that while hopping through the various pedestrians blocking my path to the next turn. If the hair on the legs and noticeable bulge on ...her neck could be trusted, I doubted the 'girl' statement, but I try to be an open-minded person. "Didn't see you there. Are we still on for Friday?"

Gross. Just... gross. "Um... No. Just... No." I had nothing more I could say than that.

Bark.

I ignored that. Little shit. Though I did vow to put a visit to the village Hospital on my list for things to do, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if Kiba had the clap and I never experienced that in my own body. I certainly don't want to experience such an interesting sensation in someone else's body.

Hmm... Nice Library. Scrolls. Every single damned book in the entire library was a scroll except for those written by the perverted Sennin. Now where are the damn scrolls on History. After looking around for a solid five minutes I wanted to start cursing like a sailor as I realized just how much difficulty I was having with reading even some of the simplest signs.

Damnit.

"Alright Snarky, you're gonna love this," I growled in a whisper, feeling a little better for it and desperately hoping the feral nature of my current body's genes didn't affect my brains. Hana seemed like a friggin genius right? Kiba hopefully got some of those genes. Nerd that I am, I'm not sure I could stand it if the damn body I inhabited screwed with my mind. I love my mind. It is precious to me. "Where..." Kami this was embarrassing as hell even if realistically I had no choice. "Where are the children's books for learning to read?"

I really wanted to eat Snarky for a few minutes when it took nearly ten minutes for him to stop his barking laugh.

It did piqué my curiosity though that apparently I could SPEAK the language well enough, but I couldn't read anything. Maybe Kiba faked his way through the Academy?

Bark. 'Figured it out yet,' the dog asked as he skillfully navigated the dozens of rows of carefully preserved scrolls.

"I always knew you were the brains of the operation," I mumbled.

Brains. Shikamaru. The Rookie 12.

Shit.

"Hey snack-cake. What err. Huh. In relation to graduation day, what day is it?" The should at least give me SOME idea of when the hell it is.

Bark. 'You woke up yesterday morning and went for your Flasher-Flight. Graduation was the day before that.' Snarky quipped... snarkily.

Huh. So Naruto just found out about the Fox huh. I just sighed. The timing just SCREAMS Scenario C. Suck. That also gives me roughly two weeks before team placements to learn how to read Kanji, find a dummy's guide to Fuinjutsu (hey, I might be a geek, but I'm lazy when it comes to learning information), and...

Damnit.

... figure out some way to alter the stupid team placements. I guess I am a bleeding heart liberal at the core. Who knew, right?

Speaking of Ridalin's Most Wanted, I need some PVC and a bucket. Hmm… and a chess board, I'm so not learning shougi. Little punk can probably learn chess in about ten minutes with his shadow clones.

But first, I need to raid this damn scroll-haven for some basics on chakra manipulation, theory, and... children's how to read books. I swear the gum-popping librarian couldn't wait to get me away from her register so she could call all her gossipy friends.

And I need some glasses damnit. I can't see shit.

Squick.

SEE what I mean?

New shopping item on the ever growing list. Closed-toed shoes.

Eww.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -

As the sun fell on my second day in Konoha, I felt at least some hope towards managing to pull this thing off. I might be reality displaced, and probably dealing with the annoyingly frustrating Scenario C, but at least I found some beginner books on sealing, chakra control, and reading.

Akamaru proved to be a practical gold mine of chakra knowledge and the generic 'how-to' of accessing chakra due to having been through his own training in Inuzuka ningen techniques.

The Will and the Word.

That could probably be the best comparison to accessing and manipulating chakra that Chuck could come up with. Gogo David Eddings. Chakra flowed through everyone and every single thing on the planet in an ever churning river. The stronger the shinobi, the more physical chakra available for long-term fights. The smarter or better educated the shinobi, the more mental chakra (or ki) available for precision work such as medical jutsu and genjutsu. By forcing their Will upon themselves, shinobi could access their chakra and begin to manipulate it.

Which begs the question why did the Genjutsu Mistress of Konoha get placed as the jonin-sensei of a Hyuuga, an Inuzuka, and an Aburame? Hinata, as the Hyuuga Heiress, is not allowed to learn genjutsu because of the clan's traditions; Kiba, at least in the series, tended to be far too physically reliant and emotional for the fine control needed for genjustu; and finally Shino, as an Aburame, physically couldn't use true genjutsus because of the symbiotic relationship the boy held with his colonies of kikaichu bugs.

I vowed to really speak with the Sandaime about team placements. It seemed like the only members of the Rookie 12 actually put with a valid sensei were Shikamaru and Team Gai. Though, thinking about it, Shikamaru probably could have done better with a much less lazy sensei like Kurenai. Asuma and Kakashi weren't exactly the paragons of hard work and effort when it came to training their students.

A memory of a blonde haired babe flashed in my mind for a minute before I forcibly pushed it aside. I'd get back to her if it was the last damn thing I did.

I sweated profusely as I tried to hold one of Kiba's kunai against my chest again with chakra. Kakashi's training stated that manipulating chakra through the feet due to how far the chakra had to stray from the chakra network. Adding that with knowledge about Lee's Gates (including the locations of them) and I figured that the hands and feet were the two places chakra stayed the furthest away from and became the most difficult to manipulate. Crawling before walking or running and all that.

I'd managed it once, but the sensation was strange and left me a little confused. I always thought of chakra of this… fleshy… fluffy mass that ninja manipulate using 'hands' in their minds. Instead it seemed like flexing a muscle in a very uncomfortable and unfamiliar way. Like twitching your ears by twisting your jaw or maybe kegels. The last two hours made me really wonder how exactly chakra strings were created.

Maybe Suna had a different way of accessing their chakra than Akamaru knew of? It would make sense considering the physical nature of most Inuzuka attacks and abilities.

By the time the sun fully set, around nine o'clock by Kiba's watch meaning the Land of Fire probably sat around the equator, I'd already gotten to the point of holding the kunai in place on the back of my hand upside down and started on the kunai floating exercise. Stressful work to be sure, but chakra seemed to be the thing that made the shinobi world work and I needed to be fit enough to 'be' a genin in less than two weeks.

Sadly, my reading lessons would have to wait a little longer.

Worse, the next few minutes would completely derail any plans I've managed to put together since waking up this morning.

"Training for once Pup?" the gravelly voice from earlier echoed across the clearing, a loud huff and a thump signaling the woman's arrival, though I noted a distinct hint of menace in her voice.

I squinted in her direction to try and at least identify the woman since other than the ANBU she's the first person I've seen up close since arrival, but my eyes really did suck. Nothing but a fuzzy blob.

Meh.

"Um… yeah. Gotta be ready and all that!" I said loudly with no small amount of bravado, trying to play off Kiba's generally idiotic attitude.

"Humph." Came her only reply. Hana? Tsume? Some other clan member not important enough for me to have bothered with? "And you wanna explain what happened yesterday?"

"Heh… well, I just felt like flying." I replied distractedly, focused instead on the sharp implement of pointy stabbity pain floating over my hand.

"You…" she paused, annoyance heavy in her voice, "You just FELT like flying. That's the most ridiculous thing I've EVER HEARD! YOU SCARED ME TO DEATH INUZUKA KIBA!" the woman screamed as she got right up in my face. Then the kunai landed point first in my palm again. Ouch.

Oh look, she's finally close enough that my shitty assed eyes can see her.

Tsume. Definitely Tsume.

Wow. Kiba gets his hygiene habits from her mom. Talk about the need for a breath-mint and a bath. Maybe twice. For both.

Before I continue my very long monologue, I feel I should point that I am an EXTREMELY sarcastic person. Generally I have a filter over my mouth, and words, and personality, and... well you get the idea, but I have been training pretty much non-stop for about five hours without having eaten anything today after waking up from, apparently, chakra exhaustion.

Filter. Off.

"Wow, breath-mint much? And when was the last time you had a bath? Damn woman, you could stink a skunk out of their den." I said, frowning as I pushed the woman to arm's length by her shoulders. My next words however were much less distracted and much louder. I did NOT sound like a whiny girl. "Ow ow ow ow ow…" What the hell is it with mothers and twisting the ears?

I dealt with it though, simply because I didn't really want to break my cover so soon.

"Oh hell no. You don't talk to your mother like that Pup." Tsume growled out angrily, stomping a sharp heel on my bare toes. Definitely need new shoes. "Think you're some big bad ninja now do you?" she spat, clocking me upside the head with her free arm before ramming a knee into my stomach. All while dragging my currently unhappy ass through the backstreets outside the training grounds. Wow, Kiba's mom is really abusive. "Went to the Chunin Exams and got all the way through the second phase. I'm SSSOOO impressed. Too bad you got your ass kicked by that clanless, worthless piece of shit trash."

Wait wait… what?

"Um… what day is it again?" I asked with narrowed eyes, forcibly yanking my ear away from her clawed fingers, completely ignoring the bleeding slash she managed to rip into it. I've had worse, usually daily, pain ringing through my ears from shinai during daily sparring. That or beaning myself over the head at the garden center. What can I say, outside of spars I'm a complete putz.

"Oh, hit your head harder than you thought, huh Pup?" she snorted, AMUSED at the idea of my possible memory loss. I'm not sure how to feel about that, but Inuzka Tsume definitely isn't going to be winning any 'Mother of the Year' awards anytime soon. "You got your butt kicked, then farted on by the Uzumaki brat. I can't believe you lost to that thing." The last sentence happened to be muttered, but unfortunately for Kiba's mom I'd always spoken a rather fluent mumble thanks to my older brother. The very fact that she actually mumbled knowing exactly how good her son's hearing is almost threw me for a loop, but she just handed out a GOLDEN opportunity. A golden opportunity to get the hell rid of her.

"Thing?" I asked dangerously, cutting off whatever rant she started putting together. "You're calling one of my best friend's a THING. What kind of Inuzuka are you?"

"Excuse me?" she growled out sharply, her partner Kuromaru adding a warning growl of his own.

"You just called Naruto a THING. Naruto. My comrade. My friend. One of this village's biggest heroes." I spat back, intimidated not in the slightest. Jonin she might be, but I've got one thing Kiba's mom doesn't. I can fly bitch. "I want to know WHY. Now."

The Inuzuka Clan-Head took a step back for half a second at the command in my tone before her Pack instincts flared. I knew pushing the leader of the Pack probably wasn't the smartest idea. Well, no, I knew it definitely was a stupid idea, but once it crossed my brain I just ran with it. This'll give me the perfect opportunity to train the living, breathing ramen disposal while dodging any of the awkward questions that might come up about my sudden change in attitude and intelligence. It isn't like Naruto's going to notice any differences.

Cute kid. Dumb as a rock.

"Know your PLACE, PUP!" she snarled out, unconsciously activating at least part of her Beast Mimicry as her teeth and claws elongated and sharpened considerably. "YOU do not make demands of ME." Avoidance. I can work with this.

I closed my eyes and focused my Will and held my hands with fingers interlinked and pinky outstretched as I started floating off the ground. Opening my eyes as I channeled my Will through them to get a nice glowing glare(practiced almost first thing in a kunai), I gave a pointed look and a growl to Kiba's mother like a REAL Alpha, not a bully with a superiority complex. "Are you one of them? The demon haters? The people that left Naruto alone and abused his entire life? Are you one of them? Is that why no-one in our clan ever bothered to help him?" Her claws and elongated fangs vanished as a well-spring of guilt practically burst on to her face as she took another step back. The fact that her cycloptic companion whimpered and hit the ground just added some awesomesauce.

Oh yes, I could work with this.

Have I mentioned yet the only reason people don't think I'm a complete ass is because of the filter? Yeah, about that.

"I see." I hissed at her, completely pretending to be utterly and horribly offended and shocked by 'my' mother's racist nature towards the village jinchurikki.

It took a few seconds of silence, but her Alpha (*cough*tsundere*cough*) nature flared back up as predicted. "We will NOT be discussing this. How our…"

Perfect. Guilt trip time.

"I'm ashamed to be an Inuzuka." I cut in sharply with a growl, wishing Inuzukas had a clan symbol I could rip off dramatically. Instead I just spit at 'my' mom's feet, pumped up the Will, and forced my slightly reluctant body to shoot out right up and over the nearest apartment building, aiming for Naruto's favorite spot. If the slight clenching of my stomach is any indication, I'm dangerously low on chakra and I don't really want to collapse again before I can start the next stage of my completely spur of the moment plan. "I think I'll look for other lodgings for a while. I'm not sure I can stand the SMELL around the Clan Compound." This actually was rather true. I had NO intention of spending my spare time scraping out the kennels for lazy assed older chunin and jonin.

Not to mention I still need to set a certain snarky little white shit-stain on fire for lying to me about the date.

Damnit, now I needed to change ALL of my plans. Instead of well over six months AND the possibility of pulling in Zabuza and Haku for some major Deus Ex Machina shit, I'd need to pull something out of my own ass. That means coming up with a completely random, unpredictable, completely out of thin air plan for stopping a few hundred shinobi from potentially killing the one old man that would help me figure out a way home. Even if I'm fairly certain the old monkey's compromised in a rather Danzo style way.

Lady luck seemed to be on my side for the moment however as guess who happened to be squatting his depressed ass on the top of his pop's head?

Blink.

Since when do I say 'Pop' instead of 'Dad'. Weird.

"Hey! Naruto!" I called, startling the shrimp as I floated up right in front of him.

"Holy shit dog-breath! Since when can you FLY!" he screamed comically, flailing his hands about as he tried not to fall from his perch. Good idea too since a falling from this height pretty much guarantees a most embarrassing death for the Leaf's most promising genin.

"I'll teach you, but you gotta help me out first." I said smoothly, figuring hey, if ANYBODY can use the ability to fly, imagine hundreds of blonde knuckleheads raining down exploding tag covered sharp pointy doom while hovering around in the air like a BOSS (*cough*Gaara*cough*). Speaking of, I quickly flopped down beside him when I realized I'd broken out into a slight sheen of sweat. This flying stuff can really wear a guy out.

Holy hell. I'm about to create a monster.

"Ehh… Like what?" he asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. Little squirt probably thought I was trying to get him back for the whole fart in the face thing. Eh, not my style. Well, if it had been ME, yeah. I'd prank the hell out of him, but it isn't like I remember it, neh?

"Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. You give me a place to crash for the month possiblylonger, and I'll teach you everything you need to know to kick Neji, Sasuke, AND Gaara's asses in the Finals!" I declare boldly, giving a rather feral smirk to the still suspicious looking blonde.

Whoa, did I send him off into a trap or something before?

"Why? And how. I DID just kick your ass dog-breath," he asked carefully, his eyes taking on a semi-slit look a lot closer to that of Kiba's mom as they flickered to and fro while watching for my answer and reaction.

"Well… I kinda sorta don't have a place to crash at the moment. I found out from and overheard conversation just where… and WHO that weird chakra came from." While saying the last part I gave him a rather intent look before glancing at his stomach. "Let's just say I can't exactly agree with how one of my friends has been treated over the years and leave it at that, ja?"

"F-Friends?" Naruto asked hesitantly, practically channeling a frightened kitten (or fox kit?) trapped in a corner. The color that drained from his face during my speech rapidly returned as a heavy pink flush spread up his neck and ears even as his eyes started to shine suspiciously and filled with a desperate level of hope. Oh hell. Now he's gonna be that puppy I fed once that wouldn't leave. Kinda forgot how lonely he was at this point in the plot. Now I'm gonna feel like a total ass when I amscray later on him.

Oh well, done is done I guess. No use crying over spilled milk. Or guts.

"Yeah. Friends. As in people who care about one another in a strictly platonic don't ever go gay on me ever for any reason ever, kinda way. Others? Go for it, just not me. Ja?"

"Err... Okay I guess." Naruto mumbled with a befuddled look, scratching hard at his temple. Cute. "Friends!" He declared triumphantly, a wide and happy smile on his face even I pretended not to see him scrub furiously at his face with that hideous jumpsuit.

Lord Almighty I'm a horrible person. Maybe I should just go find a few puppies to drown while I'm at it. Besides Snarky, he'd get something special for the stunt about the date earlier. I don't have half a year to plan for and derail an invasion, I have roughly a month. Bloody beauty-friggin-ful.

Anyway... "Here's the thing on training bro. I know a trick that will set you up faster than anyone would believe possible as the next Hokage, but you can't for any reason tell ANYONE. This shit is important. Got it?" I leveled a very draconian stare at the blonde, knowing from Yamato's experience just how to keep the rather easily scarred genin in line.

Surprisingly, his eyes darkened in a suspicious, nearly feral look that sent alarm bells ringing through my head after re-evaluating. Oh somebody was gonna pay for this shit. "NOT like that. Nothing that would harm you, the Leaf, or Fire Country, ever. I swear on my dead mother's soul."

"But your..."

"Not important. The question is, do you believe me?" I asked intently, knowing damn well that the blonde nearly constantly used his ability to detect negative emotions on a subconscious level. I might be a functioning sociopath with unmentionable tendencies that I'd rather not think about, but hey, I'm a good guy.

The blonde nodded, albeit slowly.

"Good. The reason you can't tell anyone has to do with politics," I say more gently, looking out over the village. Truthfully, convincing a twelve year old his instruction as intentionally stunted by the one person who loves him most in a very bass-akwards display of affection was a difficult endeavor. Doing it for (to?) someone who grew up programming themselves to be dumb as a rock when comprehending bad things to avoid more emotional pain made it worse.

Hmm... Maybe a different strategy...

"Politics?" Naruto asked quietly, obviously trying to respect the silence that descended down on me for a minute.

I nod slowly, scratching my chin. Damn, already missing my goatee and Kiba's got the facial hair of a prepubescent. Argh. "Politics. What do you suppose would happen Naruto if the 'demon' suddenly looked like he was going to turn into an S-Ranked ninja over the next few years, or even months?"

Naruto didn't answer, but the dullness that filled his eyes said he understood, probably better than I did.

"I see you get it. That's one of the reasons I've never shown people I can fly either," I hint, lying through my teeth, "because even prominent Clan Heirs are known to disappear. Look at what happened to your team-mate's clan."

"Sasuke?" Naruto asked softly, genuine affection and concern in his tone. Wow, the real Naruto is deeper than even the fanfiction writers know. "I know about his brother, but...?"

"But what am I getting at?" I finished for him, earning an earnest nod while the kid looked at me like some sort of sage on high. "Think about it for a second Naruto. When you pulled your pranks, how long until the ANBU were on your tail? Now apply that to someone using the masses of chakra it would take to silence and entire clan permanently."

"But... But Itachi..." Naruto started, confused though I could tell he got it.

"Was a scapegoat." I finished for him, "Sort of like you kid. He took all the attention and negativity on to himself, despite the fact that there was no way he managed to kill over five dozen people that knew exactly how he fought alone in a single night alone. The chakra exhaustion alone would have dropped him before he made it outside the village's detection barrier."

Since I spoke slowly and TO him, instead of at him or in an effort to make him go away faster, the little brat got it in one go.

"So they didn't want to train me because they still needed a scapegoat." The blonde muttered dejectedly, a rather dark and mutinous look crossing his features.

"Yes and no." I stated, confusing him out of his Sasuke-moment. "You weren't trained because people are jackasses and Kakashi is a shitty teacher. Got an expression for that I've heard a few times over the years. 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Everyone else just profits from it.' Means that your lack of good training isn't exactly intentional, but nobody was going to look a gift horse in the mouth either."

"Who are you?" He asked suddenly, startling me out of my rather macabre thoughts on the idea that Naruto MIGHT actually exist. No-one should have to live that life. It's happened too many times over the years for me to feel any differently about.

I stifled back a yawn before managing to reply. "Tch. And they call you dead-last. Figured me out already huh?"

Naruto nodded, looking wary, but still trusting.

"Oak. Gary Oak. I have no idea how I got here or why, but I seem to know all about YOU." I saying, poking him in the chest with my finger. "Don't blow my cover though kid. I'll play the good little moronic, perverted Kiba until I can figure out a way to go home."

Shit. There's that 'you just murdered my puppy with my kitten's freshly ripped out spine by way of rectal induced brain puncture' look again. Damn. Um.

Shit.

"You aren't staying?" The human guilt trip practically begged, despite only knowing me since I flew the hell up here to escape the smell of Tsume. That woman really needs a bath.

Wonder if that's why Kiba's dad left. Too much tuna for a dog person.

"I... I can't Naruto." I say after a heavy sigh.

"Why?"

Such a simple question. Such a complicated answer.

I guess it's just part of who I am. I can't stand to see a child being abused. How could I possibly be willing to put up with something like that.

The babe flashes in my head again; her cute blue eyes such a similar shade to Naruto's own.

"Because..."

As much as an asshole as I am, I just can't stay because...

I have to at least do something for Naruto because...

"Because I have to find a way back to my daughter."

Crying blue eyes that practically scorched my very soul.

- 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 -


	2. Hammertime

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

"Because I have to find a way back to my daughter."

Naruto didn't ask anything else after that, thankfully, and agreed to let me crash at his place. We kept conversation light on the way back to his apartment as the blonde gave me an impromptu tour despite the late hour, but I couldn't shake the feeling I was forgetting something important. Something that would probably bite me in the ass eventually, but as tired as I was I just couldn't figure it out at the moment. Maybe after a night's sleep.

Then I needed to hit the Hyuuga Compound.

Bark.

Aaaaannnddd there it is.

"You aren't gonna let this to are you?" I asked carefully, already fairly certain of the answer.

Bark.

"Yeah. Didn't think so. We'll talk after the twerp goes off to train in the morning."

Bark.

"No I didn't lie to Naruto. I DO know how to train him. I just don't know how to USE the training myself. Yet. And no, he isn't THAT big of a loser. Well, yeah he is, but he's got more potential than anyone since the Rikkoudo Sennin. Trust me."

Bark.

"Yes. He IS currently a worthless shinobi, but trust me."

"I'm right here you know," Naruto mutters petulantly, a dark cloud hanging over his head as he unlocked his little studio apartment. I look around at his ratty assed, damn near worthless room.

What a dump. The village definitely has their priorities straight. Clan Survivor A comes from a wealthy clan who never had a member that betrayed the village whose father happened to be the Fourth Hokage. Let's give him a dump. Clan Survivor B is a confirmed flight risk with sociopathic antisocial tendencies whose father happened to die thanks to a planned coup de tat. Let's give him a whole damn fifth of the village.

Yeah. This shit is gonna have to go.

"Yeah. I know. But trust me when I say your current level of skill is a rank called 'Cannon Fodder' to the people coming for you."

"Coming for me?"

"Later. Sleep now, long expositions later. Just think super-mega-badasses bent on world domination that Zabuza would run from. Sweet dreams." I could tell he didn't know what exposition meant, but he pretended to. Cute kid.

Thirty minutes later I almost wanted to give up on sleep. My eyes closed well enough, but I couldn't relax. I couldn't bring myself to sleep.

Because if I woke up here tomorrow I might just break down.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

The sunrise woke me up the next morning.

I was stuck to my sheets again. Along with a morning companion.

I also happened to still be in Naruto's apartment sleeping on the floor.

Damnit.

More annoying? Naruto started sniffing the air with a frown before I could hop into the shower and get the mess cleaned up. Lord Almighty if I ever find out who dropped me here there's going to be some points made with the idiot. Lots of points. The sharp pointy kind.

Getting Naruto to teach me the shadow clone jutsu proved to be easy.

Learning it? THAT proved to be impossible. I'm not sure I can wrap my brain around the idea yet. Oh well, Plan B then.

"You said last night you were training with Ero-Sennin right?" I asked over breakfast.

Ramen. Without hot sauce or eggs. Blech.

"SLURP. Yeah. Pervy Sage is REALLY strong! And he's gonna teach me summoning. It's awesome!" The naive blonde cheered. Guess the old perv hasn't told him not to use the only thing he'll be taught over the coming weeks in the Exams yet. I almost want to be there for THAT explosion. Happened off-screen in the anime.

Oh, and yes. He actually SAID the word slurp. That wasn't him making a slurping sound. Cute kid.

"Send a shadow clone instead. He'll bugger off to go peep after a few minutes anyway. Just have the first clone hide nearby and make others as needed. If the old man asks, just tell him you're working on your stealth skills." I say airily, gesturing with my chopsticks.

"Um... Okay..." He mumbles out confused. Still does it though.

I have got to work on how trusting this kid is. Won't touch it without a plan though. Naruto-verse probably couldn't handle an Uzumaki Naruto with my level of embittered realism.

The only reason I never started torching things to start from scratch back on Terra Prima was due more to the fact that I would get caught before I finished than the goodness of my heart.

Bark. 'How is the blonde even still alive?' Akamaru asked sarcastically as he mirrored my thoughts, lifting his noodle covered face from one of Naruto's broken bowls. We'll need to go shopping soon.

"Hmm... Leave me say... a dozen shadow clones or so, then go get at least say… three dozen ration bars. You'll need them." Putting my words to action, I tossed the kid my wallet. What do I care about Kiba's money? I bet he just ganks it from the clan account and spends it on hookers anyway.

I really need to make that hospital visit.

Naruto frowned at not only being summarily dismissed, but sent on an errand to boot. At least he went though. "Ah... Okay."

I sent a handful of the clones off to get the supplies I needed for my demonstration, after telling them to transform as Sasuke to practice infiltration skills and save some money, while jotting down some notes on a an old ramen cup. Would you believe the kid doesn't have ANY paper?

Bark. 'And what should I do oh glorious bossy-one?'

Something neat? Naruto does have duct-tape. I pulled a YouTube and taped his snarky butt to the wall and gave him a glue-filled muzzle. That'll teach the little white shit-stain to lie to me about the date.

It took about an hour for the clones to get back with the supplies I needed to set to work. Brat didn't even question why he knew to meet me on the roof after I clobbered one of his clones. Oh well. All in good time.

"How's your clone doing with Ero-Sennin?" I asked casually while putting a rather odd looking contraption together.

"Meh. Alright. Pervy Sage knew right off he was a clone, and then went off to peep." See? Clueless. I actually had some theories about that though.

Naruto tends to block out that which causes him emotional pain and seems to be able to fight through physical pain on a level that would decimate dozens of grown strong-assed men. 50 ryo says he just blocks out the incoming memories from his usually short-lived clones because they, literally, only know a short life of pain or fighting.

"Good. I'll get to you in a sec Minions." There. Finishing touches are in place. "Naruto. Head for your normal stomping grounds and make about one hundred clones. Have them follow these instructions."

"Ah... I can't read this." He says after a second.

Damnit.

"Fine, then write this down. Ready?" I intentionally go slow and make sure he's getting it all. "Have ten of them take a nap. Wake them up every hour and have them fill in with the rest, then replace them for another nap. Good so far." Nod, no obvious frustration. Good. "Have the rest of them split up into three groups. Group 1 needs to focus on throwing anything and everything you have at Group 3. Group 2 needs to focus on attacking Group 3 in taijutsu. Group 3 should split up into groups of four and work solely on not getting dispelled. I want you in there with Group 3. Good so far?"

"Ano... What's this for aniki?" Holy Log I earned an endearment. To be honest I expected him to ask about some super-cool new jutsu. Damn his teachers sucked.

"Dodging practice, learning to conserve chakra, build your reaction speed, testing your sensory abilities, and tactics. I'll explain more later. The less clones get dispelled, the more chakra you have for jutsu. We'll start those tomorrow." I know my own fighting ability sucks (in comparison to the average chunin), so I don't plan on really contributing to the Invasion. Which means getting Naruto strong then unleashing the blonde haired kid frowning heavily at me. He's gonna be a damn Hero. "Oh, and any time a clone from Group 3 gets dispelled, replace it with one from either Group 1 or 2. Keep the groups full, and keep this motto running through ALL of your heads: 'Getting hit means failure'. The last rule here is the most important. Every hour, on the hour, I want you to eat two of those ration bars I had you buy. I know they're nasty, but trust me."

"Neh... Okay I guess." He mumbles with heavy doses of both annoyance and frustration rolling off of him in waves.

"Naruto. Wait." I grab a minion (shadow clone) and drag it into the stairwell. "I AM training you, and I'm not going to ignore you or pawn you off, but your physical body doesn't need to be here for this." Then I clobber the clone and look back towards the original. Eyes wide. Check. Feral grin, elongated fangs, and vibrating level of excitement.

Shit. This won't end well. Probably for Iruka.

I blinked as I frowned and cocked my head after catching movement on a nearby rooftop. I might be blind as hell, but that never stopped me from seeing things move. There happened to be a reason I kicked so much ass in pad-less, helmet only, stop when you can't move or your opponent surrenders kendo.

The 'official' tournament is just that. For tournaments. You wanna learn how to fight, grab a couple of kunai and go to town.

Hmm… I need to get a daisho pair…

Blink.

Scratch that. The image I just had of slicing off my own leg sucks. I need to get some boken. Once I trust Kiba's body enough with them, THEN I'll get a daisho pair. Probably want to start with a thirty-six incher from blade to pommel; Kiba is just too young to properly use a katana length blade without some good practice. Perhaps a pair of ninjatos? No, I'd develop too many bad habits too quickly and bad habits here don't just earn you a bad bruise on the forearm, they lose you the forearm.

So definitely a wakizashi sized boken to start for actual combat. Now where am I going to get a hold of the right equipment to run my muscles against a much greater weighted blade. Bowflex isn't exactly around the area. Oh. Right. Lee. I'll just get a set of his weights and strap it down to a fifty-two incher boken. That'll give me both reach and strength training.

"Ano…" Oh. Heh. Oops. Forgot to tell Naruto that's all I had for him there for a minute. Oh well.

"Two last things. One, pretend the ANBU are after you and put your stealth skills to the max on the way to the training field. Two, do not under ANY circumstances walk through town at any time in the next month as yourself. Allow your clones to do so, but you will not. I'll explain tonight why." He definitely frowned at that. This lesson might just be the hardest I'll ever teach him, but it's also going to be the most important. If Naruto can get into the habit of NEVER appearing as himself, he will literally be unstoppable as his stealth skills grow. How to sell it to him though…. Got it. "Just think of it as the biggest prank you'll ever play Naruto. Everyone will think you are in one place thanks to your main clone with Jiraiya, while you can be anywhere else you want. I'll even give you permission to be yourself while at Ichiraku's, but only there." I knew I had him at the word prank, and looking down I realized the glue managed to finish setting. "Here's the MOST important part of the prank though. You can NOT act like yourself. If you are running around as Ino, be a ditz. If you're running around with Shikamaru, be lazy. If you are running around with Iruka-sensei, be polite and professional. Understand?"

The blonde frowned, tossing out that whole cutesy nose scrunch only kids are capable of as he tried to console himself at the idea of NOT being, well, himself. "But…"

Oh right, his existence thing… how to… hm…

"Here's the MOST important part," I say after the blonde stared at the roof in silence for a second, "Have a clone nearby listening in AFTER you leave, that way you can find out EXACTLY what happened when it dispels and no-one will even know they got pranked! Best part about all of this? You can literally BE EVERYWHERE. KNOW EVERYTHING." I said the last few sentences ominously with a grin three times as feral as Naruto's own from that.

Give me three weeks and Uzumaki Naruto will be the Spymaster of Konoha and the baddest motha 'effer to walk the village.

Speaking of which… Time to show Naruto just WHY he was going to be such a badass. "Well I guess the physical training can wait a few more minutes. Since you're still here twerp, you wanna see what all of this junk is for?"

Grinning widely and practically vibrating in place, Naruto's head gave an accurate representation of a bobble-head as he tried to forcibly either rip his own head off or give himself whiplash. It's a wonder the kid EVER paid attention in class. He's worse than a squirrel drinking caffeine while huffing speed.

Random thought. I wonder what Naruto would be like if I got him stoned. The kid would probably kick Shikamaru's ass at shougi while eating the Akimichi out of house, home, AND compound. Shelve that idea for now.

"Really. Now the hard part..." I muttered the last bit as I realized a flaw in my genius plan. I have the social skills and tact of a rock. Geek here. Hmm... Then again. Naruto's pretty much in the same boat so... Tact? Meet window... "Yeah okay that'll work."

"What will aniki?" Naruto asked curiously, his baby blues practically sparkling in near-fanboy level of focus. Think of a lovely, adorable, cute as a button puppy. Now multiply it by like fifty. I bet he could unfreeze Arthas' frozen heart with a look like that.

"So anyway dead-last," I throw in, completely ignoring (at least outwardly) Naruto's gay moment, "I figured out what I want to say and how I want to say it. We're friends right?" Another head-bobble. "Good, then do NOT get pissy as I explain this because it's going to be hard enough trying to make it understandable in the first place." Head bobble.

The contraption looked like a massive interlinked PVC molecule (first model I could think of off-hand), only with every piece of PVC sliced in half with the open portions facing up. The bottom of the 'molecule' had three unsliced pipes that the water could flow out of like funnels, that is if the water didn't overflow out of the halves throughout the thing. The top portion of the contraption went straight up half a foot with a large funnel sticking out, also being as unsliced as the bottom.

"Alright, have a couple of your clones hold this thing while I dump water into this contraption." Naruto nodded with a frown, two of his clones holding the haphazard contraption as I filled the bucket with water and started trickling it in. I looked at the two clones. "Keep ALL of the water in the pipes, this is important, not a drop should go anywhere but out the bottom." After getting twin confused, but determined nods I continued. "Now, take what you know about chakra coils, this is a good representation of an average civilian's chakra coils." As I talked, the clones held the contraption steady enough so that none of the trickle spilled out from the funnel I very slowly poured the water into. "Now, THIS is an average mednin or genjutsu specialist." I added a good portion of water, but the clones were able to keep it steady enough that water only flowed out of the three spouts from the bottom, slowly soaking into the asphalt roofing.

"With me so far?"

"Definitely!" Naruto excitedly replied. I could tell he absolutely loved the visual aid and actually got curious as to whether Iruka ever used visual aids that involved the students to actually participate instead of just droning on at them.

"Good. Now the next step is the chakra levels of people like Sasuke and Neji." I made things a little tougher by removing the top of the funnel and (failing) trying to pour the water directly into the inch-thick piping at a much greater rate. The clones both got splashed a little, but for the most part they kept the water from escaping the tubing though a good amount tended to flow over and out of the half-sliced piping throughout the molecule. "See how much 'chakra' is being wasted? This is one of the reasons Kakashi focuses so much on chakra control. Wasted chakra is useless chakra."

Then I grinned wickedly while reaching for the water hose.

"THIS is a good representation of YOUR chakra." I said winningly while filling the bucket back up. The clones saw my grin and frowned, just knowing they were going to get soaked. "As an Uzumaki, you will naturally have more chakra and greater stamina than most people. Being a container to fuzzbutt just triples it."

Without further ado, I dumped the whole bucket on the funnel-less pipe in one fell swoop, leaving being four soaked bodies since… heh… Naruto leaned in at the last minute to get a closer look.

Squicky wet leather sandals on hot asphalt. Eww. I REALLY need new shoes.

"OI!" the trio of soaked blondes shouted in unison as they fell back, the clones landing so hard they dispelled themselves. "What was that for?" Naruto decried loudly, flailing his arms wildly.

"To TEACH you!" I hollered back, still grinning madly. Who wouldn't? I just pranked the prankster king of Konoha. Naruto froze comically with his finger pointed at me as an 'oh' look crossed his face while his head cocked to the side comically.

"So… You mean I have a lot of chakra. I already KNEW that." He muttered dejectedly, thinking I was trying to waste his time.

"Ah. Ah," I waggled my finger at him, "Learn the lesson young padawan before you decry its usefulness!" After his deadpan look, I revised. "I'm not done yet. I figured we could both use a laugh, but I still have more to show you. Trust me."

Naruto frowned again, but nodded. Not quite as enthusiastically I noted however.

"The trick to chakra control is just that. Control. One thing I've noticed the jonin forget to emphasize on when teaching us chakra control tricks is the 'how' and the 'why', not just the exercise itself." I lectured refilling the bucket while pretending to talk at Naruto over my shoulder while taking a piss using the hose. He smirked at the joke. "Now. Check this out."

I lifted the half-full bucket and swung it back and forth a little to get a good rhythm going before swinging it steadily in around and around, even turning at one point to spin on my heels in a circle before finally slowing after nearly a minute when the dizziness started to get too much.

"Whoa…" Naruto said in awe. "How'd you DO that?! Is that some kind of wicked jutsu for chakra control?"

Wow. Squirt took the whole 'water is chakra' thing a little too literally.

Meh.

"No. That was one of the Laws of Physics. That which is in motion shall remain in motion. Ignore it for now." I said, not wanting to try and teach the village idiot even rudimentary levels of physics. Yet at least. "The important part is to remember that the water represents chakra, and despite all the effort you just saw, I didn't lose any 'chakra,' did I?"

Naruto's head turned back and forth slowly as his look of awe grew. I am so awesome.

"Now, I'm going to get myself wet again. This represents something messing up my concentration while channeling chakra." I started spinning again, but bumped the bucket with my knee during an upward swing.

Bwahahaha! Got him again!

"Oops. Heh. See, that can happen sometimes if a jutsu misfires." I said sheepishly, the sparkle of amusement in my eyes giving me away however if the narrowed calculating look Naruto sent back meant anything.

Yeah, I'm so getting pranked.

We spent the next few hours going over different ideas of what Naruto might try to rein in, or at least reduce, his blatant wastes of chakra in any jutsu he used outside of the shadow clones. In the end, the little ninjutsu-savant came up with the idea that if he needed to reduce basic chakra usage, he needed a jutsu that he could overpower and slowly reduce.

Damn, the depression and angst in his voice when he trailed off from that statement made ME feel guilty, and I didn't even have anything to do with his lack of available ninjutsu.

Kakashi would SO hate me after these Exams. I can't even dodge him either because unless I spontaneously wake up, I'm looking at either an Alice in Wonderland or Chronicles of the Unbeliever scenario and I won't be waking up until the bad guy's put in his place.

Naruto-verse has a LOT of bad guys.

Oh well, I'll just throw the 'You abandoned your sensei's son and reincarnated Obito' guilt card at him.

Guilt-Trip no jutsu!

"Neh… aniki…" Naruto started when we headed downstairs to get some grub a few hours later, more than a little reluctantly I noted with a raised eyebrow. "What did you mean by 'as an Uzumaki'?"

Blink.

Damn I've got a big mouth. I'm going to go with blaming a lack of sufficient nicotine levels in my system. From a pack a day to nothing for at least three, yeah. That's it.

"Naruto…" I said just as slowly, trying to decide on how to answer. "Would you agree with me that there are a lot of really strong, really bad people in the world?" He nodded, frowning since he could already tell I was going to be keeping things from him. "How much did finding out about fuzzbutt throw you off your game?"

Naruto's frown grew, unconsciously grabbing at his stomach where the seal lay hidden.

"That's the problem. To be honest, I really shouldn't have opened my big mouth." I said sadly, looking at the table so I didn't have to see his kicked puppy look. "To put it simply, there is a MASSIVE ton of information to tell you about the Uzumaki Clan, so for now, would you accept that you can find out the rest after the Chunin Exams if I tell you a bit about them now?"

The blonde nodded gratefully. I expect it was more to do with the fact that I actually felt willing to tell him ANYTHING about his origins than any sort of appreciation or understanding that there would be information I continued to keep from him.

"Knowing what you do about how ninja guard secrets, can you swear to me that you will keep what you learn to yourself, at least until the final round here in a few weeks. To be blunt, I don't want to die and I sure as hell don't want to end up in Ibiki and Anko's unforgiving clutches." He nodded again, this time much more determined.

"The Uzumaki Clan were…"

Nearly thirty minutes later, Naruto said he was going for a walk and went right out the front door.

His ramen (well, his fifth bowl at least) sat uneaten on the table.

I didn't blame him.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

With Naruto useless for training today, I rechecked the remains of my wallet and headed out the door to address some of my own needs.

Well, I started to anyway until a rather pitiful whimper issued from the duct-tape covered afternoon snack currently glued to the wall. Deciding he'd had enough punishment, I cut Akamaru down and sliced the duct-tape off with one of Kiba's kunai.

The little stabbity implements of death really came in handy.

Akamaru complained for a little bit about animal rights and partners or something, but I just bounced him off the bed with a football kick. He's a ningen, he can take it. Besides, I haven't fully forgiven him with the stunt over lying about the date yesterday. His punishment might be over, but that didn't mean I trusted the little floor-mat.

First stop, the Tenten's weapon shop.

Too bad I can't read kanji yet, I might have learned her surname from the sign. I wonder if it's something hilarious like Won-Won. Heh. That would be awesome.

"Won-Won's Shinobi Tools, how can I help you?" a bored voice echoed from the back of the shop after the bell jingled loudly.

Holy shit. I closed my eyes wonder if a huge bag of gold and a portal back home will land in front of me. That would be awesome.

My eyes shot open at a distinct thumping sound from in front of me before my face fell into a distinct level of disappointment. Tenten appeared to be curious why I walked in and closed my eyes and she moved to investigate. She blinked at the abject disappointment and annoyance on my face and practically reeled back, her bun-shaped hair nearly catching a hanging scythe on display.

"Um… sorry. It… I… Nevermind. Sorry." I finally gave up. I've always sucked at talking to girls except one. Trying to reason with a tsundere that traditionally fights with more available steel than a Sherman tank on her person wasn't something I intended on doing. So instead, I just frowned and walked around the blinking kunoichi in search of the stuff I needed.

"Wow. Going for a whole new look?" she asked, having followed me around the store carefully, despite the massive bandage I could see wrapped around her chest and back.

"Need a change of pace I guess." I just muttered back. The girl already made me lose track of my list nearly a dozen different times with her constant questions and now she actually followed me into the clothing section.

Bark. 'Wow, she's nosy Chuck.'

"I know."

No, I don't really care to explain why I want senbon needles. Yes, I really want two different boken cut and shaped to specific sizes. No, I don't need an idiot's guide to kendo. YES, I do in fact want a set of throwing knives, not shuriken or kunai. No, I do not need a teacher. Yes, I want two pairs of combat boots and pair of silk covers.

Side-note to all of this? Kiba's LOADED. Seriously loaded. So far my total managed to get up to 1,000 ryo in supplies, and I happened to have at least fifty 1,000 ryo notes in my wallet alone. At least I won't be going hungry anytime soon. Kind of stupid for a Clan Heir to walk around with over 50,000 ryo, or the equivalent of a B-Ranked mission cost, in his wallet, but Kiba never stuck me as the brightest bulb.

Digging my way through the clothing section proved to be an… enlightening experience. No wonder Naruto never saw anything wrong with his bright orange jumpsuit. I never realized just how… gaudy and BRIGHT the average genin rank outfit was in the anime. "Don't you guys have some… urg… REAL shinobi clothes? You know, dark cloaks, black tape, etcetera?" I grumbled out in annoyance after wasting a solid ten minutes browsing through bright pink, purple, green, and even neon blue clothing.

Second side-note. They had a copy of Sakura's dress in there too. You know that thing is laced with mesh armor throughout the cloth? Fashionable, stylish, and protective. Who knew?

"OH, so you feel like talking to me now?" she asked testily, pointedly ignoring my question.

Bark. 'Oh, you're gonna get it now. I recognize that tone from Kurenai-sensei.'

"Is there someone else here?" I shot back sarcastically while ignoring Akamaru and shuddering as I passed a BRIGHT yellow version of Lee and Gai's suit. Right. Weights. Forgot about those, again. Tenten seriously kept throwing me off my game.

She looked around theatrically, even going to far as to shape her hands like binoculars as she scanned the store. "Hmm…. Nope. I don't see anyone." She still didn't answer my question, looking back at me with a rather cute smirk. Cute on a fifteen or sixteen year old girl. I might be a jackass, but pedo I am not.

I huffed testily; annoyed that it almost came out as a growl. "Then yes, could you PLEASE direct me to some real combat gear. Hell, even a good mesh shirt and a gi or preferably a nice kamishimo would be fine at this point." That got her attention, if her raised eyebrows and pouty lips were anything to go by.

Wow that was sexy. Argh. Damnit. She really got confused when I forcibly closed my eyes and bit my lip hard enough to make it hurt. Bloody wonderful, I'm going to be around the rather scantily clad tsundere's of Naruto-verse for an unknown amount of time in a hormone fueled body then they are almost ALL children.

"Err… yeah, I think Pop keeps some for visiting samurai in the back…" she trailed off. I probably would have been better off describing it, but how should I have known ninjas never wore the garments? They were nearly perfect for high-combat situations, even if they did tend to catch fire rather easily.

Following the spritely girl into the back, I had to admit she had a very beautiful body despite my own reluctance. I'm too old for her to be dateable, I'm not dead. At least there's plenty of eye-candy in Naruto-verse.

"Please stop staring at my ass." Her voice called out testily, my eyes shooting up to see hers looking right back in the security mirror overhead even as she fingered a ridged and scary looking knife that appeared somehow in her hands.

Hot damn! HAMMERSPACE! IT'S REAL!

Unless, of course, this is a giant dream. In which case: damnit.

Bark. 'BUSTED!'

"Heh… oops. Can't blame a guy for appreciating beauty like that on blatant display." I threw out casually as I shrugged and looked over a wickedly awesome manriki on display that caught my eyes when I looked up, not apologizing in the least. It isn't my fault she's showing the world her stuff in those blue jeans, though it did surprise me she wasn't wearing her own hakama pants since I can't recall a single manga or anime episode where the girl wore anything else.

Distracted as I was by that thought and the …rubber?... coated manriki, I completely missed the massive blush that erupted on her face.

I almost choked on my own spit when I walked up to the first display containing a darker pinkish top with pure white bottoms. Throw in a reverse bladed sword and the magnificent piece looked like it was ripped straight from a Rouroni Kenshin cosplay.

Anime freak that I am you KNOW that went into the basket. Hell, I already planned on wearing the outfit out of the store… provided… I went ahead and lifted the tag on it. Fire resistant, stain resistant (good, it'll keep the blood out), wrinkle resistant, and…

…tumble dry low. Huh.

"I want three of these," I called over my shoulder to the watching girl, silent since my distracted comment while looking over the manriki currently riding on my shoulder.

"Do you even know how to use that?" she asked curiously, eyeing the manriki with a look I didn't bother to decipher.

"Yes. Can I get three of those outfits?" Curt and to the point, now that she wasn't chatterboxing it I planned on getting as much done as I could.

Bark. 'Wow. That was cold bro.'

"Yes. You'll need to be measured for sizes though, and I'm sure you'll want to see the available accessories and various additions that can be placed on the outfit such as hidden pockets, seam-fitted lockpicks, and even extra mesh-lined straps for a tanto." She answered quickly, the business woman coming to the fore. Children these days grow up so quickly.

Hmm… the tanto wasn't a bad idea though, even with Kiba's knees and elbows pubescent body I know my own ability and reflexes are good enough to wield such a marginal blade.

"Good sales pitch," I shot over my shoulder, running my eyes critically over a pair of hakama's that would solve a bunch of problems at first glance. "You forgot about extra ninja-wire for the two sets running through the seams of the outfit though." The new outfit on the left was a deep sky blue nearing a weak purple, without the distinctive flashy and gaudy trim the majority of her stock held and the one on the right matched it exactly. Only instead of blue, the second hakama happened to be a sun-kissed burnt-orange. Knowing my new room-mate's proclivity for using the sun as a distraction while coming in for an attack through the air, not to mention his fervent love of all things orange, the ensemble looked like it was practically MADE for Naruto.

Till I realized something interesting while circling the outfit, notable the excess thread around the bust area of the suit and a very distinctive white swirl embroidered extremely tastefully and dare I say ceremoniously on the back of the kimono-top. Both outfits, after closer inspection, were clearly created for more ceremonial purposes than the rest of those in the room. Silk instead of cotton, golden weak thread instead of mesh wires, and so on.

Blue… sky blue and orange… Holy crap.

"So….. whose your dad?" I ask casually not taking my eyes off of the beautiful kimono and hakama pair that, at a guess, meant to be for the wedding of Naruto's parents. Having an idea of why the two outfits had their own stands when so many of the others did not, I think I may have a present for Naruto, not to mention a new place for the blonde dunderhead to start shopping for ninja supplies.

"I… I'm not supposed to say…" the girl stated nervously, her eyes flickering towards a camera in the corner for a moment. Not that I saw that mind you, I might be able to navigate well, but I'm still about as blind as Itachi was just before Sasuke killed him off.

At a distance at least.

"I'm afraid those aren't for sale." A deep, masculine voice said as the back door of the room opened, a suspicious eyed man walking out with a senbon hanging out of his mouth, a blacksmith's apron hiding his front, and an ash coated bandana holding back his hair as he wiped his blackened hands on a rag.

"Oh, they aren't for me," I said with a winning smile, watching him carefully now that the man was close enough for me to actually see. "I was thinking of picking up something similar to this one for my friend Naruto. It looks like it was practically created to be worn by an Uzumaki in some sort of formal event."

Jonin or not, he didn't even bother to hide his wince. Called it.

"I mean, you have to admit that Naruto would look so much better in something with a little more class. I bet if anyone bothered to help Naruto out growing up, or do anything for the Uzumaki kid, he probably would have never even started wearing that walking death-trap he calls shinobi gear. Am I right?" My placid and friendly expression never changed, but I saw each and every twitch of the man's senbon as I basically called him out for abandoning the Fourth's son. Like SSSSOOOO many other people did.

Bark. 'Are you going to start preaching about third world kids next?' Akamaru asked in a tone of seemingly genuine curiosity, but I completely ignored the snarky little bastard.

Abandoning children happens to be a rather touchy subject with me at this very moment.

"Many people assisted the boy as much as they were able over the years, but you know how it is for orphans. I probably would have taken him in myself if Tenten didn't need me." He answered tersely, a similarly fake smile plastered on his own face.

"Oh, I totally understand." I answered with a huge smile, hiding the feral nature of it from the more naïve kunoichi watching our little ping-pong match. "Tenten's hot and since any orphan will do when you have no attachment whatsoever to the little tykes or any reason to at least know them, well…."

Damn, my mouth seriously needs to re-engage the filter. Here I am going toe to toe with one of the few JONIN's regularly in the village. I'm going to keep a low profile HOW exactly?

"Tch." He finally grunted after a minute, his senbon lodging itself in the wood behind my head. "Sell him what he wants." Genma said tersely before spinning and walking right back into the foundry he only just left.

WHAM!

"Ow ow ow ow ow!" I chanted as I felt up the rather large goose egg forming on my head compliments of a nearby folding chair.

Building FULL of weapons since it's a weapon SHOP and the woman beaned me with a damned CHAIR. WTF?

Akamaru ended up rolling on the floor, kicking up his legs in what I first thought was pain, but turned out to be hoarse, choking laughter.

"What the HELL was THAT for you crazy psycho!?" I shouted, whipping the manriki around and managing to block another swing by hooking the leg of the chair and yanking it out of her hands and flying into the display rack for the hideous yellow version of Gai's suit. Wasn't intentional, but I would SO take credit for it.

"I AM NOT A PSYCHO!" she shouted after staring at her empty hands for a few seconds in confusion.

"Then why did you HIT me?" I asked calmly, hooking the thin, braided chain back under my elbow yet refusing to relax until I was sure the tsundere didn't have any further plans to attack.

"I… I… Because you deserved it!" she finally said at last. Ah, blame-shifting the refuge of all true tsun tsuns. Oddly, I expected better of Tenten, she generally seemed the least bi-polar of the Naruto-girls.

"Right. And that makes you less of a bitch taking a cheap shot because you got embarrassed?" I asked in a true deadpan fashion.

Her cheeks flared up red before she huffed and stomped to the front of the store. "I'll be up here when you're ready to check out. JERK!" I chuckled heavily as she stomped back to the front of the store, clenching and unclenching her hands as she walked. Her rear-end danced amusingly as I watched it leave, shamelessly watching again. Let's be honest, there's probably a reason who or what-ever gave me the body of a shameless pervert. I happened to be one.

Heh. I'm going to continue to make myself laugh at this situation frankly because if I start to get frustrated with girls with bi-polar personalities I'll be slaughtering my way across the Elemental Nations; starting with a certain pink-haired banshee.

Besides, she looked adorable when her blush flared up like that.

ARGH!

Once I finished bashing my head on the back wall a few times, drawing a curious look from Tenten through the security mirror, I gathered up the outfits I wanted. Three copies of the hakama Naruto's mom probably used to wear in combat (I'll just cut out the extra threads under the bust), three sets of a dark-greenish hakama (for stealth work), and five sets of Kenshin's outfit.

Bark. 'Can I even FIT in that thing? There's a reason Inuzuka's wear jackets you know.'

"Learn to use your legs, lazy. Maybe you'll grow up to be a real dog one day." I shot back at Snarky, if he thought I'd be carrying him all over the place when I already planned to be weighed down with at least thirty pounds worth of weapons on top of the weights I planned on buying for myself and Naruto then Snarky's got another thing coming.

Weights. Right.

The library in the back (with actual books this time) proved to be very useful. 'The Idiot's Guide to Sealing' for Naruto alongside a couple of books written by the Fourth and Jiraiya on the topic (damn ninjas are lazy, things were COVERED in dust), '100 and 1 Ways to Expand and Control Chakra', and, my personal favorite, Icha Icha Paradise. At least that's what Akamaru said the names are... Kami I need to learn how to read.

Only piece of fiction I've found since arriving, and I spent a couple of hours in the library.

Bark. 'I am NOT reading you smut.' Akamaru stated bluntly in a non-negotiable tone when I picked up the book.

I just rolled my eyes at the idiotic dog. Book isn't for me. Naruto needs to expand his education, namely that involving those of the opposite gender. "It's for Naruto you little spaz. Squirt needs to expand his horizons. Besides, can you imagine just how many people he can trick the hell out with that Sexy Jutsu of his if he actually knew what he was doing instead of just using it to punish perverts."

Bark. 'It's for Naruto,' he growled out skeptically. 'Sure, and I'm a cat.'

"I can make you a bitch instead?" I asked threateningly, swinging a kunai around by the pommel-ring.

Bark. 'Screw you.'

"No thanks, not into bestiality like Tsume."

Bark.

I didn't bother dignifying the last remark with a response, choosing instead to give my little puppy some assistance back towards the front of the store.

Via boot.

Where he promptly whimpered in a heap like I'd tried to kill him and gave Tenten the biggest set of puppy-dog eyes he could. "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!?" she demanded angrily, already reaching for a weapon.

No wonder she works in a weapon's shop.

"Because he made a rude comment about your breasts." I lied smoothly, smirking in victory when the hands that were cuddling the little beast to said appendages tightened considerable in a much less gentle manner as a dark look formed on her face.

"And just WHAT did he say." She asked angrily, glaring down at the now-shivering puppy trapped in her arms.

"Said you probably taped them and he intended to try and motor-boat you before we left. I naturally decided to deliver the punishment he deserved for slighting your pretty little figure." I said with a fierce grin aimed at the puppy now glaring heatedly at me.

Bark. 'What the HELL bro?!'

Serves you right you little rat.

Her reaction fell on the dere dere side instead of tsun tsun as I'd hoped, she blushed massively while throwing Akamaru, head-first, at the floor and grabbing my accumulated wares to ring them up. "Y-Your t-total is 1200 ryo." She said after banging out a few numbers on the register.

I just raised a single eyebrow at her with an amused look. I knew for a fact one of those books alone said it was over 1500 ryo on the shelf in the back. "Are you sure?"

"ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?!" she practically screamed as she forcibly fought back her blush.

I discovered something during that trip that I actually intended to share with my knuckleheaded room-mate. As a long-term geek, such behavior was actually rather foreign to me, usually being the pursued in my very few relationships as opposed to the pursuer.

Flirting with girls and having exactly zero intent to get with them is fun.

Like pranking, only funnier.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -

The rest of the day went rather smoothly.

After changing at Tenten's shop (and ignoring her drool on my way out), I managed to get in some good practice with the boken daisho pair I'd picked up after heading out into the abandoned lands behind the Kage Monument. I cannot in good conscience call the atrocious display training because Kiba's body had difficulty just performing a basic Ippon-me to satisfaction, so instead I just focused on the basic motions and getting Kiba's muscles accustomed to wielding a blade while blind-fighting a handful of imaginary opponents.

I also kept the katana-length boken of the pair held to my back with chakra the entire time. Hopefully when I go to test wall-walking I don't look like a complete idiot.

By the time I headed back to Naruto's apartment as dusk fell, I had to wrap Kiba's surprisingly un-calloused hands in a layer of the dark-green wraps I'd managed to find in Tenten's shop. I'd have to stop in and get some more in the morning, seeing as I only got enough for a few changes of protection for my legs from the rather pointy and painful sharp implements kept in my ninja bag.

I stopped as I unlocked the door, picturing a scene I sorely missed as a little blonde haired baby girl played in on the carpet in front of the t.v., her little pink onesie proudly stating 'Daddy's Little Princess' as my nose itched fiercely and noticeable traces of water sat in my tear ducts.

"Duh! Duh Duh Duh!" Heh. It did take my angel forever to say 'Da Da'.

Blinking away the tears and ignoring Akamaru's questioning look at my forehead slammed into the door, I heaved a sigh and listened to the sounds of my memories. Sounds of a happier time.

I'm coming baby-girl.

Daddy promises.

- 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 2 -


	3. Teacher, Teacher

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

An extremely energized Naruto bounced in to the apartment late the next morning looking like he got into a fight with a few freight trains and lost badly.

Huh. Guess he ended up training after all. Wondered how long it would take the kid to bounce back. I actually got worried for a minute when he didn't come home the night before, but since his apartment actually faces the Kage Monument I could easily see his bright orange jumpsuit in the distance; though only because it actually reflected the lights from the village.

I'm so going to find a pair of glasses today. This blows.

Despite having tried to beat himself to death for pretty much the entire previous day the blonde remained absolutely jazzed up and energized. Twelve hours of pushing his body to the max would have normally put most people into the ground the next day, but there was a method to my madness and Naruto, being the good little kohai he is, follows my instructions about making sure he always had at least ten clones sleeping.

Kurama, Kyuubi's real name, constantly heals damage done to Naruto. Ration bars have all of the proteins, vitamins, and nutrients for a full meal three times a day needed for the average shinobi. Naruto is NOT the average shinobi. Most people need sleep to allow their MINDS to adjust to the previous day's events and sort the memories from short term to early-stages of long-term memory. Provided the demon healed ALL damage done to Naruto physically, that meant that in theory that Naruto never actually would have a physical NEED for sleep as long as he kept a steady supply of needed proteins, vitamins, and nutrients.

Viola, one ready-made training machine named Uzumaki that probably jumped from Academy level evasion ability to low Chunin level yesterday. The scary part being that if I finally managed to get him to start keeping clones all over the village (and he kept the sleeping clones on a 1-10 ratio), the kid would probably know more about EVERYTHING than anyone in the village.

Mwahahahaha!

Huh. Kiba's voice isn't deep enough for a maniacal laugh. Good thing the blonde already left. The kid inhaled his cereal and basically bolted out the door, saying he wanted one more day to train before we worked on ninjutsu. I couldn't really blame him if he improved as much as I estimated he did, but I did manage to snag him first for a couple of things. Sealing stuff is surprisingly easy when using a pre-made scroll (compliments of yesterday's shopping trip) and I tossed the living embodiment of pixie sticks a pair of chakra weights for his arms, legs, and torso first while dictating out to him a set of exercises I wanted him (as in the real body) doing for at least an hour before he joined his clones in the organized battle royale.

Go go calisthenics.

Another wad of cash came out for a fresh batch of ration bars and I reminded the forgetful squirt that if he got the least bit hungry to chow down two bars, but to make sure he had at least one every hour on the hour. I also reminded him that he should be transformed before he even left the apartment building because if people saw him buying ration bars daily it would give away a great deal of information about his training. He left a shadow clone so I could explain what I meant by that. Heh. I wonder what T&I will think when they get a report about a 'suspicious' amount of ration bars being inhaled.

I got a continuous head-bobble and a massive grin as he carefully wrote down the new set of instructions (in nearly artistic flawless kanji, despite the movement) and a massive grin.

Screw ninjutsu, brat is gonna get the sealing books before anything, looks like Uzumaki's really ARE naturals.

Anyway, after feeding Snarky, I spent a good three hours training in the Academy Three with Naruto (well one of him anyway) to at least try and get one of them. The Body Switch proved to be almost instinctive; Snarky said it is because I was naturally a coward before I re-acquainted him with Mr. Boot. Transformation though, I got that one right off, I just pictured it to be like Zelda slipping on one of his masks.

Funny enough? My attempt at Bunshin came out looking about as corpse-like and zombiefied as the worst of Naruto's ever did. Can you believe the ungrateful little snit actually laughed at my attempts?

Which brings me to why I ended my ninjutsu training (since the teacher's mysterious disappearance), grabbed Akamaru, and the pair of us dove out the window. I chose that moment to mention to the annoying pup that I had no idea how to tree-walk. He peed on me; worth it though to hear his frantic yips while we slid down the side of the building before I leaped hard for the opposite building less than ten feet from the ground.

I've got just over three weeks to get at least somewhat battle ready and figure out some sort of plan for derailing Orochimaru's invasion all while keeping the fact that I didn't happen to be Inuzuka Kiba hidden from pretty much everyone.

Thus the reason I left Naruto's apartment with whisker marks, blonde hair, and crystalline blue eyes.

First time in four days my own eyes were looking back at me in the mirror, though on someone else's face. Go figure.

Akamaru chasing after my lithe form as I tucked, rolled, jumped, and ran alongside the high-rise buildings of the village on the way to Tenten's shop was hopefully the only giveaway that I wasn't Naruto. The clothes and weapons were new, I'd bathed extensively in a scent reducing shampoo and soap (also available from Tenten's weapon shop), and even drowned the rat… err… bathed Akamaru.

BARK! 'DAMNIT STOP! Why are you running so FAST!' the meal-on-wheels yelled up to me, following on the ground while I pulled a Kirk amongst the upper walls of the village. I wanted to train wall-walking, but the exercise just takes too long to master so instead I focused on just always moving forward.

A trick I thought up when I realized today would have been the day we scheduled for our monthly 'Run'. Basically, the group starts running in a straight line. Anything and everything has to be jumped over, climbed over, dove under, etcetera while continuing to run in a straight line. It's actually a huge amount of fun when you don't accidentally end up running up and over some guy's house out in the woods because you refuse to lose. This morning I decided to basically do the same thing, only with the added stipulation that my feet can never actually touch the ground.

"TRAINING!" I hollered down to Snarky. "You know where I'm headed." I called out, swinging off a flagpole (laundry pole?) and snagging a low window sill before taking off again. "Just meet me there."

It took roughly the same time it took while walking the day before, but playing monkey through a city of ninja and freaking at least a dozen of them the hell out while looking like Naruto was just too good to pass up. I did make sure I ducked into a side alley before turning into my normal look and strolling out of the alleyway.

Normal look as in a semi-pudgy civilian with broad shoulders, twitching eyes, and a completely unmanageable mop of blonde hair that Alphalpha would make fun of.

It might have taken nearly half an hour this morning to Will myself into an entirely new form, but transformation may just prove to be my favorite technique. I frowned heavily as a lithe, well-endowed kunoichi burst from the alley behind me a few minutes later with three dogs following her and sniffing at the air anxiously. Looks like Tsume-chan got Hana-chan on the job.

This'll be fun.

"Why do you have a bell over the door if the people working here are shinobi?" I asked abruptly as I walked through said door moments before my warning senses kicked off and I dodged right back out.

Good idea too since a rather well used boken swung through the space I occupied only moments before. I raised an eyebrow at a rather sheepish and slightly blushing Tenten before shrugging and walking under the still raised weapon blocking the door.

"THAT'S ALL I GET!?" her voice called out incredulously, giving me a hint that she wasn't sheepish for almost smacking a customer while training, but that she missed.

I responded with a humming sound as I headed towards the back where they kept the bandages that weren't some sort of bright, eye-catching color; though I did keep an eye on the frustrated kunoichi behind me in the security mirror.

Need I mention again that the girl travels around packing enough heat to make the A-Team look like pacifists? I'm a jerk, not an idiot.

I wonder what gave me away though? Oh. Right. The Kenshi outfit. Oh well.

Ha! Found 'em.

"What's your problem?!" Tenten's angry voice called out from directly behind me, the girl having followed me the entire trip into the back room.

I tossed another bandage into the basket while thinking about what reply I should give. More specifically, I tried to think of which reply would rile the woman up the most. Finally I turned and looked right at her, knowing from previous experience with my ex that my eyes could be very unsettling when I was annoyed. "First off, I didn't even get the chance to walk in the door before you ATTACKED me. Second, you refused to leave me alone yesterday despite my being, against my normal behavior, rather polite all things considered."

Then I smirked ferally while deliberately looking down as her eyes followed my own. "And third I was trying to be polite until you realized that your wraps came loose."

Heh.

She didn't even respond before she fled right out of the room, leaving the entire shop empty.

I just blinked a few times.

"Hey Snarky."

Bark.

"Did she really just leave the ENTIRE store…"

Bark.

Damnit.

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

Three hours.

Three BORING as hell hours while I did someone ELSE'S job without even getting PAID for it.

I barely do my OWN job willingly, well, until now. Contract killer does have a certain attraction after all….

Argh, not the point. The point is I've already been waiting on Tenten to come back and FINALLY take over HER shop for THREE hours. I'm not even certain why I decided to cover for the girl in the first place considering she did ATTACK me the moment I arrived.

Not that I got nothing done per-say, the shop DID have a bell over the door (useful, I found out) which meant I could spend time in the small dojo in the side-room while still helping the handful of shoppers that came into the store. The time couldn't exactly be called pleasant though as Kiba's gait was FAR too large for such a small frame and literally trying to practice a blind-fighting a single opponent when my feet keep wanting to turn in while my legs wanted to go another two or three feet was rather frustrating.

The first warning I had that I had company was a faint swish before a rather sharp blade ended up against my throat being held diagonally by someone with a rather arrogant stance. Unfortunately for whatever asshole thought it would be funny to put a blade against my throat, I rather considered that to be an act of aggression and responded appropriately.

I didn't just study kendo.

My boken started falling to the ground even as my elbow crashed HARD into the bicep of the blade held against my throat. My left leg launched out in a mule kick to my attacker's thigh even as I spun on my heel and my left elbow rammed into their temple. Spinning back around, my hand latched onto the blade-wielder's hand HARD with Kiba's claw-like thumb digging painfully into the gap between the other person's thumb and forefinger with enough force to shock my attacker's hand open immediately.

Even as I stepped under the slightly shorter person's armpit while bringing the captured hand with me, my boken finally hit the floor as I interlocked my leg with theirs and brought them hard to the ground with my elbow in digging into the idiot's back.

By the time my attacker's metal blade clattered to the floor, I already straddled my face down attacker with their arm locked painfully behind their back and reached for the cloth of the hiate-ate currently blocking my sight.

"TENTEN!" Genma's voice screamed out in shock before I could pull off my blindfold.

Heh heh.

Oops.

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

Wow did I feel like a douchebag.

Here's a girl that just nearly had her SPINE broken about a week ago, and here I go and basically pile-driving the poor girl face-first into the floor with extreme prejudice.

I'm not exactly about to admit that though after she just startled me with a blade to my throat.

My complete lack of apology sorta made the current setting an interesting level of uncomfortable.

After I jumped the hell away from straddling the downed girl, noting idly that her backside was extremely firm, I ripped off my blindfold and gawked held up my hands in a peace gesture towards the screaming jonin. I might not know shit about Genma besides him knowing the Hirashin, but the man obviously held at least Asuma's level of skill to have been a guard to the Fourth Hokage, fight off Baki in the coming invasion, AND be assigned as a guard to Tsunade.

He didn't say a word until Tenten got back to her feet and sheepishly retrieved her katana. "Perhaps you should offer our guest some tea Ten-chan." He stated simply before turning and walking out the door. Neither one of us mistook his Order for a request.

Lord Almighty I suck at being subtle.

Bark.

"Shut. Up."

Tenten looked from me to Akamaru, the dog currently rolling on his back and chortling loudly. "What did he say this time?" She asked, strangely calm despite her obvious embarrassment.

"He pointed out than an Inuzuka should have smelled you coming." I replied, holding the door open while following her upstairs. Great. Now I have to deal with an irate father worried about his daughter's chastity. Not to mention the fact that technically Kiba is a whopping twelve or thirteen years old.

Huh. I should look into that.

So I did, pulling out the Ninja Registration Card in my pocket as I followed her ass upstairs. Err... Naw, I won't lie I followed only the two bouncing globes with my peripheral vision. The results actually made my stomach drop more. Seems the Inuzuka heir managed to get his ass held back more than Naruto without any of the public consequences my room-mate dealt with. This hormone driven, weak assed body is a whopping fourteen years old, turning fifteen in less than a week.

Sad really.

Their 'lounge,' if it could be called that, formed the corner of a rather extensive greenhouse built on top of their three story shop, giving an excellent few of the local sewage facility. Yum. Did explain why someone with a greenhouse this pleasant and covering two-thirds the roof of their building didn't have an interest in plants.

So the three of us sat there, sipping tea without anything being said by any of us.

The prankster in my soul seriously wanted to slurp. Loudly.

"So." Genma finally started after a solid five minutes o uncomfortable silence. "Would you care to explain why I arrived home to find you trying to kill my daughter?"

I just snorted. Any jonin worth his salt would have seen my actions were made to disable only. I didn't even make a move to incapacitate. Further, he arrived without having come through the front door (or I would have heard the bell), which meant he lied on that number as well. "Ask her. I just reacted."

Tenten blossomed in a major blush, embarrassment coloring the kunoichi so badly I could see it leaking over the edges of her hakama down her wrists. "I thought he was an intruder." She said weakly.

I snorted again. Lets see. Do I take one for the team and back up her story, or point out the major flaws in it? "And you've sold HOW many copies of the outfit I bought yesterday?" Oh that's right. I'm a jackass and I'm NOT trying to get into her pants. "Not to mention you're a weapons expert. I'm sure you recognized the boken you sold me yesterday as well at the very least." She shot me a betrayed look, but otherwise didn't reply.

"Tch" came from Genma's mouth as he chewed on his senbon a little. The one pointed at me like a rifle since he joined us. "And just WHAT were your intentions towards my daughter, samurai-san?" He asked with a completely serious face.

Holy crap! People actually ask that!

Bark. For once I couldn't blame Snarky for his comment. This shit's hilarious.

I just couldn't help it. I bust out laughing. "Seriously?" I choked out after a minute, finally catching my breath enough to get that much out. "You're actually gonna throw that one out?" His serious look never changed. He just kept staring at me emotionlessly even as I laughed. "Tell you what," I finally managed to bite out, "you tell me how long you've been waiting to ask that horrible question and I'll answer it."

"Since the day her parents died and asked me to raise her." He replied simply, ignoring Tenten's girly squeak as he continued to bore holes into my forehead while pointing that damn senbon at me. Knowing just how unbelievably dangerous he could be with that little point of steel unnerved me slightly, but he wasn't going to see it if I had anything to say about it.

"Huh. Really?" He nodded solemnly. "Well. In answer to your question..." I started, intentionally dragging out the answer. "... Nothing. I have absolutely zero intentions towards your daughter."

Despite my libido's thoughts on the subject, it was the Kami's honest truth. I could in no way afford that kind of attachment. No offense to Tenten, but she also happened to be too young. I happen to be over twenty, and I'm not exactly a supporter of statchatory.

Since I had my peripheral vision focused on the senbon as I calmly sipped my tea, I completely missed Tenten's surprised look.

"I see. And what were you doing in my dojo?" He asked, not able to completely hide his sense of amusement despite his seemingly honest curiosity.

I flicked a glance to the still blushing Tenten while thinking up at least a semi-believable reason why she would have split for three hours straight and abandoned the shop while giving the poor girl at least a little dignity. "Tenten asked me to keep an eye on the shop for a while then bolted. I didn't get a chance to ask why, but it seemed like it had to do with you know... girl stuff." Okay, so I'm a jerk, but I've still got to play Kiba for a while yet.

Besides, Genma couldn't hide his smirk at that statement. Whether it came from the lawn chair beaning me upside the head a split second before Tenten stormed off is anybody's guess. Considering the three of us sat seiza at an eight inch tall table, I figured it to be the latter.

"Aren't you going to go after her?" He asked in the same empty tone as the previous questions, but somehow earnest in his innocent curiosity about the answer.

"Why? She hit me." I answered with a raised eyebrow, a complete lack of understanding on why the man's smirk seemed to grow from that. "Well, while I do appreciate the tea, I've already spent... well... three hours more than I intended to here today so if you'll excuse me." Giving a short bow as I stood, I turned and headed back down to the shop below.

I needed some glasses and then I needed to make sure Naruto wasn't blowing up the Leaf village somehow. You never know with that knucklehead what kind of trouble he'll get into next and I had at least a general idea of what... he... could do.

Huh. I wonder how hard it is to get access to that Forbidden Scroll of Seals nowadays.

Naruto wouldn't even have to actually fight Neji. Just pepper him from the air with exploding clones.

Air beats Earth. Boom. Boom.

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

"Daddy. When is mommy coming home?"

I barely acknowledged the little girl asking her father such an innocent, naive tone.

"Dad. Where's mommy?"

"She had to leave for a little while angel. Don't worry though. Daddy will always be here for you."

"But I want mommy! And Uncle George!"

"U..Uncle George is... he's a not nice man angel. He... He won't be coming back."

"Okay daddy. When are you coming home daddy. I miss you."

"I miss you too angel." I whispered to the air, my eyes searching the blurry Heaven's for answers that jus weren't coming.

"Miss who?" a young, feral, but distinctly feminine voice asked, interrupting my thoughts. Thankfully.

"What?" I asked, faking confusion before taking a glance over at Hana, Kiba's sister that apparently decided to track me down. "Oh hi sis!" I said boldly, playing Kiba to a T. "Long time no see!"

She snorted a growl, a warning laden in the tone. "And just whose fault is THAT?" She growled out, her pack matching the growls ominously. "First you completely ignore mom's instructions to go FLY of all things and put yourself in the HOSPITAL. Then without even waiting to be released you fled the den! Mom is hotter than I've ever seen her with you right now. You're going to be in so much trouble when I get you home. And where's your clan jacket? Those are always to be worn by Inuzuka under chunin rank. You know that. And now you've been gone for three days! Kaa-san's been talking about kicking you out of the Clan!"

Her speech gave me enough rope to hang the smart girl with. I really didn't want to try and hold my idea of who Kiba is against his real life sister. "She is, is she?" I growl out, channelling just a bit of the righteous anger I still felt over the memory Hana was kind enough to interrupt. "Well you can tell Inuzuka-san that she can do just that then!" I yelled as I channeled some of my chakra through my eyes and tried to increase my 'presence' in the area consciously. "Tell the lying, hypocritical TRAITOR that I refuse to be a member of such a CLAN filled with hateful, spiteful fucking COWARDS then."

Finished with my statement, I turned and bent at the knees. My Will flared a swirl into the ground even as I leapt into the air... and just kept going.

Like. A. Boss.

Damnit!

Just realized Hana is my.. err... Kiba's sister. Talk about permanent cockblock.

Hey. Don't judge me. SHE happens to be of age, biological sister to my current skin suit or no.

I landed in front of the Optometrist for registered ninja that Tenten gave me address for yesterday, even as I ignored all of the people pointing and whispering as I landed.

Heh. Just wait until there's hundreds of blonde chakra batteries flying around doing the same thing. I actually have a limit. Okay, technically Naruto has one too, but mine doesn't start with 'cor' and end with 'pse'.

Finding a pair of glasses proved to be an... interesting experience. The Leaf's selection of glasses looked like they came from a 'Where's Waldo' Convention, and those were the better pairs. I ended up just getting fitted for two types of combat goggles and placed an extra large order for contacts. I could go a week with the fuzzy world until they were ready. No hour glasses here.

No wonder Obito had those goofy assed goggles. He probably wouldn't have been caught dead in the same glasses Shiho is known for. Also probably explained his outcast status from the clan that prided themselves on their eyesight to the point of complete nose in the air arrogance. Hmm... I wonder if Kabuto designed his own glasses or got them out of the village?

Finished at the Goggle Hut, I took off for my little training ground behind the Kage Monument. Literally. I sure as hell wasn't going to walk all the way up there. Akamaru pissed again. Probably did it on purpose too. No wonder Kiba never bathed. If it didn't come from his mother's habits it came from his partner's bladder.

Little bastard was growing on me. Like a fungus.

Speaking of, I really need to hit the hospital tomorrow. I'm almost afraid to find out what the tests will come out as. At least it didn't burn when I pissed and I haven't found any odd bumps. Yet.

Wrapping my headband around my eyes again, I picked up a rather stoat log and started forcing my body back through the motions my mind felt like I should already know. My arms burned, since the log was at least thirty pounds, but in a good way.

Step, swing. Step, step, swing. Skip back. Step, swing.

Repetitive and boring? Not really. This was familiar. Relaxing.

If I could actually make shadow clones, I'd probably have one going through a few Tai-Chi exercises purely for the meditative uses instead of sparring.

I needed to relax. It was only four days since arriving, but...

I missed my baby girl.

I haven't seen her for half a year.

The next hour proved tiring, yet liberating.

After finishing a healthy strength building hour, I removed the longer boken still glued to my side with chakra and started my katas. The familiar smooth motions of letting my subconscious control the flow of motions gave a great deal of freedom to my troubled and frustrated soul.

"Where did you learn to fight like that?" Tenten's voice called out quietly some time later. A great time later if the setting sun was anything to go by. I completely forgot to look in on Naruto.

Tenten stood quietly at the edge of the clearing, dressed in her usual gentle salmon colored Chinese button up gi and black hakama pants while holding the same boken she tried attacking me with earlier. Her intent was obvious, though why she wasted the energy to travel all the way up here less so. The Weapons Mistress of Konoha met her match in a boy at least a few years younger, and she wanted to learn.

As I glanced up at her, my mind immediately referenced five different anime scenes where this situation ended badly, but signaled her over anyway. What are the odds we'll be attacked by random nin just after I finish teaching her the move that will save the day anyway.

Bark. 'Humans. Always in heat.'

I went ahead and drop-kicked Snarky for that before kneeling and waiting for the girl to sit. Only after she sat did I answer her question. "In answer to your question, many places. Books. Movies. Stories. A sensei here and there. Mostly I learned the sword by way of combat I guess."

"Where?"

"It's... a long story. By the boken you're holding, I'm guessing you want to see if you're better?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at her.

"YES!" She answered immediately. At least she wasn't ashamed of the fact.

My eyes clouded slightly as she picked up her boken and took a stance, obviously ready for a spar as she gripped the hilt tightly and focused on getting ready to attack. Looking at her steel-like grey eyes and short dark bangs brought up memories I'd rather not think about.

This... would not be as enjoyable as I first thought.

"Well?" She said after half a minute, apparently at the end of her patience already.

I just smirked at her, still seated comfortably with both my boken chakra-glued to my sides. Predictably, she reared back and swung. Despite the finesse for throwing toys she displayed so well in the preliminaries, she swung the boken like a club. All strength of swing and no control. Instead of drawing my boken as planned, I just slapped the blade away and tapped her the back as she spun around. "That's a kill." I said with a bigger smirk.

"Rrrraaaggghhh!" She screamed, a visible sheen of brownish chakra staring to form on her blade as she swung again, leaving a half foot crater and blasting up dirt when I just leaned out the way and tapped her flank.

"That's another kill." I said, frowning as she started to huff noticeably. Maybe her back wasn't as healed as she thought?

Her answer was a mule kick that fully connected to my jaw rather painfully. I have a little prayer of thanks that her blade fetish didn't extend to her shinobi sandals as I painfully swung my poor jaw bone back in place and felt out for any missing teeth.

"Ha!" She cheered with a huff, dropping her stance as her blade lowered to the dirt.

I just jumped up while pulling the shorter boken and stepped on the tip of the downed blade while holding her chin up with my weapon. "And that's three. You lose." My frown grew considerably at this point when she looked positively enraged at having been beaten.

"Why? Why are you so good?! How did you lose last week if you can do all of this?" She demanded angrily, still on her toes with the tip of wood under her chin.

I stared hard at her frustrated, determined eyes for a minute before sighing heavily. Though not for the reason she would think. "I threw the fight." I told her simply, before 'sheathing' my blade and unsealing a small towel for her to wipe off the sweat with and tossing to her even as I flopped back down.

"Why? Why would you give up your chance for chunin like that?" She asked in confusion, staring dumbly at the towel I liberated from Naruto's apartment.

Never leave home without your towel.

I chewed my lip thoughtfully as I considered how to answer, stopping when I tasted iron and realized just how much sharper Kiba's teeth were than mine. "Because the fight was his to lose from the start." I said finally, deciding to answer truthfully as to why I would have thrown a fight against Naruto. Just not telling her that I didn't actually throw the fight since it wasn't me that got his ass kicked.

"Against Naruto? That clown?" She asked, scrunching up her nose in a way that somehow pulled of sexy, mousey, panda, cute, and adorable all at once. Damn, Naruto's got nothing on this girl.

"Think about for a minute," I said after lying back silently to stare at the stars just peeking out against the multicolored canvas. Despite my blindness, I've always loved watching the stars. Not to mention watching the stars overhead meant I didn't have to look at the one beside me. "How old were you when Naruto started pranking the village regularly?"

"Uh. I dunno. Ten maybe?" She said with a second question in her voice even as she sprawled out next to me, propped up on her elbows and forcing her once again unwrapped bust to jut out noticeably. Her baggy gi hid it well during the fight, and my blind-assed eyes didn't notice before in the late evening dusk.

"Which means you were about twelve when they started sending out ANBU to track the knucklehead down. He was nine years old and dodging the village elite while pulling pranks in public, but everybody thinks of him as some kind of weakling." I said, smirking as I caught a hint of well-hidden orange shuffle a little in the trees that had nothing to do with the sun. "His team took down one your idols on their FIRST C-Rank mission you know." I added, making it seem like an afterthought. "The only fights he's truly lost since making genin are against comrades. Yet everyone STILL thinks he's a loser."

She remained silent, correctly noted I hadn't finished making my point yet.

"Taking all of that into account, just how good IS he to be so completely underestimated every time." I finished, painting a scary picture of an enigma-like blonde powerhouse that purposefully made himself look like the dobe everyone thought he was. "Would you have thrown the fight knowing you were standing in the path of someone THAT determined to make Hokage? I chose to hide my skills instead. Good thing too. He might have won by fart, but I was on my last legs. He beat the crap outta me."

"When you put it that way..." she muttered before looking down at me. "Which idol?" She asked; something in her tone I couldn't place.

"The Demon of the Mist." I said airily, flopping my wrist around in the air a little.

"Zabuza?!" She gasped, before turning contemplative. "Wait, I think I heard about that, but didn't his sensei and the Uchiha prick do most of the fighting? That's what I heard."

I just smirked. "But do you believe it?"

"I... I don't know..."

"What if I told you the blonde 'nobody'" I air-quoted that over my flopped out head. "took down Zabuza's personally trained Apprentice completely solo after the Uchiha got himself knocked out?"

"Really?"

"Really. I've got a five thousand ryo riding on Naruto kicking your prodigal team-mate's ass in the finals. Forty seven to one odds." I replied with a conspiratorial whisper, not wanting a certain snooping knucklehead to hear it. "I think I'll half it with him after he wins me the two hundred thousand ryo."

In a more normal tone of voice, I added one more thing to get her thinking. "If Uzumaki Naruto says he'll do something, listen to him. To copy his own words its best to just Believe It."

Bark?

"Yes. That too Snarky."

Silence descended as we stared silently at the stars above for a long while, both trapped in our thoughts. As we stayed there, staring at the sky above, the sun finally setting on my fourth day trapped in a world so very far from my own.

Not even the constellations were the same.

"Will you teach me?"

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

"Will you teach me?"

Those words haunted me in a way Tenten could never understand.

"I wanna learn! You gotta teach me! You just have to!" a different voice called out cheerfully, even as the invader into my little hole in the world took a deep drink from one of MY drinks.

I didn't give Tenten an answer before I left last night, but I promised to think about it. I just didn't say WHEN I would think about it. Thinking about trying to teach someone else probably was the furthest thing down the list of things I would want to do that existed.

Naruto didn't say anything when I came in well after midnight, but I could see the confused hopeful look in his eyes. I just covered my head and collapsed on my pallet on the floor after chomping through my fifth card-board bar for the day. Apparently Naruto isn't the only one that needs to eat more than three a day.

I'd almost managed to fall asleep when his voice echoed out in the darkness. "Neh… aniki…?" I tried pretending to sleep, but the little runt is far too perceptive for his own good sometimes. "Will you teach me too?"

"We'll talk about it in the morning."

"Will you teach me Pervy Sage / Kakashi-sensei / Iruka-sensei / Jiji?" I knew from the manga and anime the question he really asked and why he asked it, but I just couldn't give him the answer he deserved. Not a yes, not a cheerful of course, just a 'Don't ask now'.

Which was how I ended up having to forcibly drag him and Tenten both to Team 7's training grounds this morning. I could see the frustration, depression, and sense of abandonment all over Naruto's features. Hell, even Tenten could and considering Naruto's rather effective 'the world is great' attitude, that's saying something.

"Naruto, stop pouting!" I finally snapped at him, getting an annoyed glare in return.

Tenten just looked confused. Possibly because I just kicked her door open, told her to meet us at Team 7's training grounds, and left her to decide whether to come or not.

Once I glared the kicked puppy into submission and kicked a puppy for being snarky, I finally leaned up against the one of the three training posts (specifically the one Naruto got tied to) and dropped on my butt, turning to look back at the two young shinobi.

"You both asked me a question last night, and neither one of you were happy with the answer. Ja?"

They both nodded, their eyes glinting in identical levels of annoyance at me.

Meh.

"Here's the problem with that question." I stated, before addressing Naruto. "Answer me a couple of questions shrimp. Why do you think they choose ELITE jonin to be instructors for graduating genin squads? Not chunin, not jonin, but ELITE jonin?"

I blinked and DESPERATELY wished I had a camera when Tenten and Naruto both scrunched up their noses in completely identical manners, right down to the twitching of their left ears.

Hilarious.

"Neh… because they're strong and can protect us and stuff?" Naruto stated and/or asked after a minute.

"Tenten?"

"Because they would have much more they could teach us, and could provide greater back up until we're strong enough to protect ourselves?" she stated clearly and I would almost be willing to bet Akamaru a bowl of that smelly dog-chow he loves that it came straight from the textbook.

"Good answers. Both of you. However, they are both 100% unquestionably wrong in every way shape and form." I said with a smile, kicking my legs side to side.

"Urg… huh?" Naruto looked confused, "But Kakashi-sensei said…"

"I'll stop you there Naruto. I'm about to teach you both something absolutely horrible about life, the universe, and everything. Besides 42."

Tenten frowned, but didn't speak. Smart girl.

"Picture me this Naruto," I said out loud, getting his attention. "You grow plants in your little garden hanging from the window, right?"

"Well yeah."

"So imagine for a second that one day you come home, and the beautiful tomato plant has gotten some sort of disease and it's going to poison all of the rest of your plants. What would you do?"

"Well… I guess I'd go see if Ino-chan had any advice. She's always been good with plants…."

"Good idea, asking for assistance. What if it's a disease that can't be cured?"

Tenten's face took on a disturbed look, she got it already.

"Throw it away I guess."

"Right. So you'd kill it."

"Ah… ah…" Naruto's face paled considerably and I honestly wondered for a second if he might just throw up. "BUT KAKASHI-SENSEI WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, tears gathering in his eyes a little.

"Naruto. Calm down. Listen. Please." It took a few minutes, but his breathing settled, even as he still looked at me in complete betrayal. "What were you trained to do in the Academy?"

"Be a ninja!" he said accusingly, as if daring me to contradict him.

"Tenten?"

"To kill," she breathed out, still staring at me with a rather sickly expression on her face.

"Bingo. Do you have ANY idea how many ninja DON'T become missing ninja because when they snap, when that love of killing becomes so much they turn on their very team-mates, there's sensei's are there to put them down?" I asked sharply, looking right into Naruto's eyes as I did it. "If he hadn't stopped, could ANYONE in that clearing have put Sasuke down but you?"

The blonde's eyes widened and he stepped back in horror, shaking his head rapidly. Not to deny his comrades abilities, but to deny the reality of life I happened to be forcibly shoving into his face. I dropped my hand on his shoulder before pulling the kid in for a light hug.

No man-lovins for me, but I could tell he needed it.

"Naruto. Let me tell you something a friend once to me. If it moves like a duck, smells like a duck, quacks like a duck, eats like a duck, and tastes like a duck... ...it's probably an enemy ninja trying to kill you." The effect was multiplied because I managed to say the entire speech entirely deadpan while maintaining that 'sagelike' look so many old people pull when trying to educate you on their version of the world.

(Gotta love Anko's Wisdom. Stolen, and I honestly can't remember from which story, but. Seriously. Props.)

It started with a snort, but I at least got a small smile out of the kid. Good enough for me.

"That however brings us to the problem I have with the idea of teaching either one of you the things I know. To put it simply, I can't. Not really. To complicate it, I'm just not that damn good. Compared to SSOOO many other people, I suck horribly." I started to rant, pacing back and forth as I tried to figure out how to explain that I'm REALLY not the one either ninja wanted to teach them about ninja combat.

Especially since I trained more in the ways of Bushido when it comes to combat than anything similar to the ninja creed of 'Rogues do it from behind.' Not that I had any problems with killing, in fact I rather looked forward to it. However, that very fact happened to be the biggest reason I really didn't want to try and teach Naruto my outlook on life.

The world doesn't need a quasi-sociopath held back by the society, peers, and the strength and power of superiors when said sociopath will eventually have NO superiors other than his own sense or morality.

"I remember last time I sparred with my sensei. Even without a sword, he managed to give me a bruise that LITERALLY looked like his foot on the back of my thigh. He had THAT much control of himself. Then there's all the swordsmen here in Konoha," I added, breaking into my rant slightly as wiki pages flashed through my head, "Hayate, the coughing guy from the prelims. Maruboshi, the eternal genin. Yugao, Hayate's soon to be rather upset girlfriend. Hell even Kakashi himself, son of the White Fang. Not to mention the entire ANBU Corps."

I turned to face them both. "I CAN'T be your sensei. I simply can't. I won't place your lives in my hands like that." Both genin looked down with clearly disappointed looks on their faces, but I wasn't going to budge on this number. No way in hell. "I WILL however be willing to accept a position as senpai. I can advise you both, and work with you both. I will even teach you everything I know. But! I will NOT be your sensei."

I took in their surprised faces when they jerked up in sync to stare at mine, and amusingly enough flinched in tandem at the look of frustration and anger on my face. "Can either of you tell me WHY I don't want to be your sensei?"

The two looked at each other for a second with questioning looks on their faces before turning back to me and shaking their heads. I just sighed.

"Tenten. Do you help Genma make the weapons in your shop?" She nodded. "Good, that's a good start. Does he watch you, critique your work, and advise you on exactly what and how?" Another nod. "Good. Now, do you have enough confidence in yourself to teach everything that NEEDS to be known about ALL aspects of smithing to a brand new apprentice?"

FINALLY the look of comprehension flashed on both of their faces when the reason got through.

"I see you get it. I don't want set either one of you up to die. I'm not good enough myself to teach you well enough for that."

Bark. 'You really are a huge softy. What's next, going to be making flower necklaces and dance in the field?'

I just glared at the annoying dog.

Tenten smirked. "What did he say THIS time?" she asked, a hand on her hip and an amused glint in her eyes.

"He said I shouldn't waste my time teaching a girl because your time would be better spent making flower necklaces." I took a great deal of satisfaction watching her drop-kick the little runt.

Bark Bark Yip!

Wow. I haven't heard language like that since the football locker room. Snarky must really be mad about having Tenten turned on him twice in as many days. Hey, I said I was a geek, I never said anything about not being a strong one.

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -

Training after that proved to be rather entertaining.

Naruto threw an absolute hissy fit when I sent him for a boken, then promptly chopped it down to roughly the size of a ninjato. I could tell Tenten understood why before I even said anything and her musical laughter echoed in the clearing even as a dark storm cloud gathered over Naruto's head when I pointed out our height difference.

Though he did cheer up considerably when I pointed out that he'd managed to grow nearly a full inch in the last week. Those ration bars (and fuzzbutt) were doing miracles for the kid's malnutrition and stunted growth. I only had a few inches on the older Tenten, but I bet Naruto would pass us both LONG before his training trip with Jiraiya.

That reminds me. I REALLY need to figure out SOMEONE to talk to about the upcoming invasion that I KNOW for an absolute fact hasn't possibly been compromised by Danzo.

A surprisingly short list all things considered, but Genma kept coming up in my thoughts simply because the man didn't take up a place as the Sandaime's body guard, but stepped back in when Tsunade returned. As the foremost medical ninja in the Elemental Nations, I didn't see her accepting anyone under the effects of Shisui's whatever-the-hell-it-got-named jutsu.

Pretty much all of the clan heads, the Sandaime, the Elders, Kakashi, and even the Ichiraku's were all out from their behavior over the years, especially considering Shisui was one of Danzo's lapdogs and only died when Naruto was somewhere between six and eight. I can't really remember when the massacre actually happened in cannon, but the point stood.

The Almighty Stick-Up-His-Ass himself, Hyuuga Hiashi, had been my first choice until I thought about his behavior with Hinata, Hanabi, and Neji since the whole Kumo incident happened. An incident he most likely ended up holed up in T&I for where Danzo, the well-meaning Elder that he is, would have had access to him with full chakra suppressants to offset the Byakugan's strength against genjutsu.

The Nara and Aburame clan heads were likewise out, along with Shino thanks to his friendship with Torune, due likewise to their illogical and badly thought out behavior towards Naruto while growing up. Raising the last Uzumaki as a blithering idiot without offering any assistance just doesn't seem like something intelligent members of the community should do. Especially since, if I were to guess, the entire village seal-based defense system was probably based off of Uzumaki works. Explains how and why Itachi, Tobi, and Zetsu continually managed to infiltrate the village.

I would approach Danzo himself, because honestly I like the guy, if I didn't know for a fact I'd be mind-raped until I thought my name was higgly-puff and Danzo-sama was the reincarnation of Kami.

I barely settled on the idea of approaching the resident genius, and only KNOWN Naruto supporter in the village, when I ended up rudely interrupted from my thoughts by way of boken to the face.

Damn, that hurt. Probably should make plans for an anti-Invasion plans and political maneuvering while sparring with Konoha's Weapons Mistress.

"HA!" the girl cheered, doing a little dance that looked IDENTICAL to Chun Lee's from SF II. Minus the floozy outfit. I'm not sure whether that bothers me or not.

I have REALLY gotta figure out how to make some distance from the spunky weapon loving girl.

After teaching the two the basics of true kendo for a solid two or three hours while I practiced on my own I managed to pull off a single shadow clone which promptly left to train with a couple of Naruto's clones. Hehe, little squirt was gonna HATE this lesson. Tactics!

Sometime around noon I noticed a Cat masked ANBU watching us which immediately sent a chill down my spine.

Yamato doesn't get noticed unless he WANTS to be noticed when in the middle of a damn forest.

Shit.

I sent the two off to do their own private training with advice to continue feeling the blade before telling them I needed to take a few days to train and figure out what and how to teach them, though I tell Naruto the first step towards making the Rasengan with the promise that he'll know a wickedly awesome jutsu if he gets it right. I figured I'd be in Ibiki's not so gentle care that long at least.

"Inuzuka Kiba." Yamato's altered voice echoed from at least three trees around me, indicating he'd already surrounded me with Wood Clones. "I have been commanded to take you in to Hokage-sama. Please do not resist."

I nodded and let the chakra holding my boken in place halt and unhooked my tanto before placing it on the ground as well and putting my hands behind my head. The manriki sewn into my belt stayed right the hell where it was.

Only after I kneeled did three other ANBU appear to gather up my weapons before the clearing emptied in a swirl of leaves.

This was going to SUCK.

- 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 -


	4. What is real?

- 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 -

"Damn. That sucks." I muttered while shaking my head to get the white dots to fade from my eyes. If that's what shunsin is like, count me the hell out. I'll run thank you.

When I could finally see again, my heart (and hopes) plummeted to practically nothing.

The Hokage's Office was surprisingly very full.

Aburame Shibi, his son and my supposed team-mate next to him, sat at the far left of the curved table. Following the stoic and motionless pair of bug users were the rest of the village's clan heads: Murakumo of Clan Kurama; Shikaku of Clan Nara; Inoichi of Clan Yamanaka; Chouza of Clan Akimichi; Tsume and Hana from my own supposed clan, the Inuzukas; Asuma representing Clan Sarutobi; and finally, Hiashi and Hinata representing Clan Hyuuga.

Worst of all, Danzo stood silently behind them all with Koharu, Homura, and Kiba's sensei Kurenai. The war-hawk's one visible eye locked on to me with the faintest hints of a smirk on his face.

Well at least I know who turned my ass in.

I did catch a whiff of coal after a moment though, letting me know that if Genma himself wasn't in the room, he at least was here recently.

The Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen himself, held the middle seat, but instead leaned on the table from my side close enough to knee me in the face if he so desired.

"Hokage-dono." I said with a slight bow, despite my position kneeling with a kunai currently held to my throat. This meeting just wasn't going to go well.

"Who are you and what have you done with Inuzuka Kiba?" the enraged kage asked without preamble, his initial wave of killing intent almost enough to knock me out.

Damn. He was PISSED.

"Akamaru." I said out loud while keeping my body stiff and unmoving, "Please speak with Hana-san and Tsume-san's ninken and tell them anything they need to hear. Tell them EVERYTHING I told you." Gambit One played, though I never took my eyes off the enraged kage.

Damn, dude DID look like a monkey and older than dirt to boot. No wonder everybody thought he should retire. Despite not having picked up my glasses yet, my blind-assed eyes still caught the glint of steel from the staff behind his back. That would be the old monkey's Boss-Summon in staff form.

Shit, they really thought I was some sort of S-Ranked spy or something.

A few steady yips and barks were traded between the dogs while I turned to the only man in the room I… HOPED… I could trust enough to pull of gambit two. "Hyuuga-sama and Hinata-chan, please activate your eyes for this meeting."

The Hokage's eyes narrowed, his patience probably wouldn't last much longer, but frankly the old monkey needed to wait.

I frankly didn't want to die.

When my eyes caught Hana and Tsume both stiffen noticeably, their blob-like fuzzy forms shifting in the dim lighting, I spoke again. I just hoped Hana actually followed instructions. "You may call me Inuzuka Kiba. It doesn't really matter."

"WHERE IS MY SON!" Tsume spat, slamming her hands on the table as both her and Hana stood and the four dogs with them growled with barred fangs.

"I don't know." I answered back calmly, squinting to try and see if one of her pups moved or not. It was just too damn dark.

"What is your purpose here?" Shibi asked in a monotone voice identical to the anime.

"I don't know. I have an idea, but I can't reveal that information at this time." I replied smoothly, keeping my eyes on the Hokage even as I spoke. "If I did, my throat would be slit before I managed to answer."

"Excuse me?" the kage asked in a dangerous whisper, his eyes narrowed.

"Your ANBU and almost every person in this room are compromised. Should I speak my death is a certainty." I replied, shifting my eyes to the Hyuuga Clan Head.

"H-He speaks what he believes it to be true." Hiashi confirmed openly, curiosity and no small amount of concern lacing his voice despite his stoic tone.

"And who would you trust in the room at this moment?" The wily Hokage asked curiously, his tactical mind already moving towards multiple ideas.

"Either Hyuuga with their Byakugan active, though Hinata would likewise have her throat slit if she attempted to guard me. Tenten's father Genma if he's still here" My eyes flipped back and forth between the assembled Jonin and the pair of genin while trying to think of an answer. Not to mention stalling. "If Shikaku brought his son I would say Shikamaru, but he didn't. Other than that, I cannot with certainty say that anyone else in this room is uncompromised. Hiashi-sama himself is only uncompromised when his Byakugan is active.

The Nara Clan Head chimed in; his curiosity obviously peaked by the reference to his son. "I notice you did not actually mention your other team-mate Shino."

"He is compromised." It took some effort, but I never once looked at Danzo, instead working to keep my focus entirely on each speaker in turn or the Hokage himself.

"We could easily make you talk." The Hokage stated. It most certainly was not a question.

"I would be happy to talk, but I guarantee I would be killed before I could."

"Why?" Inoichi asked, a slight slur in his question indicating the man had been drinking. Gave me a curious idea about why Ino wanted to leave home so bad for Sasuke though, despite being a Yamanaka.

"That's the root of the question, isn't it?" I asked, my eyes focused entirely on the Hokage, practically begging him to save my ass since I just flung it straight into the fryer.

I threw my head back and racked the ANBU even as I felt the knife stab into my neck for the cut.

Heh. Idiot didn't wear a cup.

The Root ANBU didn't even bother to tie up the hands placed so co-operatively on my head after they placed the chakra suppression seal on my neck. Too bad for him I happened to have lived my entire life without chakra available and knew very well how to fight without it.

My hand whipped into the jerk-off's elbow and squeezed hard enough to force his muscles to spasm even as I snatched the kunai with my other hand, spun around his back and slammed my knee into his ass. Not a particularly damaging attack, but it sent the assassin flying right into the Hokage's twirling and glinting staff.

I kept a stance and growled at just how weak my eyes were as I looked over the room. Hinata covered part of her eyes when I got attacked, but otherwise only the Hokage and the assassin had moved. Even Danzo showed no emotion whatsoever to the attempted murder that took place on his order right in front of him.

"Explain. NOW." The Hokage stated, already running through handseals I didn't recognize. "You will NOT be harmed in there." I only got half a second to wonder what the hell he meant when an upside down prison formed around me, and a right-side up one in his hands. It certainly looked like a jutsu from the series, but at the moment I was focused more on the fact that Danzo just put his cane on the ground.

"BUT YOU WON'T! PROTECT YOURSELF HOKAGE-SAMA!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, not surprising him enough to stop the jutsu, but getting the desired reactions by his ANBU guards as the room burst into a flurry of motion…

… and Danzo's bandaged arm slammed on to the ground even as Tsume's razorsharp claws yanked out his supposedly missing eye, holding up Shisui's Mangekyou Sharingan for the entire room to see. Without his chakra to power the seals in the bandages, I had to assume Hiashi and Hinata managed to see the plethora of regular Sharingan's lining his arm.

I had to give it to the old war hawk, he didn't so much as grunt from the loss of his arm and eye. Tsume didn't look like she was ready to back down until Murakumo, the Kurama Clan Head, whipped out a kunai and stabbed Hana in the shoulder just as a massive cloud of insects headed straight for the old man's downed form.

"FUU! TORUNE! STAND DOWN BY ORDER OF DANZO!" I screamed, hoping their training would disrupt them. Living, breathing, and dying by orders alone prevented a great deal of unilateral decision making in the Root zombies.

Amusingly enough, it worked long enough for Hiashi to disable the hidden Torune (Holy SHIT that man's a badass! I didn't even see him MOVE!), Shikaku to capture Murakumo and Tsume in his shadows, and… One word: EWW! … Chouza to turn Fuu into fish-paste.

Made me think of Naruto for some reason.

Gambit #1 success.

Good thing too, because Gambit #2 involved me getting mind-raped by Inoichi after a nice long waterboarding session and game of hide the snake from Ibiki and Anko. I had a whopping four days. Sue me.

I started to breathe a sigh of relief before a loud thump echoed out from right behind me. A Root-masked ANBU lie dead with a senbon in his neck as a smirking Genma appeared leaning against the wall even as he drew a second senbon and stuck it in his mouth.

It didn't pass my notice that the senbon came close enough to scratch my cheek as it flew by. Jackass.

The old monkey snapped his fingers and three more ANBU dropped from the shadows. Danzo had a chakra sealing tag slapped on his forehead by one, the second had a green glow around his… her?... hands, while the third turned to do the same for Hana. I had to commend Kiba's sister; her wound had already been completely sealed up and patched. She really should volunteer at the hospital sometime instead of spending all of her time as a veterinarian for the Inuzuka Clan only.

The razor-sharp point of adamantine staff at my throat, even throat the jutsu held in his other hand by an open palm, brought me back into the discussion from my mind's silent observations. "I want answers."

New information, he can have Enma turn into a trident too. Sweet. Probably not the best time to be geeking out, but I can't really help it.

"Danzo, and his servant Shisui before him, pretty much turned everyone here except Hinata, possibly Genma and Kurenai too, into his bitches since the death of the Fourth Hokage using an Uchiha kinjutsu of the Mangekyou Sharingan." I said carefully, my hands back behind my head even though I refused to let go of the captured kunai. "I know this for reasons I will explain only to you Hokage-sama, and two others with the highest levels of clearance in the village."

Amusing side-note: The idiot without a cup I took down? It's Sai.

"You will NOT be dictating terms to ME in MY village GENIN." Sarutobi hissed out dangerously, clenching his formerly open palm tight enough that I felt more than a little nervous even as he blasted me with enough killing intent that I could SWEAR I saw a Reaper hovering behind him.

Okay. I can be LIKE a Boss.

The Sandaime Hokage IS a BOSS. He is TOTAL BOSS.

However, answering him in a room full of people I just can't trust isn't happening, especially with what I know of the future. "Akamaru. Tell them about Project Cross." As in Chrono Cross. Not exactly the most original naming scheme, but did you expect anything different when I decided to go by Chuck Norris? I started to go with Project Chrono originally, but I wouldn't have put it past Shikaku or Shibi to somehow put the clues together.

Speaking of, my next alias is SO going to be Bruce Lee.

I could feel the Sandaime glaring at me as I stared at the floor after his blast of killing intent, I REALLY didn't want to see the reaper again like that. Akamaru whisper-yipped in Hana's ear after pulling her far enough away from Tsume so the older Inuzuka couldn't hear.

"KAMI!" she breathed out when he finished, leaving the room in suspense. "I don't believe it."

"It's true." I said quietly, but loud enough to be heard by the room. "And I would much rather not be here thank you." A number of the occupants in the room frowned at the 'in the loop' conversation even as Hana covered her mouth with her hand.

"Hokage-sama." Hiashi said in his monotone voice after a few seconds. "Perhaps the child's suggestion is best. I request to stay."

Child? Child? Seriously? Oh… right… Kiba looks twelve, despite being almost fifteen.

The Hokage looked over Hiashi's face for a few moments looking for something before nodding sharply. "Shikaku, Hiashi, Genma, Hana remain. The rest of you are dismissed."

"What about my SON you old monkey?!" Tsume screamed ferally, her gravely animalistic voice giving absolutely no respect to her superior.

"I SAID DISMISSED!"

I have NO idea what happened after that. Mr. Professor's blast of KI knocked my happy ass the hell out.

- 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 -

Returning to consciousness wasn't exactly a pleasant experience since Genma just unceremoniously slapped me in the face.

Jerk probably still thought I wanted in his daughter's pants. Well I did, but not in the way he thought. I don't have a black hakama yet.

"Ugh… anybody get the number on that bus?" I ask, the lame-duck joke falling absolutely flat if the stoney faces of those gathered is anything to go by. Danzo was removed, but I noticed the Sharingan covered arm still lay on the Hokage's desk

OMG. I rock HARD. I took down DANZO! Well not ME, per say, but I made it happen. That counts right?

"Sheesh, everybody's a critic." I mumbled finally, blinking my blind-assed eyes as I noticed the sun already dipping in the distance. Considering I arrived around noon it looks like they left me knocked out for a good long time. "So…. Where do we start?" I finally asked, not really sure how to begin or how much the smirking Akamaru sitting between them next to Hana actually told those gathered.

"Perhaps," the old Hokage stated calmly after taking a large draw from his pipe, "the beginning would be best."

"When a man and…" Yeah, that one flopped too, but I got an amused smirk from Akamaru and Genma. "Heh. Sorry, I get sarcastic when I'm nervous."

"We did not notice." Hiashi said in a dry tone.

Pfft… Too easy. "Then you're blind." I shot right back, getting barking laugh from Akamaru and a look of annoyance from Hiruzen. "Anyway. I woke up five days ago in Kiba's body. Long story short." Taking a deep breath, I decided to go for comparison, comprehension, and embarrassment all rolled into one. "Hyuuga-sama, Hokage-sama. Have either of you ever pictured yourselves as characters within the books you hide so studiously within your desks?"

HOT DAMN! You CAN make a Hyuuga blush!

"HOW DO YOU… err. No, I cannot state that I have as such." The flustered Clan Head stated in a calm tone. The Hokage didn't even bother answering since the trickle of blood running down from his nose answered it for him as he pulled out a handkerchief.

"But you get the idea?" I prodded, getting nods from those gathered.

"Good, then imagine if you wake up one day and it happened, only you did not actually WANT to end up in that book." Looks of comprehension spread across the gathered faces as I pulled out a small sheet of paper and handed to Hiashi. "You don't want to be there because Hinata and Hanabi don't come with you." I whispered mournfully, not bothering to hide my feelings on the subject.

The Hyuuga unfurled the small scroll to show a pencil sketch of a smiling five year old little girl smiling and looking up a sadly smiling man who's hand she held.

The Hokage understood the fastest before turning a mournful look back towards me. "She's beautiful. How old, if I may ask?"

I scrubbed at my watery eyes before closing them and leaning back, practically collapsing in the chair I woke up sitting in. "Six next month." I sighed out mournfully, memories of the joys, and sorrows, of parenthood flashing through my mind. "She was my angel. I ended up a parent at a much too young age, but I loved every minute of it." I smiled fondly, giving up on the tear leaking down the sides of my face.

Five days and four months without seeing my baby girl and now I don't even know if I ever will.

"What was her name?" the Hokage asked kindly, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Hope." I said, smiling a little more. "My Angel and my Hope." I opened my eyes to see a calculating look on the faces of the gathered ninja, thought I noticed Hiashi looked a little green around the gills. "I knew when I woke up after my impromptu flight that something happened to bring me here, so I figured I should play the part until I could figure out a way home."

"You knew things none of us did, and spoke with absolute conviction on Danzo's Root program. I take it you know of our world? If I had to guess, you know each of us intellectually at least, but not personally if you're behavior in the village over the last few days is anything to go by." Shikaku asked, or noted. I wasn't really sure which.

"Yes. Though not in the way you might think. In my world this…" I waved my hands around for emphasis. "…is all a big story. Like the Icha Icha, or Princess Yuki. I'm not only a big fan, because I like the story, but I also wanted to be a writer one day myself so I read a lot of made up stories in the Elemental Nations universe. Thus, I know a lot of background info most people wouldn't. The reason I knew about Danzo was because here in a few years he basically betrayed the village when the Hokage fell into a coma saving it by using the ocular powers in his eye."

"And the story ended up telling how he controlled us all I assume?" Shibi asked, finally joining the conversation.

I gave a bitter chuckle. "No. No, in fact it didn't. But knowing that he had Shisui under his control for so long and paired with his dealings with Orochimaru and I just couldn't take the chance for the old war hawk to get his hands on me. Add in all of your retarded and moronic behavior over the last dozen years and I just couldn't take the chance that you weren't all being controlled at least on a small level."

"Would you care to explain?" the Nara clan head asked politely in a dry tone, his rough deep voice amused as opposed to insulted.

Instead of answering, I looked at the Hokage. "Does Hana have clearance for SS Ranked secrets?"

"She knows of young Naruto's burden if that if your concern." He replied diplomatically, neither denying nor answering the question.

I frowned at his response as goosebumps ran up my legs and arms. Why did that sound so…

Shit.

Young Naruto. Not Naruto-kun. Not Naru-kun.

I tried to summon up my Will and found the… muscle to take a momentous effort to even respond, pushing as much as I dared to the palms of my hands before releasing it all at once. Not exactly a Rasengan, but then again I haven't had ANY training in breaking genjutsu. Ever.

BOOM!

- 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 -

The cold, sterile smell of disinfectants and old blood reached my nose before anything else. I collapsed to the ground and blinked the double vision out of my eyes even as my ankles felt like something was trying to rip them off.

Squinting at my legs, I cursed when I realized both legs were bound by hard metal links and it took an enormous, painful amount of effort to lean back far enough to pull myself up and stand against the part metal, part wood rack I'd been bound to only moments before. For minutes? Days? Hours?

What did they learn from me?

Two smoking wooden beams gave testament to the reason for my hands freedom even as circulation started to go back into my wrists. The green walls and wooden roofing thankfully looked like the Leaf interrogation rooms, as opposed to the cold and stark stone that I would expect Danzo to use. A single desk with a couple of papers sat a few feet away and one wall looked like a giant mirror with a small speaker attached to it.

The question however became, am I still in a genjutsu?

What did happen? Have I been in one since Yamato picked me up? Earlier?

Charging my palms again, and wincing at the effort it took, I blew apart the metal beam my legs were bound to and pulled on the top to my outfit tossed carelessly on the floor. I grinned at the feel of the manriki still woven through the belt.

So either they didn't find it am I'm no longer in a genjutsu because they wouldn't have known to include it, OR they did find it and put it in to give me the illusion I'm no longer in a genjutsu.

Damn. No wonder Itachi is so feared. Genjutsu SUCKS.

I stumbled painfully over to the table while ripping the chakra suppression tag off the back of my neck, wincing at the pain in my wrists and ankles before squinting at the papers on the table. I hope nobody knows how to read English here. Sitting on the table were my written plans, the drawing of Hope, instructions for Naruto's training, instructions for Tenten's training, six ticket stubs for the bets on Naruto, and…

Wait what? Hold the phone.

I picked up the sheet with Tenten's training written out on it carefully and read through it. It was in my handwriting, in English, and definitely had phrases written throughout it that someone crafting a genjutsu outside of Itachi wouldn't be able to replicate. Great, so I'm out of the genjutsu.

That's the good news.

I don't remember writing these instructions.

That's the bad news.

So either someone threw a memory suppression seal on me, I wrote these under a different genjutsu and don't remember it, the Yamanaka's have been playing in my head, or….

Ugh. There are WAY too many possibilities for not remembering having written this.

My head hurts.

Figuring its better safe than sorry, I walk back over to the metal rack and blow off another section of it until I've got a solid chunk of rebar. The table leg is swiftly broken with a solid swing giving me a truncheon in case I need to fight my way out through hallways.

"You're going to pay for that you know." An amused, feminine voice calls over the intercom. The amusement alone let me breathe a sigh of relief, but I had to be sure.

Hmm… how to make sure it is actually Anko. "And you are? I apologize for the rudeness, but I'm afraid I might have forgotten your name. Guess you weren't that memorable. Maybe take up kegels."

The intercom's static didn't quite hide the dark chuckle behind Anko's voice as she threatened to, and I quote, 'Rip your man-bits off with a rusty kunai you worthless limp-dicked little peon!'. Lovely girl that one.

"I'm shocked!" I gasp dramatically, already annoyed by how badly my ankles and wrists are throbbing. "Such language in front of children! Have you no SHAME woman!"

I'm not going to bother writing out her reply.

Hmm… no door. Guess I technically could make my own, but I REALLY don't want Ibiki or Anko to kick my ass.

"So… who all joined the party today?" I ask eventually, flopping down in the chair and propping my feet up on the half of the desk still standing to rub the pain from my rather raw ankles. Kiba's body might be weak, but he heals a damn sure faster than my original body.

"Oh you know a few friends here, a few friends there." Anko's amused voice responded with a malicious overtone. "My friend Mr. Kunai is supposed to come, along with Mrs. Whip…"

"Holy crap!" I interrupt with a yell. "She managed to get married? Damn, who'd she lie to."

The intercom went silent after that.

At LEAST an hour later, I gave up on waiting out of boredom. "You know, I'm sorry about your rack and all, but I WILL blow my way out of here soon. There are things about to happen that I HAVE to prevent."

"Such as?" A deep, threatening, yet completely cool voice asks immediately.

"Morino Ibiki. I'm honored." I said with a slight bow to the glass. "In answer to your question, is today before, or after the Chunin Exams?"

"Why does that matter?" Oh… he's good.

But I'm an asshole. "Then I'll go with before. You don't seem to be taking my interrogation seriously enough for it to be after."

"Why does that matter?"

"Why does what matter?"

Silence.

Win.

"It matters because… ARGH. Damn. Are ANBU guarding the cell?" I ask, already fairly certain of the answer.

"Why does that matter?" he asked again, and I detected a faint trace of amusement this time.

"Ugh. Did ANYTHING I remember happen?" I asked out loud unconsciously, frustrated beyond measure at the moment.

"Why does that matter?" He IS a damned sadist.

But I'm still an asshole. "Why does what matter? I'll TELL you why it matters. EVERYTHING is compromised. Top-down, and I really don't want to DIE, thank you very much."

I got slightly startled when I realized I wore my own face while glaring at the mirror, despite having been under the effects of a chakra suppression seal.

Blink. Ugh. This is making my head hurt. I'm seeing myself as I see myself. Which means I MIGHT still be in a genjutsu.

"I believe they call this paranoia." Ibiki observed casually as if speaking on the weather.

"No, I can absolutely promise you that it isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you."

"Who?"

Hmm… how to… OH. That's PERFECT. "Akatsuki. I'll talk with Jiraiya thank you."

Silence.

Thirty minutes later, a thick assed cloud of smoke poured out of the vents. At least I know I got their attention.

- 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 -

I woke up some time later trussed up like a pig with suppression seals on both of my arms, my hands, and my feet.

Heh. Guess they're taking me seriously this time.

A stern, grandfatherly voice filled with steel and the promise of death spoke up calmly behind me. "Start talking."

"Jiraiya I assume?" I asked casually, trying to ignore the pain lancing through my rebound wrists and ankles.

A heavy-handed punch like a ton of bricks against my kidney removed an desire I had to joke at the situation.

Right. His Godson. Heh. Forgot about that.

Okay, so not ALL desire to joke. Just the desire to do it out loud.

"TALK." The command came again.

I still couldn't see who it was however, and unfortunately I tried VERY hard to avoid Jiraiya since arriving so I honestly didn't know whether his voice matched the anime or not. Naruto's did, Tenten's didn't. Ayame's did, Teuchi's didn't. Since I didn't actually recognize the voice belonging to my current interrogator, I could only assume (and hope) it was Jiraiya.

"IF you are truly the Toad Sage, summon Naruto's future familiar and we'll talk." His meaty fist drove itself into my other side just as painfully, but gave no reply. My vision kept going blurry from the bone-jarring punches, but I managed to actually access my will. I couldn't use it through my legs, or my arms, or my neck, but…. I COULD feel my manriki still wrapped around my waist.

"This is your last warning." The man ground out threateningly, "Then I get a LOT less pleasant."

"One." I said, slowly drawing out the word even as the interlinked chain slowly unwrapped from around my waist, "You never asked a question. TWO," I shouted when I felt him move, "I don't want to DIE. And THREE…."

I forced ALL of my focus onto the damn chain, even as it whipped around and wrapped around my attackers neck before flying up and over the rack they bound me to. While the older man dangled from the links, I used the non-bladed end of the chain to sweep the chakra suppression tags off and carefully split my focus. The chain remained locked around the choking man's throat even as my palms blew apart the new wood of a second rack, followed as fast as I could by the two around my ankle.

Heh.

Oops.

I went ahead and let Jiraiya down once I turned around enough to actually SEE the person beating the crap out of me.

Stars formed in my eyes and a blastwave of pain erupted from the back of my head. I was being held in the air by a set of razor-sharp steel vice-grips even as a second blastwave of pain erupted in my skull. The stars barely started to fade when I found myself face to face with one angry as hell Sennin connected to a wildly flying mane of hair currently holding me against the wall.

"TALK. NOW." He growled out.

I racked my mind to find out SOMETHING to make the man TRUST me. What the hell was WITH this village? Did I murder somebody or something? Sleep with Hinata? Kill Naru… Wait. That's it. "A-Are you so willing to bet your living, breathing proof of your first book that my paranoia is wrong?" I wheezed out, begging him with my eyes to just fricking TRUST me for one damn minute.

He froze... Thank Kami… before his eyes became even MORE suspicious.

What the HELL!?

"TALK." He commanded again. Since when does the self-important, completely self-centered, and masochistic 'almighty Jiraiya-sama' have a TWO word….

Oh…

Time for a Star Wars moment. I closed my eyes and just FOCUSED. Then, when I could practically FEEL the chain collapsed on the floor a few feet away… I PULLED. My chakra reached out again and grabbed the manriki before wrapping around the man's neck a second time and heaving him back over the rack.

Boss.

"You aren't the Toad Sage." I coughed out, rubbing at my throat with one hand and my neck with the other. "You aren't even a real fucking HUMAN." I spat, turning to rub my wrists even as the nameless berserker struggled against the chain holding him in place. "You're dead."

I couldn't hide my eye twitch when the twitching, spasming man finally stopped moving, but I did my damndest to keep any and all emotions off of my face. I knew my silent watchers were probably looking for any weaknesses they could exploit and a weak stomach would be one of them.

The fact that I wanted to start puking right then and there was ignored.

I knew the man had to be dead or unconscious when Jiraiya's features finally fell away to reveal a… mutant with grey ashen skin wearing a Otogakure hiate-ate and a jonin flak jacket. I made doubly sure when I slammed the discarded rebar blade through his skull.

I had no intentions of tangling with a self-healing Cursed-Seal Beast.

Then came the harder part. Searching the body for anything useful.

Nothing. Not a single damn weapon.

Nice watch though. I kept that.

"Kukukuku… I'm impressed Kiba-kun." A silky smooth voice echoed through the chamber, sending shivers up my spine while bile rose in my throat. HIS voice was EXACTLY the same.

Kabuto.

"OH. I see you DO know more than you should. I'm curious how you found me out. I know for a fact that you didn't know who I was during the first, or even the second exam. I would have noticed."

Shit shit shit shit shit. I've got to get the HELL out of here NOW.

"What, nothing to say? You've been AWFULLY talkative so far. Besides Danzo-kun's tricks and trades, what OTHER knowledge do you have in that head of yours?" Kabuto's smooth voice echoed through the intercom. "And my my…. Just WHERE did you get it? I think I'm not the ONLY one with secrets Inuzuka Kiba."

From what I know of Orochimaru's bases, they are almost all built underground so…

Up.

I grabbed my rebar-sword and stuck it to my back before wrapping my belt back around my waist and ran straight up the glass I knew Kabuto stood behind to the ceiling.

"EXPLODY HANDS!" I scream maniacally with a goofy laugh, pumping as chakra as I could summon through my hands in an ever expanding wave before backing out of the way as the entire ceiling caved in, the most dirt and debris thankfully landing like a second wall against the glass like I'd hoped. I gathered my Will as strongly as I could to bust through the remaining dirt and went as high into the sky as I could before descending in the direction I saw lights in the distance. If luck was with me it would be Konoha, or at least something close.

I leapt out into the afternoon sun and started running towards the small city.

Hopefully I'm not in Oto, but East is as good as any direction when I have no fricking clue where I am.

- 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 -

I REALLY hate Inari at the moment.

"I think he went his way!" Random Suna ninja shouted loudly, as I landed on the river and charged ass up stream. When a flurry of kunai peppered the water around me, I took a deep ass breath and dove for one of them, before coming up and resuming my desperate assed run.

Oh no. I didn't find a nice village. I found the damn ARMY Suna brought for the INVASION.

FML.

"Follow the river! Don't let him escape!"

Huh. Random fact. Suna's grunt level shinobi apparently don't do water walking. That's useful.

The massive mud-wave flowing down the river towards me pushed my Straight Running practice to the limits as I ducked, rolled, jumped, and slid through the sticky mess at full speed.

"Did we get him?"

I didn't bother to respond.

"Don't let him get to the Outpost up river!"

OMG! Deus Ex Machina exists!

With renewed determination, I plowed ahead. I managed to get some distance on the grunts by taking a split in the river, but I could already feel that familiar burning setting in to muscles that indicated chakra exhaustion.

I almost cried when I saw the Konoha Outpost. The Leaf emblem proudly fluttering for all to see with a brilliant fire lit underneath it.

I did cry when I slipped in quietly through an upstairs window while Willing my chakra deep in my body just in case it was a trap.

Half a dozen dead ANBU littered the room. In pieces. Three Sound ninja sat on a stack of body parts like chairs. It was disgusting.

"So the Suna team said this guy supposed to be coming are way?" One of the two boys asked in a bored tone, idly twirling a kunai by the pommel-ring. Based on his chosen hairstyle, I think I'll call him 'Mohawk'.

"Yeah. Shouldn't be too tough, he'd already been in Kabuto and Tayuya's loving hands for two days. Some random samurai they picked up in Konoha, I heard." 'Mullet' commented in a similar tone. I decided he would die first.

The woman on the team scoffed loudly, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder dismissively. "Probably some weakling Orochimaru-sama picked up for more experiments. I heard the supposed 'samurai' didn't even have a sword when they brought him in. Just two wooden sticks and, get this, a pussy guard." I decided to name her Goldilocks.

I noticed an arm gauntlet similar to Dosu's on Mullet's arm and made note of it. Based on the way Goldy jingled when she tossed her hair, I figured she got similar training to Kin. The genjutsu user would need to die at the same time as Mullet since I don't really have a very good defense against genjutsu.

Dying after I succumbed to it counts as a defense.

Technically.

The biggest member of the trio, code named Mohawk struck me as a generic thug type. He would die last.

Killing again so soon really sucked, but I needed supplies and, despite their recently deceased owners, this Outpost was laden with them. Not to mention if I had ANY luck there would be a damn map in there, but I couldn't exactly search for it with the three Sound shinobi keeping watch.

I would have liked to summon a shadow clone for the reinforcement, but I doubt I can even USE chakra much longer, much less such a chakra intensive technique.

Resisting the urge to take a deep breath and prepare myself, I crawled silently across the main support beam and readied my single kunai, rebar-blade, and manriki.

Without making a sound, I let go, already swinging the kunai towards Mullet's skull. Even as I landed I released the kunai to let the manriki wrapped around my wrist untangle while I grabbed the rebar in a two handed grip to swing it with enough power to crush Goldie's skull while kicking out towards Mohawk. Without pausing, I launched to the shocked and staring grunt and brought the rebar down towards his head HARD.

"You son of a bitch!"

The crack was definitely satisfying, but Mohawk managed to get an arm up to block in time not to take the intended blow to his head. Unfortunately for the Sound-nin, both the kick and swing were distractions for the manriki already wrapping its way around his neck. Without giving him a chance to protest, I grabbed the chain and yanked hard while aiming a second kick at his face.

Pain exploded in my side when the now black lightbulb covered Mohawk caught my kick and returned it four or ten times as hard. Black spots exploded in vision as I took a second hit just as quickly to my face.

I reached back and grabbed the kunai even as as he landed a third kick to my thigh, effectively frogging me and nearly forcing me to my knees. I swung in sheer desperation even as he started laughing, giving a great deal of thanks that Suna kunai weren't as thick as Konoha's when the slender blade plunged easily through his eye and into his brain.

Not taking and chances with a Cursed Beast, I grabbed the ninjato from one of the dead ANBU and cut his damned head off while he stumbled back in pain.

Huffing as exhaustion started to set in, I forced back my exhaustion by sheer force of will (not chakra) and stripped a bloodied jonin vest from an ANBU's torso before setting about to gather more supplies.

The only ration bars I found reeked of the blood drenching them, but I forced back my nausea and chewed through two of them while searching Goldielocks. Sure enough, a VERY explicit and detailed map lay rolled up in her hip-pouch.

I went ahead and took the whole pouch since I could throw senbon better than kunai anyway. Failings of a misspent youth. Don't ask.

Taking a last look around the base, I decided to grab a couple of the bloodstained and slashed cloaks in case I needed to leave on as a distraction. I felt like shit leaving these guys bodies to just rot like this, but I needed to get back to the village.

From the look of the Sound-nin's map, the journey would be at least five days since, oh joy, I ran the wrong direction up river for half a damn day while trying to escape the damned Sand-nin. No wonder they didn't pursue. Add in evading patrols and I'd probably arrive with less than a week to warn the Sandaime.

Sighing at the sun rising in the distance I decided to use my remaining energy to head up river a little and get a nap. I doubt I could handle another fight at he moment, and what idiot runs farther away from the village when they have news of an Invasion.

I snorted.

This one apparently.

- 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 -

I woke up to the sounds of the forest, untying myself from the high reaches of the tree I managed to climb and looked at the sun to estimate the time. Probably some time between four and six o'clock.

I hoped the dark green cloak I wound around my torso would hide me from any pursues and either I didn't have any, or I was damn lucky. My wrists and ankles were thoroughly swollen and I could feel and upraised hand-print on my rather dry and scratchy throat. Opening my hakama caused and addition since at the massive blotchy purple and green blotches going up and down both sides of my torso.

I just prayed there wasn't any internal bleeding.

Boy if Kiba showed back up today, he'd be PISSED.

I took a good hour to thoroughly wrap my chest, but I could move a little easier. I couldn't do anything for the pain in my jaw, but I took a blood pill on the off chance I did actually have internal bleeding. The adrenaline and testosterone shot, or at least I hoped that's what it was, that I pulled from Mohawk's pouch went into my own.

After a quick equipment check, I pulled the hood of the ANBU cloak over my face and put on the tiger mask I found before setting out. I wouldn't have taken it, but sadly, the dead Aburame ANBU had eye-sight nearly as bad as my own and his iconic clan sunglasses were quiet thoroughly shattered.

I thought about checking the Outpost again when I passed, but the very thought of approaching the tomb where I murdered three children caused my stomach to twist painfully. I took the long way around the Outpost.

Leaping through the trees alone in what was effectively enemy territory. I knew I could have flown, but then everything I knew about the invasion would become useless. Straight Running wasn't nearly as fun when you had to keep your shitty assed eyes open for incoming threats. Especially when I had to start dodging Sand patrols around dusk. Either I caught up with the Sand army or...

Hold the phone. This is the SAND army. Argh. If I was Orochimaru, I would have loaded down the army with spies and of my own shinobi to look for betrayal in the rank and file even after killing off the Kazekage.

Oh well. It was a good distraction from the sounds of my pounding heart and feet as I leapt from limb to limb high above the ground. The Sound-nin might be used to fighting in forests, but the Land of Wind is a giant desert. Other than the occasional glider on fans like Temari's I didn't see a single Sand-nin high in the boughs with me.

Well after midnight my energy supply started to wane so I popped a soldier pill for the promised pick me up. Tasted like a rotted ration bar coated in bile and dunked in dog shit. No wonder Naruto couldn't stand the things. The little 'boost' was probably the nastiest thing I've ever tasted in my life. Wanting to ensure I wasn't running on fumes and caffeine I went ahead and downed another ration bar despite not being very hungry. Especially since the entire supply were effectively seeped in the blood of dead Leaf shinobi.

It made me almost understand why the circle of hatred Jiraiya always preached about existed in the shinobi world. The casual attitude and disrespect those Sound-nin had over the death of six people, not to mention the extreme level of disrespect they showed by using by effectively using the dead bodies as couches when there were perfectly good chairs available, it was just... disgusting.

Around two or three in the morning I hovered a few feet above the tallest tree I could find to get my bearings, hoping the Sand's grunts didn't have any chakra sensors as I used chakra for the first time since beginning my journey.

Then promptly dropped back down and started running away from the platoon of fan wielding Sand-nin that rose into the air a few dozen yards away. I must be more tired than I thought. I managed to shadow the whole damned army by less than a quarter of a mile.

Salvation came from the sight of an old battle where I found a blackened and burnt skeleton in the hollow of a tree burned out by an obviously powerful Katon jutsu. The next hour of listening to the heavy footfalls and stops from dozens of shinobi proved that my earlier stress levels were completely inconsequential. I fell asleep without even noticing it amidst shouted orders, angrily shouted responses, and the constant thumps of Earth jutsu as the Sand trackers tried to flush me out.

I finally woke back up around two or three in the afternoon if the sun could be trusted. That is provided I only slept the single day. I chewed through three moldy ration are before setting out, feeling positively ravenous. I checked the wraps on my sides, but they still held strong. The rather potent funk coming from them told me I needed to find a river or pond soon if I didn't want to tip off the Wind Country's version of Inuzukas.

To avoid the army I managed to tip off last night, I headed straight East for a solid hour before turning South again. If the map I took from the three dead nins could be trusted, I only had a day of solid travel left before making my final approach to the village.

"I hope you appreciate this Naruto, Tenten." I muttered as I picked Kiba's sore and beaten body back up and took off again towards the mountainous monument I could finally see in the distance.

I'd figure out when I got closer to the village just exactly how to actually ENTER said village undetected.

- 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 -

Two weeks.

I would have two full weeks back in the village to warn the Sandaime by the time I arrived. Which meant my vacation took me outside the village for a full week without notice, warning, or notice. I rather hoped the Hokage didn't mark me as a missing nin.

I bet Naruto, Tenten, and Akamaru are livid by now. Hopefully the blonde menace didn't think I ditched him.

I managed to find the date, the main road, AND my route into the village purely in an absolute reverse of my previous luck.

A genial drunk old man's loud boasting drew my attention and I moved to investigate out of curiosity and boredom more than anything else. Stressed to hell? Yes.

But when you're ADHD, everything gets boring quickly. Why do you think I'm such a damn jack of all trades. Kendo, Jujitsu, web design, sewing (seriously), writing, and loads more. I'm like the ultimate guy for random skills.

The old man turned out to be leading a mule pulling a cart loaded up with lumber with his impossibly hot and sexy daughter and a young boy around ten or twelve.

Did you know Tazuna and family came to watch the Chunin Exams? Cause I sure as hell didn't. Little tidbit never came up in the anime of manga as far as I know.

I'll have to let Naruto know.

Convincing them to let me come along took almost no effort. I just showed them my genin registration and offered to trade stories about Naruto with them if they agreed to give me a ride to the village. It would add a day on to the journey, but a little make-up, a set of sunglasses, and some borrowed clothes from Tazuna left their nephew Haku to join them on their journey. Choosing that name in effigy of the downed Yuki Clan member might have been the convincing hook I needed so they didn't send me away when I pulled Tsunami and Tazuna aside after Inari went to bed and explained that I was on an ANBU mission and needed to get into the village unseen.

I finally relaxed for the first time in four days under the gentle care of an extremely sexy nurse. Say what you will, but Tsunami is one smoking hot M.I.L.F.

Ugh. My libido is back. Joy.

If I could put a guess out, I managed to stay away a full ten minutes sprawled out on top of Tazuna's lumber before passing out that night. So tired and exhausted I didn't even think to hide the acquired jonin vest or the ANBU mask and cloak. I felt like a total ass when I realized that when I finally woke up, only to find the freshly (mostly) cleaned cloak draped over my sleeping form and rolled up slightly to look like a blanket.

Tsunami didn't say anything the next morning, but I could see the bags under her eyes from a sleepless night. I realized why when I noticed she also changed my chest wrappings after I effectively fell unconscious.

Apparently I wasn't the only one afraid there might still be internal bleeding. I think she refrained from mentioning anything because Inari woke up before I did. Kid still thought all ninja stayed invincible super heroes through their career saving countries and princesses alike.

I can't even remember being that naive as a child. I asked my parents why the bad guys always managed to lose after they kicked the Power Rangers butts so bad every time.

Got a spanking for that. Six year olds aren't supposed to say 'kick butts'.

I couldn't help my excitement and amusement upon arriving at the village, luckily without a Sand or Sound ninja anywhere to be seen, because, as I loudly told everyone in excitement, "It's my first time coming in the gates of an awesome ninja village!"

True too! Heh.

I stayed with the trio all the way to their hotel, shocked at his easily I bypassed the Eternal Gate Guards, Izumo and Kotetsu. No wonder Itachi and Kisame came in so 'easy as you please' and even stopped for coffee (and I suspect pocky) during there search for Naruto a month from now.

Hehe. I should buy some pocky if I manage to finagle Jiraiya into taking me along during the Search for Tsunade Arc. Yes. I'm that big of a geek. Sue me.

Once darkness fell, and after ensuring the window stayed lit in the old monkey's office, I donned the full ANBU ensemble despite having no clue just what the punishment, fine, or jail time might be for impersonating an ANBU before bidding my hosts good night and thanking them profusely for their hospitality. Inari demanded that I let Naruto know they are here to cheer him on.

I promised the message had already been passed on.

I needed to see the Hokage.

- 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 - 4 -


	5. Enter the Tiger

- 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 -

The night air had a pleasant chill that matched the one in very bones as I set off across the rooftops while clinging to the shadows of the village on my way to the Hokage's Tower.

The people of the town slept peacefully unaware that the scroll wrapped in the last shreds of my black hakama pants held the potential to save many of their lives in the coming weeks.

I spent most of the day here carefully writing, scrapping, and re-writing the scroll in my hand, joking smiling and laughing with Tazuna and company the whole way. Inside held everything I felt safe to tell the Sandaime before Danzo's hopefully upcoming death. Nearly three-fourths of the document happened to be a huge whopping pack of lies and mistruths.

Which is one of the reasons why I wrote it down. I didn't think for a moment I could drop this load of bull on Naruto verbally and have him believe it, much the Sandaime. As a veteran of three wars, acknowledged God of Shinobi, nicknamed the Professor, and showing no signs of his old age, I knew the Hokage would pick apart every facial expression I made if I tried to foist this off on him in spoken for instead of written.

The second reason I wrote it is entirely selfish. As I stated while trapped in, I'm guessing, Tayuya's genjutsu:

I. Don't. Want. To. Die.

Putting myself into Danzo's shoes for a split half-second told me Hiruzen's office wood end up bugged six ways from Sunday. Then I'd given him a command with Shisui's freaky eye that any such seals, microphones, or whatever were to always be beneath notice or importance.

Lord Almighty I'd have already taken over the Leaf Village, if not the entire Fire Nation if I had Shisui's eye AND the Senju cells letting me use it at least once a day. I DO like Danzo as a character in the series, because I think something like the Root program should exist to a point, but as a megalomaniac bent on world domination the man just plain sucks at it.

"Ow ow ow ow ow..." I hissed as angrily and quietly as I could while clutching my throbbing sides and head when I finally arrived at my destination. Instead of using chakra to climb the walls of the Hokage Tower after dodging past the last village patrol, I decided to just hop down from one of the nearby apartment buildings in the hopes that any sensors among the real ANBU weren't nearly to Karin's level.

Instead of dropping down like a kick-ass super spy, I somehow ended up with an ANBU mask full of black fur and a hissing, scratching, biting menace. I definitely pulled a Naruto moment as I flailed my arms wildly trying to grab the damned furball that seemed intent on ripping out my larynx with its surprisingly sharp teeth. Just before landing painfully with a rather loud thump, I managed to get the little demon by the scruff of its scrawny neck and hold the damn claws away from my body.

Which caused said hissed whimpers of pain because the little ended up with a safe landing after I crashed hard on my back into one of the teeth like gray spires that top the tower like a crown of inwardly curved spikes. After bouncing off said spire, I finally rolled to a stop near the center of the tower before thrusting the still hissing cat above my head.

"God I hope you appreciate this Naruto." I muttered, wincing as my stomach felt like I'd just taken another Cursed-Seal powered kick from the dead Mohawk. The cat hung limply in the air, finally giving up as it mewdled a sad tone.

The pink bow tie around the little blighter's neck clued me in to the reason why.

"Hi Tora."

Mrorowww...

Damn. That's one sad cat.

Eh. What the hell.

I pulled him a little closer and scratched the back of his neck where my cat Tike always loved it the most before wincing as I lifted my other arm to actually pet the little beasty.

In the pale bit of moonlight, I could actually see the conflict on Tora's face as he experienced real petting for the first time. He purred at a near constant as I sat there waiting the burning vitriol that erupted on my left side to finally settle down. Good lord I haven't felt pain this bad since my appendix almost burst a couple of years back.

A solid ten minutes of petting the surprisingly affectionate cat later and I decided I'd put off my visit to the Hokage far too long. He needed this information and I needed an ally. Tora complained quite loudly as I stopped petting him to stumble awkwardly to my feet.

"Oohhh..."

I couldn't prevent the moan that escaped my throat as stars exploded in front of my vision. Something happening far too often since my arrival in Naruto-verse. Luckily, Tora's annoyed meows covered the sound and I still hadn't heard, seen, or sensed anyone.

Ignoring the fact that I couldn't even 'sense' Naruto when he charged up his chakra so much waves of... something gathered in the air around him when he practiced his first flying lesson. Little scamp didn't get it first try, but I had faith in him.

I yanked the pink bow off Tora's neck and stuffed it in my pocket. Daimyo's wife or not, no-one should be allowed to abuse animals.

Amusingly enough, the little blighted jumped up on my shoulder and started nuzzling my neck. Heh. Akamaru's gonna shit himself if Tora ends up following me home.

Providing, you know, I don't end up recovering from the last week under the gentle and soothing care of Nurse Mitarashi-sama.

Heaving a deep breath, and immediately regretting it, I opened the door to the roof and slipped inside the Tower.

"Tiger." A monotone voice called out from the shadows of the hallway as I moved in the general direction I thought the Hokage's office would be. The man that stepped out completely towered over me by at least a half a foot.

Dog mask? Check.

Blonde mop of slicked back hair on top, black crew-cut hair on the sides? Check.

Shit.

"Commander." I said, in what I hoped might sound SOMETHING like the dead ANBU I've never met, nor heard.

"Where is your team?"

"Dead. Outpost is lost."

"Dead! What? When?" He demanded intently, his very presence saturating the air around me. It wasn't killing intent, but something... else. The feeling you get when in a room with the President, only he starts snapping orders around and you just NEED to follow them. This guy is the real deal.

"In my report." I state carefully and diplomatically, hoping I wasn't about to screw myself. "I am going to turn it in to Hokage-sama."

"I will deliver it." He declares crisply, reaching his hand out with an open palm.

I stepped back. This could get ugly. "With all do respect sir, I will only deliver this to Hokage-sama. After what I went through to get this information to Hokage-sama, I will ONLY deliver it to him and him alone." I slipped the blood-stained black cloth back far enough to show him the exploding tag I wrapped around my report. "You may accompany me however." I offered.

His presence increased tenfold to the point where I just wanted to fall on a knee and offer up the scroll as his eyes bored into my own through the mask. "Very well." Yeah, my so-called cover is SO blown.

I wonder if you can get ice cream while in T&I.

He backed up and motioned for me to lead, but considering what I know of Kabuto's abilities, I wasn't chancing shit. "Again sir, with all due respect, I will give my back to no-one till the information in my hand is safe with Hokage-sama."

Holy fucking shit. Seriously. When did I go from just planning to train up Naruto while learning the sealing arts to criss-crossing the damned Fire Country and having a damned stare down with the frigging COMMANDER of ANBU?!

It took a minute, but he nodded and turned silently while setting off. I really couldn't do anything else but follow.

You know, since I had no friggin clue where the Hokage's office is. I've avoided this tower like the plague since waking up here two weeks ago.

I twitched when I saw an ANBU guarding either side of the wide oaken and lacquered doors to the Hokage's office, the Leaf emblem proudly carv... err GROWN into each of the two doors. Must have been Yamato's work. I know Gai's had to have blasted through those doors at least a dozen times.

Speaking of, a stern looking Maito Gai stood shoulder to shoulder with Sarutobi Asuma and Gekko Hayate.

Yeah. Cover is SO blown.

On a plus note, Hayate's alive! Wonder how that happened.

"Report." The Sandaime's crisp voice echoed in the eerily silent office, and a hint of movement next to the bookcase giving away one of the hidden ANBU as, I'm guessing here, the new guy wasn't quite used to high stress situations like this one.

The ANBU Commander somehow appeared behind the Hokage's shoulder despite the fact that I never took my eyes off the old monkey.

Instead of speaking, I just held up the rather thick scroll in a non-threatening manner, praying to GOD that the old kage somehow read English. I've seen traces of the language here and there on ramen cups, chess games, and even the tshirts wore by kids at the Academy, so the idea he might have learned it isn't TOO far fetched.

If not, I've seriously screwed up.

- 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 -

The Hokage's face went through many emotions as he read my 'report.'

Amusement, anger, annoyance, before finally settling on to a face of carved granite so thoroughly emotionless he looked almost dead if it wasn't for his eyes flickering line by line at speeds that astounded.

"Tiger." He stated after every page of the rolled up document disappeared in a burst of flame before the wily kage gathered of the ashes with an impressive display of Futon jutsu and dumped them in his pipe. At least he believed that much. "Roll up your shirt."

Damn. This is going to suck.

Guess he wants proof that I'm as injured as I claim before he bothers with the rest of the information contained within the document.

It took effort, aided surprisingly by Gai and a firm grip on the wood in front of me, but I managed to get up from my position kneeling in front of the monkey's old desk and unsnapped my cloak. Tora, perched as he is only shoulder, decides to voice his dissatisfaction with the action quiet clearly.

From the same bookcase I noticed earlier, the new guy asked clearly if the cat riding on my shoulder is actually the demon spawn Tora. The kage frowned. That's one ANBU going to be working the sewage plant patrol.

Huh. I wonder how Tenten is doing.

Gai ended up having to roll the mesh shirt up for me since I just couldn't muster the strength to physically lift my arms high enough on my shoulders to lift the heavy metal shirt. Guess that hard landing on the roof did more damage than I thought.

Sharp hisses and two whistles echoed in the room when my stomach finally came in to view. The large red bubbles flap of skin that flopped out as Gai unwrapped the bandages confirmed my worst fears.

It also sent me right over the pain threshold I'd been holding back through sheer force of will for the last hour since crash landing with Tora.

I would like to point out that I'm totally not conscious for the next portion of the story, but I'll include it anyway.

The gathered jonin, ANBU, and kage trade glances with each other as Gai carefully laid Kiba's busted the hell up body on the couch that Naruto so often frequented growing up directly underneath a picture of the Yondaime.

"The boy looks like he went through Hell to get here." The ANBU Commander commented, being the one to finally break the silence. "Do we know who he is Hokage-sama?"

Hiruzen rubbed the bridge of his nose harshly while his thoughts broiled over the contents of my letter. "I'm not sure." The man finally said, his eyes roving Kiba's damaged body even as Gai carefully finished stripping off my shirt and cloak to reveal the damages outside of my bruised and possibly broken ankles.

The condition of Kiba's body definitely isn't a pleasant sight. The reddened bandages on both wrists did little to hide the angry purple and blue bruising that extended up my forearms, nor the chakra burns on my only recently calloused hands. Five distinct finger bruises, along with part of the palm, layered on my neck provided the reason why I had such difficulty breathing over the last three days despite having stoically ignored it.

Kiba's torso is arguably the worst. From my kidneys to my pectorals the entire area is a giant purple, green, yellow, and red bruise. The flab of red-botched skin that bulged angrily from my right side above my groin answered the question without a doubt that Kiba is in fact suffering from internal bleeding. In my world, it would be a miracle if I the saw outside of the Intensive Care unit for weeks... if at all.

"Have him taken to T&I under the care of Ibiki and Mouse as a foreign spy. The paperwork for this doesn't exist. Tiger's mask is not to be removed. Understood?" The Dog-masked ANBU Commander nodded sharply, already grasping the subtle instructions not given. "Gai. I know you are worried about your student, but I would appreciate it if you assisted in keeping an eye on our spy."

Gai nodded solemnly, none of his normal exuberance present, though he didn't break from his norm too badly. "His Flames of Youth burn brightly indeed. I would be honored to assist Hokage-sama!" He stated fiercely, snapping to attention.

"Get me Butcher."

The next few days... weeks maybe?... passed in a blur of repeated unconsciousness and pain. I actually woke up twice while the Mouse-masked ANBU sliced into me to carve out the dead flesh before falling right back asleep under the comforting feel of medical chakra. Her hands felt like liquid lidocaine as wherever she touched, even inside my stomach, her chakra deadened the pain completely.

The Hokage himself visited me once in one of my more lucid moments, but I can only really remember that my message got delivered. Genma, and by association Naruto and Tenten knew I got back to the village. I have no idea if we talked about anything else.

You want to know what joke Kami decided to play on me?

Kiba's appendix burst.

That's why the pain felt so similar.

- 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 -

Awareness eventually turned into true lucidity even through the dripping pain-killers from the I.V. in my hand. A second I.V. dripped needed water and nutrients, if I could guess.

The I.V. scared me for a minute because if it's a truth serum, I might have just been pumped for information without a single memory of it.

I tried to rub the caked on shit around my eyes, but the damned Tiger mask got in the way. I started to lift the mask away to scrub, but an amused voice stopped me. "Hokage-sama decreed the mask isn't to be removed." Feminine, highly amused to an almost sadistic level. My money's on Anko, but since she woman is beside me and my neck is strapped down, I have no idea. Only my arms are free, presumably to eat.

"And just how am I supposed to get the shit outta my eyes?" I shoot back sarcastically, annoyance lacing my tone. I'm not a morning person.

She snorted. "Blink a lot." Came her reply, along with a careless unconcerned air. "What do I care?"

"Ms. Mitarashi I assume?" I asked just as rudely.

"Tch. As if. Hokage-sama called me up from the reserves just to heal your sorry ass. Name's Mouse."

Huh.

"I would say 'Pleased to meet you.', but I seem to be strapped the hell down, I can't see you, and I'm pretty sure you're a bitch, so instead I'll just say Thanks."

"No problem." She replied cheerfully, a slurping, smacking sound echoing in the dark, windowless room lit by a single wall-sconce.

"So how bad was I?" I finally asked after trying, unsuccessfully, to blink the grit from my eyes. My stomach quite rudely prompted me to ask a second question, if the groan it gave is any indication, so I did. "And can I get some of whatever you're eating. I'm starved."

"You should be dead." She answered in the same cheerful and unconcerned manner. I know that voice. "Lucky for you, I happen to be one of the best med-nin's in the village and Hokage-sama seems to think your worthless ass is worth something." Where do I know that voice...? Having shitty assed eyes all my life (and being a putz that always broke my glasses) I tended to think of people in two ways. Their posture, or gait, and their voice. I know that voice. "And like hell I'm sharing my ramen with you. I don't even share my ramen with imouto-kun."

Ramen. Little brother. Sarcastic.

"Ayame?" I verbalize, the voice finally coming to me.

"Urk. Um... No?"

Heh. I'm awesome. "I won't tell. Pinky promise." I said with a real grin, even going so far to hold up my left arm in her general direction with my pinky extended.

"I.. er... Don't know this Ayame you are talking about." She said with a slight pouty tone in her voice.

I shrugged, or tried to anyway. The point is the intent was there. "Yeah I guess, you don't seem like as much of a skanky fangirl."

The bop I got on the head didn't really hurt, but I think that came more from the pain-killers than a lack of intent on her part. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Her loud scream echoed in the small room. "I am not a... err... I'm sure SHE is not a skank! And SHE most certainly isn't a FANGIRL!"

Heh.

"How would YOU know?" I asked, a shit-eating grin wide on my face. "I thought you didn't know her?" I ignored her sputtering and continued. "Besides, I've seen the way she looks at Naruto-kohai. Total fangirl."

"Grrrr..."

"So I take it something to eat is out of the question?" I asked, cutting off her angry retort.

"Tch. What do YOU think?"

Heh. Too easy. "That I'm a super-awesome badass and you're just dying to spoon feed me ramen because you fell for my devilishly handsome, ruggedly masculine good looks."

"You got the devilish right. Or bestial rather. Have you ever HEARD of a razor?" Damn. She's good.

"Those are the things the Uchiha-emo uses all the time while crying and painting his eyelids black, right?"

She snorted. I counted it as a win.

An elderly chortle cut off my next one liner, which is good since I didn't have one. Whatever the hell they are pumping in to me? Yeah. This stuff is GOOD.

"It's good to see you back to your old self Tiger-kun." The Sandaime's ever cheerful and grandfatherly voice called from behind me. I felt the room... shift, for lack of a better term, when the door opened, but didn't pay it any mind.

Heh. Whoops.

I've never really been able to describe my innate paranoia when it comes to doors, even when growing up in my world. I could always... feel when a door opened behind me. Drove my parents batty growing up. Definitely a ninja village though. Crafty bastards had the interrogation table, technically hospital bed at the moment, facing away from any doors that opened. Annoying.

"Hokage-sama." I greeted, hearing movement from Mouse's direction, but she didn't say anything.

"Hoho. No need to be so formal on your sickbed Tiger-kun," the old man joked warmly. No wonder Naruto practically worships the guy. His presence, when I don't think I'm about to die, just gives off that Santa Claus feeling kids get when sitting in the lap of Bob the local drunk and giving their Christmas wish list in the local malls.

Yes. I AM a very jaded person. Stop asking.

"Mouse, if I could have a few minutes of Tiger-kun's time?" He asked politely, getting a shuffle from the older girl. "Hehehe. Don't worry, you can come back and flirt with your patient some more soon." And now we know where Jiraiya got his perverted giggle.

Old lecher.

After Ayame... er... Mouse left in a huff, door slamming and all, the Hokage gave another perverted giggle before I heard a ruffle of cloth and felt a... something wash over the room. Like a breeze, only not. Lord, that doesn't even make sense in my head.

"The room is completely sealed." The old kage said plainly, his grandfatherly tone still in effect. "You can speak plainly Gary-kun. If that IS your name."

I WANTED to believe him, but I'd seen Sai in action before, and I didn't doubt there might be a stray mouse running rampant somewhere. "Err... And the OTHER geezer, old man?" I asked carefully. The fact that he called me Gary at least let me know the man flopping down into the chair beside me is the old kage.

"Er... He has been, how to put this..." He asked himself with no small amount of amusement. "Disarmed. Last I heard he was having some difficulties with his vision too. Old age just gets the best of us sometimes."

I couldn't help laughing at the old man's sense of humor. Danzo had been disARMed.

Heh. I like this old geezer.

"Heh. That's awesome. And er... the Invasion?" I asked, slightly worried since both Naruto and Tenten were basically going to be on the front lines of said conflict... or already have been? What day IS it?

"Your letter was quiet informative, I assure you." The old man said with another chuckle. "However, there won't even BE an Invasion." His tone held that oh so annoying tone of 'I know something you just want to hear' and the old bat made me wait a good minute while he chuckled before continuing. "Actually, your friend, and roommate so I hear, had much to do with that. Naruto-kun provided me with the perfect opportunity to meet with a number of the Sand's top leaders." He continued to chortle as he reminisced about whatever it is Naruto did.

Knowing Naruto, it was big, unexpected, oh of the blue, and created loads of free lumber. Kid's like John Mcain only without the mass of collateral damage except when it comes to dirt and trees.

I laughed, imagining some of the things Naruto MIGHT have done before getting around to asking what he actually did. "So what did the little scamp do?"

"Oh. It's quite the tale. In fact, you've missed a lot over the last three weeks. The final stage is on Monday in case you're wondering.

"Let's see. Based on your letter, you left almost exactly two weeks ago. We'll start there and bring you up to speed. Young Naruto's err... amusing exploits have left you quite out of the loop. The last two weeks have been rather busy here around the village, thanks in no small part to you young man. When you dismissed Naruto..."

- 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 -

It took HOURS and HOURS and WAY too many shadow clones, but he did it!

'Aniki-senpai is going to be in awe when he sees THIS!' Naruto thought to himself as he sped over the village, transformed into an eagle at Senpai's suggestion.

The shadow clone promised not to dispel itself till Naruto had a chance to show off to Kiba himself. Instead the copy-Kiba sat down to really write up training schedules for both Naruto and Tenten.

I interrupted the Hokage at that point in his story to let him know a new fun fact about shadow clones. Apparently you do NOT get their memories if the dispel while unconscious because I found the written out training schedule, but had no idea where it came from. In fact, I have no idea WHAT the shadow clone did.

The Hokage's knowing smile at that statement gave me shivers. Especially when he said he would explain later.

I didn't bother asking how the Hokage managed to have a play-by-play on Naruto's life, having seen just how open the kid tends to be while storytelling during a visit to Ichiraku's. The little scamp got himself beaned by Ayame while retelling the Wave mission when he started describing the color, feel, and texture that made up the fabric of Tsunami's lace underwear. No wonder Sakura thinks he's a pervert.

How he even KNEW that I never got to ask, but back to the Hokage's tale.

After flying around for a few hours, he found a frantic Akamaru barking up a storm when he went back to the clearing that Kiba trained to two at earlier in the day. Not speaking 'dog' like I somehow can, Naruto told Akamaru that they needed to find Kiba if it was that big of a deal.

The Hokage's earlier chuckle came to mind, especially since the pervy old man explained where the duo found my clone nearing on dusk that first day. For the sake of sanity, remember this is my fifth day in Naruto-verse while sitting in the room with the Hokage is roughly somewhere (I think) between day twenty and twenty two.

Akamaru's powerful schnauzer tracked my clone from the back of the Hokage's Monument to a random bookstore where I'm assuming the clone bought up the writing supplies for my training schedule.

Fun fact. The Konoha Clans have charge accounts with most of the businesses throughout the city. Apparently most shinobi suck at keeping track of their money. The old monkey didn't have to sound so amused when he told me that mine ended up cancelled by the clan for some unknown reason though.

I blame Naruto. And Tsume.

Anyway, after leaving the bookstore my clone continued on his route and racked up a VERY sizable bill at Ichiraku's. Not quite as expensive as the first time I took Naruto, but damn close. I am such an asshole. Even to myself.

Naruto loved the fact that Akamaru could track by smell and complimented the puppy constantly. Those two get along like peanut butter and jelly. Two opposites, but somehow they work. The snarky little shit pissed on me at least seven times before I got kidnapped. Never once pissed on Naruto, but that could also be that the kid tended to feed Snarky full bowls of ramen instead of beaning the little runt in the head with unopened ration bars like I did.

They bypassed a park where, if I know myself, the clone went to have some natural serenity while he drew up the training schedules for Naruto and Tenten. Since my clone wasn't there, they bypassed it completely.

I grunted noticeably when the Hokage giggled over where they finally tracked down my clone.

Yeah. You guessed it. Genma and Tenten's shop.

They found the traitor clone with a set sai he'd managed to track down when he showed up AGAIN at Tenten's shop. Keep in mind, that's three of them, not two. Shupid Americanized…

Naruto, and the Hokage himself, was awed by the impromptu training session my clone ended up giving Naruto, Tenten, and Genma on the underappreciated weapons. However, since Naruto apparently plans on putting that lesson to use during the chunin final exam, I'll leave you guessing at just how good I am with the powerful weapons.

I'll give you a hint. Better than with manrikis, but worse than blades. Then again, my skill with a manriki pretty much sucks, so maybe that isn't a good comparison since I tend to use the things like glorified whips instead of how they are meant to be used.

Akamaru interrupted the lesson with an angry bark and growl after an impressive display of patience on his part. My clone translated, or seemed to. The Hokage agreed with me that he lied through his teeth when he told those gathered that the original had explosive diarrhea and Akamaru couldn't stand to be near him.

Worst thing about the whole situation?

Tenten pulled a major fangirl moment... er... HOURS over the clone's knowledge of various weapons. The flail-scythe, whose Japanese name escapes me at the moment, the bo staff, the hanbo (the equivalent of a walking stick), the naginata (a Japanese version of a halberd with a much more lithe and mobile blade), and even claws (like Vega). The fangirl moment happened when I explained that the way of Bushido (causing Genma to snort out his tea through his nose) does not differentiate between weapons, merely wielders. When my clone stated that in the hands of a true master of the blade, a pencil becomes as deadly as the sharpest sword, then proved it by disarming a kunai laden Genma with a kanji brush Tenten actually squealed and nearly dispelled said clone by way of massive glomp.

I quickly got clarification from the Hokage that my clone wasn't a complete idiot and stressed to the three that neither I nor the clone were in any way shape or form blademasters. I barely considered myself competent, much less a blademaster or even journeyman.

Like a yellow-belt maybe. One cut above average.

Being the best shinai wielder among a group of twenty geeks is still being the best among a group of twenty GEEKS. Not exactly the greatest of accomplishments.

I did give my clone props when instead of dispelling; the Hokage said he played the part of me for the next few days, conserving his chakra to the extreme through meditation. I laughed my ass of when the clone told Naruto that Akamaru was on his period and put him on a leash in the bathroom to prevent the little scamp from reporting my absence to the Inuzuka Clan.

I am SO gonna pay for that.

The week before I managed to sneak back into the village apparently passed quietly, despite the ever growing bill at Ichiraku's.

Damnit! They stole all my money! And killed Kenny! Those bastards!

I miss cable television. I should figure out a way to buy Naruto one. So I can use it.

The Hokage chortled maliciously when he informed me that Tenten ended up being the one to dispel my clone when she hunted him down after he'd avoided her for a full week. I wonder who's helping to train Neji for the Finals?

We sort of agreed that my clone probably got beaned when I passed out next to the toasty skeleton in the tree. Since Naruto ended up doing some major training with Jiraiya, no-one actually noticed my absence from the village till I stumbled my way into the Hokage's office.

I wasn't sure if I should be happy about that fact or not.

In Tenten's defense, she just assumed I was avoiding her and ended up training with her team-mate Neji to help him train for his upcoming fight against Naruto in the Finals. The Hokage at the point casually added that Tenten managed to go through at least forty of her normal sealing scrolls filled with implements of death during last week.

Heh. Bet the stick-up-his-ass got the Kaiten down MUCH faster this time around.

From the Hokage's continued narration, the real fireworks actually happened the day AFTER I got back.

Apparently the clone spent a number of days one on one with a handful of Naruto clones and while teaching him lessons on subtly, evasion, and tactics, managed to also give tips on the strength and weaknesses of each and every competitor in the Chunin Finals.

Including Gaara.

Naruto, being the great guy he is, still visited Lee, Choji, and Hinata in the hospital at the same time Gaara felt like ensuring Lee didn't need to worry about his arm and leg getting fixed. Only this time, unlike what occurred in the manga, Gai was checking in on my corpse-like self instead of playing anxious father to his mini-clone Lee.

Naruto put those tips my clone gave him on tactics into play while intelligently, and stupidly, leading Gaara on a merry chase to the outskirts of the village. Intelligently because a rampaging Gaara at a hospital means no more hospital. Stupidly because, taking a joke made in VERY bad taste by my clone literally, the hyperactive idiot proceeded to make dozens of tasteless jokes about Gaara's mother to keep his fellow jinchurkki's attention.

At least the squirt took my advice on never engaging in a real fight in person when shadow clones would do. The Sandaime estimated my room-mate managed to get his clones Sand Coffin'd at least a hundred or more times before he turned and engaged the red-haired boy.

I STILL wonder if Gaara's mom was an Uzumaki with that red hair. I didn't ask the Sandaime because too many fan-fic authors would be disappointed if the man's answer is no.

On a side-note, Naruto's best... and most visually disturbing... insult to Gaara's mom was telling the sociopathic Suna jinchurkki that if he ever wanted a turn at the sexy Shukaku carousel, all he needed to do was hop on, slap the fat, and right the heavenly sandy waves since Gaara's mom is basically Suna's custom carousel. She doesn't care WHO gets on for a ride, as long as she gets a spin.

Many bothans died to bring you that information. Well, Naruto clones to be specific, but who really cares.

Now, Naruto and Gaara's run across the village didn't actually go unnoticed. Mostly because the blonde chakra battery decided to fly his way across the village while peppering the ground in front of the completely focused Gaara with shadow clones transformed into rocks, sticks, and pebbles.

Many villagers fled the area not because of Gaara's monstrous, bloodlust filled killing intent as it grew exponentially with every new insult, but because they thought the blonde finally snapped and decided to carpet bomb them. Even a number of the village's shinobi forces tried to cut down the flying blonde by way of kunai and shuriken.

Idiots.

Here's a kid doing everything he can to save their damn lives, having never ONCE shown even the slightest HINT of succumbing to his bjuu's chakra, and they decide to run around like chickens with their heads cut off or frigging ATTACK him because of the merest THOUGHT that MAYBE he MIGHT have finally decided to return some of their own behavior back on them.

I told the Sandaime with a cheerful smiling face at that point in his story that if anyone tried anything like that concerning Naruto with me in the area that I would happily slit their throats.

My next question surprised and annoyed the old man. Surprised because he didn't think about it and annoyed because I got the feeling he really enjoyed playing storyteller to a captive audience and didn't particularly like said story being interrupted.

You don't get much more captive than strapped down to a bed without even knowing what the only door in the room even LOOKS like while deep in the heart of... Huh. Well I'm guessing ANBU HQ, but that's only because the room isn't painted the same color as the T&I rooms from the anime.

I asked him if anyone thought to make sure Naruto was okay mentally considering the fact that his own damn comrades attacked him in broad daylight while fleeing and fighting the Sand jinchurikki. When he gave a sheepish 'No', I asked him just how much cannabis he smokes when he lights up his pipe.

He had the decency to apologize, though the old man completely ignored my question about the weed.

That right there explains SSSSSOOOOOO much.

I asked him if Naruto could visit since the squirt already knows I'm not exactly from around here, if not the full extent. Naturally, thanks to my awesome charm, that or my highly sarcastic sense of humor paired with a huge damn guilt trip, he agreed.

I told him to go ahead and skip the fight with Gaara, since I knew Naruto would win and the brat would tell me anyway, to find out just how in the hell the Invasion could already be derailed.

Eighty something years old and the geezer pouted.

He actually pouted.

How young can you be to use the phrase 'I'm too old for this shit'?

The rest of the old man's tale is just WAY too awesome to spoilt beforehand.

I'll tell you about it as it happens. I'm SO looking forward to old snake-face's reaction to the shit the wily old monkey cooked up for him.

What I'm not looking forward to is the upcoming conversation about my presence here and what it means for seeing my daughter again. We briefly touched on my being here, most especially my desire to go HOME at the end of his explanation. The look of absolutely pity and just... old that came from his voice when he said it needed to be a conversation for another day scared the hell out of me. Though he did pass on the little tidbit that I'm not the first, nor would I be the last spirit displaced in time.

His hesitation over the word spirit made my gut clench like nothing else.

The old man then asked a completely random question, at least to my mind. "By the way, I'm trying to remember because I think it's coming up soon. What is Tsume-chan's birthday again?"

"August twelfth." I immediately answered, my gut clenching even more. I didn't know that. I never cared. That isn't my knowledge. It's Kiba's knowledge.

He promised to send Naruto around before vanishing in a puff of smoke. I would have happily dispelled the clone with a rusty spoon after he dropped his parting comment while the drugs finally pulled me back to sleep.

"Keep in mind Gary-kun. Kiba-kun is still part of you. How else do you think you talk so easily with Akamaru?"

Damnit.

Though it did prove my theory that Kiba can't read.

- 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 -

"Aniki!"

If the door opening didn't wake me up, which it did, Naruto screaming voice definitely did. The exuberant blonde, as he tends to do, completely ignored the Hokage's orders and yanked the Tiger mask off my face so he could see me eye to eye when he started yelling.

"What the hell! Jiji told me what happened! What were you thinking?!" Naruto ranted for a bit longer, but I missed most of since he broke down in sobs against my chest.

My still extremely bruised and pained chest.

"Get. Off." I finally wheezed out in frustration. "And get this thing off my neck." I would have taken the damn thing off myself during the Hokage's visit, but the straps were tied under the bed where my arms couldn't reach and the old man just laughed it off when I asked.

Sadistic old geezer.

He gave me the hugest puppy dog eyes in the world when I could finally look at him, complete with sparkling wet tears gathering in his eyes. "Are you okay aniki?" He finally asked softly, finding whatever it might be he searched for in my eyes.

I scoffed lightly with a fond smile. "You think something like getting kidnapped by a hostile village would get me down? Tch. You know me better than that kohai."

"Jiji said it was really bad." Naruto said while staring at the floor sadly. "He said you should have died long before you made it back. He... Jiji... Did you really kill a bunch of Sound ninja?" The blonde asked, a complete lack of understanding in his voice after finding out I killed some people.

Mutant, Mohawk, Mullet, and Goldielocks flashed through my head in rapid succession forcing me to close my eyes as I tried to think of a way to answer the blonde's unspoken question. "Naruto-kohai. Did my clone tell you the greatest failure of a true master of the blade?" I asked quietly after a few minutes finally opening my eyes to meet Naruto's confused stare.

He nodded, looking down again. "A warrior has failed when the blade of life becomes the blade of death." He said in, what I hoped, was a paraphrase.

I nodded anyway, looking away again. "There is no exception to that rule, but just like you can't always know what the weather will be when you open your door, nor can you know everything you need to."

I am SAGE-man!

He cocked his head to the side, a lack of understanding in his eyes so I expanded on my explanation. "Take the man I first had to kill. I was trapped completely in a room with him. He had a Curse Seal just like Sasuke. Those things have something called 'Level Two' that can be activated." I explained softly, letting visualize the situation as I know he's a visual learner. "When they activate level two, their strength, speed, and chakra is increased two, three, or even five times. Worse still, they heal faster in that state then you ever have. Fatal wounds will heal over in minutes or even seconds. The majority of them even become little better than rabid dogs. If the first man I killed managed to activate the second level of his seal, he would have quite literally torn me limb from limb."

Naruto nodded, but I could see a slight dimming of his eyes.

I think three weeks is long enough to put it off, but Kami help this world if Naruto doesn't keep his determination through what I planned to say next.

I wonder what old monkey tastes like boiled in oil.

"Kohai. Little bro. Do you know why I've been so adamant since the end of the preliminaries that you are the strongest genin in the village?" I ask carefully, knowing this could go very badly if I didn't handle it right.

"No..."

"It has nothing to do with your tenant and nothing to do with your genes. The reason you will go so far has to do with who you ARE. Despite nearly becoming a chunin, you still honor your OWN code and no-one else's. I... wish I am strong enough to do that. I'm not as strong as you are. Not yet at least."

He looked ready to disagree, but I held up my hand and gave him a smile. "Naruto. I told you and Tenten I would not, COULD not be your sensei for a reason. I know Bushido here." I touched my head. "But I'm not strong enough, not even in some aspects WILLING enough to see it here." I touched my heart.

"The reason I KNOW you're so strong is because I've barely started upon the road to a level of inner-strength you already have. My first instinct is to silence any and all opposition NOW because I have a Heart of Stone. YOU burn with the Will of Fire."

"But... But why? Why don't you?" He asked, obviously used to these conversations if his lack of bouncing around the room is any indication. I should really buy my clone a gift basket or something.

I snorted and closed my eyes, lying back with an amused smirk. "Because I'm an asshole. Your current skill set is that of a ninja with the heart of a samurai. My current skill set is that if a samurai with the heart of a ninja."

"Oh."

"Aniki?" He asked, something in his tone I couldn't read.

"Yeah?"

"What's going on between you and Tenten?"

I sighed. Going right for the hard question huh? "Nothing?"

"N-Nothing," he asked, a little nervous sounding.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, frowning at the nervous look on his face. "Kohai. Bro. You know about me. You know where I'm from. You know I have to go back. No to mention she's like... seven?... years younger than me." I closed my eyes again and banged my head once on the hospital bed. "So no, whether she brings something out in me I am so sure died all those months ago, there is not and probably will never be anything between me and Tenten. I... I just... I have to get back to her Naruto."

Tears gathered in my eyes as I looked at the picture of my little girl in my mind. I tried to make Naruto understand even as I explained. "She... I can't leave her again Naruto. She's everything to me. My air. My life. My angel." Tears ran freely down my face now even as I smiled at the memory, one of the happiest days of my life, just making brownies with my baby girl. "I miss her so much little bro." I gasped out even as I continued to smile. "God do I love her Naruto..."

SLAM.

Shit.

"Tenten was behind me, wasn't she?" I asked calmly a few minutes later, despite the tears still running down my cheeks.

"Uh... Yeah. Jiji... Jiji told her and her dad about you... and she..."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

"Damnit."

"Yeah."

FML.

- 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 - 5 -


	6. Pranking a Yokai

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Sakura would have died already.

- 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 -

"You're an asshole."

"I know." Why couldn't the old man actually, you know, do as I asked and NOT tell anybody that I didn't exactly come from around here.

"I heard all of that you know." Mouse said in an accusatory tone, having entered the room after Tenten unprepared flight while I sent Naruto to check on her. I did warn the squirt that the fiery weapons user would probably go all tsundere on him if he wasn't careful though, I might be a bastard but I'm not heartless. Since the blonde knucklehead openly shuddered and glared at me for the comment, I'm guessing my clone said something to him about his 'relationship' with Sakura.

I wonder if my clone mentioned his fangirl... err... stalker... err... I got nothin. Hinata fills both of those categories admirably. The only way he'll ever hook up with that girl is if she gets a MASSIVE dose of self-confidence first.

That or somebody slips her an aphrodisiac, gets her drunk, and then drops her in Naruto's lap.

Hmm... Not a bad idea.

"I'm waiting." Ayame said plainly before yanking the morphine drip from the top of my hand roughly. Subtle. Really.

Let's see... Should I give my usual response, or actually be up front. Considering how many opportunities she'll have to poison me when Naruto drags me to Ichiraku's, I decide to go with the latter option. "Is my pouch here?"

"Tch. Why would I tell you?" Great. Even AYAME is a frigging tsundere. Gotta love supercharged and righteous feminine fury.

I sigh. Loudly. "Just open the damn thing and look at the scroll in the bottom." I snap at the openly hostile girl, meeting her annoyance with my own considerably greater level.

There's some rustling near the wall, but I don't bother looking since I know what she'll find.

"W-what's this...?" She finally asks, already knowing the answer if I don't miss my guess.

"What do you THINK it is?" I ask with more than a little vitriol in my voice. "THAT," Note the sarcasm lace with no small amount of frustration as I keep my eyes closed and growl, "is my daughter."

"Oh." What else could she say? "She's beautiful."

"Thank you." I said softly, though she really didn't need to tell ME that, of ALL people. That little blonde haired girl is the single most beautiful thing to have ever been created in all of existence. Ever.

"Is this...?"

"Yes."

"So you weren't...?"

"No."

"Oh. Damn."

Silence.

"You're still an asshole." She finally said, though with much less anger than when she first entered the room.

"And you are JUST now figuring this out? I've known that for YEARS."

"Will you tell her?" she asked, gently replacing a new needle in my other hand after replacing the I.V. bag.

"I doubt it." I said with a sigh, pinching the bridge of my... Kiba's nose.

"Why?"

"Because I just want to go home. I haven't seen my baby girl in over six months. I should have woken up to finally go home, but instead I woke up HERE." I stated bitterly.

"Her mother?" Ayame asked, opening a can of worms I'd managed to keep firmly sealed.

No. No no no no no…

A VERY dark look crossed my face. "Dead." I said in an equally dark voice, barely keeping a lid on the anger and frustration that topic brought up. Unconsciously, I rubbed my left ring-finger where a ring once sat for the best four years of my life.

"Oh. What... What happened?"

I didn't reply. It is none of her damn business.

She waited for a good five minutes before leaving in a huff.

I didn't friggin care.

- 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 -

Blood.

Blood spread from one end of the kitchen to the other and my wife...

She...

No. No no no no no.

Not this nightmare again. Not now. Not tonight.

I can't take it again.

"C-Chu-c-ck..." A weak voice voice calls out to me from the red-drenched shadows. "Our girl. H-He's after our litt-tle girl." Her last words. I knew. I remembered.

I couldn't forget.

I bolted upright and puked.

Three days till the Finals and I'm still stuck in this damn bed.

Stuck in the bed now covered in puke.

I gotta get out of here.

"Fuck it." I mutter once I get my breathing back under control. "I'm out of here."

Mouse had taken off the morphine drip the day after Tenten's failed visit and over the last couple of days I'd managed longer and longer periods of lucidity until the point where I remained awake almost all day yesterday.

I can now read, and write, one through ten in kanji.

It only took me eight hours to get down. Whooptie friggin do.

I wished there was a primer of some sort available in English, but since the Sandaime is apparently the only one who reads English and I can't even friggin SPEAK it even though I WRITE in the damn language, I'm sort of at an impasse.

I wrapped the puke covered blanket up and tossed it to the corner before swinging my legs over the side of the bed and standing rather on rather wobbly and rubbery legs. Being on a liquid and soft food diet for a few days didn't really do much for getting my body back into peak condition, puking everywhere helped a lot less.

The door opened behind me while I finished strapping on the dark blue clothes I'd tricked Naruto into smuggling in. Great. There goes my daring escape.

"Good morning Gary-kun." The old man's voice called out cheerfully as a detected a whiff of tea in the air. Lavender if I miss my guess. I've definitely been observed since my arrival here. That or someone noticed a distinct reduction in the size of Naruto's lavender from the herb garden hanging outside his window. "I thought I would stop by this morning to see how your recovery is coming along."

I just gave him a sleep filled glare through the eyes of the ANBU mask placed once more on my face. I'm beginning to like the feel of the sticky little hunk of acrylic. Acrylic... porcelain maybe? Definitely porcelain.

Not sure how I feel about having a dome shaped toilet with holes glued to my face, much less how I feel about the burgeoning preference for said mask over seeing Kiba's face in the reflective window across the room.

He ignored my comment while causally using an earth jutsu to summon up a small table with a couple of chairs. "Join me for breakfast." It wasn't a request.

Ugh.

I need a cigarette.

I sunk down on the surprisingly comfortable stone and dirt chair. Ichiraku's in a to-go cup. The old coot really has a sense of humor, but I'm not about to turn down the first solid food since the blood drenched ration bars I'd eaten over the course of my flight here. Wonder if she spit in mine since the waitress-ANBU was SO kind as to put different names on both cups despite both being miso.

However, the phrase who do I have to kill around here to get some hashbrowns and bacon does run through my head. Knowing the old coot's sense of humor though, if I voiced the thought he'd probably give me a list.

"I suppose..." He started slowly, measuring his words which immediately sent alarm bells going off in my head. His voice still amused me because even when watching the anime it sounded like some off-kilter mix of one of the leads from the Planet of the Apes and one of the living anti-smoking campaign adds living in the nursing home while smoking through the hole in his trachea. "I suppose you're wondering when you can get out of here."

"Actually," I reply causally after slurping up a half-cooked egg. Ayame must still be pissed at me for the fangirl comments, "my first thought this morning was wondering if you could murder the same man twice."

He let out a good long chortle at that, a ramen noodle hanging off his goatee the whole time. No wonder Naruto has atrocious manners. The Hokage could give a two year old with their first 'very own' birthday cake a run for their money on his crappy eating habits.

Considering the company I kept for nearly half a year before showing up here, it didn't bother me as much as it might have.

"And who would you visit sure retribution upon?" He asked with amusement, cackling slightly like... yeah. I got nothin. He looks and sounds like a damn monkey when he cackles. I wonder if clan got that contract by one of the old man's ancestors seducing Enma the Monkey King at some point.

Eww.

"Nobody here, don't worry." I say with an airy wave of my chopsticks for emphasis while trying to banish the disturbing images that just ran through my mind. I need some Mind Bleach now. "Just... just somebody from my past."

"This has something to do with... Annie..?... was it?" The kage asked conversationally. Considering how savvy I know the man is supposed to be, his dig for information is about as subtle as a kunai to the face.

I spat out the ash in my mouth. I'm not really hungry after all. "Please don't ask that question, Hokage-sama." I whisper morosely with a stone face, able to keep my surging rage from my face if not my voice.

"Ah. I apologize of course." He said with a gentle, understanding smile.

I just looked away, before giving up and moving to sit on the bed with my back to the old man. The smell of food made my earlier nausea build back up and I needed to get away from it. Snot started to gather in my nostrils and liquid pain dripped from in my eyes. I haven't been this damned bad since waking up in that shitty assed jail cell. Kami this body has no emotional control.

Completely. I am SO blaming Kiba for this.

"He's still alive you know." I whispered, trying to convey with the subject, if not the words just how much the kage's question pained me. "The man who killed Biwako."

The air in the room became supercharged with enough pressure to make a diamond from a corpse for a split second, telling me the Hokage understood exactly what I meant. "He's the true leader behind the Akatsuki and the one who ripped the Kyuubi from Naruto-kohai's mom."

Another blast. Touchy subject.

Nosey old bat friggin deserved it.

"I see." He stated in monotone. "This... Pain was it?"

"Just a dupe." I said with a sigh, happy to shift the topic to easier subjects. "No..." I tried to think up a way to put it gently, but hey. I'm an asshole. "That rather dubious and glorified _honor_," note the sarcasm, "goes to a man going by the name Tobi and claiming to be Uchiha Madara, his dead mentor. You might recall his assistance in both instigating, pursuing, and ultimately putting down the Uchiha Massacre."

"And who is this... man." The kage growled, his emotions finally cracking through his stoney exterior. The missing word dead in his sentence easily heard.

"The man trying to trick one of the last Uzumaki's into killing the other you mean? Think about it by way of Senju, Uzumaki, and Uchiha. What supposedly dead man, boy at the time of his so-called death, would choose the name Tobi?"

He gasped, trying if I were to guess to refute the words coming from my mouth.

"Obito."

"You win. Congratulations. Have a cookie."

- 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 -

The old man and Mouse finally cleared me to leave that afternoon, but the old monkey didn't offer to take back the mask. I found myself oddly grateful, but tried to hide the fact. Never give a ninja leverage.

Either I used a permanent henge until the supposed Invasion started, or I kept the mask on.

I chose the mask.

Since I returned Monkey's borrowed ninjato to the Hokage and knowing what would be coming in three days' time, my first stop after getting refunded the money I got robbed by the Sandaime (might have used a tinsey tiny bit of blackmail about the Inuzuka Clan Heir getting kidnapped right out if the village) is a weapons shop.

The only one I know of is Tenten's, but mask or not I'm not going there, so I ended up wandering for an hour or two before coming across one that looked semi-decent. The old man behind the counter grunted at me in some sort of greeting the bell rang, but didn't even bother looking up from his paperwork. I guess ANBU visitors in search of replacement weapons are just that common of an occurrence.

Thirty minutes later I growled and tossed another piece of shit blade back on its display rack. Half the man's inventory weren't even STRAIGHT for crying out loud.

"Problem?" The pudgy old shopkeeper asked, taking a deep drag of the cigarette hanging from his swollen red lips.

"Do you have ANY decent weapons?" I grunted out angrily.

He just shrugged and re-opened his newspaper. I swear I saw the jaws jiggle on the lazy pudgy faced merchant, but the sweat stained worthless excuse for a human never actually vocalized a response.

What made the situation even more frustrating is I'm not sure I even WANT to purchase live blades. I trust Kiba's body enough by now to wield them, but...

How many more lives will end by my justice?

Huh. Maybe I'm NOT a closet sociopath. Who knew?

I pointedly didn't think about being influenced by Kiba's more Naruto-like nature. Despite just thinking about it. Argh. Damn it.

I gave up after another few minutes of searching. These blades were manufactured with the thought 'Bud-K' special. The last ninjato looked like I could break it with a silver butter knife. Heck, maybe even a plastic spork.

Checking the sun, it looked to be around three or four o'clock, so I wasn't completely worried about time. At first. Six o'clock and twelve more worthless shops passed by already so I finally gave up and threw up a henge before going to Tenten and Genma's shop. Hormones, libido, and whatever else my brain keeps thinking on its own be-damned, I needed weapons. Real ones, not cheap knock offs that probably got a few too many ninja killed on missions.

Grunting, I summoned up my chakra before arriving and sent off a shadow clone to let the Hokage know the shitty state of the weapons most of his merchants were selling. Might save lives, and apparently I find myself starting to give a shit about this village.

I blame Naruto.

However, my newfound... patriotism for the shitty-assed village that made Naruto's life hell, paired with the fact that I wasn't exactly the patriot type compounded by the fact that despite every place I checked in the damn village I'm STILL going to have to deal with Tenten put me in a rather crappy mood. That doesn't even BEGIN to address the soul wrenching pain that erupted in my chest whenever I thought about my daughter, my dead wife, my never to be..., the return of my damn nightmares, and the fact that the Hokage kept changing the damn subject when I asked about going home until the old man finally told me it needed to wait until after the chunin exams.

All of this is reflected plainly by the fact that my henge looked like a ticked off Riddick with more anger management issues than he's normally known for. Complete with freaky eyes and sunglass-like goggles.

Strange because my shitty assed eyes still can only see what the currently absent Tiger-mask let me see and I've never pulled off glasses before. Maybe I'm finally getting a handle on my chakra.

Speaking of goggles... I feel like I'm forgetting something...

My hand shot up and grabbed the damned bell before it could even ding when I entered Tenten's shop. I know where the swords are and I don't particularly want help at the moment. Especially from a honey-chocolate eyed young woman that seemed to throw my self-control for a damned loop every time I talked to her.

I also knew which daisho pair I intended to buy.

The duo of blades would set me back a cool twenty five thousand ryo, but I know they will be worth it. I tested both blades extensively when Tenten dumped the shop on me for three hours and I can honestly say I have never in my life held such beautiful implements of sleek destructive power. The pure sleek and polished onyx chakra-conductive blades also fit my current mood perfectly.

Dark.

I stuck them on my hip with chakra before hitting the bin where Genma kept his boken and picked up the metal tipped bo staff that the Hokage mentioned when he described the impromptu training session my clone gave to the shop. The foot length of steel near the tip actually let the whole thing transform into a switch blade naginata with a sharp twist.

When I tested it on one of the training posts for sale, the seriously OP weapon sunk the springing blade straight through the hardened wood like butter. It will do.

"Ayame told me. About your daughter."

My... Oh I don't need this shit right now.

How did she even know its friggin ME damnit.

I just ignored her. For all I know the girl is talking to the fat guy in the corner that's probably about to cut his whale-ish hand off with that tessen. Battle fans. One toy I have no intentions of ever playing with.

Why would I want to? I can already fly without them.

On a whim, and to give my hands something to do besides facepalm, I went ahead and picked up another set of boken. I'll need them anyway to train with Naruto and... Ugh. ... Tenten...

"I'm sorry."

Then I made the most monumental and irrevocable screw up I've done yet since waking up in this shitty assed Kami-forsaken world.

I turned to look at her.

Shit.

- 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 -

Do you know what it's like? Can you picture it in your mind?

Do you have any idea what it's like to feel like you're abandoning every memory and every special moment you've ever held dear?

If Hope is my Angel, my Love, my only true RIGHT thing I've ever really done in my life, Annie was my heart. My SOUL. My best friend and the completely and unquestioningly better half... no... better everything than I ever was or could be.

I am a sarcastic, apathetic, uncaring asshole. I always have been and I probably always will be despite how I act on the outside for others. Most of the time. Part of the time. Well... before coming here anyway.

For Annie.

Even as a pair of dumb as rocks kids ready to take on the world after graduating high school Annie always kept me grounded. Think Hinata, only gentler, stronger, and much more confident. My wife was absolutely no push over. Then came Hope. We were so happy. For the first time in my life I felt like I truly accomplished something. Holding my baby girl in my arms even as Annie cracked a joke about being a softy was... IS the best moment of my entire life.

Then they were both ripped from me six months ago.

Now, living in this traitorous skin of a character from a story I always thought of as the useless, semi-retarded comic relief I'm thinking things... FEELING things I've never felt or thought of except for Annie.

My ripped out heart. My dead, tired, and angry soul. And now she's gone and I don't even know myself anymore.

She... No... You don't know. You can't.

I've spent the last seven years trying to be a MAN worthy of her. I went to jail with a smile on my face for her. I went head to head with the best damn prosecuting lawyer in Texas after brutally dismembering the son of the Attorney General for HER.

So no. You don't know. You can't.

Hell. I can't.

Yet when I turned around and saw Tenten's melancholy expression filled with uncertainty and confusion, baggy honey chocolate and watering eyes missing something so profound and important, the lost hopeful expression that should never be on such a beautiful face...

I ran.

I just threw my whole damn wallet at her and ran out of the store.

She doesn't know what she's asking of me. She doesn't know what she's doing to me. She doesn't know how much it hurts.

She's just a child.

Three months and three weeks. Three months and three weeks I've managed to keep the nightmares at bay. Ignored the pain. Ignored the hollow emptiness that my world became in the damp, disgusting jail-cell as I raged at the world for days after being locked up with all intention of having the key forgotten. Only a crotchety old man that didn't even need that damn cane even bothered speaking to me in that hell hole.

Only from his undesired advice, given to quote 'so you'll stop moping like a damn worthless piece of shit and keeping me up all night', did I keep my burning heart and guilt stricken soul locked behind a vice of steel by focusing on ONE thing.

My angel.

My Hope.

She needs me. She's all alone.

But with one callous, heartless question Ayame managed to rip the flimsy walls from my grief with all the tact of Naruto in a den of nobles.

"Her mother?" Ayame's voice echoed in my ears again even as I ran to the point of exhaustion. "Oh. What... What happened?"

I failed.

That's what bloody happened you insensitive witch. Loving husband and father, college student, geek, and whimsical martial artist and I couldn't even protect the only two things I gave a damn about in the entire shitty assed world.

I passed out somewhere along the outskirts of the village after massacring a few dozen trees. Chakra definitely gives oomph to swings and I sliced through the damn things like butter with my katana. In the end I took up one of the boken and started channeling my chakra through it instead.

The blade was too easy.

Like sensei always said, that which is made to destroy will always be easier than that made to protect.

I finally passed out with my muscles burning and my chakra coils drained sometime past midnight, only barely remembering to pull the Tiger mask on when my transformation finally gave out.

I didn't even hear or feel the eight foot thick tree crash to the ground beside me.

- 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 -

She smiled that little coy, knowing smile that's driven me nuts since we were fifteen. Amusement with a hint of lust, love, and a hint of something only someone who's truly loved as a man loves his wife could ever understand.

"Haaaappyy Father's Day..." She whispered seductively, pulling herself over me and straddling my stomach as she leaned in to kiss my my forehead, my nose, and finally my lips. I could still feel the teasing, seductive smile on her face even as our lips locked and our tongues waged the only war on any planet with two winners.

She finally broke the kiss and our foreheads met as we just stared at one another for a few moments, her entire soul bared for me and me alone as her twinkling amethyst eyes met my own. They sparkled with amusement as she knew exactly what her body is doing to me. She languidly stretched back and forth like a cat, rubbing out groins together through my blanket while I released a blissful groan.

She kissed me again, slower, hungrier.

"Annie..." I breathed out. Her name like a quiet prayer across my tongue as my hands moved up and down the soft curves I touched so many times before and want to touch so many times again. "I love you." I watched her eyes, her heaving chest, her small small smile as the pleasurable feeling of our slow motions finally awakening her own lusts.

She turned her head slightly and kissed down my jaw. "I love you." She breathed out into my ear. Goosebumps rose along my skin from her steamy breath and I shivered in pleasure. My eyes rolled back slightly as she sucked and bit softly just under my ear and my roaming hands clenched on her bare hips as I rubbed against the blanket strongly, my own heated desire rubbing against hers through the thin comforter.

We made love then.

She slipped under the blanket and we reaffirmed our love with grunted whispers, groans, and her screams muffled into my pillow or shoulder as Hope slept on peacefully in the next room of our small apartment. Our lovemaking is no less impassioned for how quiet and careful we were.

I'm as addicted to her beauty and smile as Naruto is to ramen. No matter how many times, how often, or how long, it's never enough.

It never will be.

As I turned lucid I knew it never would be again.

I felt my heart breaking even as I tried to think of something to say to her. To tell her. To ask her.

"Annie..." I miss you so much.

She just smiled and put a hand over my mouth. That beautiful smile where I could see her entire soul giggling in amusement, joy, and love through her eyes.

I'm so sorry.

Forgive me.

- 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 -

Consciousness slowly returned in the morning dawn, the Naruto-verse's version of mockingbirds chirruping happily as they called to one another and cheered to give welcome to the rising sun of a new day.

"Any day you are awake and alive is a good day." An old, crotchety voice echoed in my mind. "God does not ever give you more than you can handle. He knows what He's doing, even if YOU don't!" "Stop weeping over what you have lost little sissy boy! Rejoice what you HAVE!"

"Screw you sensei." I muttered, grateful for the mask on my faces as tears streamed down my face, though I remained thankfully alone in my grief. "Screw you."

"God." I choked out, my eyes searching the bright blue sky above. "I can't. Oh Kami I can't handle this. It hurts so much." No answer came from the Heavens above. Answers never did, only life.

I probably made a pretty funny (or pathetic) sight that morning. Here's a guy clad in full ANBU regalia, complete with snazzy cloak, Tiger mask, and chunin flak jacket bawling his damn eyes eyes out with huge heaving sobs while surrounded by a swath of destroyed trees, rocks, and a couple of poor helpless woodland creatures for a quarter mile in any given direction. That's not even mentioning the mess my dream left that I have to clean off of my pants AGAIN.

What a loser.

My stomach's groan echoed slightly across the clearing as I lifted the mask to wipe the morning's dew from my face. Figuring I put it off long enough, I eventually lifted my head to look up and figure out just where the hell I ended up in my flight the night before.

The last tree that fell from my impassioned slices revealed a beautiful clearing filled with flowers, pots, and a rusted, overgrown small metal swing set. The ring of trees grown almost on top of one another around the now opened interior hid the building before me from view last night. Though I took note of the overgrown swing-set, my eyes remained locked on the dilapidated building in the center of the newly revealed clearing.

Something I knew I'd never seen in the anime or manga.

Though, admittedly, it's been four months since I've seen either.

The thing that held my focus is proudly displayed on the semi-collapsed porch as clan insignias here in Konoha generally are. The Uzumaki swirl, the proud clan symbol clearly was once stained in bleach white, but after a dozen years it now stood molded and gray.

I grunted.

After staring blankly at the building for a solid twenty minutes I finally summoned a shadow clone. "Get Naruto. I don't care what he's doing or what he wants to do, get him HERE." My stomach chose that moment to groan loudly again. "And get me some ration bars from the apartment." He neared the path back to the village before a thought struck me. "AND GET HIS PRESENT!" I called. The masked ANBU nearly fifty yards away turned back before nodding sharply and vanishing in a swirl of leaves.

Hold the phone. I don't know shun... Huh. Maybe I do.

Weird.

Did I UNCONSCIOUSLY get the memories from my clone?

How… annoying.

I leaned back and let my head thump against the tree a number of times as I tried to get my raging emotions under control before my clone gets back with Naruto. The squirt would probably need my support if this is the house I think it is.

I shifted to a meditative position and worked on controlling my breathing as I pulled my goals back into focus. It took three or even four times longer than it normally did before I woke up here, but I finally managed to center myself.

My daughter. My baby girl. My angel. Breath in. My life. My family. Breath out. My daughter. My baby girl. My angel. Breath in. Naruto. The village. My... friends. Breathe out. Kanji. Kendo. Fuinjutsu. Breathe in.

I continued in that manner for nearly an hour till Naruto and my clone showed up... with Tenten, Snarky, and Gaara?

WTF?

Error. Does not compute.

Really?

Is my luck REALLY this bad?

My clone gave me a sorrowful look as it disbursed after dumping Naruto's pack in my hands. I waited for the memories to return and explain how the hell Gaara, Tenten, and Akamaru ended up here.

And waited.

And waited.

What the hell?

Thinking about it, I never got the memories back from the clone I sent off to the Sandaime last night either.

Wonderful. I was rather looking forward to getting my chakra high enough and becoming a master of the shadow clone like Kakashi and Itachi. Oh! Oh! you just spent an hour trying to cut me down and POOF! I'm gone like I was never there. I had plans drawn up for a side-nickname called Kage for more subtle missions and everything.

It had drawings too. And a flow-chart. Not really. If you believe my laziness would allow that, I have a golden bridge to sell you and some prime real estate in the bog-lands.

I didn't bother trying to hide the walking armory glued across my body with chakra as I rose to my feet. Tenten obviously already saw it all. My slightly emptier wallet slammed into my mask, though she didn't speak a word.

Good.

Since I'm barely keeping it together at the moment, meditation or no.

"So... what's up Ani... err... Tiger-kun?" Naruto asked as a few moments of rocking back and forth on his feet in the uncomfortable silence. I blinked. He's definitely improved on his emotional control and logic in the last few weeks. The knucklehead I met upon arrival wouldn't have even thought about correcting himself.

I turned to look at Naruto and couldn't help the fond smile that crossed my face. He really is a big kid. "I think I found something that belongs to you little bro." I said, pointing at the run down house across the eight foot wide table I made before falling asleep last night.

Um.

I'm REALLY glad that tree fell the way it did. Hopefully it didn't crush anything important.

Heh. Oops.

"What's... Oh." He trailed off, an awed look on his face.

Bark. 'This brat's really an Uzumaki? Was he the runt of the litter?' Akamaru asked after giving my leg a none to gentle chomp and a growl that promised we'd be talking later.

"If I had to guess," I offered quietly while ignoring the mutated lab rat currently trying to make a painful impression of his annoyance on my shins (gogo barbell weights!), "it was probably built as a gift for your great aunt Mito-sama by the Shodaime, kohai. I would send some shadow clones in first to be sure, but it's probably safe. The man knew trees if nothing else."

Tenten whispered "Mito-dono..." with a questioning look sent my way, her curiosity overriding her anger apparently.

I ignored it stoically, pretending I couldn't see her face through the holes in my mask.

Gaara just... kind of stood there.

Not exactly the life of the party that one.

Naruto sent some clones, the house is sound, but the porch collapsed completely when the first clone touched it to reveal another clan symbol grown right into the wall above the doorway in a similar fashion to the pair of Leaf symbols on either side of the Hokage's office doors along with a nearly perfect paint job. If I were to guess, which I do because I have opinion on EVERYTHING if you haven't noticed, the Shodaime built the original house and either Mito, Kushina, or Minato added the porch later.

"A-Aniki..." Naruto asked quietly as he came closer to me and edged away from Tenten. "Will you...?" Poor kid couldn't ask. I'm impressed he summoned up the courage to ask even that much.

I ruffled his hair a little and dropped my hand on his shoulder. "Of course."

Naruto beamed like a million watt light bulb before cheering loudly and pumping his fist into the air like an idiot. "C'mon Aniki, Ten-chan, Gaara! Let's go see my house!"

"Yatta!" He cheered, grabbing Gaara's arm and mine before literally dragging us towards the old house in the clearing. Gaara just sort of stared in confusion at the hand on his arm as he let Naruto sweep him away. I tried not to bash either one with the five foot staff glued at an angle on my back. Tenten huffed, but followed. I can't see Akamaru, but I'm pretty sure he's coming too.

The house inside is a quaint six bedrooms. Two downstairs with the kitchen and living room and another four upstairs. The Uzumaki swirl, like the Uchiha fans, are _literally_ everywhere. The etched glass wall scones all paint the floors tastefully with a bright white swirl. As opposed to what my memories of the manga and/or anime recall of the gaudy and 'stylish' Hyuuga and Uchiha Compounds, the house seems to practically scream 'understated elegance'. Every wall-sconce looks to be exactly two feet from the next, the thin white-wood sliding doors between rooms melded perfectly into the walls when opened, and the ceiling is neither to low nor to high.

The Shodai could have made a KILLING as an interior designer. Every piece of furniture, grown right out of the floor or wall in most cases, is elegantly carved with a plethora of swirls, waves, and flora. A number of the door frames caught my eyes as having been layered with numerous seals carved right into the bark. It actually detracted from the natural beauty of the place (in my humble opinion) and even Lee would notice that the carved seals weren't grown naturally as the delicate yet sturdy tables, chairs, and benches were.

I'm guessing his clones already cleaned because there isn't a speck of dust in the place and every sconce, lamp, and light fixture is lit and burning cheerily. That or the previous residents are just that damn good with the sealing arts.

The kitchen gave solemn and silent testament to the last hours of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina. Her labor may have been planned, but as any parent can tell you a child comes when he or she wants to, not when you are ready for them. A plethora of half drawn sealing papers littered the dinner table and a bone dry mess that might have once been ramen sat in a pan on the stove. The table, around the papers, was set for two and Naruto stopped and just stared at the sight.

I squeezed his shoulder gently. "They really loved you Naruto. I promise." I whispered, earning a nod but little else.

"This... was your home?" Gaara spoke questioningly, his social graces only now being developed.

"Yeah..." Naruto said, wonder and awe clear in his unusually meek voice.

"Wait. Naruto really IS an Uzumaki?" Tenten asked me quietly, fed up with being ignored.

I couldn't really NOT answer that with Naruto standing right there. "Yeah."

"But... But that means... They said..." Tenten brows furrowed cutely as her button nose scrunched up while her eyes widened with shock.

I put a finger on her lips and tried to beg for her silence with my eyes. "Later. I... I'll explain it later."

She shot me a none too kind glare right back and slashed my hand away with a rather sharp kunai. Where the hell did it COME from? "So this runt's the son of the Red Death? The Hot Blooded Habanero herself?" Her eyes sparkled in excitement at the thought of knowing the son of one of her heroes. My gut clenched at the familiar sight. "She's like... my IDOL!" She buzzed excitedly.

Naruto just slumped, so I pulled the blonde into a hug and have the girl a heated scowl. Kid's dealt with enough shit; he really doesn't need this kind of reminder of the crap he's had to deal with from a village full of idiots.

And they call Naruto the village idiot. Jerks.

Tenten just couldn't leave well enough alone. "Wait, but she only ever... Is he...?" She looked over Naruto in awe before grabbing his jaw rudely and gasping. "He is! Kami alive!"

Naruto just got a puzzled look on his face. "Tenten. Leave it. I'm going to tell him after the chunin exams. NOT before." I didn't bother looking at Tenten as I said this, my head shifted back so I looked Naruto straight in the eyes. I've already let him know a couple of times that I would tell him everything, but only AFTER the chunin exams.

Konoha doesn't need a vengeance seeking semi-unstable jinchurikki with the perfect opportunity to level the village unopposed running around when the village is facing an invasion in a number of days.

And I don't need all the sealing scrolls Pain destroys here in three years burned to a crisp either. I'm going to need those once I get a handle on reading kanji, hiragana, and katakana.

"But if he's..."

"Leave. It." I said sternly, though extremely surprised that of all the people in Konoha, Tenten got it first. Smart girl. "We'll... We'll talk later."

Bark.

I just kicked at Snarky for that. Damn, I knew there is a reason I didn't miss Akamaru. Spry little runt managed to jump out of the way and snapped at my boots.

He's learning. Good dog.

I munched down a couple of cardboard slabs, aka ration bars, while ignoring the taste of ash as we headed towards the first room. The family dojo. Wow. This place is sleek. I could feel the wave of energy as the seals throughout the room activated when the door closed behind Gaara's silent form. No wonder the room looks so pristine.

On the far wall sat a row of items that I REALLY should have expected to be in the room when we realized it was the family dojo. At least two dozen tri-pronged kunai layered the wall in neat rows on either side of a pedestal. After some quick mental math, my first estimation was only off by a few... ish. Sixty-four tri-pronged kunai with sealing tags hanging off of them hung in rows of eight, eight on each side.

Huh. Like the eight PRONGED seal on Naruto's stomach. At least the guy had a sense of humor before he died. That or the man redefined anal retentive. Considering the pristine condition of the kunai and the seals covering EVERY doorway in the house... I'd bet on the second one myself...

"Kami Alive!" Tenten squealed, sounding like she might be seconds from an orgasm. "That's HER blade!"

All eyes fell on the magnificent o-katana lying on a pedestal between the

wall-mounted kunai. I felt... something from the sword and almost spoke to stop him as Naruto reverently lifted the sword with a foot long handle and a blade taller than Naruto himself with two hands. "Okaa-san's o-katana..." He whispered as the weapon lifted free of the stand.

I'm surprised he recognized the difference. Dang. Guess even I underestimate the kid sometimes.

The miasma of doom, anger, and hatred blossomed from Naruto in a heartbeat as both blade and boy were enveloped in the Kyuubi's angry red chakra. Having felt the Sandaime's rage, at least the genjutsu mimic of it, I managed to ignore it completely though both Gaara and Tenten stumbled away. I worried when Gaara's sand started churning in the air around him, but as quickly as the pressure started it vanished.

Yeah. Fine. I'm lying through my gills. I didn't show any reaction because I'd already moved to lean against the side wall like the lazy ass I am as soon as we walked into the room. There was no-where for me to step back to. Happy now? Sheesh, everybody's a critic.

Naruto glued the sheath to his back in amusingly familiar manner and unsheathed the polished crimson sword in one fluid motion. With the dead Aburame's almost-my-prescription built into the Tiger mask, I didn't miss the last foot and a half of the sheath separating just enough to let the sword slide free.

Didn't stop the little squirt from lodging the long curve of the single edged blade right into the ceiling though.

I started chortling, any and all of my normal one-liners completely escaping me for a minute as Naruto stared dumbly at the wood his blade now hung from in confusion.

Queue Gaara instead. "Is attempting to break one's blade in such a manner part of this Ippon-Me you described Uzumaki Naruto?" His rough, unused voice asked in what sounded like honest curiosity. With Gaara, well the reformed and post-sociopathic Gaara, his sense of humor is the apex of subtle.

Naruto made an admirable impression of Hinata as he lit up like a red light bulb while sputtering. "Perhaps you should train with that AFTER the Finals little bro." I threw out with a fond voice. "There's a reason I didn't pick up a live blade until my body could handle it you know." If the little squirt's glare is anything to go by, he'll have that sword with him till the day he dies.

I don't blame him either.

- 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 -

After a couple of long conversations, I eventually got annoyed with the squirt and told him if he really wanted to walk out of the room wielding the blade instead of sealing it away until he could practice with it, he needed to beat me to do it.

Heh.

Then I proceeded to slap him around and call him Sally with a senbon needle that I repeatedly used to slice up his quickly healing nose.

It took some doing, but he finally relented and sealed his mother's sword into a scroll though I recommended he look into getting a thick pair of gloves to seal his weapons in to. I never bothered with my boken simply because wood's cheap. The only keepsake and heirloom of his long dead mother, an irreplaceable legendary sword hailing from a village destroyed over twenty or thirty years ago?

Yeah, go for the gloves.

Nobody's ever managed to give me a straight answer when I ask what happens to things that get sealed if the paper gets wet and ruined. They just shudder and twitch before walking off.

I'm hoping it has something to do with special effect ninjas running around with little packs of dynamite, but I haven't had a chance to find out.

Naruto summoned up some shadow clones to go in search of lunch, and I sent along one of my own to make sure he didn't only come back with ramen, as we headed for the other room on the first floor while laughing when Naruto drop-kicked Akamaru straight through the still open front door The irreverent little white ball of evil hiked his leg to water one of the small trees growing out of the wall.

It had taken most of the morning, but my chest finally started to unclench. I even traded a couple of jokes with Tenten and a joke with Gaara. At least I think it was a joke. I'm hoping it was a joke. I really honestly don't want to know what a grain of sand can do in my intestines.

What's that old phrase…? 'Fake it till you make it!' I think?

I guessed aloud, and Naruto agreed, that the largest room on the first floor is probably the master bedroom where his mother and her husband once lived. Since Naruto didn't exactly put the pieces together based on the Fourth's tri-pronged kunai, I hoped he…

Oh look at that.

The door's open.

When did it get so hot in here?

I'm not going to be faking it.

"You made sure to use every screw right?" a voice echoed from the closet on the left side of the room.

"Aniki? You aren't looking so good."

The bed was made in a soft burnt orange with a single overlarge Uzumaki symbol in honorific red, almost identical to the pair my wife and I had on our own bed. The PAIR we had. God I love that woman. I couldn't fight back the slight smile as a second bedroom overlapped the one we entered only with two blankets instead of one, Annie's quite the cover-hog you know. "Kiba? Hello?"

Is it warm to anyone else? I pulled at the collar of my cloak, finally ripping the annoying fabric entirely as I tried to get some air.

My own voice echoed out from the bathroom on the right, a fond, exasperated undertone deep within it. "Yes dear. I even used the screws that came with the manual."

Annie's voice… Annie… "Are you sure? Because we need to be ready, I've already started Braxton-Hicks and you know how quickly Hope came afterwards."

I saw two rooms layered on top of one another, both with the crib in the same spot just a few feet off the side of the bed. We even hung the welcome home son banners in the same spot. The handful of stuffed animals in the crib, along with a fluffy stuffed fox.

I'm not going to make it.

"Annie…"

"Neh… Who's Annie…? Aniki? Senpai? Talk to ME!"

My laughter echoed from the dark bathroom again, the light shining under the closed door. "I know dear." Fondly. Happily.

I can even smell the lotion she always uses when I remembered to buy it for her from the bath-store.

Midnight Cherry Blossom.

The bag with Naruto's present landed on the ground in a thump, spilling its contents out across the hard cherrywood floor.

Gaara and Tenten didn't stand a chance as I barreled back out of that room and down the hallway. Massively OP sand powers or no, I just moved too fast and too unexpectedly before knocking the Sand jinchurikki flat on his ass. Tenten managed to hop up and stick to the roof, but only because of the split second it took for me to barrel past the now stupefied Sand-nin.

- 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 -

Instead of hearing about another one of my seemingly non-stop breakdowns, let's talk about something else a whole lot funnier.

And awesome.

Definitely awesome.

And funny.

I never did finish telling what happened between Gaara and Naruto, did I? I did manage to weasel the story of what really happened from the blonde haired energizer bunny using all the stealth and interrogation skills a ninja of my awesome caliber is known for at one point during my recuperation. It went something along the lines of… "Hey Naruto, what happened between you and Gaara?" Heh. I am SO T&I material I tell you.

Blink.

YES I'm changing the frigging subject. Deal with it. You don't see me nosing into YOUR intensely homicidal breakdowns over YOUR murdered wife do you?

Tch.

A. N. Y. W. A. Y.

Be prepared to be awed and bedazzled by the bloodiest, most awesome, most completely HILARIOUS beat down Gaara will ever suffer in his life.

My little kohai made me SSSSSOOOO proud when he told me the story. Wipe fake tear. In only a few weeks I turned a little pipsqueak that just spammed shadow clones mindlessly with all the tactics and combat skill of a group full of lemmings to the true level of awesome and macho:

A Kage-Killer.

Heh.

Those of the MALE variety anyway.

So picture the scene…

Naruto carefully led Gaara to one of the abandoned chunin training grounds on the outskirts of the village that has rarely seen use, if any at all, since the night Tobi yanked the Kyuubi out of Naruto's mom in a surgeon's nightmare of a cesarean section birth.

Only when the enraged, frustrated, and heavily insulted red-head arrives in an earth shattering crash to the center of the training grounds, every Naruto clone around the kid vanishes in puffs of smoke.

"UZUMAKI! WHERE ARE YOU!? MOTHER DEMANDS YOUR BLOOD!" the little psycho screamed, laughing maniacally all the way. (Bells on bob tails ring….)

"Tee-hee." A girly, sexy voice giggled from behind the tree nearest to Gaara.

CRUMPT.

Correction, the tree that USED to be nearest to Gaara.

"Ohhh…." The girl's voice called out again from behind the red-head once more. "You're REALLY strong mister…"

CRUMPT.

Wow. A lot of trees die in this story. Poor Mother Nature.

A massive puff of smoke erupted through the entire clearing causing the unstable Sand jinchurikki to take an uncertain step back at the massive flare of chakra he felt from everywhere around him.

Gaara was surrounded!

"Such strong muscles…" "What ELSE can you do with that sand, you bad boy you?" "My, such a small gourd for such a BIG boy…"

Dozens of blonde haired, whisker-faced blonde bombshell supermodels appeared around, above, against, and even under Gaara as the smoke cleared.

"Did you get that tattoo for me?" "Mhmmm… you smell good…" "You feel so good Gaara-sama…"

The Sand-nin froze completely. The girls rubbed all over him and he did nothing to defend himself. Neither did his vaunted sand.

Disturbingly, the kicker that finally launched the red-haired boy back in a geyser of blood at least twenty feet tall (perverted giggle and all) came from one of the more adventurous clones that sauntered right up to Gaara, winked, and then leaned in to whisper in his ear. "You've been such a bad boy Gaara-kun."

Then the Naruto-clone gave his ass a firm slap, the sand armor actually JUMPED out of the way of the incoming hand.

Predictably, Gaara passed out.

"HAHAHAHA! I'M FREEEEE!" a mildly insane voice cheered wildly as Gaara's form became enveloped in a massive fifty foot tall wall of sand that spun together until it formed the huge tanuki named Shukaku. "WHERE ARE THOSE GIRLS!? C'MERE YOU SEXY SEXY GIRLS!"

So intently did Shukaku search the ground for the elusive blonde bombshells he missed Naruto's still flying presence completely as the blonde Hokage-to-be zero'd in on the bump sticking out of the massive chakra beast's head like a needle to a zit.

WHAM!

THAT is the single funniest, most embarrassing fight Gaara will probably EVER be in.

Poor kid lost TONS of man-points that day.

Which lead to the Sandaime cornering Baki, Gaara's sensei and one of the strongest Sand jonin, along with a number of the other high ranking Sand-nins with a few explanations they found enlightening about the upcoming Sand-Sound Invasion.

Or should that be Sand-Leaf Defense?

Maybe Smashed-Sound's Destruction?

- 6 - 6 - 6 - 6 -


	7. Feel the Burn

Disclaimer: I wish I could say I owned Naruto, but then WHY in the world would I be writing FanFiction? I also don't own A Clockwork Orange, Rocky Horror Picture Show, um... and just in case Doctor Who either.

As of now I have finally crossed the 75k barrier in what I've already written for this story. w00t.

We're REALLY going to be deviating from Cannon here soon, and by deviating, I mean Kiba, Chuck, Gary, whatever he wants to call himself is going to be finding out that the Akasuki aren't the ONLY bad guys on the block and the Sandaime meant it when he said that Gary wasn't the first misplaced soul...

- 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 - Feel the Burn!

"You wanna talk about it?"

No. Not really. "She... That room... They were so happy. Ready to welcome their son into the world." We were never happier, except maybe when Hope was born.

"Why... Why do you keep pushing me away?"

I can't. You're just a child. Just a child. "I... I'm not strong enough."

She'd sat silently beside me for nearly an hour before finally speaking. Thankfully quiet after handing me a full canteen to wash out my mouth and cool off my forehead. Her quiet words breaching the silence of the woods behind the shed I ran to before puking out my guts all over Naruto's lawn.

"For what?"

I can't. I can't deal with these thoughts. I can't deal with these feelings, these emotions, these desires. If they are even my own. Are they Kiba's? Are they mine? I don't know. I can't.

I can't deal with "You."

She remained silent, but I could feel how hurt she is. Why do I care? When did she go from a cute side character to flirt with to a real person? I can't do this.

I can't get attached. Every day this world seems more and more real and my own more a memory. How do you hold a memory? How can you sooth away the tears and fears of a memory you can't touch?

I appreciated Naruto's absence. I think the blonde understood. I hoped he understood. That or I left him when he needed me most, finally finding real, tangible proof that he isn't just some nameless, faceless, meaningless orphan. The ratty and old 'Welcome Home Naruto' banner across the crib clearly meant for him.

"She was pregnant." I said looking at the sky as I relived the single most horrible night of my life for probably the hundredth time. "Our son. Hope would have a brother after nearly six years. We were all so excited. So naive..."

Akamaru moved from beside Tenten and gave a small whimper before nuzzling my hand. For the first time since waking up with the dog beside me in this world he said nothing, only offered comfort.

"One month..." I started again after closing my eyes to try and hide from the very memories I told, somehow unable to stop the story now that I started. "We knew he would arrive in under a month. Then... Then..."

I told her everything. What I found. What he did. What I did. The memories I even tried to keep from myself, not just everyone else.

Why it hurts so much.

I broke down then for a second time in as many hours. I can't even remember if I told her the worst of it. The worst of what he did. The worst of what I did.

I flinched and started noticeably when a strong, slender pair of arms wrapped around my own as she hugged me tightly to her shoulder. "I'm still your friend Chuck. I'm still your friend. I can wait." I nodded against her shoulder. I could accept that.

I found I wanted to accept it.

Is it wrong to dream, as long as you don't act on it?

Annie...

- 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 -

I held the Tiger mask back up to put it back on when I heard Gaara and Naruto stomping through the grass in our direction, but decided to throw up a henge instead.

One made to look like myself. Someone I've avoided for a while now. I don't hate this face quite as much as I did just yesterday. Talking with Tenten... helped. It really did. The news media, lawyers, jury, and pretty much everyone else back home knows what I did that night. What I became. For the first time, just telling the night in my own words (not my lawyer's) really seemed to... to make a difference I guess.

I wondered why.

Gaara raised an eyebrow at the lack of mask, but gave no other comment.

"Aniki!" Naruto cheered as he bounced up to the shed happily. "My parents were the most awesome people EVER! There's enough ramen in the cabinets to last for months!" Cute kid.

I just snorted, giving the blonde a fond smile and ruffling his hair. At least the kid has his priorities straight if nothing else.

I looked over at Gaara and realized something important now that the weight holding my shoulders down for most of the morning had lifted slightly. "Gaara right?" I asked, giving the other boy a friendly smile (that probably didn't reach my eyes) and offering my hand. "Little bro here's told me a lot about you. I hope we can be great friends." Tenten looked startled and I could tell she remained leery of the red-headed former psychopath, but I knew the guy better. Better probably than he even knew himself. Then again. She sort of has a reason. Her team-mate and friend _might_ have been permanently crippled under the pressure of Gaara's sand. Not to mention Gaara _might_ have attempted to, you know, murder Lee in his sleep and all. Such a simple thing to hold a grudge over, honestly.

The socially stunted boy stared at my hand in a complete lack of understanding until I reached forward and lifted his, squeezing slightly and continuing to smile.

"Friend...?" he whispered almost fearfully with wide, uncomprehending eyes. "You... You want to... to be my friend?"

"Sure. Why not? You're a friend of Naruto right?" I asked him, smiling as I thought about just how cool Gaara would soon be. "Any friend of Naruto is a friend of mine."

"Heh." I continued. "Just like... Heh. Anybody screws with my little bro and I'll happily slit their throat. I protect what's precious to me." With that statement I gave the kid my best feral grin as my bright blue eyes twinkled with nearly unconfined insanity.

Naruto frowned. Tenten frowned. Akamaru even barked in his disagreement with my cold-blooded statement delivered with such a friendly smile.

Gaara showed his original personality as he gripped my hand tightly, disproving once and for all that Suna's jinchurikki was weak in taijutsu as he matched my insane, feral, macabre smile with his own.

I'm speaking the kid's language.

In a random moment of deus ex machina, an ANBU landed in front of us with hands already on the ninjato on his hip in a flutter of his dark black cloak. "HALT! You are trespassing on restricted grounds by the order of Hokage-sama. You will leave at ONCE!"

I growled when I noticed his entire posture focused entirely on Naruto's now slumping form. Oh HELL no. "Stand down Wolf." I ordered, my hand on the katana hanging from my hip. I placed the Tiger mask back on my face before letting my henge drop to reveal the ANBU regalia I wore.

"Imposter!" He shouted, still focused on Naruto. "Tiger-taicho is DEAD."

"Regardless. I am here with permission of Hokage-sama." I stated, calm settling over me as I debated whether the man in front of me will die shortly. "And to correct your misconception, it is YOU who are trespassing on these grounds." Some of Kiba's knowledge on clan benefits coming to the forefront of my mind. "ANBU may only inspect registered Clan Grounds with written permission of the current Clan Head or in case of an investigation. Are you here for an investigation Wolf-san?"

Gotta love perks.

"Tch. These grounds have been under the protection of Hokage-sama since Uzumaki-sama's death." He said dismissively.

"You may confirm this with Hokage-sama yourself," I started, reaching the end of my already limited patience as I stepped up to the masked ninja,"or you may take my word for it however there IS a current Uzumaki Clan Head."

"Who? I haven't heard of any Uzumaki's in the village." He asked excitedly, a hopeful tone in his voice. "Did they find a survivor?"

I nodded towards Naruto with my head, noticing he never removed the suspicious, hateful glare from MY little brother. "As a legal adult by virtue of becoming a registered shinobi of the Leaf Village, U-Z-M-A-K-I Naruto is now the legal Clan Hea..."

He yelled as he cut me off. "BULLSHIT! No way is this... BOY in any way related to Kushina-sama!"

"Go look for yourself!" I snapped shortly. "She even had a damn banner waiting for her SON to get home!"

"Bullshit! That demo..." My eyes caught his hand tightening on his sheaths blade as he took a step towards Naruto.

I saw metal.

Tink.

Schtick.

Clink.

Thump.

Didn't I mention previously I was a fan of Kenshin? Iaido is a heavy factor in Hiten Mitsurugi-ryu, though referred to as battojutsu in the series. Kushina's sheath isn't the only one with a cut along the top-edge to ensure ease of quick-draw.

I glared down coldly at the head lying on the ground coldly as the man's eyes shifted back and forth wildly behind his mask. "You intended to release an S Class Secret in front of a foreign shinobi and an unapproved genin," I told the head lying on the ground in a voice carved from granite ice while blood bubbled from the still standing body. "Your punishment is death. Administered immediately." The headless body sprayed a crimson fountain on me as it collapsed to the ground.

I turned back to my companions to see a calm, emotionless face and two teens staring at me in horror and betrayal.

Naruto's head started shaking from side to side as his eyes panned from me to the dead ANBU.

"Why..." The kid asked mournfully, his eyes locked on the dead ANBU's head. "How... How COULD YOU?! HE WA

Pause scene.

Holy Shit. He's using the guilt-trip-no-jutsu on ME! ME! Really? After all the crap I've done for him? The things I've gone through for him? He's going to use that on me just because I removed a useless waste of space?

If the dumbass even DESERVED to be ANBU, or even IS... er... WAS ANBU he would have blocked my slow-assed slice before it even connected with his throat.

He already at his ninjato drawn half an inch for crying out loud.

Unpause.

S A COMRADE!"

"Naruto."

Tenten mimicked my earlier actions by retreating behind the shed to dump her breakfast.

"YOU told me what it means to betray your comrades Aniki! YOU did!" The blonde raged, ignoring Akamaru's whimper from the high volume.

"Kohai."

"Kakashi-sensei's rule! You said it was wrong! You said it wasn't finished!"

"Bro."

"Those who BETRAY their comrades are the scum of the ninja world and should be put down like rabid dogs! That's what YOU..."

"NARUTO!" I finally screamed in his face as I ripped the bloodied mask off and looked him in the eye. "Listen to me brat!"

He froze, a look of complete and absolute betrayal on his face as I yelled at him for the first time since waking up in this damned world. "Good. Do I have your attention now? Or do you want to tell me some more what kind of monster I am?" I questioned him with a fierce glare, pausing to wait for his answer.

He looked away. I wasn't about to let him. "LOOK. LOOK at him. What was he? He was a damn ANBU!" I turned Naruto to look at a pale Tenten as she leaned against the shed and huddled her arms to her chest, eyes anywhere but the man I just seemingly killed in cold blood. "Now look at her."

"TENTEN!" I called with a semi-feral snarl. Her wounded and uncertain chocolate orbs snapped up to meet mine own granite carved pair immediately, though I could tell she only wanted to look away. Fine, judge me bitch, but answer the damn question. "If you seal a kunai into a scroll, does the scroll become a kunai?"

"N-No." She said hoarsely.

Gaara continued to watch everything passively, though his eyes widened almost imperceptibly after my last question.

"What is the punishment for breaching an S Ranked Secret of the Leaf Village?" I demanded from the girl, my question more of a command than a request.

"D-Death..." She choked out, squeezing her arms at little tighter and shivering slightly.

"What is the punishment for trespassing on Clan Restricted Grounds without permission during a time of war?"

She blinked before paling a little more. "Death."

"What is the punishment for attempted murder of a Clan Head?"

She met Naruto's confused eyes instead of mine. "Death."

I then asked softer, turning my own eyes away from the questions in hers. "And what is the punishment for attempting to kill a Chunin Exam Participant prior to the completion of the Chunin Exams?"

"Death."

I whispered my last question. "Where is his ninjato?"

Tenten, Gaara, Naruto, and Akamaru turned to see the blade lying on the ground where the former Wolf dropped it.

Drawn. Not sheathed.

"I saved your life imouto." Naruto nodded with wide, scared eyes.

"Do I have your permission as the Uzumaki Clan Head to deal with this disgrace?" Naruto frowned for a long moment before nodding slightly, uncertainty clear in his stance. I'll have to educate him slightly better on the duties and responsibilities of representing one of the foremost clans in the Elemental Nations later, he has NO idea what authority he gave me through that simple head nod but lucky for him I'm not about to take advantage. Considering the former Uzu happened to be a near police-state and the leader of the village was the ONLY Daiymo-Kage to have existed (legally, we're not counting the whole Yagura debacle) in the last fifty years or so... Yeah, Naruto needs some politics training pretty soon.

Without waiting for a response I pulled the mask back on, grabbed the head by the dead man's hair, hefted the body, and left in a shunshin.

Naruto brought them there, he can damn well take them back.

I need to the Hokage. Now. This shit ends today.

- 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 -

I'm not mad at Naruto.

I'm not running from the judgmental beliefs of a couple of children.

I'm not feeling guilty about the looks of betrayal on Naruto and Tenten's faces.

I'm not even worried that the only friends I have in this Kami forsaken joke of a world might think I'm some sort of cold blooded killing monster.

On hell no.

I'm PISSED.

I appeared in front of the Hokage's office in a swirl of leaves before cocking my leg back and kicked the door straight off its hinges with a chakra enhanced side-kick.

The Nara clan head, Shikaku, and the the chief stick-up-his-ass Hiashi turned to look at me in curiosity as I stomped into the office and tossed the blood dripping head across the distance to the old monkey's desk.

Four ANBU landed around me with kunai drawn.

Give the old man credit where credit is due. I could tell his distasteful look came more from the paperwork that needed to be redone than the blood splattering across his desk (and somehow not touching a single thread of fabric on his awesome robes). Hiashi just raised an eyebrow and gave a small frown of disgust. Shikaku just continued to watch me.

"Your ANBU need a hell of a lot better training old man."

"Did Wolf do something to earn your displeasure Tiger-kun?" The old kage asked curiously, the head vanishing when he flicked his wrist slightly.

"He spoke of things he shouldn't. You might not enforce your own damn laws, but I sure as hell will. You might have used the excuse of a weakened village for the last thirteen years to excuse your shinobi's behavior, but it's gone on long enough. This shit ends today." I growled at him, tossing the rest of Wolf's body to random ANBU #1, not bothering to look at his mask.

"And what would you propose we do?" The man asked curiously as he crossed his old withered and blotchy fingers, still serene and unperturbed.

"First off stop getting high on frigging weed and keep your shinobi in line."

"You will not talk so disrespectfully to Hokage-sama!" Random ANBU #2 said loudly before trying to swing at me with his kunai as he charged.

This apparently is the undisciplined ninja code for 'attack,' because all four charged me together, not even bothering with jutsu.

My chakra pulses as I release the chakra weights on my chest, legs, and arms for the first time since buying them three weeks ago (with the exception of my unwilling convalescence under the tender mercies of a ramen chef). Probably would have helped if I'd dropped them in my flight from Oto, but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the time.

If it's a kenjutsu fight they want, I'm just pissed enough to give it to them.

My eyes stayed on the unmoving old man as I grabbed the first man's wildly swinging wrist and slammed his forearm down on my knee loud enough to hear a satisfying crack. I tilted my head to the side and bent my knees slightly to evade a kunai aimed at my neck as I reached back and grabbed the bo staff on my back and thrust it hard into the third ANBU's sternum before finally being forced to break eye contact with the casually interested Hokage.

Side-Note: Random ANBU number three has a REALLY nice rack, I went ahead and gave it a squeeze.

I spun the staff over my head semi-smoothly and dove over the five foot length of wood while planting a steel-booted mule-kick on the last ANBU's groin. Without pausing to give the ANBU time to regroup or reengage, I twisted the still spinning staff around to smash hard enough against #2's temple to send the man to sleepy land.

One down.

The Boar-masked ANBU now on my right started flipping through handseals, so I released the staff and brought the boken on my right hip around hard to slam into the idiot's wrist. Snapped like a twig. I nailed her temple on the backswing while taking a hard kick to my side that sent me ass over tea-kettle.

Two down.

I'd barely landed when Cat tried to land a wicked heel-stomp on my chest. I grabbed the descending foot in both hands and threw both my legs against his only grounded one before leaning all of my weight on his abdomen. He landed in a huff as I scrambled out from under him to dodge a swinging... Butcher knife?

WTF?

I felt the kunai on my throat from a recovered Cat and pulled the same move I did on Tenten, only I accompanied out fall with the pommel of a kunai to the back of her head as I rolled forward to dodge another swing of the Butcher knife.

Went ahead and took another grope while I was at it. This chick has some serious double-d's.

Three down.

"Enough." The Hokage said in the same unperturbed manner when I crouched with a hand on my new katana, blooded for the first time less ten minutes before.

I hit my knees and gasped for air when the Butcher knife, and its wielder, vanished.

In case you are wondering, the Cat masked ANBU is not in fact Yamato, considering I know for a fact Yamato is a DUDE. I wonder just how many Leaf ANBU actually wear that mask.

Oh, and just for reference. I am SUCH a bad ass.

"Satisfied?" I asked in annoyance, still leaning on my knees. "And what the hell was that about?"

Shikaku turned his calculative glare away from me as the three men seemed to forget I'm even in the damn room. "Chunin at least. Possibly tokubestu jonin. Ninjutsu?"

Hiashi just scowled. "Too uncultured and untrained. Nothing more than a brute. Wouldn't have survived a minute against a Hyuuga or even that Uchiha child."

Fine. Ignore me jackoffs. Let me catch my breath from that frigging ambush and I'll beat the shit out of all three of your crotchety asses too.

Side-note. The fight did NOT actually calm me down. Civility is optional when I'm pissed.

Speaking of pissed.

"But he's certainly skilled enough for it." The Hokage stated calmly. That's it. The old geezer has GOT to either be senile or smoking something to remain so tranquil a d serene all the time.

All three ignored my flash of chakra, though Shikaku smirked when the sound of a zipper hissed lightly through the office.

Sssssssssss

"Perhaps a more thorough evaluation in a less controlled setting?" Hiashi suggested.

Sssssssssss

Shikaku frowned, the jonin's annoyance reaching his face. "Troublesome. And what would you call that?"

Ssssssssssss

The kage never took his eyes off his companions as the trio continued to ignore the three knocked out ANBU, the still bleeding headless corpse, and me. "Hmm... I agree to a ninjutsu evaluation, but nothing more. Regardless of what you might think Hiashi-dono, that was not contrived. "

I zipped up my pants and flashed my chakra again. Only this time I got the Hokage's crystal ball. Oops. One more. There's my senbon.

I stuck it in my teeth to give me something to chew on. Damn I need a cigarette. I should visit Genma after this. Relaxing around a sewage dump seems somehow appropriate.

"Are you three quite done? Or should I embarrass the rest of ANBU first?" I called sarcastically across the room.

A heavy, meaty hand landed on my shoulder (freaking me the hell out) as Jiriaya's amused voice called out from behind me. "I like him. Rough around the edges, but kid's got guts." Wow. I didn't even notice the HUGE man behind me until his hand landed on my shoulder. Old toad-butt towered over me like pretty much anyone from the graduating class towered over Naruto on graduation day, he's just THAT big. Draw a comparison with having big foot drop a meaty paw on your shoulder and you get the idea. The man's hand is practically as big as my HEAD.

Scary.

I nearly pissed myself when the ANBU Commander's presence... and body appeared next to me... AFTER he finished talking. "I want him."

Me? ANBU? Oh hell no. "Tch. I'm not ANBU material." I comment, trying to ignore that feeling creeping up my spine from just standing next to him that I should kneel and await my orders. Reminding myself why I came here in the first place did the trick. "Do any of you even want to KNOW what I executed that piece of garbage for?"

I brought my OWN presence to bear as I willed my chakra into conveying just how pissed I still am as I shrugged Jiriaya's meaty hand from my shoulder and stomped up to the Hokage's desk. After training non-stop (outside of my convalescence) since arriving to get Kiba's body into a better shape (Yang) paired with my amazing and utterly awesome intelligence (Yin), I have MORE than enough chakra to bring to bear for a little pissing contest by way of killing-intent.

Remembering my manners... to a point... I bowed after approaching the desk, loudly dragging the heavy cushioned chair with me as the metal supports tore deep treads across the room. "Hokage-sama." Slight bow. "Nara-dono." Head nod. "Hyuuga-unko." Stiff sniff while I got up and dragged the chair away slightly.

"Excuse me young man!" Hiashi declared hotly. I knew he would. I just called him a piece of crap.

I just looked at him disdainfully and sniffed loudly again. "There is no excuse for you Hyuuga-unko."

"I will not be..."

"YES YOU DAMN WELL WILL!" I shouted him down, not about to indulge his superiority complex. Considering the dried blood spattering my mask and clothes, I'm not exactly the most placid picture at the moment. In fact, I'd imagine I look semi-unstable since I haven't stopped glaring at everything since arriving. "A clan full of rapists, murderers, and child abusers and you act like some kind of noble! Hell! You even have the audacity as a clan to wear your hair as symbols of your supposed _**noble **_status." He openly gaped as I tore into him. Jiraiya guffawed hard as he collapsed on the couch under his student's picture on the wall of former kages. "BUT! I'm not here to deal with the issues plaguing YOUR piece of excrement clan you over-inflated wanna-be cross-dresser!" The Hokage bit back a snort and the ANBU Commander twitched noticeably.

"I'm here about the continued disrespect and most recently MURDER attempts on the last loyal Uzumaki in this village! You've already got five other Uzumaki gunning for you all!" I turned my eyes on the Hokage and ignored the silence that settled in the room after my declaration.

"Are you going to go for the full set or continue to let Danzo's ill thought plans for dominion and a pair of old has-beens lead you around by the nose like a broken figurehead?" I asked heatedly.

- 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 -

Ugh.

What is WITH people in this world?

It's like Naruto is the ONLY one who actually believes in time management.

And that's sad. Really, really sad.

Hmm. And Kabuto. Maybe Itachi. Definitely Gaara (Kage-Gaara I mean).

Three hours ago I threw down the proverbial gauntlet on the Hokage's treatment of Naruto. He left saying he agreed and that it should be addressed at once after a long silence interrupted only by Hiashi rudely storming out of the office.

Two hours ago the old man finally returned and asked us to wait for a little bit as the ANBU and jonin currently within the village were gathering for a meeting on the roof.

I chuckled vindictively when he tried to read his precious orange book on the sly and nearly gagged at the stench of urine covering it. That's what you get for leaving me alone in your office for three hours old man, be glad I didn't go with Naruto's paint-exploding-tag.

No WONDER Hatake gets away with all the crap he pulls. If the village ELITE can't travel LESS than fifteen frigging miles in two HOURS than I don't even understand how the village hasn't already been burned to the ground. Shinobi can run upwards of thirty miles an hour with chakra for crying out loud.

That's just ME; Kami only knows how fast the real elite in the village (and Lee) can move.

"Check."

Snort. So here I am, still plenty pissed off at the assembled leadership of the village, sitting here playing chess with Shikaku. Heh. NINJA Chess that is.

"Tch. Shadow clone jutsu." And thoroughly pissing him off at the same time. I dropped three of my pawns back on the board around my knight, blocking his queen's draw for my king and leaving his rook vulnerable.

He frowns and takes up Shikamaru's normal thinking pose. "Troublesome." He tried to call me on it when I first 'summoned' some clones, but I just pointed out that chess has no relation to any REAL battles. Especially those involving shinobi.

Heh. He should be happy I've never been one to use bishops much. I planned to have him Food Cart Destroyer the five squares directly in front of him in a T pattern.

After another five (possibly twenty) minutes, he goes ahead and sacrifices his rook to take the knight I've been using for shadow clones. I give the annoyed jonin a winning smile as I smoothly switch my knight and one of the shadow-pawns before moving to take his queen.

"Check."

His face turned sour as he re-evaluated the new board.

The door opens. I shift to keep an eye on it while snatching Shikaku's rook off the board and dropping another one of my spare pawns in its place.

"It's time." The Hokage states solemnly. "They have assembled on the roof."

"Check-mate." I call over my shoulder to Shikaku, already moving towards the door.

His head snapped back to see the board in a move faster than I thought most Nara's are even capable of.

I just kept up a cheery wave as I disappeared out the door and around the corner, not even bothering to look back.

- 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 -

Hmm… blah blah blah…. Old Man Long-Winded-Boring-Assed-Speech no jutsu…

"…the Will of Fire burns within us all. BUT! It has been pointed out to me of recent…"

The auditorium I followed him to without bothering to change or cleanup is without a down the single largest room I've ever known to be anywhere in Naruto-verse.

"…and that is why one of shinobi has requested permission to address those assembled on an issue I myself fully agree with and have spoken on all along."

Wait wait. What?

"Tiger-kun."

Blink.

Heh. Heh heh heh heh.

He REALLLLLLYYYY wants me to address the assembled higher-ranked chunin, tokebetsu jonin, jonin, elite jonin, ANBU, and Clan Heads available for a quick conference in the village?

I lift my blood-spattered masked face and the Hokage looks a little less certain when he sees the manic joy in my eyes over his attempt at payback for the destruction of his precious Icha Icha by urinary disposal.

REALLLLLYYYYY?

As I slowly turn my head to look over the assembled shinobi, my shitty assed eyes catch a two-tailed red fox running up the shadows along the wall. From their posture alone I managed to pick Genma, Hana, and a good majority of Clan Inuzuka amongst the crowd as well. I did get a rather devious thought when my mind passed by Hyuuga, Yamanaka, and Aburame Clans though. I ignored everyone as I sent a shadow clone running from the room.

Heh heh heh.

I had a fond smile behind my mask. Naruto and subtle may never go together, no matter how hard I try. Since everyone happened to be looking at ME right at that moment, he managed to get away with it. Hmm… I wonder if he LET me see him as a show of support. I wouldn't put it past the kid. Hell, I wouldn't put much of anything past the kid.

Hmm… rows of ...ten …thirty… fifty… eighty. Rows of twenty five and columns of… … eighty. Huh.

Okay, so assembling over six thousand shinobi in two hours in neat rows IS fairly impressive. A show of strength by the Hokage perhaps? For who? Me? Naruto? Someone else?

Such a gathering probably isn't a good idea considering the Inv… asi… or wait. 50 ryo says Kabuto is here somewhere, that or another known spy of Orochimaru's such as his team-mates. This would be the time any leader worth his salt would normally inform his troops about an upcoming Invasion under the assumption I actually made it back to the village.

WILY OLD COOT! He had this planned.

All these thoughts ran through my head as I stood and walked slowly to the podium where the Hokage watched me with noticeable sweat already gathering on his brow. My eyes positively twinkled behind my mask when I finally put the pieces together of what I'm really telling the assembled troops. He quirked an eyebrow at the rapid shift of emotions, but said nothing.

Something along these lines:

"We are not about to be invaded, but here is some completely unrelated information that all of you should know about. Since we've all gathered and none of you will be mentioning the invasion in any way shape or form, it is obvious Pedomaru may continue forward with his plans to burn down the village. We are all a bunch of weak little sissies that are about to die."

While the actual words ran more along these lines:

"Thank you Hokage-sama." I said, giving him a small bow as we traded positions. "For those of you whom managed to pay attention till the end, I'm sure after Hokage-sama's rather vague, patriotic, and propaganda filled speech you're all wondering why we've been gathered today, no?" A number of chuckles, coughs, and snorts passed through the room and I swear I FELT the old man thinking about shoving a kunai up my… As soon as the joke passed, I pulled an ANBU Commander and flashed my KI as high up the rung as I could take it.

KI, or Killing Intent, is composed of the righteous anger, hatred, amassable chakra, fear, rage, and jealousy. In short, it's a low-level genjutsu wherein a chakra-wielder imposes their OWN emotions on others by amplifying and projecting those emotions through chakra. People who have been using it for long periods are, theoretically, able to pick and choose an emotion of their desire such as Zabuza's bloodlust, but I am no-where near such a level. Considering the last four months of my life, I wasn't all that surprised when Mouse puked during the first test as waves of pure guilt and uncertainty rung through her body like a tuning fork. A little tidbit I figured out alongside Naruto while bored out of my mind deep inside ANBU's HQ.

Naruto didn't feel it. Poor kid. HIS Killing Intent however was… impressive… and depressive. Very depressive. Like… Sasuke decked out with all of his favorites among Mr. Razor and his family while listening to Jewel and watching Requiem For a Dream on a constant loop depressive. Like waking up one day and finding every piece of manga, anime, and fanfiction in the world vanished overnight depressive.

Those assembled most certainly felt my killing intent, as I saw hundreds of shoulders slump in confusion and uncertainty with only the first wave. "We're here to talk about what it means to be a shinobi of the Leaf Village."

The Hokage may think he pulled a fast one on me, but I've watched, read, and written a lot on Naruto over the years. Annie and I used to joke about what we'd say or do in Naruto-verse as we both were huge Narutards.

"Does anyone know the difference between a ninja and a shinobi?" I asked calmly over the microphone, getting confused looks as the gathered forces of Konoha looked to each other for the answers.

"They're the same thing!" One of the braver Inuzuka members finally shouted once they realized I actually intended to wait for an answer.

Another blast of KI. "WRONG!" My shout startled even the gathered Naras into looking up at me. An accomplishment if you ask me.

"Let me EXPLAIN to you all the REAL differences between an everyday ninja and a SHINOBI of the Hidden LEAF!" The Hokage stood, but I leveled a glare at him. The man put me here; he can damn well deal with the fall out.

"A SHINOBI works in the shadows to create a better world for all. A NINJA works in the shadows to hide from the LIGHT!"

"So what?" the same Inuzuka yelled out, earning a glare.

"So I ask you. Are you NINJA paid by the Leaf village or are you SHINOBI of the Leaf? Mercenaries for hire or honored servants of the Fire Daimyo-sama?"

"SHINOBI!" a few thousand voices shouted, anger and patriotism seeping through their guilt and uncertainty.

"Then none of you would mind PROVING it, would you?" I asked quietly into the mic, a macabre, jilting tone in my voice that threw confusion amongst the ranks.

I drew a simple sealing scroll and a kunai from my pouch and held it up for all assembled to see. "Let me ask you ALL a question that was asked to a GENIN just this morning. SHE answered correctly. Will you?"

"THIS is a scroll." I state, holding up the scroll. "This is a kunai." I sealed the kunai into the scroll, noting at least a hundred of those gathered started to have looks of comprehension and self-recrimination on their faces. "NOW WHAT IS THIS!?" I screamed.

"It's a stupid scroll! What's your point?" The SAME Inuzuka called out angrily.

"THAT IS MY POINT!" I yell fiercely, lifting the scroll even higher. "And just what happens when you idiots DESTROY the scroll HOLDING the kunai?"

Wow. Seeing over sixty-five hundred people (counting the various clan heads, department heads, and retired advisors) shudder in choreographed unison. Is kinda awesome.

I scream into the mic, drawing my katana before sinking half an inch into the podium. "As of TODAY, the Sandaime's Law is ABSOLUTE. The LAST loyal Uzumaki is under MY protection and as I told the Hokage before beheading Wolf this morning, I will tolerate NO further actions upon his person. With permission and blessing of Uzumaki-sama this village's carte blanch permission for bearing the Uzumaki emblem is hereby REVOKED!"

I heard both of the Sandaime's old team-mates jittering behind me, but the Hokage's own blast of KI seemed to shut them up. Though I did catch the old man spitting out his tea when I made my next declaration. "Negotiations will take place on the continued usage of Uzumaki property AROUND the village."

I tossed the microphone down on the podium, withdrew my katana, and held it beside me before giving the shocked army a cold look and pumped up my KI as far as I could force my chakra to take it.

"The Fourth wouldn't bother to save the village as it is today." I heard a lot of grumbling and annoyance from the chunin in the room, but at least the thousand or so jonin had the decency to look abashed.

I spat at the ground while kicking a pebble against the wall just behind the obnoxious Inuzuka's feet. A pebble that just so happened to roll out of my pant-leg. Never underestimate the power of the cloak of invisibility.

I know his type and I know the effect of the mob-mentality. Mobs must be cowed, not catered to like the Sandaime seems to believe. The Paradox of Power.

That man is about to die.

Geek or not, I dropped four men that could be the loud-mouthed Inuzuka's brother during my brief stint in jail when the dumbasses thought they could push around the pudgy little punk that killed off the Attorney General's kid.

I started moving towards the exit while throwing a glance up at the HUGE clock (makes an Akimichi look small) near the ceiling behind the assembled clan heads and elders on the podium with me. I'm truthfully waiting for the idiot to do what I knew he would, but I figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt when I realized its only noon.

Hard to believe I only got out of the hospital roughly twenty four hours ago.

Feels like so much longer.

Maybe I shouldn't kill him. The idiot's just acting like an older Kiba isn't he? Just posturing for placement within the Pack?

"What do YOU care?" he shouted just as I reached the first step. "He's just a damn de… URK…" I switched with a senbon I'd left on the podium and pulled a Darth Vader while holding up my hand in a squeezing motion. Damn my clones are awesome.

"If you finished that sentence, you would be DEAD." I stated coldly, before rearing my arm to the side and thrusting forward, mimicking the Nara's favorite trick of unconsciousness by way of Wall-KO.

Three words. Like. A. Boss.

I'm done. I need to get out. I've been feeling better and worse since talking with Tenten. My mind is a lot clearer, but I'm just getting damn tired. Considering I slept an impressive eight hours last night, a record in the last few months, I should at least be feeling normal if not refreshed. Instead I just want to climb in to bed after destroying the alarm.

"The warning goes to you all." I opened my hand and let the beaten Inuzuka fall before switching smokelessly with a senbon I'd already tossed out the window when I first reached the steps of the podium.

Which is the FINAL nail in the coffin on the Sandaime's plans.

Really?

The WINDOW is OPEN? During a super-secret meeting where an S Rank village secret is secretly to be discussed with the utmost secrecy.

Tch.

….

Huh.

I think I know where Naruto got his subtly from.

- 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 -

Author's Note: DON'T SMOKE CIGARETTES! IT'S BAD FOR YOU AND A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE HABIT! BAD BAD BAD! /end that which keeps me from getting in trouble with the wifey.

ARGH.

Twenty minutes later I henged into a friend of mine from high school, sealed up all my weapons but the katana I moved to my back instead of my hip, and wandered the village. I tried to decide on what I wanted to do for the next two days.

Because OBVIOUSLY I can't do what I REALLY want to at this very moment.

I NEED to relax. Meditating helped a little this morning, but I still feel as tightly coiled as a cat stuck up a tree.

Luckily at least when people get dumped in Potterverse in fanfictions they can still get a decent pack of smokes. I'm not there, now am I?

I used to smoke lucky strikes, I really did, but I despise having little shreds of unburned tobacco get stuck in my teeth.

It's a pet-peeve really.

Regardless, after flicking a match on the pommel of the katana hanging over my shoulder, I went ahead and lit the death-stick before taking a deep drag.

Maybe I should finally pick up the goggles I ordered so long ago, it's too bad I'm not friends with any Aburame's cause their glasses are SWEET…..

Blink.

Ugh. I'm such an idiot. This body belongs to Inuzuka Kiba. Aka, best friend of Aburame Shino!

Well…. Shino tolerates the perverted little spaz at least.

Maybe a good thought for later. Right at this very moment all I want to do is smoke half his pack of cigarettes and ignore Kiba's throat and lungs as they offer their opinions on how I'm mistreating them.

No random kidnappings, no random ANBU, no random speeches to a bunch of people I could give a crap about, no smiling and giving sage-advice to an excitable blonde, no… Tenten.

No nothing.

Just rest. Just relaxation. Hopefully.

I just need a damned break for five minutes.

"Found you."

Bark. 'We FOUND you!' three excited dogs chanted as they huddled around my feet.

AAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

"May I help you Kunoichi-san?" I asked politely, combing a hand through the long mane of brown hair I currently wore as I breathed out a deep huff of smoke.

"Psst. Don't gimme that." She said dismissively as she grabbed my ear and yanked. "I got your scent from Naruto's place imouto. That soap isn't as good as you think."

I heaved a sigh and yanked my ear out of her hand to take another drag when the lit end of the cigarette fell off. "Really sis? Do you MIND?"

"Okaa-san would have a field day if she knew you started smoking." She said smugly, as if it just ended the argument.

I blinked at her and pulled out another while grinding the remains of the first under my foot. "And I care…. why?"

She leaned in and squinted at me slightly, curiosity and disbelief in her eyes. "You… You're really going through with this?"

"I'm not sure who you think I am Kunoichi-san." I asked neutrally, giving the girl a glare as I pulled out another match.

She slammed my shoulders into the wall while glaring in my face. To my irritation, I dropped the second smoke that her nin-dogs promptly tore apart. "Don't play games with ME Kiba." She hissed.

I grabbed her by the back of the neck and pulled her close enough to where our foreheads' touched as I growled deep in the back of my throat. "You. Are. Going. To. Get. Me. KILLED." She struggled to get loose as I moved my mouth closer to her ears and pulled her close. "STOP IT." She relented, making the pair of us look more like a couple trading amorous words than a sibling pair as I whispered in her ear at the lowest volume I possibly could. "Right at this moment, Inuzuka Kiba is considered KIA. You will NOT ruin that unless you want to calls thousands of people to DIE."

She gasped loudly and I leaned back into the wall while pulling her entire body closer, ignoring the feel her rather well developed assets hidden behind such a baggy hoodie had on my chest as I wrapped my other arm around her waist and likewise ignored the smooth feeling of her calf-length mesh shorts against my thigh. "Your little brother, as far as the outside world knows at the moment, was kidnapped from the village, brutally tortured, and died after escaping while evading the army currently marching on this village. Our… mother," I spat the word as almost a curse, "should be made aware of this shortly. YOU will act like the proper sister who just lost her beloved brother if you hear anything about it before the chunin finals."

Damn they make girls sexy in this world. Considering I'm going nearing on seven months of abstinence, I give myself props for self-control with both Tenten and NOW Hana.

The fact that she started to pant openly during my speech is REALLY testing my self-control.

Ugh. Technically my SISTER. Weird.

"What did they DO to you imouto?" She breathed into my ear, motherly concern and unconditional love in her voice. "What happened that changed you this much oto?"

I gave her a slight hug, and pulled back. "They didn't change anything sis," I stated morosely, pulling out a third cigarette and lighting it while turning to walk down the street. At this rate I'll need to buy another pack AND new matches. Knowing she could hear with her enhanced sense or the dogs would just pass along my words… "I've been like this for a long, long time."

"Why…? What changed?" her sad voice called after me, despite keeping her feet rooted in place.

I glanced at her over my shoulder for a second before walking again. "Ask our dear MOTHER what the clan has done. Traitors to the Pack, all of them."

She stood. I walked.

Good bonding moment.

Tch.

After another block of trying to loose myself in the ten mile wide city, I tossed the butt and stomped it. Then spit out the tiny annoying pieces of tobacco. Ugh. Really a pet peeve.

Worse part, it didn't even really help. I still felt coiled tighter than an eighty year old nun running a convent. Considering I haven't reactivated my chakra weights since the fight with the four ANBU, that's saying something.

Maybe I should just get drunk instead.

I tossed the pack and matches in my hip pouch and noticed a heavy red lamp hanging from the street I entered.

Maybe…

"Hey there handsome…" a… blink. Hey. It's the same …not-chick from the first day. "I've missed you Kiba-kun."

Blink. I need to see those medical records from Ayame.

"Konnichiwa madam." I said politely, hoping the term at least applied in his…her… um… its mind if nothing else.

(S)he blinked. "I BEG your pardon." (S)he glared at me heatedly… Let's just go with 'HIM' okay? Yeah. Good.

"Um…. sir?"

He just grunted. "Kids these days." Then he walked off without a backwards glance. I can keep my heterosexuality intact when I say that despite looking like some sort of shemale wanna-be Eddie Izzard, the guy knows fashion. I'd never have thought light green creamish colored heels went with a blood-red snake-skin mini-skirt, but the dude really pulled it off; though it might have been dark-blue fish-skin halter-top with snake-motif vines that trailed down his hairy-assed arms that really made for the finisher. Snazzy dresser that one. I know you can't see it, but trust me, despite how it sounds the outfit is pretty neat.

Side-note observation? My current henge is around twenty-three.

Oddly, that bit of absolute randomness that didn't involve extreme wastes of energy actually made me feel a lot better. Maybe I'll look the guy up some time to help me pick out a better wardrobe for Kiba if I ever get tired of Chuck Norris'ing the Kenshin look.

It's… strange that after a ten second conversation I feel more like… myself than I have since getting picked up by Kabuto weeks ago.

I know I'm a barely stable wreck of a human being, but my emotions feel… stable.

Huh.

It could also be watching the pole-dancer right out in the middle of the street using ninja techniques to put on a show the girls in my own world could never pull off on their best days, even the double jointed one. Always appreciated the artistic nature of pole dancers; never got into strippers or lap dances, but pole dancers are artists I tell you. What is the term they always wanted to be known by? Exotic dancers. Yes. I liked exotic dancers.

Being around a stripper is like watching while someone else prepares an awesome steak, and then the jackoff tells you to go home hungry. Oh, and leave a bunch of money then come back for more.

I tossed 50 ryo.

Girl's got skills.

"Thanks Aniki!"

URK.

WTF!?

The red-head was already gone in a puff of smoke by the time I turned around.

Ugh. I need some Mind Bleach. Oh. And my henge apparently REALLY sucks right now.

Oh look, there's Jiriaya getting plastered.

- 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 -

Ugh... My head...

What the hell happened? Did I get myself kidnapped AGAIN?

"Oh. Your up!" A MUCH too cheerful voice chirruped happily, causing the drums the torturers placed around my head to pound in a horrible orchestra of sound based pain.

Sound. Kabuto again?

Damn. I fail at ninja.

Now, YOU can obviously see what happened thanks to that little scene break, but give a dying man some peace.

Oh. Oh no.

"URK..."

I try to get up and run to find the bathroom in wherever it is I am before I hurl everywhere. "Here." Something is thankfully shoved in my hands. Looks like a porcelain bowl. I heave.

And puke drizzles all over my legs through the two small holes my shitty assed eyesight didn't notice before. Ugh.

"Bwahahaha! You fell for it!" The same chirrupy old voice laughed out loud, the drums trying to mash my head together like a pair of vice grips.

My mask.

Huh.

He at least had the decency to hand me a glass of water. It did wonders for washing the taste of bile from my mouth.

"I gotta give it to you kid," the old man, who I haven't even bothered to look at yet, stated with gusto, "I haven't met a lightweight like you in YEARS." Jiriaya continued to beat the pain of drums around my brain as his voice boomed through the room. I'm only guessing the human shaped blob sitting cross-legged on the bed opposite my own is Jiriaya. Good bet though. Huge mane of white hair, massive bulging muscles, and red blobs on his cheeks.

Random AU: Did you there's no 'undo' option when you accidentally delete three paragraphs while using Pages on the iPhone? I do! Well... Now at least.

I REALLY need to pick up my goggles. Or... did I? I know I planned to... Last thing I remember is having some girl on my lap while throwing back a warm sake. That was around... noon? Yesterday? Today?

"Ung." I finally work up the energy to give him a weak glare. Best I got at the moment.

He just laughed again. "So do you feel better?" He asked in amusement.

"I feel like I got in a fight with a rhino and lost." I deadpanned.

"Yet you managed to keep up your henge even after passing out." He observed.

I shrugged. "Practice."

"How long have you been suppressing your chakra?" He asked, his normally jovial voice loosing all of its normal cheerful apathy.

I rub the sleep out of my eyes while pondering the answer. "Um... Three weeks? Ish?" I partially state, partially ask.

"Stop. Now." His tone couldn't be mistaken for anything but a command. "And drop the henge."

Seeing as, despite my own issues with the man, Jiriaya is not only a Sennin, but the fourth highest ninja in the command structure of the village, I release my henge. I tried to stop Will'ing my chakra back, but it feels like my chakra is locked behind a wall of sludge.

It felt... strange being back in Kiba's skin.

The human shaped blob handed me something. A mirror.

I could barely recognize the face staring back at me as Kiba's. Skin hunt flaccidly on my cheeks and I had bags under my eyes that would put Gaara to shame. "What. The. Hell...?"

"When did you last eat?" He asked intently.

"Um... Had a couple of ration bars before the meeting where I yelled at all the idiots. I... think I puked 'em up though. Before that... I dunno. Ramen with the old man before I got out of the sickbed?"

"And how long have you been suppressing your chakra?"

"Three weeks."

"I repeat. Stop. Now."

I tried.

I failed.

"I... I can't." I admit after failing a third time.

The head-blob nodded. "Thought so. Whoever taught you definitely wanted to kill you."

"Ugh. Stop talking so damn cryptically old man. And do you have any aspirin?"

"You really are from somewhere else. What the hell is aspirin? I thought sensei was just yanking my chain."

"Yeah. Yeah. Aspirin?"

He ignored me. "Form the Ram seal. Summon up your chakra." Still such seriousness, but I knew from the anime that the old pervert always remained cryptic and serious when situations called for it, so I did as he asked.

My Will, my Chakra, lit up the room like Christmas as I could feel it start pulsing through my entire body. The bags under my eyes noticeably receded in the mirror and my pale, flaccid skin gained a little more health and color. Not as much as it should have, but a little.

Then the burning started. It felt like my entire body just lit on fire as more and more chakra raced through my veins.

One a plus note, my hangover burned away.

"I admire your drive," Jiraiya stated seriously, "however you almost killed yourself."

"H-How?" I gasped out, chugging the rest of the water in one gulp and chomping down all three of the ration bars the Toad Sage handed me. They tasted like ash, but I didn't really care. If you work at it, you can down a ration bar in three bites.

"Because you don't seem to understand what chakra IS." The old Sennin lectured sternly. "Chakra is not some weapon to be sheathed and withdrawn like your blades. I've watched you since you returned from my team-mate's clutches. You've been keeping your chakra locked down almost to the level of an average civilian. An admirable feat, no question, considering your chakra levels, but also a very foolish one."

The burning finally started to fade, but my muscles felt as sore as they've ever been and I couldn't escape Jiriaya's old man long-winded-speech no jutsu if I wanted to. I can't really move at the moment.

"You've done a lot for Naruto in the last few weeks. It would break his heart if you managed to kill yourself." He said quietly, no doubt guilt slowing his words. "The gaki happens to be one of the only people on the planet that could pull the stunt you did and live through it."

"What did I do wrong?" I asked, polite only due to my curiosity.

You damn right I'm curious! I've stated this before and I'll stare it again.

I. Don't. Want. To. Die.

Instead of answering he stood up and threw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, creating a shadow clone as he did so. "We'll talk more in a better setting."

We vanished in a shunshin and appeared... at the public onsen. "Can you do ANYTHING without giving in to you earthy desires?" I asked in curiosity. Not exasperation, but curiosity. I can not recall a time anywhere in the anime or manga where anyone ever bothered to just ASK the man. When his face exploded into joy, I quickly held up my hand to forestall the question. Well, my hand MOVED anyway. "Super pervert. I know. I really don't care. Just curious is all. For... posterity."

His grin dropped and for the first time I can recall ever having seen, Jiriaya looked like an old, old man. "Everyone's got their vices kid." His eyes strayed to watch the bamboo water-catcher as he mumbled.

I nodded. "Thought so. Have you ever considered ninja shougi instead?" I asked, grinning as I remembered Shikaku's annoyed expression through the entire meeting earlier.

He shrugged. "Too boring. Besides, how else can I do my RESEARCH?!" The lecherous perverted giggle he emitted is ten or twenty times creepier than anything the anime ever pulled off, original, fan-dubbed, OR legal dubbed.

Scary.

"So... Um... How did I almost kill myself?" I asked, more than a little sheepishly.

He giggled while skipping and hopping to the separator between sections. "Huh?" The Sennin asked in mock-confusion. "You figure it out brat. What's chakra? Should be easy. Though don't suppress your chakra again till you get it. Now I'VE got to get to my RESEARCH! Hehehehe..."

Seriously creepy.

Twenty minutes later, I have to shake myself awake to keep from falling asleep. The hot springs are exactly what I needed. I can't be blamed for forgetting about them. So much has happened in the last nearly four weeks that I can barely keep my days straight.

Speaking of which...

A quick check of the sun puts it sometime around four of five o'clock. Are the Finals tomorrow or the day after, I wonder.

"Hey creepy old guy." I call out without bothering to open my eyes. "How long was I out?"

"Long enough." He replied without taking his eye off the telescope sticking through the hole to the women's side of the hot springs. "You missed a good fight with Naruto earlier. I think that Nara kid and his opponent are still going at it." He commented distractedly. "Oh yeah baby. Give it to big daddy. You naughty naughty girl you. And don't call me creepy. And I'm not OLD!"

"Peeping Toms are creepy." I deadpanned. "It comes with the territory."

...

...

"Wait. WHAT!?" I screamed, bolting upright with surprisingly relaxed muscles, "I missed oto kick Neji's ass!?"

He giggled some more before tossing out. "Yep."

"Crap! Which way to the stadium!" Thankfully, he pointed and I bolted...

...right into the women's section.

Shit.

Oh hi Tenten. What a nice rack you have... ... ... of deadly and destructive weapons.

Shit.

- 7- 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 -

Life is mysterious and strange.

Many things cannot ever be explained. Questions that can never be answered.

"DIE! Die die die die die!"

Some questions are proven to be relatively easy in the end.

The sun does NOT in fact orbit the Earth. Time is actually relative. Yes, in fact, every non-orphan DOES have in fact have a creepy Uncle Touchy somewhere in their family.

"He went this way!"

Hormones cause the more violent and physical reactions children and teenagers are known for.

"Find the pervert!"

The question I'm currently pondering is along similar lines.

"There you are!"

Heh. Nope. Shadow clone FTW!

Hypothetically, and this only a hypothetic exercise, thirty women are gathered completely nude or bearing only skimpy towels. None of them seem to have a single weapon among them.

So where exactly IS hammerspace?

The kunai placed on my throat suddenly is attached to a VERY familiar slender arm in a very familiar manner.

"I give up." I grit out in annoyance. "How in the HELL do you keep finding me!?"

Her lyric giggle tells me I probably won't be getting an answer.

- 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 - 7 -


	8. I Bring the Boom!

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, I wouldn't be living in the U.S. I'd be on my private beach like a BOSS!

MUCH longer than usual A/N (Especially since I rarely use them):

Funny side-note, I'm looking forward to reading through an odd little story named 'Grey Eyes'. Apparently it's a similar basis to this story and: A) I've never seen it before; B) It's not 'What If?' (Which happens to be hilarious. And WIN.); and C) I don't want people to accuse me of copying so I need to read it to find out of he's using any of the plot-devices I've outlined for the reason my OC soul-jumped into Naruto-verse...

On a _complete_ side-note. It's GENMA that keeps the senbon in his mouth, not Raido. The question is, do I go back and fix the chapters to say 'Genma' (since that's who I was thinking of), or so I go back and fix the chapters to say 'Raido', but add in his facial scarring and other distinguishing features and characteristics then put down the senbon as a random quirk he does at home?

Don't expect the 'quick-update' chapters to continue, I've only got roughly 85k words written for the story, but at least I know where I'm going.

HAHAHAHAHA! I just got through writing probably the most HILARIOUS part of ANYTHING I've ever written during the first few pages of Chapter 11. You guys are going to LOVE it. All I'm saying now is that it involves Pocky and Itachi.

- 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 -

It took some fast talking, and my poor supply of pocky, but I managed to escape Tenten's retribution for running half-naked in on her (and the others) while bathing.

As in I told what really happened and she was too busy laughing to extract said vengeance.

She has a really pleasant laugh. It made her half-towel covered chest jiggle in all the best ways. Good Kami I'm such a perv.

Turns out, like Akamaru on the first day, Jiriaya lied through his teeth. I must have blacked out after the second or third drink.

Fun fact. One-hundred and fifteen pound twelve year olds are absolute lightweights compared to two hundred pound twenty three year olds. Who knew, right?

That sarcastic comment got another round of laughs from the kunoichi-who-always-knows-its-me. Despite asking politely, then begging, she just smirked and told me "A girl's gotta have her secrets you know." when I asked how in the hell she keeps finding me out.

Cheeky wench.

We ended up getting dragged into Ichiraku's by a clearly excited... and spastic... Naruto. Gaara and Hinata were already there and served, so the space was a little cramped, but not uncomfortably so. Especially since I just stood back and let the others eat. Food still tastes like ash. I'll stick to the cardboard ration bars.

Heh. I'll tell you about Hinata later. Maybe. If you behave.

The squirt finally checked in with Tazuna and family and couldn't wait to tell his Aniki all about the family's coming all the way to Konoha when they found out he would be competing in the public Chunin Finals the day after tomorrow.

Then the blonde started to recite shamelessly and LOUDLY everything he managed to accomplish in the last month. I shut him up after the first sentence after slapping a hand over his mouth and reminding the knucklehead that a true ninja keeps his skills as hidden as possible. With Neji's eyes, the long-haired cross-dresser could be hiding and reading the Naruto's lips... or so I warned him. Then I pointed out that he might start to like Naruto's lips a little too much if the girly-boy was forced to spent hours listening in on Naruto to get a handle on all of his skills. THEN I asked him if he really wanted to add THREE boys on his list of reasons to question his sexuality after the graduation day fiasco with Sasuke and checking out Haku for an entire conversation without realizing that 'she' was a 'he'.

Tenten was too busy choking on her ramen to correct me on Neji's supposed sexual preferences. Hinata passed out around the time I recalled everyone's memory to the Sasuke-Kiss debacle and hinted at Neji's preferences, I've never seen blood-flavored ramen before. Akamaru (who showed up half-way through the conversation and bit me while growling about getting left behind AGAIN) ended up wheezing and kicking his forepaws so much he ruined one of the spare stalls by way of blunt-force trauma.

Gaara just kind of watched everyone in a rather creepy manner. I think he's a mega-awesome, super-cool badass on the level of Itachi, don't get me wrong, but being around the stoic boy in person is just creepy. I don't know if its some genjutsu or something, but I SWEAR he never blinks except to show a regular person's reaction along the lines of 'holy snit!'.

I dropped another five thousand ryo on Naruto with a shadow clone after I remembered the Sandaime mentioning at some point during my convalescence that the odds shifted from forty or so to sixty-one to one payout if Naruto wins the match against Neji. As a joke, I even threw in five hundred ryo on Neji never landing a hit. The bookie couldn't stop laughing, but assured me the payout would be substantial if by some miracle the blonde managed to keep from getting hit by the taijutsu prodigy.

I just laughed along with him while picturing a HUGE pool of money to go swimming in.

The kid has near-infinite chakra and can FLY until such time that his chakra runs out. I only threw in the five hundred ryo because the squirt is just thick enough to try beating down a Hyuuga prodigy in taijutsu and everybody knows it. What they _don't_ know however is just how many games of Ninja Chess my clone played with Naruto (even using the Exam Stadium in the middle of the night at one point for a 'real' version). Kid _finally_ understands just how seriously amazingly OP his clones can really be.

The day ended on a high note.

Naruto, Tenten, Akamaru, Gaara, Hinata, and yours truly watched the sun set over the Leaf Village in silence, having a last minute training session at the blonde's request in any more tricks I knew with the set of sai he now carried everywhere. Apparently Naruto has grown quite fond of sai (OMFG that sounded so gross...) to the point where he's only having his clones train in swordsmanship.

I cheered his brilliance in carrying around the swords when he didn't even plan on fighting with them. This actually led to another impromptu verbal training session on another one of the most important aspects of being a Shinobi.

Diversions and misinformation.

Tenten had a fangirl moment on me during that conversation, so I'm not going to repeat it, but the jist of it is this: Ninja A meets Naruto in combat on the field of battle, having already proven himself as a failure of a ninja by not killing Naruto in his sleep. Ninja A sees Naruto with a pair of swords on his waist and assumes Naruto is a swordsman. Ninja A gets one hellufa surprise when Naruto beans him in the forehead with the pommel of his sai because he overreached in trying to block a 'sword'. Ninja B meets me on the battlefield and sees my daisho pair, my bo-staff, possibly even my manriki and sai. Ninja B decides that I am a weapons master (Here is _roughly_ the time that Tenten squealed like a fangirl and started gushing). Ninja B gets the shock of his life when it _looks_ like I'm trying to pull a pair of daggers out of my overlarge sleeves, but in reality I'm running the handsigns for a Doton jutsu to send an Earth-Spear right through his back.

It all comes down to tactics. The only reason, which I _did_ point out much to the kid's embarrassment, that Naruto even kept winning his fights up until this point is that there aren't more than two or three dozen people alive that can match his stamina.

In retaliation, my little kohai challenged me (quite loudly I might add) to a spar to prove he can kick my butt any day of the week. Considering how easily I owned Naruto's ass over the whole o-katana debacle the previous day, I felt rather confident in my odds though I did much down an ash-bar to keep my energy up. When Jiraiya gives out 'serious' advice, it really isn't wise to ignore it. Without further ado, the whole group of us trampled off to Team 7's Training Grounds where I approved wholeheartedly of Naruto lining the _entire_ area in a giant circle with shadow clones to prevent anyone spying on his new techniques.

Definitely a fake-tear wipe moment. My little kohai's learning.

Of course, I completely and utterly blame overconfidence on what happened next. I outran an entire army of Sand-nin. I owned a trio of Sound-nin. I successfully snuck into Konoha. I did all of this with worse injuries than anything I've had in my life, a great deal of internal bleeding, and a ruptured appendix. Just this morning I _killed_ a friggin _ANBU_ with a single swing of my blade and dropped three out of four ANBU like they were white-belts trying to overwhelm a Grand Master.

So I _might_ have been a _little_ overconfident in my badassery skills. What is that Shinobi Rule that comes up so often in fanfiction? 'Never underestimate your enemy.' Yeah, my ego took a not so small blow when the blonde kicked my ass six ways from Sunday.

With ONE shadow clone.

I really HAVE created a monster.

Despite pushing Kiba's body to the limits of training every chance I've gotten since arrival, running around with fifty pounds of weights (which I upgraded to seventy-five yesterday) hanging from my chest and legs for muscular growth, and overall being a _much_ better straight-up one-on-one fighter than Naruto is at the current moment I neglected to give consideration to the one area that Naruto excels more than anyone in the Elemental Nations.

Pranking.

The little squirt's shadow clone managed to completely evade me in every attempt I made to corner him, even going so far as to flood the field with his chakra until my nose became useless for finding the brat since chakra actually has a tangible scent to it. I'm definitely proud that he took so many of my teachings to heart, but holy crap was it embarrassing getting my butt kicked so bad by a clone of all things.

I only managed to get the 'win' (though not much of one) when the cheeky clone made the mistake of going for my pocky.

NOBODY messes with my pocky.

"Random question." I said out loud when the sun finally set. Nobody seemed that inclined to leave, so we hadn't moved. "What is chakra?" The old sage's question had plagued for the last few hours and I wasn't any closer to solving the puzzle.

Naruto and Tenten scrunched up their noses in unison again as they tried to come up with the answer to the question, getting a light chuckle from me at how in-sync the pair could be at times without realizing it. Hinata and Gaara just looked at me.

Naruto answered first. "Neh... Kakashi-sensei said its the mixture of physical and mental chakra... but... aren't they both chakra?" His intelligent insights still amazed me after three weeks. Not that he had them mind you, just that no-one ever bothered to realize he did because nobody ever bothered to just ask. "So... chakra is... energy I guess? That our body creates...?"

Tch. Idiots.

"That makes sense." Tenten agreed with a nod before adding her own thoughts. "My team-mate Lee was born without functioning chakra coils, but he can still use tree-walking and water-walking. If he doesn't have working chakra coils, then the energy he uses has to come from somewhere, right?"

"Hey! That's right!" Naruto cheered, hiding his surprise at Tenten actually LISTENING to him behind his normal loud mask. Oh man. Sakura is going to have a hard ass time remaining as Naruto's team-mate after the changes I've wrought in him over the last month. I doubt the pink-haired banshee will even recognize the new Naruto, much less realize just how fundamentally his thought processes have changed. If I can keep the pair separated a little longer, I might even get him to realize just what a score Hinata would be over the flat-chested forehead. "And he even used those gate things right?"

The Eight Gates. Rock Lee's trump card and ultimate kinjutsu. Well, if you don't consider handing him a bottle of sake as some sort of kinjutsu that is.

"Y-Yes..." Hinata added tentatively while trying not to look at Naruto to remain conscious, "I h-have seen h-him train-ning with nee-san m-many times. H-his c-chakra f-fills his muscles and ruined coils w-when he opens his gates."

Gaara and Akamaru remained silent. One since he apparently had nothing to add, the other because the lazy assed runt passed out.

"But where does it come from?" I ask with a frown. Something about the gates...

The three Naruto-verse originals just gave me blank stares.

"Ugh... That's..." How do I explain the question. "I know. Let's say, hypothetically you have a secondary source of chakra available," I start while giving pointed looks to both Naruto and Gaara. "So you know where THAT comes from. Like Sas-uke's Curse Seal we'll say."

Hinata snorted.

Win.

The only reason Naruto didn't bust out laughing is because I haven't called Sasuke anything else in the last three weeks except those first two days. Tenten just nodded in agreement.

Lets be honest here. The uke is probably about as gay as a three-dollar bill. I have no issues with homosexuality. As far as I'm concerned the word probably shouldn't even exist. It's 'sexual preference'. Just call it like it is people. Doesn't change the fact that Sasuke ain't a hetero though.

After giving the timid and tomato red girl a fond smile, I finished my question. "So thinking about that, where did the chakra come from that Lee used during the prelims?"

We gave up and called it a day about an hour later. Nobody could figure out where the chakra that Lee used to open the Eight Gates actually came from, and it confused my companions greatly that I wanted... no, needed... to know.

Probably how scientists felt when they started asking questions like 'What causes gravity?' and 'WHY does too much or too little water make plants die in the fields?'. Shinobi are born and bred as little soldiers, not scientists. The only reason a U.S. Marine wants to know how exactly his gun functions is how to repair it if necessary, the reasons behind how and why the chemical make-up of gunpowder causes an explosive reaction which leads to the bullet firing is irrelevant.

I couldn't shake the feeling that the Eight Gates held the answer to Pervy Sage's question. The query 'What is chakra?' can only be answered by understanding the beginning, middle, and end of chakra's existence. Here I am stuck in a world I only vaguely understand and I can't even read the language to educate myself better. Knowing Orochimaru, and how long he actually stuck around the Leaf, there has to be _tons_ of information on the study of chakra within the Shinobi Library of which I can read only the tiniest bits of information.

I tricked Naruto into walking Hinata home after Gaara vanished in a sand shunshin. My devious plan of making the two friends get better 'acquainted' backfired when Tenten gave me that half-hopeful, half-uncaring look I knew so well from the time married in my world. The one that says "I won't ask, but I'll be hurt if you don't and I'll never forget or forgive you forever."

Tch.

I'm an asshole though.

I dropped her off in her greenhouse with a leaf shunshin and a weak smile. I can do friends. I think I might need to.

Heh. Wait till she figures out I left a pile of semi-rotted leaves in the lounge area.

That'll teach her to keep things from me.

- 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 -

Naruto and I crashed the night in his new... old?... house.

The cheeky little brat didn't really give me much of a choice. He sent a couple dozen shadow clones to clean out his old apartment while we sat on the Hokage Monument. He really gave me a funny look when they dispelled. Guess he noticed the lack of underwear.

What? I like it when my shit can breathe and I haven't found any jock straps or cups for sale. No wonder none of the ninja ever wear them. They might not exist. In the Leaf Village at least. I honestly have _no_ idea how to go about creating a 'cup'. They obviously have plastic here, but how do you explain to someone that makes kids toys for a living that you need them to make something to protect your balls?

I lazed around the house or meditated in the garden Naruto's clones cleaned back up behind the house for the whole day after getting a promise from Naruto to do the same. His body needs at least a full day of rest after the training I know he's put himself through in the last month. My body needs to get used to the massive influx of chakra that has been randomly surging through my muscles like a wild-fire since Pervy Sage forced me to stop trying to compress and hide my chakra.

I stuck to ration bars when it came time to eat, earning a suspicious look from the far too observant blonde at breakfast before he left to meet up with Gaara and Hinata. He didn't ask. I didn't explain. With the old pervert's warning ringing in my head, I knew I had to eat. Didn't mean I had to like it.

One month.

I've been trapped here while my daughter is who knows where for a full month. I hope my Angel is safe, wherever she is. It's been seven months since she was taken from me. Seven months since she glided into my hospital room and begged me to tell her what happened to Annie. She didn't understand what happened to her, what happened to Annie, what I did to George, or what happened to me. Her tears and cries only spurred on my need to see justice done on the name of my _former_ best friend.

Yet just as easily as she glided into my hospital room did she flow back out. I haven't seen my daughter since, but I _know_ she's out there.

The only thing I have when it comes to my little girl right now is her name.

Hope.

I hope I can find my way back to her. I hope my little girl is okay. I hope she's happy. I hope she's safe.

I hope.

What would you do Annie?

Kami, I miss you.

I wish I could say I spent the full day lost in my own thoughts while getting my rampaging chakra back under control, but I really can't.

The water balloons I got peppered with just after lunch put an end to my moping. I told the squirt to have some fun and he took me at my word. I didn't really feel like it, but I spent the afternoon just hanging out with Naruto like a couple of boys are want to do.

No jutsu. No shinobi stuff. Just a couple of guys playing with water balloons, trading insults, fishing in the pond behind the next row of trees, and even a little swimming.

It really disturbed me that Naruto's version of swimming is little better than a dog paddle. I ended up just spending an hour teaching the little runt how to swim. Then I gave him some ideas on chakra control, Jiriaya's strange puzzle still ringing in my head.

What IS chakra?

Naruto quietly thanked me at one point for all my help over the last month, pouring his heart out as he told me he feels like he really knows what having family is. He even promised to wear the outfit I got him for the Finals.

I ignored it when he started openly crying, blaming the wind for throwing water in his face. Guys don't notice their friends crying.

It's in the Unwritten Man Code. Look it up if you don't believe me.

I taught Hope to swim around this time last year. Unlike Naruto who seemed more intend on trying to just empty the pond with his kicks, Hope took to the water like a fish. She could swim laps around the other kids her age and, as far as I know, is still the only kid under seven to go without floaties.

Gaara and Hinata ended up showing up for dinner, having been invited by way of shadow clone.

Fun fact: Naruto's cooking skills literally ALL involve ramen.

I ended up wowing the trio with homemade noodles, ground beef, greek yogurt, cheese, and tomato sauce when I raided Naruto's ill-stocked pantry for ingredients. I wouldn't be so bold as to call it lasagna, but I got close. I even made some meatballs as a side-dish since Naruto came home with a _massive_ bag of hamburger meat after getting the 'Sasuke' discount. This world certainly has reminded me just how much Americans rely on pre-bottled and canned ingredients. Had to take a stone and bowl to get some crushed red pepper and other spices. I tried my hand a homemade rolls since the kid actually had a small bottle of yeast (from leftover pranks no doubt), but they looked ...odd.

Naruto, despite not ever USING any of them actually keeps a well stocked spice garden. I think I saw him stare in awe and disgust a little when he realized I was using his 'plants' as ingredients for dinner.

I wonder for a moment how much money I could make by starting up a cannery, but shelve the thought since I HOPE I'm not here long enough to find out.

For the three gathered, it was probably one of the nicest meals of their lives. Naruto never once since ate a home-cooked meal with friends at his house. Gaara, well, being the hated and feared psycho killer doesn't really get you invitations to have dinner in stranger's homes; old eighties horror movies aside. Hinata, I know, isn't ever allowed to relax or enjoy herself while at dinner with her father and sister, thanks in no small part to her father vein an even bigger asshole than I am.

For me on the other hand, the meal was a bitter-sweet reminder of the things I've lost. The last time I sat down for a home-cooked meal with my family, Annie and I ended up getting into a fight about something petty. Spaghetti and meatballs started flying. Hope joined in and it became a free-for-all with the little scamp turning the tables on me and teaming up with her mother to meatball me into submission.

Then I left on my business trip. Without the planned leftovers to hold me over and save my per diems during the trip, but I didn't really mind. We had a lot of fun. I came home early to surprise Annie and Hope after driving nearly all-night long once the training conference ended. I thought maybe we could go to the museum like Annie had been asking.

Hope loves museums.

Instead I returned home to a broken home and a broken soul.

I could just feel sensei telling me to shut up, buck up, and deal with it somewhere in the recesses of my mind. Crotchety old bat.

You should have seen Gaara's face when I nailed him right in the schnoz with a meatball.

Naruto picked up on it immediately and nailed Hinata with some noodles. Gaara sent a wave of sand at me in response to my impromptu attack, but I retaliated with a handful of buttered noodles. He stopped in confusion, noodles aren't exactly a deadly weapon after all and Naruto, the kid's best friend, started laughing uproariously. Hinata, cute, shy, timid little Hinata got Naruto right in the eye with one of her own unrated meatballs before giving an 'eep' and diving away from a handful of rolls that I sent flying.

Gaara protected Naruto from my follow-up noodle attack with his sand and got even more confused when the blonde chided him for using chakra in a food fight. The blonde did an admirable job of explaining food fights to the other jinchurikki while ducking Hinata's roll-return attack. I gawked and gaped like an idiot a couple minutes later when a full bag of flour exploded on my head from out of no-where.

Gaara just smirked evilly when I caught the tiny trial of sand flying out of the kitchen. Kid might be socially inept, but nobody ever said he isn't a quick learner.

Cheeky brat.

We had a dessert of some homemade flan, the only thing I could think of off the top of my head, since Naruto bought seven gallons of milk. He figured since seven gallons under a Sasuke henge cost him the same as an old, semi-rotted half-gallon of himself that it was worth to stick it to the old grocers. I couldn't blame him.

In fact I started thinking up ways to see about bankrupting some of the more blatantly bias grocers around the village.

Naruto, Hinata, Akamaru, and surprisingly Gaara all agreed my flan was the best dessert they ever tasted in their lives. Gaara only had a few bites, but I don't blame the kid. As Suna's 'weapon' the poor kid got raised on ration bars and bland protein shakes. His taste buds are about as developed as Sakura's chest come Shipudden.

I wish I knew the recipe for tres leches cake. One of my co-workers made it once, and that shit is GOOD.

Hmm... but I DO know how to make homemade ice cream. Maybe I'll teach Naruto as a reward for kicking Neji's ass tomorrow and making me filthy rich... er... for doing a good job.

Speaking of which. Five thousand at fortyish to one plus five thousand at sixty one to one odds, plus five hundred at... something odds... Heh. I really WILL be filthy rich.

Well. Me an' Naruto anyway. I still plan on splitting the winnings with him fifty-fifty. After I make a pool or something with it. Heh.

Even the the duo of old perverts made an appearance. JUST in time for dessert. I have my doubts on how 'random' their arrival time really was. The Sandaime just about blew my mind when he recognized the dessert as a treat served fairly often in the Land of Iron. Looks like I have a place to visit. Feudal style Japan didn't really have anything similar to flan as far as I am aware, which makes old man Milfune someone I need to meet. If only for the slightest chance of finding someone else in my situation. More to the point, someone else who is already here and how to get HOME.

The super pervert made constant innuendo towards Naruto and Hinata's relationship for a solid ten minutes. Gaara put an end to the old man's perving when he threatened to crush Jiriaya's nuts like a pair of grapes. Suna's jinchurikki emphasized his point by doing just that to a pair of grapes.

I have NO idea where he got the grapes, but I teared up slightly when he did it. I've been looking for some grapes to munch on since arrival and haven't found a vendor selling them yet anywhere.

Hmm... clone maybe? Kid's definitely crazy enough to crush one of his own clones to death, whether he's mellowed since Naruto got ahold of him with the Psychosis no jutsu or not.

All in all, it was a good last day before the quasi-war I knew would be coming on the marrow.

It was also arguably the absolute shortest day yet outside of those spent unconscious or strapped down so Ayame... er... Mouse could play nurse with me yet.

Heh. ANBU uniform or no, the girl makes for a sexy nurse.

- 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 -

"You've done admirably."

What a strange dream.

Where is that voice coming from?

Why can't I see anything. It's so dark.

"Can you handle what's coming next I wonder?"

Is my subconscious screwing with me again?

"Don't forget the pocky!"

Yep. It is.

I hate my subconscious SO much.

"You might hide it from the others... but I know."

I can't even go flying; considering there isn't an 'up' per say.

"I know how much you loved it when you tore him apart."

WTF?

- 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 -

I opened my eyes slowly as the sunlight streamed in through window and reached instinctively for my glasses on the night stand.

Then I promptly slammed on to the floor when I tried to throw my arms weight on a nightstand that wasn't there.

Oh. Right.

Heh. I'm a goob.

Sleep faded slowly as I stumbled into the bathroom, ignoring Naruto's squeaking and shouting from the shower as I unloaded in the toilet. Squicky little prude isn't he?

Meh. The ff authors will be happy to know they might just be right on why Hinata follows him around though.

Finished with my morning business, and smirking at the stench I left for the little prude, I headed to the kitchen for some cereal.

I grabbed a carton of milk and poured three bowls of cereal while waiting for the pot to whistle. Never been a coffee man, but hot tea works just as well when I need a wake-up and Naruto has the hugest lavender plant I've ever seen.

Heh. And people say he never notices Hinata.

"What the hell did you EAT last night Aniki?" An equally sleepy, and slightly green around the gills, Naruto demanded as he plopped down and grabbed one of the offers bowls. I didn't miss the tiny content smile he sported when he grabbed it. "Ugh... Cereal for breakfast? Where's the ramen?!"

I just grunted and threw a thumb over my shoulder to point at the pot heating up on the stove. There's a reason the thing is full when I only need a cup or two of tea. He eyed it suspiciously before grunting back.

Neither one of us reacted when a swirl of sand filled the kitchen before falling to reveal a fully clothed and battle ready Gaara. He took the third bowl silently, but tossed a nod at Naruto in thanks.

What am I here? Chopped liver? Sheesh. No respect I swear. No respect. Woo-Woo woo Woo.

Heh. Can you imagine if I voiced even half my thoughts out loud? Even Naruto would probably get fed up with me.

"So you two ready for today?" I asked with my mouth full of food. It came out something closer to "Sslow u-u weady bor tonay?" But hey, three bachelors eating breakfast. Manners are only for polite society functions, impressing girls, and the parents (as I told Naruto, leaving off the last one).

"It should be an excellent proof of my existence." Gaara said with a creepy, sadistic smile that made him look half-insane, half-constipated, half-focused.

Naruto and I both blinked at him as the blonde opened his mouth to deliver another serving of the Psychosis no jutsu... and turned even greener than when he sat down. "By Kami Gaara, what the hell? You'd both put the old Kiba to shame with your gas!"

He started running around the kitchen comically while trying to scrub the taste of Gaara's S.B.D. out of his mouth. The red haired teen never dropped his manic grin. I gave thanks to being on the far side of the table from the kid.

The mistake was doing it out loud. The cheeky little shit made a fan out of his sand and blew it my direction.

I caught a whiff by accident then shrugged and went back to my food. Akamaru started gagging and ran out of the house. "It still isn as bad as Tsume's breath," I told the wide-eyed Naruto. His shudder of revulsion was accepted in the manner in which it was given. The unspoken man code for 'Dude, sorry, but glad is wasn't me.'

"So... Gaara. Any thoughts on my suggestion for your match with the uke-cutter?"

Gaara looked pensive for a few moments before replying. "Provided your assessment of the Uchiha's skill level is acceptable, I find your suggestion... plausible." His smirk nearly turned into a full blown smile as he spoke. This is gonna be SO good. He turned to Naruto with a much more serious expression. "I am looking forward to our next battle Uzumaki. I have grown stronger since our last fight."

Naruto beamed. "You BET Gaara! Get ready to get your ass beat!"

Naruto stopped pumping his fist in the air as his face adopted one of absolute concentration. Then he started chuckling evilly.

Moments later, the room was empty.

It was worse than Tsume's breath!

- 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 -

I met Gaara at the front door half an hour later. Naruto already left to give Hinata a lift to the stadium as he prepared his big entrance.

Heh. I wonder if the Hyuuga Heiress enjoys her Superman moment when the prankster actually gives her a LIFT.

The little blighter is gonna make at least a few thousand civilians shit their pants when he arrives, I just know it. What I do know for a fact is that his planned entrance will be, and I quote, 'Totally mind-blowing awesome.' I'm looking forward to it.

Remembering the dream last night, I went ahead and hit a street vendor for some pocky. Gaara covertly bought himself the equivalent of a weeks supply of ramen for Naruto. Bet that cost a pretty penny, pocky is _expensive_ here. Though it does explain the gourd. Where would you hide YOUR pocky?

The two of us parted ways leaving me alone with Akamaru when we passed the civilian sector so the Sound-nin wouldn't see their 'secret' weapon hanging out with a tree-hugger. He assured me as we parted that Temari and Kankuro would likewise take no part in the Invasion though many of the Sand-nins would be until the signal to retreat is issued by Baki.

Squinting at the big clock of the Akimichi shop I hit for a quick snack of dango reminded me to finally go get my hideous goggles. Dango is like pocky, only much richer and much more fattening. How Anko can possibly stay as thin as she is when she eats dango like Naruto eats ramen I'll never know. Looking down, I bit back a curse at my empty dango plate. I would blame Akamaru, but the runt is still munching the fried chicken gizzards I bought him.

Guess Anko is in the area. Speak... err... think of the devil and all that.

Minutes later, here I am, kneeling in front of the optometrist's shop for the first time in my life crying anime tears. I FINALLY managed to get back only to find a giant sign in the window: 'CLOSED FOR CHUNIN FINALS'

FML.

I WILL have those glasses... er... goggles one of these days! Mark my words!

I gave it a good two minutes before getting bored with random childish behavior (might be record for me), grabbed Snarky, and charged up my chakra to take off for the stadium.

Huh. I'm not exactly proud of the result. Did you know you're chakra based abilities grow in power and strength with your chakra reserves? Did you know that suppressing your chakra actually makes the available chakra you have much less, which in turn makes your body work that much harder to produce more chakra? I sure as hell didn't. Till about five seconds ago that is. Right before I transformed into a hawk. I'd really rather not have anyone know the person responsible for that is me.

I am SO not paying for the damages the chakra explosion just left at the glasses shop. No witnesses, no crime. Right? Right?

Damnit. 50 ryo says I blew up my new glasses.

Oh look. The stadium. I just cleared over eight miles in under three minutes.

How fast is Mach speed?

Bigger question. After kicking my ass so bad the night before last, how fast is NARUTO?!

Oh well. I'll find out here in a few minutes.

Aww... Look at all the little ants trying to get into the stadium through security. Heh heh. Screw security. I'm not an NPC.

Lets see... the tickets Naruto got me are... in the NOSEBLEED section!? What the hell did the gaki spend two thousand ryo on!?

Elsewhere, a Naruto clone giggles to himself as he stares in awe at the fifteen food high pile of take out Ichiraku Ramen while rubbing his hands together.

It better at least be IMPORTANT.

Now... Hmm... How to get better seats. I know there's a seat reserved for me as the Inuzuka Clan Heir, but considering my issues with the clan paired with the fact that I'm technically legally dead until tomorrow...

Speaking of the Inuzuka Clan... Holy crap! The entire clan is wearing mourning black. Tsume looks like she hasn't slept since... since I got back from the Sound base on the western edge of Fire Country.

And... I feel like an ass.

Props to old man Hokage though. I didn't know he could steel his grandfatherly old heart enough to tell a mother her son is dead just to win a war. Hmm... when I put it that way, his actions kinda make sense.

Now... Back to the original problem.

Where to sit.

Heh. This'll be fun.

I bank my wings and glide to a stop right on the corner of the Kage's Booth. Right at the feet of the Cat ANBU I pissed all over while she laid unconscious a few days ago. 50 ryo says she never notices me.

I really am in a giddy, betting mood today. Not sure if its from the mass of mula l'll be raking in at the end of Naruto's fight or just seeing what my little kohai is really capable of after the last month under a training regiment that would have killed every soldier in Sparta even if they tried to split it between the whole village.

Two hours later and I'm still perched here in front of this oblivious asshat. Strength, speed, or jutsu don't really matter. Konoha ANBU SUCK. I actually theorized at least three dozens ways I could have killed the idiot before she even realized I'm here. Speed or not.

New, interesting, and blindingly frightening information I've yet to pass on. Exploding tags don't hiss. That's just a quirk of the manga and show. The Academy spends roughly six months testing their students with paint, urine, and other various bombs to increase their students ability to sense chakra gathering in significant amounts.

I can feel Naruto, but... I'm boned if an exploding tag goes off next to me unless somebody else is nearby to jump away.

How does that tshirt back in my world to again...? 'Bomb Squad. If you see me running, follow.'

I really lost a lot of needed training during my vacation with Kabuto and the Sand grunts.

"Welcome one and all *cough* to the Chunin *cough* Final Exams." Sweet it's starting and hey, Hayate's alive! No emo... um... purple haired ANBU chick. What is her name...? It's on the tip of my tongue. "...would Uzumaki Naruto and Hyuuga Neji please stay here in the ring."

Boom... Boom... BOOM!

Um... Are those WAR drums? Oto your cheeky son of a...

Boom... Boom... BOOM!

Thirty drummers with black capes and hoods covering their faces appeared in a circle around Neji, Hayate, and... Oh hi Genma. Guess the old man isn't taking any chances with his genin. Good move.

Boom... Boom... BOOM!

As one, the drummers stopped and raised their drumsticks to point at the sky directly over the center of the ring.

BOOOOOM!

Bwahahahahaha! The squirt did it! He broke the f-ing SOUND barrier! Take that so called Otogakure!

Falling from the sky at nearly Mach speeds is a black and burnt orange clad blur with a massive six foot o-katana strapped... my bet's on glued... to his back. (Blurred not from speed, just my shitty eyesight. I AM actually following him.)

KA-BOOM!

He crashed into the ground in a kneeling position with his sword in hand next to him creating a five foot deep crater and wearing the hakama set I gave him as a present a few days prior fashioned after, or rather out of, his mother's wedding outfit. Black pants with a burnt orange stripe running down the front of each leg and a matching burnt orange top, the belt made of the same material as his pants. Knowing how much use I've gotten out of mine, I even had Tenten stitch the belt with a manriki just like my own.

Damn my kohai looks BAD ASS!

If I wasn't currently henged into a hawk I would so be holding up a sign that says '10'.

"I BRING THE BOOM! UZUMAKI IS HERE BITCHES!" The Daimyo's Booth broke out in thunderous applause, followed shortly by most of the stadium (the foreign parts anyway). Neji tried to say something about new clothes meaning nothing, his voice amplified (I'm guessing) by electronics or some sort of seal in the arena, but the audience's applause completely drowned him out.

"Fighters ready?" Genma asked loudly after asking for the crowds to settle down, his trademark needle firmly in place.

Getting a pair of nods, he brought his hands down in a screamed, "HAJIME!"

Naruto started picking his nose.

Bwahahaha! Oh, this fights going to be good.

"Once a failure, always a failure." Neji stated coldly before adopting his stance... mirrored perfectly by a bored looking Naruto. Oho! He's taking my advice. Go go oto! If he can pull this off against Neji, he'll be far on his way to being ready for Tobi. Asshole or not, the Hyuuga boy IS a prodigy of taijutsu. "What is this mockery?" Neji screamed in anger, his face shifting towards a constipated look. "You dare mock the sacred Jyuuken arts of the Hyuuga Clan?"

Naruto gave no reply, but his mocking smirk is blown up all over dozens of monitors around the stadium as the blonde haired boy shakes his head in annoyance and picks at his ear. Neji charged, landing nearly a dozen strikes faster than I could follow from this distance, rearing his arm back on the last strike and plunging his chakra coated fingers directly through Naruto's heart.

Neji froze slackjawed as thousands of people throughout the stands gasped in shock and dismay at the utter brutality of the Hyuuga to his own comrade.

Naruto... exploded. Since I actually looked for it, having suggested this trick myself, I caught the handful of pebbles falling down in various places around the stadium that mixed in nicely with the mass of dirt and stadium debris that the gaki's exploding clone kicked up.

BOOM!

The dust cleared to reveal a dome of brilliant blue chakra spinning where the boys were only moments before, finally slowing a stopping to reveal a bloodied and panting Neji to the entire crowd.

Naruto appeared in a puff of smoke in the exact spot Neji began the match holding his sides and laughing uproariously. "Hahaha! Bet your Fate didn't see that!"

Neji charged the revealed Naruto only for him to explode again, forcing the Hyuuga to use another Kaiten and coming out with even more scratches and a heavy chest. The reason I suggested this method to the blonde is simple. Hyuuga's are known for their extreme chakra control. Who else does Naruto know like that? Sakura. What does Sakura not have? Lots of chakra to spare. In fact, she has very very little.

Thus, weaken and demoralize the opponent before striking.

The way of a true WARRIOR, shinobi or ninja be-damned.

The best part is that Naruto will only be showing the barest margin of his new skills. I told him not to hide the fact that he can fly simply because its far to useful of a skill _not_ to use in almost all of his fights from here on out so I saw no reason for Naruto to hide the skill when it will soon be one of his staples. Sort of like my 'Explody Hands'.

So no-one watching the _recordings_ of the battles across the WORLD will know more than Naruto can perform the Shadow Clone Jutsu, the Bunshin Daibakuha (aka: Explody-Clones), and he can fly. His soon-to-be-completed Rasengan is safe from general knowledge, as are his Summoned Toads, his kenjutsu skills, his upgraded speed, strength, and tactics.

All in all, this fight was planned for Naruto to completely own Neji while leaving his opponents (of which Naruto has MANY sadly enough) completely unaware of what the blonde-haired juinchuriki can actually do.

"Show yourself and fight COWARD!" The Hyuuga screamed, turning to find another laughing Naruto... right where the blonde first started. Oh I am SO taking Naruto out for ramen after this.

"Coward," Naruto, though possibly a clone again, laughed out. His voice turned deadly serious for his next statement however. "Coward?" The blonde spat on the ground in contempt. "The only COWARD I see here is YOU! Trying to KILL a girl who sees you as her brother! THAT is the actions of a COWARD!"

"You have no idea of which you speak." The long haired cross-dresser stated coldly, his eyes hardening.

Naruto spat again and kicked a pebble at the arrogant brunette. "Oh..." He started with hatred and anger lacing his tone. "I know EXACTLY of what I speak. Everyone knows your clan just hides behind its precious clan laws while raping, murdering, and a using its own members like their personal slaves and toys. It's practically a running joke in the village bigger than ME! You tried to kill the very person removing the Clan Branches place as SLAVES!"

"Y-You'r-re lying..." The Hyuuga stuttered, stumbling back, his head looking throughout the crowd at hundreds of sneering faces. If in his proper mind, Neji would recognize the scorn shown to Naruto so many times before, but the blonde's words about his clan just made it seem to be focused on _Neji_ and not Naruto.

Naruto grinned maliciously. "Oh I don't think so. You want to know why you were paired with Hinata," the blonde asked as he strode forward and raised his arm threateningly, "I'll tell you why. Hiashi, the man you despise so much you would kill his eldest daughter for being kid forced to face kidnapping at the age of THREE against an ELITE JONIN, has protected his daughter from the Elders of your clan for the last twelve years! They wanted her DEAD because THEY want to keep their little SCREW TOYS and SHE wants to banish the mark that so blinds you as a SLAVE to your screwed up version of Fate!" Naruto made the motion for throwing a back-handed bitch-slap style punch and Neji stumbled wildly as the pebble he kicked earlier transformed into another Naruto and nailed the Hyuuga right in the back of the head.

I watched in cheerful amusement as one of the Fire Daimyo's advisors ran across the stands to the Kage Booth with a written notice from the Fire Lord himself.

Heh. Fun fact: Slavery has been outlawed, in any form, within Fire Country since the Daimyo took his seat from his father, the previous Daimyo, almost thirty years prior. Seems our precious Lord and Paycheck happens to be the bastard child of the previous Daimyo with one of his slave-women who only found himself legitimized as an Heir to the Throne because the man's horrible father sired no other male children. There IS a reason I told Naruto to air the Hyuuga's dirty laundry all over the place.

While Naruto continued using his clones to mess with Neji's mind, I watched in amusement as two dozen ANBU landed around the Hyuuga Elders at the Sandaime's command. Ten seconds later, only three unmarked Hyuuga and the corpse of an idiot that tried to activate the kill-seal sat in the Main Branch area of the stands. A pale and gaping Hiashi with tears openly running down his eyes, a stupid and equally crying Hinata, and a confused Hanabi.

I don't know if hawks can smile, but if they can then anyone can see just how pleased I am with myself. Especially when my ears catch the Sandaime's mutter: "Why do I think Tiger-kun had something to do with that spectacle?"

"Tiger-kun, Hokage-dono?" The Kazekage (*cough*Orochimaru*cough*) asked curiously.

"One of my newest ANBU. He comes from a land free of slavery and is rather... opinionated on the subject you could say." The old man replied.

The snake-bastard scoffed openly. "Tsk tsk. Hokage-dono. You and I both know how much Konoha's expenses grew when you were forced to... ugh... give WAGES to the useless cretins."

I frowned. "Ah!" The old man countered. "But you must be forgetting in your old age Kazekage-dono that I remained one of the staunchest supporters of the effort. It helped in exposing my most traitorous students ill-advised behavior if you'll recall."

"Oh. How forgetful of me," Orochimaru stated with open bitterness, "I do recall such. So where did this 'Tiger' come from, if I might ask?"

"Hoho!" The Sandaime cheerfully laughed. "You don't have to worry about Tiger-kun, Kazekage-dono. The odd bird comes from a small village freed after Daimyo-sama's proclamation."

Ouch. Busted.

They fell silent after that while the match started to heat up. Naruto-clones started popping up two, three, and four at a time to attack the rapidly tiring Hyuuga.

Neji's loss came from a huge weight landing on his back using Gai's trademark 'Nice Guy' pose, complete with blinding teeth-flare. When the screens finally revealed the two combatants, Naruto lay out on top of Neji's back with a confused expression on the Hyuuga's face. Neji heaved himself to his feet and started stumbling towards the downed blonde.

"Neh... Proctor-sans?" Naruto called in his oh so innocent tone, and I wanted to whoop so bad. "Why haven't you called the match?"

"This isn't over!" Neji screamed, retaking his stance.

Naruto pointed and the cameramen, the crowd, the Daiymos, the judges, and finally the two Proctors followed his pointed finger.

Clear as day on Neji's neck stood a single bright red line; compliments of the red permanent marker my bad ass little kohai waved in his hand airily. What the crowd didn't notice because of the distance, and the cameras didn't catch because of the color, are the half dozen lines drawn in invisible ink on Neji's armpits, either side of his groin, and both his Achilles' tendons.

I only know because the agreed upon signal if he pulled it off is to toss the second pen to the Proctors, which the little gaki did.

Even better, the real Naruto landed a minute later and the one Neji managed to throw off of him went up in a puff of smoke.

I am SO f-ing proud right now.

"Shousha: Uzumaki Naruto!" Genma declared at the top of his lungs, giving Naruto a proud smile. The crowd sat silent for a few moments before breaking out in even louder applause than his arrival caused. Even the hateful civilians actually joined in this time.

Naruto just blushed and smiled widely with damp eyes as he slowly turned to see just how many people were applauding _him_. Acknowledging him as someone worthy of being. No matter how much I've done for Naruto over the last month, this one instance is something I know he desired more than even knowing who his father is.

The squirt really deserved it.

- 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 - 8 -


	9. I see what you did there

DISCLAIMER: IN SOVIET RUSSIA, NARUTO OWNS YOU!

Random observation, I've officially cleared over 225 pages written in this story. Adds up quick sometimes. Over 90k written, not necessarily ready for publish, but written.

The deviations begin soon! I'll probably take a small break from rapid-updates after the Chunin Exam Epilogue (Chapter 10ish) to make sure I have the plans for the Tsunade Arc and those there-after setup correctly.

Building the deviations, not allowing them to detract to the overall story, AND only using the same mythos sets that Naruto uses tends to be difficult, so have a little patience.

- 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 – I see what you did there.

One of the foremost recognized, significant, and highly lucrative events that coincides with the International Bi-Annual Chunin Exams, and in fact is completely dependent on said exams, is the equally bi-annual and MUCH more lucrative event: **gambling**.

Each host village and each visiting village collectively submits anywhere from one hundred and fifty thousand ryo, for the smaller villages like Otogakure and Amegakure that one submit a single team, to eight hundred thousand or even a million ryo, for villages like Konoha that fielded nearly thirty teams. The reason so many genin teams of the 'Big Five' (Konoha, Iwa, Kumo, Suna, and Kiri) only participate in Chunin Exams on 'home turf' has less to do with home field advantage and more to do with economics. It is much more expensive to field a team at another village a chunin exams then their own. Proven by Konoha, in this particular exam, fielding thirty genin teams for evaluation though only a handful even made it to the end of the second stage of the exams.

So then why exactly, after only the first fight of the first round, is the Bookie's Booth closed with a giant sign that says 'Bank Closed,' one might wonder.

Hehe. That is. If that one isn't me!

Heh. Five thousand at sixty-one to one odds on Naruto winning... Five thousand at forty-seven to one odds of Naruto winning... Heh, and get this. Five hundred ryo at a whopping twenty-five hundred to one odds on Naruto winning without Neji landing a single hit.

I whistled cheerfully as I flew back to Naruto's place for a quick drop-off, in NO way feeling guilty for robbing those damn bookies for an impressive and HUGE excess of ryo currently sealed in a scroll on my hip. I robbed those bastards blind for a whopping one million, seven hundred and ninety thousand ryo. If I'd throw a thousand ryo down on Neji never landing a hit I probably would have cleared a cool two million. I even graciously offered to carry Tenten's winnings as well. She put her own five thousand down on Naruto winning when the odds sat at fifty-four to one against. (1,000 ryo says whatever she buys with her money will probably be sharp and pointy.)

That'll teach them to bet against MY kohai.

I left the stadium henged as a random civilian, noticing the shinobi wearing no headbands that followed me as I left, but paid them no mind once I ducked into and alley and took off while henged into another hawk.

Gotta be quick. Don't really want to miss any of the fights you see.

I dumped a turd on the clueless Cat before landing in a flair of wings. Don't ask me how. I'm still trying to grasp the concept of Naruto's version of the henge myself. I think transformation really is a more appropriate term. I wonder just what the limits are on what I can transform into? Can I, for example, transform into the Hulk and go all 'Hulk Smash!' on everything? If my arm is broken, can I transform into something with a third unbroken arm to keep fighting at full strength?

Cause that would be awesome.

Oddest question? Where the HELL does Akamaru GO? Runt doesn't even notice when I'm transformed. It's just like he slides forward in time till I revert. I bet it has something to do with the mass twitch my comrades tend to make whenever I ask about destroyed Sealing Scrolls.

In contrast to Naruto's deliverance of a whole new can of whoop ass, the rest of the Finals were rather disappointing and happened EXACTLY as they did in the anime. I actually forgot that Kankuro withdrew instead of being forced to 'reveal his techniques' prior to the Invasion. Heh. In reality, Gaara told him if he didn't forfeit that the he'd find his entire make-up stash destroyed.

Shika and Temari's fight was a carbon copy of the anime. Right down to Shikamaru's use of his coat for an extra shadow.

Side-note. Temari is SMOKING hot. Like... an eleven on a scale of one to ten. No wonder she's so pissed off at Shikamaru's dismissal of her. The woman practically radiates sex appeal on a level most Hollywood actresses would kill for. Squinting (however that actually occurs in the body of a hawk) for a better view, I'm estimating at LEAST D-cups on display and I can tell from the rather plain bandage wrappings on display through her shirt and mesh armor that she wraps just like Tenten.

Tenten has the whole 'girl next door' persona that drives me... men... that drives men nuts, but in sheer looks the girl has nothing on he blonde haired Sand Princess.

What did I say? A world full of supermodel tsunderes. Its a masochistic pervert's paradise.

I ignore the hidden Jiraiya's sneeze from somewhere nearby

Sasuke and Kakashi finally arrived in a swirl of leaves just before Hayate fully disqualified the annoying drama-filled windbag. After Naruto's kickass ten out of ten entrance? The duo just looked like a couple of assholes. It isn't really their fault, but what do a handful of falling leaves have on breaking the fricking _SOUND BARRIER_!?

Now its time.

The fight is ON.

I can't wait for Gaara to make the uke-cutter look like a dumbass.

- 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 -

"Uchiha Sasuke, are you ready?" The emo nodded excitedly, smirking as he activated his Sharingan in a misguided attempt at intimidation.

"Sabaku no Gaara, are you ready?" Gaara just gave Genma an annoyed look with a curt nod before donning his usual insane, bloodthirsty smile.

"Final Match of the First Round!"

Seriously? Naruto didn't get near this kind of build-up to his match. Why if my oto's match didn't make me filthy rich I might just have a few choice words for the coordinators of this event. I feel like my little kohai got seriously jipped. He could have thrown in at LEAST three or four one-liners with this kind of build up to work with.

Then again, maybe that's why Genma didn't give my kohai the chance...

"Uchiha Sasuke of Konohagakure versus Sabaku no Gaara of Suna!"

"HAJIME!"

Sasuke flipped back at least five times in a useless and energy wasting display of his taijutsu prowess and flexibility. Gaara just stood there, but even from this distance I could see the sand gathering and churning around his feet.

I should point out here that I'm not a Sasuke hater, I'm really not. Kid has more potential than anyone I can think of off-hand in his age group currently present outside of Naruto and Gaara. Not to mention Sasuke was Annie's second favorite character in the series. On the flip side, the kid really is a poster boy for the Suicide Hotline. I mean, if it wasn't for Orochimaru's Cursed Seal screwing with the kid's head and chakra I have no doubt the Uchiha probably could have solo'd Gaara at least until the jinchurikki put himself to sleep.

His arrogance however, I can't stand. At all. Then there's the whole uke-thing he gets on with Orochimaru. Disturbing, you know? Drop the arrogance, pull the world out from under him and I'm betting he really could qualify as the brother Naruto always wanted him to be.

Anywho... Gaara led off with a row of... clones. Sand clones. HILARIOUS Sand clones.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sand clones that... WOW... Sasuke is slaughtering with EXTREME prejudice. Sakura, Ino, Ami, and about three dozen other fangirls already fainted from the fake blood and gore erupting from girls as he ripped through them like paper before the Suna clones reverted back into sand as the chakra powering them faded.

If anything, I UNDERestimated the kid's absolute undying hatred of all things fangirl. He might just hate them more than he hates his brother Itachi.

Then the manic and rather unsettling creepy giggling started. "Hahahaha! Yes! Yes! I could do this all day long!" Sasuke cheered. Making two handseals, he breathed out a massive fireball that left glass statues of Sakura and Ino look-a-likes behind, freaking out aforementioned kunoichis greatly. One of the more brilliant cameramen thought to focus on the girl's reactions to Sasuke's wanton destruction of their clone-selves. That man deserves a promotion!

Gaara, Genma, and Hayate gave the raven haired Uchiha a disturbed look.

Sasuke paused after the fireball and looked around as if searching for more fangirls to slaughter, despite Gaara standing not three feet in front of him. The teen charged a kunai until it crackled with Raiton chakra and threw it like a lance straight through the Sand jinchurikki's head at blinding speeds. The final Sand clone collapsed back into its element and Sasuke's head never stopped searching for the now missing Gaara.

Sasuke's mumbles echoed throughout the nearly silent arena as he jumped randomly around the arena floor. "Not there... Not up... So... DOWN!" He jumped just in time to dodge a row of sand spikes erupting from the ground.

Another copy of Gaara rose from the sand that the entire stadium was slowly turning itself into with a feral grin wide on his currently insane visage. Man it's a good thing that kid is on are side. I am no way deluded enough to think I can take as much of a beating as the Uzumaki-jinchurikki healing machine and prevail against a crazy out of control Gaara. That kid is a _beast_.

Sasuke just tsk'ed and launched another kunai, this copy of Gaara also collapsing to sand.

"Show yourself coward!" Sasuke yelled leaping away from another barrage of sand spears. The fight continued in this manner for another ten minutes until Sasuke ran up the wall of the arena to wait Gaara out. It certainly didn't take him long to figure Gaara tracking him by way of vibrations in the sand. The question is, how can he draw out the Sand jinchurikki?

The arena started to fall silent again, the chatter and whispers falling away as the crowd eagerly awaited Gaara's next move. If he could end the match now, there's no way Sasuke would make chunin. The red head of the pair of combatants has kept Sasuke dancing to his tune for the entire match. As far as I know, Sasuke doesn't have anything that could let him strike out at Gaara while tunneled deep into the sand.

After catching his breath and dodging another wave of sand, Sasuke started peppering the ground randomly with kunai and using his off-hand to make one-handed handseals.

Hmm... What is he up too?

He finished with at least fifteen seals done with both hands (for a total of around a hundred impressively) as the air around the kunai littering the ground started sparking with electricity. Just as Sasuke started screaming, the lightning coalesced into a shape Kumo might just have him summarily assassinated for using. "RAITON: SUIRYUDAN NO JUTSU!"

A Gamatatsu sized lightning dragon chopped once at the air before diving into the ground. Sasuke's A Ranked attack supercharged the sand with electricity, disrupted Gaara's control of most of the sand, and forced the red haired jinchurikki to finally reveal himself. Slightly singed, but Gaara looks far better for it than the panting and heaving Sasuke as the 'last' Uchiha slid down the wall while clutching at his neck.

Heh. Okay, so the info I gave Gaara wasn't necessarily right on the money, but I'm confident in Gaara's badassery skills to know he'll still hand Sasuke his ass on a silver platter.

With a parsley for garnish.

Heh. Nothing else would be good enough for the arrogant little Uchiha.

Gaara glared at Sasuke and lifted both his arms. A practical tsunami of sand towered behind the annoyed sand-wielder as he proved Sasuke only inconvenienced his control over sand, not disrupted it like the Uchiha thought.

Oh snit! Watch out! Gaara moved his hands!

At least four or eight dozen sand shurikens (I never got that name, he just chunks a ball of hardened sandstone...) launched out of the wave and Sasuke repeated the same evasive back-flips he started the fight with. He also proved one of the reasons girls seemed to fall all over themselves in an effort to jump his bones. (Besides the whole last member with access to the entire wealth of a _very_ rich clan.)

Kid's got style.

Sasuke managed to avoid all but two of the sand-stone bombardment, taking a hit to his shoulder in the last barrage. The second hit cratered the boy in the far wall with enough force to nearly break it down and did manage to crack at least two of Sasuke's ribs.

Random thought. Why does Sasuke NEVER use clones? Is his pride THAT strong that he can't bring himself to ever use tactics from the 'dobe'? Hm... Didn't Itachi have a habit of using shadow clones and explosive shadow clones? Maybe that's it.

Either way, the Sharingan is like the ultimate 'dodge incoming attacks' overpowered dojutsu in the entire series... err... universe. It seems like every other season a new OP power of the Sharingan shows itself.

Sasuke's usage of his Sharingan is actually one of the reasons I'm not a Sasuke-hater. The kid doesn't use it like Kakashi to be a huge jerkoff prick during fights to mimic other ninja's attacks and beating them down with their own hard-trained and hard-earned skills. Instead Sasuke takes a one-use, one-function jutsu that Kakashi never bothered to extend and creates a close, medium, AND long range arsenal out of it. That kind of jutsu manipulation takes patience, perseverance, and a great deal of internal strength.

I still want Gaara to hand the arrogant little prick his ass though.

Sasuke stumbled out of the collapsed wall with an arcing blade of electricity sticking out of his wrist like a lance, already starting to run at top speed now that he had a bead on the real Gaara.

The tsunami of sand curled around Gaara like a tornado until it hardened, leaving a dome of sand sticking out of the ground. A dome, not a globe like what Gaara probably would have done under normal circumstances.

Sasuke screamed as he plowed his arm straight into the dome, blasting a huge chunk of sand and blood out the other side.

Gaara's panicked and frightened voice echoed from the dome. "BLOOD!" The dome began pulsing as spike of sand jetted out on all sides like an angry blowfish. A nasty three foot long spike pierced straight through the now screaming Uchiha's arm despite dodging the other twelve spikes that emerged around his trapped body. "MY BLOOD!" Suna's weapon screamed in a manic rage.

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

A massive sand claw emerged from the dome a the same time feathers started to fall around the stadium and someone began to play a pleasant lullaby.

I recognize this tune...

I used... to hum it... to hum it to Hope...

To... keep the... nightm...

- 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 -

Blood.

Blood spread from one end of the kitchen to the other and my wife...

She...

No. No no no no no.

Not this nightmare again. Not now. Not tonight.

I can't take it again.

"C-Chu-c-ck..." A weak voice voice calls out to me from the red-drenched shadows. "Our girl. H-He's after our litt-tle girl." Her last words. I knew. I remembered.

"A-Annie..."

I couldn't forget.

The nightmare continued as my feet carried me through the hallway to our daughter's room, ignoring my heart and soul dying in the kitchen to rescue my angel and salvation from someone... some THING that dared strike against that which means everything to me.

Red tinted everything as I grabbed the Bud-K special my wife bought for my eighteenth birthday off the wall. The worthless blade would shatter against a tile countertop, but right now I just need a weapon to stab the scum that signed his death warrant.

Her bedroom door is open.

There he sits.

The demon.

My best frikking friend George.

He looks so gentle and friendly; as I've always known him to be. Except for the crimson glowing a flickering across his body on the backdrop of my daughter's television, the manic smile on his face, and the flesh hanging from his partially open mouth.

"Shhhh!"

"You'll wake her up."

- 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 -

Ugh.

Kami I have enough trouble ignoring those memories when I'm awake. I really don't need the reminders when I'm asleep.

Damn. Whose making all the racket?

Can't a guy get some sleep around here?

I smelled something burning and flinch away from the charred remains of my left wing. On either side rose a massive purple barrier of chakra. Chakra so potent and charged with Katon chakra it's flash burning anything it comes into contact with. Which apparently included my wing... my arm?

The Invasion!

Looking left and right, I see the expected presence of Jirobo on one side and the wonder-twins on the other. Sucky and Uke-y?

How in the hell did I get myself trapped in this mess? I don't even have enough breathing room to transform back into Kiba's relatively thin body. The only noticeable gaps in the double barrier are around the four jerk-offs of the Sound Four holding the barrier in place.

Huh. There goes my hair-brained idea of somehow knocking Tayuya out during the invasion to find out if she's actually an Uzumaki like Karin. Now that I look at him though, Jirobo's hair is an awfully interesting shade of red, what little of it there is.

How much does he EAT to have that much fat all over his body? Dude's got like... four.. no, make that _six_ chins.

By the Log he eats more than Choji when our Dad's took us out for BBQ that time.

Blink.

Where the HELL did that come from?! I know for a damn fact I haven't even seen Choji since coming here (except today), much less eaten dinner with him. Not to mention actually REMEMBERING what Kiba's father looks like.

Kiba with blonde hair and an underbite like a pit-bull if you must know. Comparatively, Tsume and Aikio made some beautiful damned babies in comparison to the looks they were handing down to their kids.

Aikio? I know the asshat's NAME all the sudden?

WTF?

An explosion from inside the barrier catches my attention, revealing the Sandaime battling it out with the resurrected Nidaime and Orochimaru. Those two old guys look like seriously Grade A badasses. Orochimaru just looks like an asshat.

OMFG! The Nidaime just made a zanbato made of pure water out of the AIR without even a single handseal. I'd love to give more background on the fights going on at the moment, but I can barely even SEE the combatants. They are moving faster than Naruto did while falling after his clone broke the sound barrier. The old man's really holding his own against the pair, proving that he might be over eighty, but he can still kick ass.

How did that song from my world go? 'I might not be as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was...'

Now if I could just figure out how the hell the Sandaime's great sounding plan went down the crapper.

No. Screw that. Plan's screwed. I should work on saving the old man's ass. Now how to...

Tenten's in trouble.

I don't know how or why I know it, but the information just burned through my brain like klaxon on full tilt across the entire length of a battleship. As of this moment, the old man can burn.

Sucky and Uke-y had a split second to scream. Then they erupted into flames and ash, the barrier they once held collapsing completely.

I don't care.

Half a second later witnesses see only a black streak billowing across the arena through air, the corner where I stood finally exploding from chakra feedback after I already covered two-thirds the distance to the girl.

Twenty rows of empty stadium chairs collapsed in a pressure induced heap as I smashed an unlucky Sound chunin straight through the floor of the stadium upon landing. My katana appeared in my hand and I tossed Akamaru to the side, two more surprised ninja dying in an explosion of blood.

"Shhhh!" The Sound-nin said while grinning wickedly at me, his yellow and black teeth the only pleasant feature on the hideous jonin's face. An unconscious and bleeding Tenten lay in his lap as he stroked a finger through her hair, unmoving except the labored rise and fall of her chest. His other rose just slightly to reveal a kunai held to her neck.

"She's sleeping."

That was probably the single worst combination of words the arrogant dead man could have possibly chosen.

I bent slowly and set my katana on the ground, trying desperately to figure out where everything in the Invasion plans went wrong. Where's the backup? Where are the damn ANBU? How long did Tayuya's shitty genjutsu knock my ass out for? Where's the dang shadow clone I left with Tenten?

How many pieces am I going to cut this bastard into? No matter what else happens, Tenten leaves this stadium alive.

"That's a good little tree-hugger. And here I thought you ANBU were supposed to be the cold-blooded killers. How this shitty village managed to..." I'm not really listening to his blathering. My mind, my Will is wrapping around the handle of my katana lying on the ground. The random explosions, screams, and cursing around me fade until the world is just him, my katana, and me. A faint burning sensation flashes across my chest, but I pay no attention to it whatsoever. "...OI! Are you even... HURK!"

The blade sliced the hand holding the kunai clean off and sank to the hilt by way of his jaw, shutting the arrogant thug up. A quick handseal later my shadow clone grabbed the girl out of his remaining hand. My double gave me a solemn nod as it vanished with a shunshin to the hospital.

An extremely important event happened just now, not that I become aware of it for at least a few weeks. When my chakra wrapped around my katana, it blazed in the strangest white light. Strange because for as pure and potentially bright as the white chakra racing through my katana actually is, the color is so completely muted I took no notice of it.

I grabbed the katana and kicked the dead jonin off my blade, already turning around to search for more opponents. Now that I could actually look around with a slightly clearer head, I saw the battles around the stadium are not nearly as dire as thy first seemed. The Sand and Leaf shinobi were giving the Sound ninja a full route. It appears Baki figured out some sort of code to let the assembled (former) Sand invaders know that Orochimaru betrayed them.

Tenten's situation also became a little clearer after noticing half a dozen fallen Leaf-nin around the seats I just flattened. Wounds littered their bodies in a similar manner, indicating they all fell to the same opponent, but...

Who among the snake-pedo's forces was strong enough to do this?

"OI! That HURT you little shit! Do you have any idea how irritating it is to replace body parts?"

What the...

I jumped back away from the formerly dead jonin as he launched a handful of kunai my direction, his hand reattaching to his body with a sickening squelch. The matched holes in his jaw and skull already stopped bleeding and the hideously ugly ninja pulled a ninjato from chest one of the fallen Leaf-nin.

"You will be a WORTHY sacrifice!" He giggled, spinning his blade around idly.

Blink.

Hidan?

The hair isn't white, but I'm not taking any chances. The Jashinist is probably the Akatsuki member I'd recognize the least, with the exception of his scythe and weird javelins. Neither of which this jonin seems to carry.

His manic and rather insane grin however is definitely right up Hidan's alley.

"Are you scared little ANBU?" He crowed, purring as he licked his blade. "You can't kill me you know. I am IMMORTAL!" Finished with his generic 'I am the Evil Undead' speech, the insane jonin swung in for the attack.

I blocked a powerful downward swing that left my arms tingling and returned with a kick to his ribs. He might not be able to die, but I already know he can feel pain. He held his ribs with a grunt and growled, confirming my previous thought.

Akamaru proved his worth by chomping straight through the guy's Achilles' tendon as I moved it to finish the attack.

Without giving him time to let up, I sliced through his kneecap and followed with a slash towards his main hand that he blocked with the hilt of his blade. I tried to fall back fast enough to avoid his return swing, but took a nasty slash on my forearm.

Bark. 'What the hell is this jerkoff? He tastes like a carcass!'

When he jumped back and lifted the blade towards his mouth, I knew I had to act fast. The staff on my back spun into my hands and I slashed down while extending the blade, severing his arm at the elbow milliseconds before his tongue reached the blood on his blade.

My forearm feels like its burning from the inside out. Acid or poison I'm guessing, but its not like I have time to deal with it since the man is already reaching for his sword with his remaining hand.

Step step chop.

The hand goes flying, but his leg comes up to slam into my chin and sending me flying. I made another shadow clone for backup while flying back, starting to feel the slight burn on my chakra. By the time I recover enough from crashing into a pile of stadium seats, Toothy already leaned down and licked my blood from his blade despite being handless at the moment.

"Hahahaha! Jashin-sama will reward me for your death!" He laughed as the seal I recognized from the anime formed on the stairs around him. Gore burst from his stumps to reveal a new forearm and hand on one arm and a new hand on the other. His skin started glowing and his skeleton started to shine through his skin.

Seriously creep-factor of eight at least.

This is going to suck.

I don't want to die.

The seal!

Charging my will... chakra... whatever... I fly off the ground a top speed, grunting as the pain of the collision with the man hits me twice, but managing to hold on to him as we both to barreling into the air at high speeds.

The jonin tried to bite at me as we flew, his only weapon abandoned on the ground and my wakizashi and naginata held in place via chakra.

Ass.

Once we were high enough I didn't even think Naruto could survive the fall, I started spinning before chunking him at the ground in the center of the arena with all my strength.

Heh. He might be alive after that, but he ain't gonna be happy.

I can only hope the psycho is down for the count since I only barely feel my left arm at this point. I need to get to the hospital, but...

I started flying towards the ground.

I'm the only one in the village besides Snarky that knows what they are up against when fighting a follower of Jashin, whether this jackass is Hidan or not.

And this jackoff hurt Tenten.

Toothy already managed to stumble upright when I landed... at top speed right on his back.

CRUMPT!

I grabbed all eight of my exploding tags and covered his body with them (shoving one of them right into his closing chest cavity), trying to ignore the disgusting sight of his skin and muscle pulling itself back together. It took no small amount of effort to force my left hand into the sign to ignite the tags with my right hand.

BOOM!

I held my bleeding forearm against my side and dived away as he exploded, my sensitive ears ringing as the explosion left a powerful whistle that drowned out everything else. His head rolled to a stop at my feet, and I could see his mouth moving, but all I can hear is a loud ringing tone.

I sealed the still living thing up in a scroll, expending more of my chakra to do so, before stumbling upright and looking around.

I almost eviscerated my clone with my wakizashi when it put a hand on my shoulder, thankfully fronting the chakra to shunshin us to the hospital.

What the hell happened to an 'easy' Invasion?

- 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 -

Oh this SUCKS.

Destruction littered the landscape around the building protected behind a yellowed barrier being relentlessly battered by doton jutsu and sound waves wielded by the Sound attackers trying to kill the disabled and injured inside.

At least four dead ANBU littered the ground around the group of masked Sound-nin that actually LOOK the part of shinobi.

"Tch. Cannon fodder. I swear." Why is it the ANBU seem to keel over so easily? Aren't they SUPPOSED to be the elite?

Maybe they draw recruits from the losers sent back to the Academy?

We made it to the hospital alright.

Walled off with at least a half dozen Sound chunin (if I were to guess) assaulting the doors alongside a snake the size of my old apartment.

Sounds like a menacing sized snake, but studio apartments aren't really all that. The massive boa constrictor rammed its head into the doors again, which caused an audible crack to echo through the courtyard.

I don't have time for this shit.

"Tie up my arm." I hissed to my clone, getting his help to strap the useless appendage down to my chest, upraised a little to at least slow the blood, and poison, flowing through it. I can already feel a slight burning sensation gathering and spreading from where the Jashinist managed to cut me.

"We're really going to do this?" The clone asked sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. "I thought we weren't the hero type."

I grunted at him. "And where else am I going to get something to counteract the poison?" I asked pointedly. "If they get in. I'm dead. If they don't get in and we can't get in, I'm dead. Might as well go out with a fight."

He grunted back. Probably thinking something unpleasant about my idiocy. He's probably right.

"We'll take out the chunin first. Just like." Ugh... When did killing become so casual? "Just like the trio. I'll hit the two on the far left, you have to get the other four."

"Four? Why not three and three you lazy ass?" My double snorted out, annoyed.

I raised my eyebrow and pointed at the fact that whereas he is whole, I'm currently one-armed. He just rolled his eyes and said "Pop?" I'll admit he has a point, but its the only viable plan at he moment and I need to get into that hospital. My clone caught the look I have the doors.

"She'll be fine."

I glared at the uppity clone. "Tch. You're the one that always used to say any port in the storm Boss. When did that change?"

"Screw you."

We might have been tossing banter, but we weren't idle.

The youngest kid wearing a flack jacket barely looks over ten and definitely uncertain about being here, but his chakra laced screams are definitely something for concern. The very concrete keeps splitting away from his voice. It amuses to no end that he has pink hair. I pointed to him and held up a one getting a nod from my clone.

The two black-haired Curse Seal berserkers need to die next just from their propensity and ability to inflict violence and damage alone. I point at each in turn and hold up two and three. "The second one is my first target?" I nodded.

The red-headed four-eyed girl... is looking right at me.

Oh. Look. I found Karin.

Shit.

She opened her mouth to warn her comrades, but stumbled over her words when I flashed some killing intent her direction as I charged in alongside my double. Upfront and face-to-face fighting multiple enemies definitely isn't my style if I can help it, but I'm beginning to understand why so many high level shinobi just give up on stealth altogether.

Sensors suck.

I scared the piss... literally... out of the pink-haired boy in the three seconds he managed to stay awake before my bo-staff slammed into the side of his temple and the fight is on. At least the most AOE style opponent is out of the fight. The first black-haired Curse-Seal Beast started laughing as I brought the metal-capped end of my staff towards him, obviously going to miss by at least half a foot. He remained laughing as his disconnected head soared away and his body fell to the ground.

I wince unconsciously, pushing my latest kill out of my mind. What is that now? Five? Eight?

Unfortunately my clone tried the exact same maneuver and the second Beast just kept laughing as the shadow-blade shattered against his stone-encased neck. I blocked a handful of kunai from the maybe-Karin and kicked Shinobi #1 hard in the face when he made the mistake of trying to engage me in close combat. An explosion sent me flying, signaling the death of my shadow clone as a rhinoceros-looking Stage 2 cursed-sealer burst out of the smoke cloud.

And gored his own team-mate on his horn. The two chunin that kept up the barrage on the hospital both ended up dead in quick order, leaving only me and the red-head still standing.

Which makes that my signal!

I toss a senbon towards the room and flip with it, catching the ledge with my only good arm and flipping up on to the roof. Fun Fact about Konoha's seal-array when activated, the hiate-ate's issued to the shinobi forces allow them to bypass barriers based on clearance levels similar to military I.D. badges back on my Terra Prima. Fairly ingenious if I say so myself.

Maybe-Karin's scream echoed from the courtyard I just abandoned and I sigh.

Am I really the type of person to leave a twelvish year old girl to die by way of beastial evisceration?

I want to answer yes. I REALLY want to answer yes. But... If its really Karin down there by herself against that beast? Can I really let the girl die when she's probably Naruto's last family outside of an extremely crazy megalomanic hell-bent on doing nasty things to my oto's stomach, a rather insane seal-mistress playing Kami with mutations on summoning beasts, and a rather loose girl that only wants to suck out Naruto's chakra when they finally meet?

"HELP!"

"Ugh."

I really don't need this crap.

My katana is Kami knows where back at the stadium alongside an abandoned Akamaru. (Heh. Oops.) I have zero exploding tags and the only sulfur on me is the pack of matches in my kunai... Oh. A hole. Damnit. My pack of smokes are gone as well. My left arm is useless, bleeding freely, and turning an unnatural shade of purple. The Beast already proved my naginata is all but useless which means my wakizashi and tanto are as well. I can most likely use the bo-staff at least for bludgeoning.

Screw that.

Fighting the Beast is right out.

He killed two of his comrades in less time than it took to knock out Pinky. The second stage Curse-Seal gives accelerated speed, a massive upsurge of free chakra, massive giant-like strength, and regeneration powerful enough to make Naruto look like a civilian.

The only downside I can think of to the Curse-Seal is their general overconfidence and increased violent tendencies.

"PLEASE! ANYONE!" I peek over the edge to see the red headed kunoichi down with a set of most likely broken legs dragging herself around the smashed the fountain in the center of the courtyard to hide from the beastial man. His changes made for a complete transition into a beast-man by now. From being just short of six-foot he now towered an impressive seven foot or more clad in a grayish granite stone skin. His gore and blood covered horn gleamed in the sunlight angrily. He definitely made for a threatening visage while spinning around the twelve foot tall stone pillar and smashing through the fountain.

"Ugh."

I don't have the chakra for a shadow clone and... I'm sorta like Naruto on the lack of jutsu. The only thing I've got going for me is a set of currently useless blades, a useless bo-staff, and a useless Star Wars controlled manriki.

Except... I DID manage to blow a hole in the roof of the Sound base by overcharging the tree-walking exercise and mixing in the philosophy behind the Rasengan.

Can I kill the Beast at close-range before he gores me alive with Explody Hands?

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

That is SO my line.

"Ugh. Neither do I chick."

I heave over the side in a leap, grappling my only arm around the giant's neck as I land, already charging my hand with chakra. "Rrrrrraaaauuuuggghhhhh!" My chakra coils feel like they're on fire, but I keep pumping more chakra through my uninjured hand. I'm only going to have one shot at this.

The giant swung the pillar around and nailed himself, and me, in the back. "Oomph!" Holy Log that HURT! I keep holding on, the arm strapped to my chest lighting aflame as it smashed between the rock-skin of the rhinoman and my chest. To say nothing of the _wonderful_ feeling of having my ribs crushed in a vice for half a second.

He rammed backwards into the worn barrier sealing the hospital and searing my back. The beaten and battered barrier thankfully fell after only a few seconds of cooking me alive and my hand finally had enough chakra gathered. I hope.

I swung myself up and grabbed his head just behind the neck.

I'll only have one chance at this considering I'm already falling to the ground.

"EXPLODY HANDS!"

He head exploded.

His skin started to return to normal as I crashed into a heap on the ground, the porcelain tiger-mask that found a nearly permanent place on my face over the last week shattered as my head slammed into a hunk of debris. Dozens of painfully serrated shards of porcelain glass lodge in my face and eyes, blanketing my sight in darkness.

But...

I'm alive.

And I'm awake.

"KIBA!"

I turn my blind head to the voice, recognizing the sound, but unable to place it. A warm body crashed into my own, sending lances of pain through my arm and getting a pained grunt.

"L-Let... g-ggo..." I manage to choke out against the knives stabbing through my arm and back.

"What did you do to yourself oto?" The girl's kind voice asked.

I don't have a sister. "Hana?" I heard come from my mouth. It isn't me talking. "Sis. I can't see... I can't SEE sis!"

I know that. Way to state the bluntly obvious.

Shut the HELL up! You almost KILLED me!

Who...?

My mouth moved again. "Sis... Make him stop sis. Make him go away!"

KIBA?!

- 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 -

Did you expect the dead-last?

Why... HOW are you here?

How are YOU here asshole. First you take my body, and now you've almost almost killed me!

"Relax oto... Just relax..." Hana's voice echoed out from somewhere far away.

Hey! I didn't ASK to be here!

But you had no problems abusing the hell out of MY body!

What choice did I have?

"How is he?" An unfamiliar voice echoed out.

You should have just gone back where you CAME from! You got me kicked out of MY Clan! You ruined EVERYTHING with Hinata-chan! And you won't even do anything about Tenten-chan! You've done nothing but ruin my life since you showed up!

"In and out of consciousness. Did you hear what happened?"

"The Uzumaki girl? How did he even fine one?"

And other thing!

Shut up and listen! This is important!

"I don't know, but they said she's a true Uzumaki. Not like that THING Sandaime-sama dotes on."

He IS a true Uzumaki, you cunt.

Why do you care so much about the dead-last?

I don't... or... Damnit. It's complicated.

"Has she woken up yet?"

"No. Her legs were pretty bad off and she still has some internal bleeding."

I felt a finger trace down my face.

It's MY face you asshole!

"You know. For a genin he's pretty cute."

"Get over yourself Aiko. You know how ninja are. He'll be running out of here the moment he can stand straight."

"Tch. Yeah. Blind?"

Shit.

No shit you asshole. We're blind!

- 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 - 9 -


	10. That's MY Pocky and I want

Disclaimer: I can't stand Vampire Diaries. Which is why I wish I actually owned Naruto, because then I would SSSSOOOO pay the money to have it taken off the air.

w00! I've fully written out 100,000 words! w00t w00t! ABOUT TIME I managed to design a plot and write a story that long.

Forewarning: Chapter 11 has an absolutely HILARIOUS moment between my majorly OC'd Kiba and Itachi. Fangirls beware.

- 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 - That's MY Pocky and I want it BACK!

Ugh. How long was I out this time?

"Kiba... Chuck... Gari... Whatever your name is..." I still can't move. I'm laying on my stomach with my head turned to the side and I can't even open my eyes. My arm. I can't feel my arm. What happened to my arm? "I just... They told me what happened. You saved my life. Thank you."

A pair of soft lips brushed my own and liquid splashed on my cheek.

Tenten?

Seriously? I'm awake and can't do ANYTHING. Gee, why does this feel so familiar?

"They said you might not wake up. I... I can't believe that. I told the ditzes that run around this place that you're too damn stubborn not to wake up." Damn right I am! I'm awake NOW! "You helped save the village you know? When you broke the barrier trapping Jiriaya-sama and Sandaime-sama?" Yeah. Like I care. "It's true, but I doubt you'd care." Wow. Didn't realize she knew me this well. "You knew it was coming didn't you? That's why you trained so hard. That's why you trained Naruto so hard."

Of _course_ I knew it was coming. What part of 'I'm not from around here' didn't you get?

"He's a hero you know. They said Naruto's clones held back most of the Sound force from taking down the Academy and the Hospital. He even managed to take down a few jonin assaulting the civilian bunkers. I think you'd be proud of him."

"Why didn't you tell me? Warn me?"

"Why do you hide so much? Why did you save me? They said you flattened a third of the stadium and took down the jonin that caught me. By yourself. A JONIN. Why? Why me? What do you want from me?" Silence permeated the room for almost five minutes and I thought she might have left until she spoke again. "Baka..."

She said it fondly... Like Annie used to do...

"You're such an idiot sometimes..." Annie always said the same thing...

"Naruto wants to beat the crap out of you. He told the doctors there was no way HIS Aniki would let a little thing like a coma keep him down, but he's mad as a hyperactive hornet. They moved that girl you saved to his house. Did you know? Did you know she was an Uzumaki? Your sister said you kept mumbling about Uzumaki when they brought you in so the doctors were convinced Naruto did this to you, but Naruto says you probably knew somehow and Sandaime-sama agrees with him."

Idiots.

"Your mom is a bitch by the way. You save the village and kill at least a dozen ninja and all she can say is 'Runt shouldn't have only got himself half-killed.' Bitch."

She fell silent again or I fell asleep.

I'm not sure.

I missed her voice when she left.

- 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 -

I tried to groan as consciousness finally returned, the feel of sunlight burning my skin prevalent as a plethora of scents assaulted my senses, but my body is still unresponsive.

Hair. Dogs. A hospital room. Someone who REALLY needs to bathe.

A heavy sigh echoed around me as I focused on the sound. "Well you've done a good job on yourself haven't you Runt?" Tsume's rough voice asked, sadness and frustration filling her tone.

"Grr... Just admit it woman." a rough, feral voice called out. Kuromaru. More of Kiba's knowledge. I've never cared what the dog's name is. "You're proud of the brat. Not only for grrr... standing up to you to defend his Pack, but for putting his grrrr... ass on the line to save that whelpling."

"If you don't want to sleep on the couch tonight..." Tsume started in warning, but Kuromaru cut her off.

Heh. Do I even need... or WANT to be here for this? Get a room you two.

"Grr... He's a fine Alpha and you know it. You FELT it. Grrrr... I felt it."

"What good does it do if he isn't even part of the CLAN!?" She yelled back at him. "He doesn't even SMELL like an Inuzuka anymore! He smells HUMAN! Human and... something..."

Um. What? Run that by me again?

"Grrr... So? There have been humans in the grr... clan before." Kuromaru countered, confusing the hell out of me. Where did Kiba go? He would know.

Tsume growled loudly. "And we've killed every ONE of them on Inu-sama's orders."

"Grr... But what if he's strong enough?" Strong enough for what? What the hell is going on?

"HE'S OUR SON!" She screamed.

Eww. I thought Kiba's Dad was named Aiko...

"Grr... And yet he is HUMAN grrr AND Alpha!"

"Inu-sama would tear him apart! You know that! You lost your EYE and your ability to change when you challenged Him!" Tsume pleaded, defeat in her tone.

Kuromaru growled. "Don't remind me."

Who the hell is Inu-sama? Some kind of Inuzuka GOD?!

"Grr... Banish him." Kuromaru said, clearly unhappy. "He'll die if you grrr... don't."

"And leave him Clanless? An orphan?" Tsume shot back, annoyed.

"Grrr... You've done it before to protect a pup from Inu-sama."

I want to point out that I am totally and completely lost at this point. Just want that known.

"And look what happened to HER!" Tsume shot back, emotion thick in her voice. "Inu-sama had her killed by her own team-mate and the stupid prick doesn't even realize it!"

I missed whatever else they might have said compliments of the frustrated Clan Head slamming her hands down angrily... right on the button that generated an extra dose of morphine.

Something stinks in Konoha, and I'm not talking about Tsume's breath or Gaara's s.b.d.

- 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 -

Ugh. What I wouldn't give for Naruto's 'I went to sleep and I'm all better now' regeneration.

Also, after listening to days of people coming in and out to 'help me wake up', all I want to do is stab something.

Badly.

Stabby Stabby Stabby Stabby Stabby Stabby Stabby!

That doesn't even count being fully awake and coherent when the nurses have been making rather... descriptive complaints over having to clean up after me. Sheesh. I CAN'T HELP IT. It's a normal function of puberty for Kami's sake. If they had such a problem with it they shouldn't come in to change my nightgown first thing in the morning.

My stabbitty inclinations might have to do with Tenten having the BRILLIANT idea of bring Gai and Neji along to visit Lee then bringing the whole trio to have a damn shouting match in my ROOM. To be fair, they weren't actually arguing. It's just Tenten and Neji have to practically scream at each other to be heard over the ambiguously gay duo shouting about 'Youth' every fifteen seconds. Or five seconds. Maybe less.

The only blessing about not being able to open my eyes and just tell the visiting idiots I'm actually awake. I HEARD the dreaded Sunset Genjutsu, but didn't actually have to suffer through it.

Fun Fact: Neji screams like a girl when they do that and his Byakugan is active.

I felt touched honestly that the girl would visit so often and even go so far as to introduce my corpse-like self to her team. I still would have stabbed her for brining them though. Probably.

Maybe.

Do you have ANY idea how painful the 'FLAMES OF YOUTH' can be when the bellows emanating from those two taijutsu users echo throughout a tiny hospital room right back to my poor sensitive Inuzuka ears? I think I actually felt a dribble of blood drip from my left ear at one point.

Knowing Konoha's 'Green Beast', Gai probably sees it as his duty to help the various Inuzuka Clan members increase their pain-threshold via repeatedly ruptured eardrums.

More annoying? I can't actually click the button for the morphine drip and the wonderful nurses decided since I'm apparently in a coma I obviously don't need a constant drip anymore.

I'm beginning to think I was right about my arm being poisoned. It's been at LEAST three days and the pain from my arm alone should have been enough to 'wake me up'. Especially when Lee shook it a few times to see what was wrong with it. Ugh. He is SSOO getting stabbed when I get out of here.

Which brings me to the here and now. I doubt you really want to hear me whine and moan about all the wonderfully useless ways I attempted to wake myself up so I guess we'll move on to story-time.

I never did mention how exactly my clone tricked Naruto into making Hinata a near constant presence at his side. Well, a presence the squirt is actually aware of anyway.

Lucky for you, it's time to find out!

Lucky for me, Naruto dragged his mummified butt in here and happens to be recounting the story at this very minute!

What? I told you I'm lazy.

"... I told you I'm that awesome Aniki. I still don't get why I had to spend so much time with Hinata-chan though. I mean sure... I GUESS all that helped, and your clone-self was right, but... well..." Here his voice dropped to a whisper. "Is she sick or something like that coughing guy that proctored the preliminaries Ani? She's always got a fever and she keeps passing out! Anyway... Pervy Sage said we'll be leaving in a couple of days... I asked if we could wait for you to wake-up, but he just gave me that sad look everyone else does."

"What's wrong Aniki?"

_"What's wrong Daddy?"_

"Why won't you wake-up?"

_"Why won't you wake-up?"_

"I... I miss you..."

_"I miss you..."_

Even if I physically could, I don't think I could have responded to Naruto just then. The wounds were too raw. The pain too deep. My existence, my life, my entire world was ripped from me so badly...

I felt a strong grip on my uninjured hand and heard the heavy footfalls as the orange haired boy walked away.

At least I hope he has orange hair. That'll teach the little brat to drop the biological warfare he calls gas in the middle of the kitchen and have the audacity to get me seats in the nosebleed section when I _know_ I gave him enough to practically rent my own merchant's booth.

_"I love you Daddy."_

I love you too baby girl.

I could feel the tears gathering underneath the bandages wrapped over my eyes. She sounded so scared. So alone. I didn't know what to say to her. Sensei says I should just let it go, let her go... But I can't. How can you let a part of your very soul go? How could I let her suffer like that? I'm the only one she has.

Hope. I miss you too.

My Angel.

Yeah okay. Enough of the emo-cutter Sasuke crap.

I gotta get out of here and FINALLY I can feel my chakra again. Since the little squirt gave a terribad rendition of his time spent with Hinata, I guess I'll pass on what I managed to get out of Naruto, Tenten, Hinata, Gaara, Ayame, and the old man on what exactly happened between the duo.

Hopefully I can burn out whatever the hell is in my system by the time I'm finished. I really want to bully my way into the Tsunade Arc. That's weeks of time I can spend bludgeoning Jiraiya on his Fuinjutsu knowledge or at the very least get an English to Japanese translation dictionary.

I'll worry about my eyes after I can move again. Enough people died in Invasion there ought to be at least ONE corpse around for me to get a pair of eyes out of. Heck, I'm pretty sure I have a living one (the head at least) still sealed into a scroll somewhere in this room.

So the start of our story time goes all the way back to the day I got snagged, for whatever reason, and dragged off to that Oto safehouse. Still not sure what I did to peak Kabuto-teme's interest. Might have been the flying?

Meh.

So (apparently) after I dismissed Naruto and sent my clone off with Tenten, my clone remembered three key things. One, I haven't taught Naruto NEARLY enough tactics. Two, Tenten has bad tsundere moments (via Ayame). Finally three, how exactly can my admittedly worthless (due to death via toe-stubbing) clone actually manage to teach Tenten anything feasible outside of basic stances and such?

So my clone apparently got the brilliant idea to sit down and write out a training schedule for Tenten like I did with Naruto.

Still not sure how Kabuto managed to get it away from my clone, but the guy isn't a master spy for nothing.

Hey! My finger twitched. Sweet!

Once the whole debacle with Akamaru and my kidnapping came through via a freaked out Naruto, my clone pulled something I can only credit my amazing and awesome intelligence to, he started lying through his gills.

Heh. I feel like the chick from Kill Bill. "Move your big toe..."

Since my clone couldn't exactly spar with Naruto anymore and (via Naruto this time) even keep up with the rapidly improving genin, my clone made the unilateral decision (that I approve of wholeheartedly) to move on to chess.

Mind you this is after the _hilarious_ debacle with convincing Naruto that my _male_ ningen was on his period and needed to be locked in the bathroom for the rest of the week. That was just sheer brilliance. I think I'll laugh myself to tears when I remember that story for years to come.

As Shika's dad learned (and via subconscious might explain how I beat the man), I've always hated the 'standard' game of chess. It's far to constrained and 'boxed'. A good general, businessman, or player tends to only really be successful by way of thinking outside the box.

So my clone took the place of 'Naruto' in each of the boy's major fights so far while making Naruto take the place of his various opponents. Sasuke, Mizuki, Haku. You get the picture. I've read so much fanfiction over the years that I can practically script out every fight Naruto gets in prior to the end of the Tsunade Arc from memory. Character sheets, dice, and everything. My clone is apparently as anal as I can be.

Mostly I can script out these fights and sequences because the average ff author never manages to GET that far or starts during/after the Shippuden time-skip.

I'm less excited about the foot twitch then I should be, but at least it's progress.

The first fight I laid out for Naruto held a lot of pent up aggression for the squirt, which explains how easily I kicked his butt (he apparently did a cheering dance when 'he' beat 'Mizuki' again, but I managed to get it through his skull that HIS objective was NOT to let me win. (Mind you by 'I', we're talking about my clone.) This from Ayame who apparently had already been assigned to watch me after the rapid personality shift and recent trips to Ichiraku's.

To give you some insight into my ingenious mind (since the clone was only doing what I thought up beforehand anyway), the plan with the 'Ninja Chess' was to force Naruto to _make_ plans that in no way shape or form relied on his signature Shadow Clone Jutsu while also witnessing more tactically sound and well thought out combat where said clones were actually used. The two-fold game forced Naruto to be more self-reliant on exploiting his own skills outside of clones _and_ gave him even more tactics and battle-plans on using his own clones at the same time.

I told you I'm awesome.

So we did the fight again. Naruto using Mizuki's various abilities (that I and Ayame could remember) and my clone using Naruto's shadow clones and the basic three.

I owned him. I never used a shadow clone. I switched with a boulder while jumping at him. (Well, in chibi chess-piece form.) Naruto used Mizuki's Head-Hunter Jutsu and dived underground. I made the squirt pour out some of his water on the ground while grinning to myself. He could only move two 'squares' a turn with his hidden piece off the board, so I just had my 'Naruto' jump on a tree. I took a spoonful of water out of the bucket by my side and poured it on the ground.

The look on his when I informed him that 'he' just collapsed from chakra exhaustion once his glass emptied (four techniques later) was PRICELESS. Seriously. Teuchi took a picture of it.

From what I got out of Ayame, Naruto and my clone spent the entire rest of the night 'playing' Ninja Chess. Made me think of Final Fantasy Tactics, which is what I'm guessing my clone based the game on from the variations I learned he created later. In each battle 'Naruto' would get small changes on his 'character sheet' and his opponents (and their various abilities) became progressively harder and harder.

Teuchi ended up keeping the shop open an extra half-hour when I pitted 'Zabuza' against 'Haku, non-pinkeye Naruto, pink-eye Kakashi, the pink banshee, AND the pink-eyed emo' at the same time because the little squirt managed to completely turn my clone's game around on him.

It's kinda frightening what Naruto's brain is capable of. Would YOU have thought to have Zabuza fill the mist with poison? My clone actually had to have Ayame start playing GameMaster at that point because he didn't trust himself to remain unbiased in deciding how much damage Naruto's increasingly creative moves actually inflicted upon my clone's 'team'.

More amusing however, my clone managed to win when he started using shadow clones even with Naruto getting advice from Ayame, Teuchi, and Iruka (who showed up halfway through the game).

The little squirt pouted for a whole five minutes until my clone pointed out that the 'person' that could have beaten Zabuza with such relative ease was Naruto himself. Squirt got a LOT more excited about learning tactics after that.

However, despite my best intentions, I don't know very much about anatomy (excepting the nine or so kill shots, incapacitation shots, etc.) which meant my clone couldn't really advise Naruto on how to best fight Neji other than "stay away" and "don't get hit".

Not the most sagely advice, you know?

Oh Kami... That morphine is SSSOOO gooooooddddd... Got my hand to work!

Anyway, since my clone couldn't exactly give methods of fighting... um... that cross-dresssssss...

Wooo...

Fighting something. Or something. I think. Kami I love pain-killers...

Cinnamon buns!

*SNORE*

- 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 -

Kami I am NOT a morning person.

"...I talked to Pervy Sage! He said you can come since you're awake..."

Annoyingly enough, Naruto is. I guess you'll find out about Hinata and Naruto later. There were lots of cinnamon buns and a handful of flowers that my clone made Naruto steal as a mock infiltration mission.

I just roll my eyes (or tried to anyway, stupid bandages) and huff in annoyance when Naruto starts sniffing the air with his nose scrunched up. I swear to Kami if I have to explain the birds and the bees to Naruto I'm going to do something absolutely horrible to Kakashi. Maybe I'll move the Memorial Stone to the onsen in the old folks home of something.

That'll teach the pervy jerkoff.

I'm already annoyed with having to go through puberty and deal with all the 'joys' involved therein a second time, I'm not going to explain morning wood and wet dreams to the inquisitive idiot.

Ugh.

Yes I'm aware he's not an idiot, but I'm not awake yet and EXTREMELY annoyed over the fact that I'm going to be essentially blind for the near future. Sue me.

"Neh... Aniki..."

"DON'T finish that question kohai."

"But..."

"Seriously. Read the book I gave you."

"But.."

"Naruto, I am NOT telling you what that smell is. Check the library or ask Hinata or something."

"Um.. Ok."

I could picture perfectly his pinkend cheeks and kicked puppy-dog look, but I'm not falling for it this time. Come hell or high water I... I...

Damn he's good, and I can't even SEE him.

Argh.

I wanted to reach up and pinch the bridge of my nose in irritation, but all I managed to do is clonk myself in the side of the head. Probably shouldn't have used the recently destroyed arm while I can't even SEE myself... I thought being half-blind sucks. This is hell.

"Ugh. You REALLY want to know?" I finally asked after heaving great sigh.

I could practically HEAR Naruto's burnt orange clad shoulders slump noticeably and my ears picked up the faint sound of his feet scuffing the floor.

Kami above the jackals will eat him alive in the political circles. I REALLY need to start his education.

"Fine. I had a wet dream. Happy now?"

His head whipped around and his cerulean blue eyes stared at me for a second as his head cocked slowly to the side in confusion. "A... Ano... What's a wet dream Aniki?"

FML.

Excuse me for a minute while I practice my foreign language skills.

- 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 -

Thanks to the rather impressive rate of healing that comes with being an Inuzuka, and not to mention having half a dozen med-nins on call for the 'Hospital Savior', Naruto's prediction on my esca... err... release date was right on the money.

I couldn't be happier. Naruto is SSOO going to regret mentioning my um... nighttime visitor to TENTEN of all people when I 'explain' the birds and the bees to him.

I almost wish I could get a copy of both 'A Clockwork Orange' and 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' then tie him down and force him to watch both, but this backwater era doesn't know anything of good fiction. Now there's a thought. If this shinobi shtick doesn't work out, maybe I can start writing and producing movies to pay for the cost of the Fuinjutsu research to get back home. It's not like I need more than two actors. Naruto is practically an entire cast by himself and I'm certain I can convince Hinata to Henge into any needed love interests.

I would practically revolutionize their movie industry since at least one in five movies they produce is basically pron. Fun fact? EVERY movie that Daiymo chick from the Land of Snow made was based off of one of Pervy Sage's Icha Icha books, they just made it 'family friendly' by having the bedroom scenes scripted in shadows with giggling and moans. No wonder the old pervert is filthy rich.

Maybe I'll just buy him a hooker and tell her to show him the ropes. That'll scar the little brat for life and give me enough of a payoff for the trouble, but knowing the little squirt's psychosis no jutsu he'd probably find out she is the long lost Daiymo's daughter or something and send us spiraling into an OVA. I don't need that kind of distraction. What I need is to go home.

I paused in tying my boots and cocked my head towards the generally direction of the medical clipboard hanging from the edge of my hospital bed.

Speaking of hookers...

I felt around till I found the clipboard and flipped through the six or so pages. I can't read it YET, but there is no way on Kami's green earth I'm going to ask the hot sounding (not to mention hopefully young and nubile) med-nins that have been catering to me over the last couple of days whether or not I have the clap or some other unmentionable disease. I also rather wanted to keep whatever records they might have of my skills, weaknesses, and abilities 'off the record' as it were. With as easily as Kabuto slipped into the hospital to make an attempt at grabbing Sasuke in cannon, I'm not leaving any paperwork lying around about myself if I can help it. That's one of the reason I had the Sandaime burn the letter I painstakingly wrote up for him while traveling with Tazuna's family. Man Tsunami was hot.

It's days like this I miss Google the most I think.

Ugh. Not that I could even use the Internet if I HAD it at the moment. I am SO recommending they find a more durable, or at least less glass like, substance to make the ANBU masks out of. Do you have ANY idea how painful it is to blink eyes with multiple shards of porcelain lancing through them? Do you? Cause it kinda sucks.

I need some comfort food since these jerk-offs won't let me have back my pack of cigarettes. Don't I still have that pocky in my weapons pouch...

Mmmhmm. Pocky...

BANG.

"ANIKI! LET'S GO ALREADY!"

I blinked (Oww.). Naruto doesn't really get that hospitals are supposed to be quiet for people resting and recuperating. I can only guess the hell he put the staff through when he started showing up daily to play games of Ninja Chess with Hinata.

"...and you've been here like FOREVER!..."

After listening to another five minute rant on how utterly and horribly _**long**_ I managed to spend in the hospital I reached up and conked him over the head.

"Enough kohai. Let's just get out of here."

I imagine he's glaring at me, so I toss a cheeky smirk in the direction I can hear him breathing. Kami it's going to be hell trying to navigate the streets of Konoha by sound. This is really going to put my blind-fighting training to the test. Being completely awake and in the black-silence for nearly two days straight certainly helped me work on my ability to 'hear' what was happening around me, but this will be ridiculous.

"...so I talked to old man Teuchi," wait, is he STILL talking. I gotta stop monologuing. It'll get me killed... "... isn't that great?" Heh. Oops.

"Sure thing bro. Lead on I guess..." I really hope that was the right response and he wasn't asking for permission to cause some sort of mass destruction. Cause there's no way I'm letting him blow up half the village or something when I can't even draw up some popcorn and watch. It wouldn't be fair.

Random thought. Do they have corn in this backwater universe? I could really go for some popcorn.

Leaving the mostly quiet (with the exception of Naruto) hospital and entering the glaringly loud main streets of Konoha shot my plans on moving around safely straight to hell. I spent the last day tapping my bo-staff / naginata on the ground and getting used to feeling around the room by the echoes produced (thank Kami for Inuzuka hearing).

Walking out the door proved one thing. Dare Devil I am NOT.

I decided to ignore my pride and ask Naruto to leave a henged clone in my ammo pouch in case we get separated.

I refused to use my bo-staff as a searching stick though. It isn't even a matter of misplaced and moronic pride. Days before the Invasion I laid down the law on how Naruto is to be treated amongst the Shinobi of the village and physically challenged one of the most 'establish your place in the Pack' members of the Inuzuka Clan in a direct confrontation.

I can't appear weak for Naruto's sake.

I REALLY hate the fact that I know not only that man's name (It's Hira by the way), but that he is primarily a taijutsu fighter that relies entirely on Inuzuku Clan jutsus like Kiba always did during the series. Nothing so general either. I know that the generally sexist and bigoted man once spent days teaching Kiba how to first perform a Gatsuga while shaping Kiba's bigoted world-view on women's 'place' in the world as sexual conquests.

Knowing just how powerfully strong the man actually can be is the reason I had Naruto pick me up a paddy hat like Itachi and Kisame will be wearing when they show up... well when they show up any time now actually. Paired with a sleek set of shades that I made another Naruto steal right out of the Aburame Compound and unless somebody gets a good look at the bandages wrapping my head (and eyes), I'll leave nobody the wiser to my current handicap.

Crap.

If memory serves, in cannon Naruto bailed right out of Konoha to pick up Tsunade with Jiriaya almost as soon he got out of the Hospital. Now instead he managed to delay a few days because he wanted his 'Aniki' to come with him. He probably has a little bit more leeway since the Sandaime didn't actually DIE this time during the Invasion. Bet that got Danzo's goat. Not to mention Naruto _was_ laid up in the hospital himself for an indeterminate period of time after his fight with Gaara.

I really hope there's not some sort of cross-dimensional symbology going on that left me laid up in the hospital after the Invasion instead of Naruto.

I suspect Jiriaya's reasoning for allowing me to come along isn't nearly as altruistic as Naruto seems to think it is. I would bet half the money I just won (Naruto's half) that Jiraiya just wants me along to find out more information on what I do or don't know. Considering Naruto finished the second stage of the Rasengan while my happy (not really, Kami I hate that I'm blind at the moment) butt sat around the hospital for the last few days, the old Spymaster probably wants to know whether I'm a threat to the village or not.

"...and then Temari-chan hid all her make-up so Kankuro-oto had to beg Baki-sensei..."

Let's be honest here. It's a NINJA village. Not a Samurai Village. Not a fishing village. Along comes a guy with a great deal of 'conveniently' placed and timed information about a huge threat to the stability of the village that only prevented a few hundred deaths. The same guy has unknown abilities, unknown affiliations, AND immediately developed a close relationship to Jiriaya's godson who just HAPPENS to be the last (officially known) Uzumaki, the jinchuriki of the Kyuubi no Kitsune, and a child with the potential for three times the economic and political clout of the so-called last Uchiha.

"...and I blew up the entire village, we're actually walking through a genjutsu..."

Yeah, Jiriaya is SSSOOO letting me come along out of the goodness of his... wait wait. WHAT?! "Say that again Naruto?"

"You weren't listening."

He's pouting. WONDERFUL. That's it, no more monologues for a while...

"Sorry kohai, its just so easy to walk around the street completely blind while ensuring I'm paying attention to each and every word you're saying."

"Is that why you stepped in that huge pile of crap back there?" I can practically hear the satisfied smirk in his voice. Ten ryo says that pile of crap wasn't in the street before I trod through it.

"I don't recall stepping on any of the civilians."

He snorted. I'm calling it a win.

"So where are we going anyway Aniki?" Ten seconds. I'm impressed. He really IS learning emotional control.

"I'm going to get my glasses."

I smirked when I heard his feet stop moving. Threw him for a loop with that one.

"But... you're... and you can't... they wouldn't... how can you..."

"I WILL have my GLASSES." I shouted in earnest, getting a handful of weird looks (I assume by the sounds of people turning my direction) as a threw out a theatric pose and held my staff aloof. "Onward! To Glory!"

I can hear his feet start moving again as he walks semi-briskly to catch up with me. It's not like I'm walking very fast. "You're weird Aniki."

I don't feel like dignifying that with a response.

I AM weird.

That's one of the reasons my wife married me.

Now the question is... where the hell AM I?

Being blind SUCKS!

- 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 -

Traversing the city was an... interesting experience.

Especially since Naruto stuck a 'Kick Me' sign on my back and Akamaru bailed out of the hospital before I even woke up to wait for me at home. Brats, the both of them.

I think I managed to scrounge up some major kudos with a number of my comrades when I managed to block almost every sandal clad stinky-foot levered against my gluteus maximus with quick staff work. I'm really beginning to like this bo-staff. Raido does good work. Have I mentioned lately that (in this instance at least since I can't think of many other reasons...) I'm glad at the moment I got stuck with Kiba's skinsuit? Kami help me had I shown up as Mr. I'm-Going-To-Cough-To-Death Hayate or something.

Keyword there? Almost. Apparently Anko took it as a personal challenge to 'kick my ass' when I managed to block her kick half a dozen times. Being strung up like a stocked pig by rather smelly snakes and hanging from the roof of a tannery wasn't exactly a pleasant experience. Those places stink nearly as bad as Mom's breath. Anko screamed bloody murder and chased me for half an hour when I sliced up her precious snakes with a quick twist on the bo-staff afterwards.

Good times.

I'm starting to love Naruto just like my brother. Seriously, JUST like my brother. At the first sign of the crazy psycho the little brat scampered faster than a pair of old ladies trying to nab the last doily during a half-off sale.

"How are you walking so easily? I don't get it!"

Which is how I ended up being blindsided by my newest companion.

"You're ignoring me!"

"I'm not."

"Are too." Blink. (Ugh. Again. OOOOWWWWW) Really? Are we FIVE now?

Notice I say escorted. I didn't even enter her shop this time! I HAD to use it as a guide though! When you can't SEE anything one has to rely on the other four senses for travel along with a carefully constructed mental map. Mine ain't all that carefully constructed. Anko's little stunt might have scared the blazes out of me, but at least I learned through a rather frightful trial by fire how to rely on not just my hearing. Sounds, smells, and even the feel of the shifting air currents on my skin became necessities when that little witch started tossing shuriken and senbon at me like they were going out of style.

On the plus side, my weapons pouch is full again and not just of pocky this time.

"Are snot." Heh.

Which leads right back to my newest companion for traversing the world while shrouded in darkness.

"Are... what? You're weird."

"I know." I tossed back cheerily with a toothy smirk. I figure if I can't laugh at life's little nightmares, I'll probably break down like emo-cutter Uchiha again. Nobody wants that, least of all me. Besides, it really is fun getting her riled up.

As I was saying, err... thinking, the girl lives RIGHT next to the sewage plant after all. When you have to move around by memory instead of by sight, landmarks quickly become vital. Landmarks that can be smelled from miles away are even better.

I hear the bell over the doorway ring a second time, my ear cocking slightly to hear it better as I continue back in the general direction of Naruto's new digs. I'm giving the glasses a miss for the day. AGAIN.

I swear to all that is holy and unholy I WILL have my GLASSES!

Hmm... charcoal and steel... "Tenten?" Ah. Raido. Makes sense.

"I'm going out dad."

"Oh?" he asks. I can hear the blatant amusement in his tone.

"Yeah, seems this idiot isn't going to make it through town on his own." Her voice held a great deal of amusement I'm noticing.

"Oh?" I ask casually without breaking my stride and continuing right past the shop that for some reason has drawn me like a moth to the flame for over a month now. I tossed another toothy smirk and turned to my head to face her fully, at least attempting to give the appearance of looking straight at her. "And what makes you say that?"

"Oh nothing..." She drawls back in the same tone, her sense of amusement rising. "So how long have you been this into pink?" She asked a minute or so later.

Blink. (OOOOOWWWWWW!)

There's a non-sequitur I didn't expect. Where the hell did that come from and what the crap does she mean? She was THERE when I BOUGHT the Kenshin-esk ensemble. Unless...

"I was just wondering when you decided to sport threads the same color as that girl on Naruto's team."

Oh. Hell. No.

I couldn't hide my flinch, but tried to bluff it off. "I've always been told that salmon is a manly color."

She snorted audibly, along with a half-dozen civilians listening in that I REALLY wanted to glare at. "And just how might that be?"

I gave her a sour look, though I doubt she can see it, and turned my nose up to stride away with my head held high. "Its very fashionable where I come from." I state with confidence.

I wasn't expecting her to let out a completely uncharacteristic girlish giggle to that statement which caused an uncomfortable clenching somewhere in the region of my stomach.

Probably my acid reflux acting up again. Let's call it that.

"And what village exactly thinks bright neon is fashionable?" She asked with another giggle, tripping and nearly tossing me to the ground as her laughter got away from her. "The Village Hidden in the Uke's?"

"O...Okay..." I manage to grunt out between my own laughs. "Y-You definitely win that round."

I only stumbled slightly, but managed to keep my balance as we continued wandering through the village trashing Sas-Uke.

All in all, I enjoyed the company more than I probably should have. Tenten really is a sharp witted and intelligent young woman. Which makes the attraction to her I'm trying desperately to ignore all the more uncomfortable. I am surprised she willing walked around for half the afternoon with someone dressed entirely (including my paddy hat apparently) in bright neon pink. I'm like a walking posterboy for... ... something at the moment. Yeah, I got nothing.

_Annie..._

The day probably would have ended on a high note (not that I have ANY idea what time it is) if I didn't walk face-first into a hard as stone wall, bounce off, and crash right on my butt. I swear I heard, nor smelled anything there a second ago.

"My apologies." A quiet voice stated in dull monotone from the location of the invisible wall.

- 10 - 10 - 10 - 10 -

I'm beginning to hate Murphy's Law. I really REALLY am.

First the whole passing out while flying nearly butt-naked where everyone in the village can see. Then getting captured, tortured, and interrogated by Kabuto followed by a desperate march across nearly a third of the Land of Fire. THEN for some reason I STILL can decide making the unilateral decision to drop the proverbial gauntlet against the _entire_ upper ranking members of the village (that one definitely is my fault). Add in the whole debacle with, you know, coming out of the Invasion BLIND because I decided to go against my better judgement and actually play the Hero for Naruto's sake.

Now this. HOW. The village is at _least_ ten miles in radius with countless streets, back-alleys, and rooftops to travel along. Why exactly is the mass-murdering S-Rank ninja I'm almost _certain_ walking down the exact same street I decided to walk along. This universe is out to get me, I swear it.

I cocked my head in the voice's direction while trying to figure out who might be speaking. I can't even hear or smell the... boy?... breathe. No heartbeat, no breath, nothing.

"Are you alright?" He asked in the same unvaried tone. The hairs on the backs of my neck stood on end and my ears cocked as I tried to actually hear him beyond the quiet and polite sounds of his voice. Only a slight brushing of air against my chin warned me of the finger tilting my face back slightly. "My apologies again. I did not realize you are currently unable to see."

"Not as good at that whole walking blind thing as you though, huh Kiba?" Tenten's amused voice asked from the side.

"Are you done yet?" A rough and angry voice called from down the street, causing goosebumps to grow up and down my body. That makes _two _complete blind-spots to people walking around. I held back an unconscious shiver against the calloused finger touching my chin. I'm almost glad right now for the bandages hiding my eyes and forehead from view since both shifted noticeably with my surprise. The vibrations from the second speaker's chest practically yelled to my ears yet I had no idea he was even there.

"Do you need assistance?" The first speaker asked politely as he practically tossed me back on to my feet with only a pair of fingers under my elbow.

"N-No." I managed to stammer out, swallowing thickly.

"Very well." I hear a faint flitter of a cloak as he turned to stand and my weapons pouch shifted slightly. Did the practically invisible speaker slip something in there? Its the type of thing he would do.

I next heard his voice coming from half a block down the street almost a second later. No scent, no sound, no footsteps, not even the swelling mass of chakra I always recognize when Naruto is around. He could have teleported in to the street for all I knew.

"Let's continue Kisame."

I think only politeness caused the gentle footfalls of the man as he walked a few steps away to be heard. Especially since after exactly ten steps I lost him entirely a second time.

FML!

"Kiba?" Tenten's voice came, echoing through my head like a drum. "Hey! Wake up!"

I swallowed again thickly and asked in as low a voice as I could comfortably speak. "A-Are they gone?" Please ignore the girly squeaky hints of distress in my throat.

"Who?"

"The... the guy I bumped into and his companion." I said, fighting another rush of goosebumps as I felt around in my weapons pouch.

"Oh, those two?" She asked in confusion. I could practically picture the cute dimpled 'thinking' frown on her face and her head cocked sideways at almost the same angle Naruto always uses. How can she possibly have affected me this much in under a month. The only other person to have ever done that... "Yeah, they headed out pretty quickly. How come?"

"Did they have, by any chance, matching black cloaks with red clouds?" I ask quietly, straining my hearing to the maximum to the point where the chakra I'm pumping through them starts to burn slightly. My only recently healed hand finished digging through the weapons pouch on my leg as I realized something. That creep didn't add anything to the pouch.

HE ROBBED ME! I bet he bumped me on purpose that jerkoff!

"How did you know that?" She gasped, her soft hand grabbing my chin in a much gentler and nicer gesture than the man I crashed into moments ago. "Can you see through your bandages or something?"

Kiba's body flushed slightly at the close proximity of the weapons mistress as I can smell a faint hint of lilac from her outfit underneath the scents of resin and oil. It doesn't help that the young woman is leaning her bandaged and firm bust against the hand gripping my bo-staff. The hint of lavender and mint in her breath wafted out across my cheeks and I can tell our faces are only inches apart which doesn't exactly help the flush spreading across my face.

Focus. I REALLY don't need this at the moment.

"T-Tenten." I managed to stutter out, internally cursing myself for actually stuttering. "T-That was..." Let's say the stutter came from knowing just who I just had an altercation with.

She finally released my chin while I try to stutter through my answer and I know for a fact her fingers cupped my cheek slightly longer than necessary even as the pad of her thumb brushed my lower lip causing my acid reflux to flair up again.

I close my bandaged eyes unconsciously and take deep breath, ignoring the scraping pain behind my eyelids. "Please find Naruto as fast as you possibly can and escort him to the Hokage's Tower at top-speed. S-Rank." I whisper, cocking my head to the side and turning around to face towards where I last heard his voice, my nose sniffing for the faint scent of chocolate I know I'll be smelling soon.

"What?!"

"Just do it."

"Why? WHO WAS THAT?" She whispers harshly, wisely keeping her voice down against anyone possibly listening in.

I tossed her a confident, feral grin over my shoulder as I gather my chakra for a small flight.

"Just a pair of pocky thieves. And I'm going to get my pocky BACK and not even the so-called S-Rank Uchiha Itachi is going to keep it from me!"

That said I blasted off.

I'm dead serious too.

I want my pocky back.

10 - 10 - 10 - 10 -


	11. Your Village Called

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto... hmmm... Yeah... Sakura would have died on the Tora mission...

Bad news for NaruHina fans... Much as 'I' happen to be a NaruHina fan, it didn't fit with the story so... While I can't say 100% that it will NOT be a NaruHina, at this moment it isn't 100% likely.

Oh, and on a Random Side-Note, remember that reference to 'Gaijin' I made a while back? Yeah, it isn't a Pokey-Girl story, but it IS one of the best-ever stories of Self-Insert I've seen. Look up the Author ContraBardus people, you will NOT regret it.

My having found the author again after four years _might_ have something to do with how long it took for me to publish this chapter, but I admit nothing.

- 11 - 11 - 11 - 11 - Your village called...

Uchiha Itachi and ... something Kisame.

Itachi, as anyone who followed the Naruto anime as I did would know, slaughtered his entire clan in one night with the assistance of Tobi, caused untold level of mental torture on his brother, and ended up joining the Akasuki at Tobi's behest with only one mission in his miserable life. Itachi wants Sasuke to kill him and unlock the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan. Amazingly enough, if you can believe it, Itachi did ALL of these things with the most altruistic of reasons (supposedly). The Sandaime, Danzo, and the duo of soggy-skinned Elders ORDERED Itachi to slaughter his own Clan. He (supposedly) joined Akatsuki to work as a spy for the Leaf. The reason I say supposedly in ALL of that is the distinct lack if intelligence the Leaf has on ALL of the Akatsuki members while Itachi does everything in his power to make Sasuke stronger.

Kisame, if memory serves, _attempted_ to assassinate the Daiymo of the Land of Water before being labeled as a missing-nin and taking up with Tobi's little motley crew under the _supposed_ leadership of 'Pein'. Considering I know for a fact (based on the series) that Kisame is fiercely loyal to Madara's Plan, and thus Tobi, I have doubts about his supposed _failure_ to assassinate the Daiymo. This conclusion coming from the fact that the Daiymo never steps in ONCE to put a stop to Yagura's (Madara's) Bloodline War.

I have always wondered why exactly Madara and Tobi engineered the mutual self-destruction of the Land of Water's bloodline wielders and non-bloodline wielders (through a Sharingan-controlled Yagura, the Mizukage). He had an army that theoretically could have challenged any of the five great nations at his beck and call. A given for all of the villages except maybe Iwa and Kumo considering the outcome of the Kyuubi attack. Add in the number of smaller nations like Frost that could have subtly been taken over through espionage (and Sharingan-hypnosis) and they didn't even really need the whole Zetsu-Undead-Army to challenge the Elemental Nations. Probably could have swung Suna along to his side as well before the whole Invasion debacle.

No one ever said megalomaniacs hellbent on the destruction of life as we know it tend to favor logic. Probably one of the reasons the so-called 'good guys' tend to win so often. Unless of course one of the Bloodline Clans actually posed a credible threat to the Sharingan like that cripple kid that ended up with Raiga or something. That might do it.

Who knows, right?

I know I projected a confident bearing for Tenten before I blasted off on his foolhardy adventure (or at least I tried to. I think I did...), but my thoughts are _nearly_ as confident as the smirk and stance I shot Tenten's way.

These two are the real deal. The creme de la creme. Two of the most kick-ass, awesome, amazing shinobi to have ever been reared in the last twenty or thirty years anywhere in the Elemental Nations. Their peers in terms of threat-level literally number less than a few dozen anywhere in this Universe.

Side-Note: As far as I am aware that is. Kishimoto, movie designers, and game designers did tend to toss out S-Class shinobi like used boy-band underwear at a fangirl auction.

I have no idea what I'm doing or what I'm going to do, but there's no way I'm letting either one of these psychopaths anywhere near Naruto. Especially since it is essentially my fault that my cute little kohai is even still in the village at this very moment.

I finally caught the light scent of milk chocolate that can only come from the small amazing and delectable treats known and loved the world over. If there's one thing I'm glad exists in both worlds it's definitely Pocky. That bastard just stole my whole supply.

Well, Pocky and boobs. I love both almost equally.

My love of pocky didn't suddenly transform my entire being into the resident village idiot however.

I have a plan.

I land in an alleyway a few feet in front of the duo (I think) and step out while pointing dramatically at where the smell originated while screaming at the top of my lungs. "HEY YOU! THAT'S MY POCKY!"

Sort of have a plan. I didn't say it was a GOOD plan, now did I? He stole my pocky and I haven't had a smoke since before the Chunin Exams. Sue me.

"Heh. You stole some blind guys Pocky Itachi?" Kisame's voice growled out in a sharp laugh. "Oh that's RICH."

I hope that jerk had the decency to blush. Pocky isn't NEARLY as cheap here as it was back home. That supply set me back a cool 100 ryo. I might be filthy stinking rich at the moment, but I'm still a born and bred penny pincher. I paid for that Pocky and by Kami I want it BACK!

"How did you manage to find us?" Itachi asked unperturbed, the distinct crunch of MY POCKY echoing out from the same location as his voice shortly thereafter.

I tapped my nose. "Inuzuka. You're eating MY Pocky."

"I see."

I just kinda stood there for a second. That was sort of my whole plan. "So... um... are you going to give me my Pocky back?"

"No."

Well crap.

"What the heck!" I yelled back, rather annoyed by his continued monotone. "That's MY pocky! What are you some kind of common thief? What kind of low-life jerk steals from a blind dude!? What, ...

Pause.

This... is **NOT** one of my most brilliant moments. I repeat, **NOT** one of my most brilliant moments.

Unpause.

... do you torture little boys and murder your family for kicks and giggles too!?"

I heard another distinct crunch of pocky being so cruelly eaten in front of me only a hair's breadth away from my face a split of a split-second before a single hard as steel hand wrapped itself around my neck painfully and lifted me off the ground.

"Please choose your next words carefully samurai-san." Itachi states, squeezing my neck a little for emphasis.

Why does EVERYBODY seem to assume I'm a samurai just because I've got a friggin sword hanging from my side? Really.

However, that does give me an idea.

Not a very brilliant one, but an idea nonetheless.

"Um... So can I have my pocky back now?" I ask, raising a hand alongside the body so painfully and dangerously close to my own, silently brushing against _his_ weapons pouch where I can detect the distinct smell of milk chocolatey goodness. I try and struggle a little while I'm at it and swing my bo-staff to clonk him over the head (not that I'll succeed) as a distraction. He blocked, no surprise there.

"No."

My head cocks to the side painfully, the grip against my neck being quite uncomfortable. "Do you always talk in that same boring monotone?"

Before Itachi could answer, Kisame throws in his two ryo. "Of course he does. Red eyes here has all the social prowess of a corpse. Heh heh. Hey, you gonna kill the kid and get it over with or something? We are kinda on a short schedule you know."

Heh heh heh heh.

I AM SO AWESOME! Now to just get the heck away from the little sociopath.

Can't think of anything to else to call him really. Itachi always _seemed_ like a good guy, but the reality is the Uchiha only cared about the same thing every Uchiha ever cared about. His Clan. Specifically, he cares about Sasuke and only Sasuke. I almost wonder if the only reason Itachi never intentionally succeeded in killing Naruto was because the sociopath wanted his little brother to have the dubious _**honor**_ of killing Naruto to unlock his Mangekyou. Let's be honest, if anyone could give Sasuke the ability to unlock his Mangekyou outside of Itachi himself it pretty much has to be Naruto.

Sakura just made the emo-cutter _more_ willing to commit cold-blooded murder, not less.

"So are you going to let me go now?" I croaked out, finding it a little harder to breath. What the crap. Seriously. Is it THIS common to have random strangers half killing each other in the street that not a single one of my so-called comrades feels like lifting a finger to help?

Remind me again WHY Naruto loves this hypocritical bassackwards village so much?

"No."

No wonder Itachi's enemies always get so impossibly angry whenever they fight with him. That whole emotionless monotone facade is _really_ annoying. And creepy. And disturbing.

"And why, might I ask, does it seem to be such a great idea to h-hold me in the a-air by my n-neck?" I strain to ask, feeling slightly lightheaded as the lack of substantial oxygen begins to do affect my body.

"Because I'm not going to let you keep that Pocky." He stated as an undeniable fact.

Heh. I reckon my attempt at petty pickpocketing didn't go unnoticed. Guess I'm more out of practice than I thought. It has been a few years since I had to work so hard on weekends to... supplement our income after Hope was born.

I meant what I said about Annie being a better and more wonderful person than I ever have been or ever will be. She never asked how I got the money to keep food on the table and a roof over our head when I lost my job. I never told her. As far as she was aware I cashed in what little retirement I'd managed to save up. All that mattered was that the two girls I loved the most had food and a place to live.

"Heh. C-can't slip anything past you h-huh?" I ask with a smile, letting my bo-staff rest against his armpit. I can smell the half-eaten stick of Pocky hanging from his mouth which gave me an even more _insane_ plan than the one that led me to this position in the first place.

"No."

Naruto is NEVER going to let me live this down.

Ever.

When you have no other choices and nothing logical or in any way intelligent can possibly succeed, there becomes only one logical solution to the problem. That which is completely illogical and in NO way intelligent.

Besides, I want ALL of my Pocky back, not just those in the box on my hip.

"I still don't have all of it back you know." I state in a slightly amused voice, unable to believe I'm actually going to do this.

"And you won't keep it either."

I lean forward even more until are noses are are only a hair's breadth apart. More difficult than you'd think considering steel-hand boy is holding me in the air by my neck and I'm fairly certain I'm turning blue. "I wouldn't be so sure about that."

Without giving myself any more time to ponder just how much of a horrible, terrible, utterly stupid and monumentally retarded plan my treacherous bastard of a subconscious came up with really is I acted on it.

I can only imagine how horribly wide his eyes are at the moment, but my entire focus is split between two actions and two actions only.

The first is twisting just slightly on the hidden blade of the bo-staff to eject the hidden chakra blade I'm coming to love nearly as much as my Pocky.

The other is ripping MY POCKY out of the thief's mouth by way of my tongue.

Yeah, you heard me. Fangirls everywhere are dying in droves through jealousy induced aneurisms.

I'm liplocked with a stunned and shocked Uchiha Itachi.

I am SSSOOO going to die. I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die...

I come out of our little battle and chomp down hard on the remains of my Pocky stick with an audible crunch.

"Hmm... I love Pocky."

- 11 - 11 - 11 - 11 -

I can't believe that worked.

No, really. I can't. You gotta understand, of all the characters in the series I've always felt Itachi is like the mofo bad-A of bad-As. Even beyond Pein himself. Itachi, on his deathbed no less, fought Sasuke to a standstill when he was jacked up on Orochi-Juice, the Curse Seal juice, AND at full strength. I'm not exactly a fanboy of Itachi (cause that would be REALLY creepy), but you can deny he's a Grade A, Top Class, S-Ranked, Bad A Mofo! I've always thought the only reason Itachi never hit the SS rank like the Yondaime is because of his pacifistic nature. If Itachi had the gumption to actually USE Shisui's eye and go all Kill Bill on Danzo's stolen eye he probably could have wiped Tobi from the face of the planet even before the time-skip.

Side-Note: I'm SSSOOO calling it Orochi-Juice from now on forever. It sounds SO wrong, yet so appropriate.

That doesn't even touch on the fact that of all the 'so-called' ninjas in the Elemental Nations, Itachi is one of the few non-cannon fodder (*cough*ANBU*cough*) that actually ACTS like a ninja. Sure, it SEEMS like he's fighting you straight up one-on-one, but nope, that was a clone. He was never even there. Nope, that was a genjutsu. He was never there. Oh, you finally managed to kill him? Oops. Nope, that was a body-double weird thing compliments of Sasori. HE WAS NEVER THERE!

So when the naginata blade of my bo-staff shot out and ripped straight through his arm-pit and scraped his forehead, I was honestly as surprised as HE was!

Didn't stop me from jumping back to get the hell away from the little sociopath though.

Pacifistic sociopath. How does that work exactly.

"Bwahahaha! Your face! Oh Kami it hurts."

"Kisame. Shut. Up!" Itachi states coldly, real emotion entering his voice for the first time. Anger to be specific. Definitely anger. Oh joy. I've managed to piss of someone who can rip my heart out through my skull. Heck, he can probably rip my heart out through my big toe. Why am I not more scared right now than I am?

You ever heard the phrase 'Practice what you preach'? I should probably try it. I've spent the last month beating Naruto over the head with the idea of using actual tactics and forethought in battle and the first time I am put in the same type of situation the blonde haired midget always finds himself in, what do I do? Go charging in like an idiot screaming at the top of my lungs.

Anyone who makes a crack about Sailor Moon gets a kunai shoved up their...

"Tch. Asshole." Why thank you Kisame, that was an oddly well-timed statement.

In my defense, the jerk DID steal my Pocky.

I need some sort of diversion to get the heck out of here before Itachi goes all bat-snit crazy on me.

"ITACHI!"

Oh look. The emo-cutter arrived. THAT'S convenient.

I **also** need a huge bag of gold, two big bags of Pocky, and at least eight bags of instant ramen (to keep Naruto away from my Pocky)!

"Hey Itachi, it looks like you've got a stalker. I thought you were the only Uchiha left." Kisame's gravelly voice asked, laden with a condescending and amused tone. "Guess he wants you to finish the job by the looks of it."

"You'll finally pay for everything you've done!" Sasuke shouted at the top of his lungs. I can smell the reeking scent of his chakra from here. My nose really has improved by an impressive amount in times recent. That Curse Seal is disgusting.

I probably look like a dumbass holding my arms out to catch something with an expectant smile on my face while waiting for my summoned riches, but nobody is paying attention to me anymore. Guess there can be perks to the village's hero-worship of the last Uchiha.

"CHIDORI!"

I'll give it another ten or fifteen seconds before I abandon the gold and Pocky as a bad job, but COME ON. Can't deus ex machina toss out something TANGIBLE for once? I pointedly ignore my annoying brain pointing out the manriki in my belt when I got captured, the conveniently placed hollowed out tree, Tazuna's family (Man Tsunami is hot), and the whole ability to FLY thing.

Ow ow ow ow ow OOOOWWW!

One thousand chirruping birds my wrinkled, hairy, pimply butt! That's one thousand OR MORE angry as crap crows baying right in my ears while competing for the honor of pecking my eardrums out! How can that... that... thing POSSIBLY be considered an assassination jutsu!? It's got all the subtly of a ten-ton Mac truck trying to hide in a motor-cross rally!

It's even WORSE when you consider the porcelain shards still lodged in my EYEBALLS that are VIBRATING from the output. Fricking OWWWW!

Even after I stop channeling chakra through my ears the jutsu continues to render my sound-based 'sight' blind as the one and only sound I can hear is the harsh screeching of channeled electricity arcing against the ground and approaching at a relatively slow pace. I take note of just how slowly it seems Sasuke is running because if memory serves the kid is one of the fastest of the Rookie 12 (disregarding the inhuman abilities of Lee) and I know for a fact that Sasuke's gone up against at least a couple of jonins already. Well provided the OVAs actually happened. I should ask Naruto about that.

Please ignore my quasi-geek out in the next moment.

"Foolish little brother."

"He said it! He said it! Hahaha! ... ..." Wait a second. I can still hear the electricity... and its coming this...CRAP!... I dodged left and... AAHH! STOP FOLLOWING ME!

Oh shit.

"MERLIN SODDING BALLS!"

I'm not sure how or why it's his fault, but I blame Naruto for this.

I lit up like a Christmas Tree. Not the normal quaint little home, quaint little family Christmas Tree. Oh no. A more apt comparison would be the guy at the end of the block that has a SERIOUS case of the Jones'es going on and ends up blacking out the whole neighborhood by tying directly into the transformer and blowing up his whole house!

I've touched a transformer before you know. Fallacies of a misspent youth and too much pride when HE tossed out a dare. Having forty-thousand volts of electricity charging through your system like a rampaging hippopotamus has got nothing on the level of excruciating pain currently radiating through my body.

I think I know why so few Shinobi use metal staves and bladed weapons outside of their kunai and senbon.

Upside to wielding a nearly solid metal bo-staff / naginata? I can beat down idiots OR cut them down. It's all a matter of preference really.

Downside to wielding a nearly solid metal AND chakra conductive bo-staff / naginata? I'm a living, breathing, walking, and talking LIGHTNING ROD when its in my hands!

I can only thank Kami and Inari that the first touch of Sasuke's jutsu disrupted my chakra control enough to dislodge the wakizashi and katana glued to my hip; instead of a competing current criss-crossing my body between two hunks of metal I only really dealt with the bleed-off of the electricity along my staff grounded to the Earth.

Fortunately, said staff is currently being held in my _right_ hand, which is why I'm fairly certain I felt my heart stop for about a second instead of just exploding altogether.

"Tsukuyomi."

The world came back into focus for half a second (relatively) at the same time I heard Itachi's dull voice echo out from half a pace in front of where Sasuke's jutsu decided to arc my direction.

Knowing exactly what was going on in between Itachi and Sasuke at the very moment, I leapt forward and did the only thing I could think of to break the technique before the moronic Uchiha managed to add a second dose of PTSD to his own younger brother.

I REALLY need to practice what I preach.

Crashing headlong into the highly unstable and potentially psychotic criminal to save an equally unstable soon-to-be criminal seems like the height of stupidity in my mind.

Kisame agreed completely and he expressed said sentiments by way of slicing a good chunk of my rear-end off. Probably would have shredded my back as well had I not heard the whistle of his swinging sword at the last second and bent my back forward in a way I'm fairly certain it isn't meant to.

Screw this.

Its time to get the heck outta Dodge.

I altered my trajectory (aka: I turned) and grabbed the little uke-cutter before running as fast as I can while charging up my chakra. A shadow clone shot off to the side (to pickup my rather expensive daisho pair after the Dangerous Duo leave) and without any further hesitation, I blasted off.

Naruto better appreciate this.

Ten minutes later I wanted to seriously start bashing my head into the sides of the buildings I'm currently flying over. Can nothing EVER be simple for me in this whacked out world?

I escaped easily enough, probably managed to surprise Kisame and Itachi with my unexpected 'flight' to get away. I hope. With the way my luck has been going in the last hour or so, Itachi's probably calmly sitting on a roof watching my dubious progress in flying around the village like the blind dumbass I am.

The only problem is the guy I planned on using as a pair of eyes happens to be comatose.

He's also HEAVY. Seriously, what kind of equipment does the Uchiha keep hidden in those girly clothes of his. I mean really, what kind of girly-boy runs around in a blouse and calls it a tshirt? Much less something acceptable for combat.

Considering his body scent is 'Peaches and Creme,' I'm leaning towards being right on my estimation of Sas-Uke's sexual preferences.

Think. Think. Think.

Ugh. I can already feel the chakra drain starting. That means I've already used up at least a quarter of my chakra. Not good.

The Hokage's Tower! Its right in front of the mountain, which I can HEAR, right in the center of the village!

Speaking of. WHERE IS EVERYONE!? First time I flew I had that Hawk-masked ANBU...

"Inuzuka-san," a _very_ familiar robotic voice called out from behind me accompanied by the distinct sound of flapping wings.

WHERE IS MY BAG OF MONEY!?

"Are you alright?" The ANBU asked, repeating the _exact_ same words from a month prior when I first found myself trapped in this hellish universe.

Hmm... No bag of money. Darn. Oh well, when the deus ex starts up...

"Thank KAMI somebody showed up. I'm going to set down on your hawk, and you are going to take me as fast as you _possibly_ can to the Hokage's Tower."

"Very well Inuzuka-san. And Uchiha-sama?" His robotically altered voice asked.

"Uchiha-SAMA?" I stated incredulously as the two of us crash down rather unsteadily on the back of HAWK's summon. "What the hell Hawkman? I get 'san' and the self-important duck-butt gets 'SAMA'? Sheesh. No respect. Anyway, duck-butt is probably in a perma-coma until we can get Tsunade here. He needs the Hospital."

"Very well."

That's a relief.

You have NO idea how drafty it is to fly around with pants having no butt-cheeks on them.

Considering what I just did to Itachi and my opinions on whether Sasuke bats for the other team, I'd really rather not get a 'reputation' that is unjustly deserved.

I love boobs and by Kami I always will.

11 - 11 - 11 - 11 -

We're going to skip the rather LONG debriefing where the ANBU Commander, the Sandaime, Jiraiya, Naruto, Shikamaru, Tenten, Raido, Asuma, Kurenai, and at least six other people called me all kinds of a dumbass.

I think Gai was there, but naturally I attempt to block out any and _all_ interactions with the Ambiguously Gay Duo from my memory banks. That outfit is even creepier in person. You DO know they freeball right?

Eww...

Apparently the show-down of Hatake, Asuma, and Kurenai versus Itachi and Kisame happened again (while I was free-flying over the mountain top), though they seemed confused about my claims to have injured Itachi. He bore neither injury nor blood when they faced off, which seriously sucks.

Ugh. Fifty ryo says all I managed to nail was a shadow clone. One of these days I'll be able to make more than a handful of them, I swear it on Naruto's grave.

Blink. Well I'm not going to swear it on MY grave, now am I? What would happen if I don't succeed? Should I repeat it for you again? I don't want to die, simple as that.

Their admonishments had absolutely NO effect after having to give a FULL debriefing on _exactly_ what happened to the assembled group.

Tenten's presence just added injury to the insult. I have a feeling the old wind bag knew exactly what happened to me in the middle of that street. Considering Naruto couldn't stop giggling when I arrived, I'm betting the old man used that peeping ball of his to see why I had Tenten drag Naruto to the Hokage's Tower.

I finally got annoyed with all the not-so-subtle comments about my sexual preferences and leapt out the window for the house without even waiting for a dismissal.

Four hours (and a wounded puppy) later and here we are.

"I still say it isn't fair." Naruto pouted for at least the fifteenth time. "And you should be wearing it! With PRIDE!" He continued in admonishment, again for at least the fifteenth time.

"If I recall..." I drawled out slowly, spinning my bo-staff while stretching out my limbs to ensure I'm fully limber, "I am _not_ wearing a sign that says 'I'm a higher rank, please kill me.' Besides, that thing constricts movement way too much." I might have come out of the scuffle with Kisame and Itachi with minimal injuries (except my pride and my trousers), but Sasuke's jutsu left a crick in my neck and back that just won't go away.

Bark. 'Gee, it wouldn't happen to have anything to do with your man-pooch sticking out under the bottom of the vest would it fat-ass?'

Ignore that. Stupid runt. Why did I decide to bring Akamaru along again?

Oh right. Comedic relief.

Naruto's face scrunched up as he conceded the point (I think). I know why he's upset. Honestly, he's got a justifiable reason to be ticked off. Unfortunately the fact of the matter is that, with the singular exception of the Third Task when he faced Neji and the Invasion, Naruto didn't manage to show the skills necessary to be considered for a chunin promotion. Might have managed it if the Invasion didn't disrupt the entire Exams, but such is life sometimes.

Heck, getting my vest is probably more of a field promotion than anything in recognition of my actions leading up to the Invasion. That and I know for a fact that the minimum rank for ANBU is chunin. Considering the Hokage recognized me (at least for a short period) as acting ANBU, the old fart probably gave me a promotion just to have less paperwork to deal with in letting a genin act as ANBU without having to draw up charges.

Jiraiya remained quite as the three of us headed down the road, content to let Naruto's 'senpai' deal with the fall-out of the chibi-Yondaime clone not getting his promotion for, and I quote, 'Being the most badass awesome super ninja to ever grace the Chunin Exams with my amazing self, -ttabayo!'. He is _so_ useless as a sensei sometimes.

After a few more minutes of silence, I finally sighed and tried to put my thoughts into some sort of coherence to explain to Naruto why he didn't get the promotion. More importantly, what he needs to do next time he makes the attempt.

"Kohai. What is the most important attribute of a good chunin?" I ask, smiling slightly when he didn't automatically go into a rant about having amazing jutsus or kicking butt.

A few minutes later, along with the distinct sound of scratching from the back of his neck, Naruto finally answered. An answer I very much approve of by the way. You have NO idea how many times I clonked him over the head during the first few days in this world (and I imagine my clone continued as well) to get it through his thick skull that admitting ignorance isn't weakness.

Well, except during battle, around spies, both of his current senseis, most of the villagers, every sensei with the exception of Iruka at the Academy, both of his current team-mates, and... Well pretty much everyone except the Sandaime, Iruka, the ANBU-Ramen Duo, and myself. Maybe Gai-sensei and Lee if he ever interacts with them.

"I don't know Aniki..." Naruto muttered, clearly embarrassed to admit such, despite the rapid strides he's made over the last forty days.

Hearing Jiraiya's snort just ticked me off a little bit. "Shut it Pervy Sage or I tell Tsunade you were peeping on her in the hot springs again when we find her."

Thankfully he just grumbled and moved farther ahead down the road. I'm so giving him a HUGE Guilt Trip no Jutsu soon about Naruto's younger life. Once I manage to figure out what he meant by the whole 'What is chakra?' question. Its still bugging me to no end.

"Anyway. Good answer. If you don't know, what should you do?"

"Find out?" Good kohai.

"Right. Take the First Exam for example."

"Ya... What about it?" He asked defensively, his heartbeat quickening slightly. I conked him again. "Oww! What gives Aniki?!"

"Attitude brat. A shinobi is in control of himself! Stop getting insulted over every little thing."

"Yeah, but..." Conk. "Okay! Okay! I get it! I get it!" He doesn't really. For some reason (probably my week-long shadow clone) I feel like we've gone through that particular song and dance at least a dozen times.

He'll get it. Eventually. Maybe.

"Good. Now. Who had the information to answer all those questions during the first exam?"

Naruto muttered grumpily. Cute kid.

"Hmm...?"

"I said... Everybody else."

"Right. And why didn't you TAKE that information from them?" I asked curiously, still unsure after all these years why he didn't just accept Hinata's help or even use a shadow clone to steal the answers.

He shuffled for a minute in silence, probably still not used to people taking him seriously after all this time. Cute kid. Horrible social graces. Not that mine are much better. "Um... I didn't want to fail." He mumbled.

I nodded sagely, rather enjoying my 'senpai' moment. Say what you will about how crappy the pay always is (in this case, heh, millions of ryo), but there's something fundamentally satisfying about being a mentor or teacher.

"Now, I want you to think about the test from a different angle." I smirk, knowing how he'll react to this. "Specifically rule three of the rules of life." These mind you are a different set of rules than those of the Shinobi Rules of Life, or the Unwritten Man Code.

Rule One for the Rules of Life is the most important. "Don't take life too seriously, its not like you're going to get out of it alive."

My smirk grows feral when I hear the old pervert (the one we're currently traveling with) stiffen slightly. Somebody's listening in. I wonder if he'll actually have the cojones to ask me what the rules are, just so he at least knows a little more about Naruto's rather elongated life-rules.

Rule Two of the Rules of Life is the most annoying, but something you just kinda have to suck up and deal with. "In this world nothing can be certain except death and taxes." of which I tend to add my own addendum, "And I'm not 100% certain about death."

The cartilage in Naruto's nose crunches together, which means he's trying to remember the rule. I've thrown a lot of them at his recently so I'm not surprised he's having trouble remembering. Kami Almighty it's going to be hell trying to teach the kid politics. With any luck I'll have found my way home before that and just leave it to Shikamaru or something.

Three.

"Rule three... That's. Something about taxes... No wait... That's two..."

Two.

"Rule. Oh. Oh!"

One.

"OH MAN! I could've... then I could have... OH and I could have!"

Heh. And there's the energetic little ball of devious caffeine supercharged biologically induced speed addict we've all come to know and love.

"OH MAN! Why didn't anybody TELL ME!?"

Rule Three and arguably the most important rule in the Rules of Life. "Life is a joke on the Universe, keep it that way and have fun. Prank on."

I conked him again to bring the little blighter back down to a volume that won't rupture my ear-drums. "You tell me."

"Err... Huh?"

"You tell me. Why didn't anyone tell you what you should have done?"

"Um... Because they wanted us to figure it out for ourselves?" He stated / asked, confusion and uncertainty laden in his voice.

"Ding ding!" I cry out cheerily, getting an amused snort from the sssooo not listening Pervy Sage. "Give the kid a cookie. They wanted to see how well you could think for yourself!"

That said, I did actually give him a cookie. Well a couple of sticks of Pocky anyway. I'm awesome like that. Carrot and the stick you know?

"So then. What is the most important trait they look for in chunin?"

"Well... Scar-Face said..."

Clonk.

"What the heck Aniki!?"

"THINK BRAT! He is a ninja! THEY are ninja! Would they really come out and tell you what they were testing you on?"

"Well why NOT!?" He screamed out indignantly, his arms creating noticeable air waves as he flailed them around for emphasis. Kinda wasted on me (as far as HE knows) considering I'm BLIND at the moment.

I face-palm, pointedly ignoring the sharp stabby pain behind my eyes from left-over porcelain shards. "THINK!" I swear we can't get to the old hag soon enough for my sanity.

Ugh. Now he's gonna pout. Just great.

"They... um... wanted us to think?" Naruto said, making a second statement slash query in as many minutes.

Jiraiya froze. I froze.

Naruto shuffles.

BY KRISHNA'S GRACE I LOVE INUZUKA CLAN SENSES!

"THAT..." I say with a wide, proud smile, "is EXACTLY the right answer!"

"So then! Keeping that in mind, WHY didn't you make Chunin?"

The old pervert busts out laughing.

This is roughly the time where our conversation took a noticeable downturn.

By the time we settled down to make camp that night, both Naruto and Jiraiya had noticeable bulges on their thick skulls and my patience ended up drawn about as taunt as a high-wire being walked on by the Juggernaut.

Hmm. I should probably try and make more DC references instead of just keeping it to Marvel and Superman. I mean, there are SO many Flash jokes I can make without _anybody_ getting the reference when I make fun of them.

- 11 - 11 - 11 - 11 -

Kami I'm starting to love this bo-staff.

I might not be able to keep up with Naruto any more (even weighted down with twice the weight I am), but at least I can keep the midget at bay.

"Rasengan!"

Crap! With a spin, the staff hit my back and stuck there even as visible chakra starts gathering in my hands. I REALLY hope my crappy half-assed jutsu can stand up Naruto's almost fully formed Rasengan.

"Explody Hands!"

CRUMPT!

The ground FORMERLY in front of Naruto explodes all over the place when Naruto hit a stupor at my jutsu's name, tripped, and blasted himself back into the air with previously mentioned mostly formed Rasengan.

"What the crap Aniki! That jutsu name is so LAME!"

I break down laughing, our spar most certainly at an end with that non sequitur. The chakra from my jutsu dissipates harmlessly and I end up leaning on my staff for support. My eyes feel like they are on fire and I wonder for a second if its possibly to actually hurt yourself laughing.

"Well it is!" Naruto decried indignantly.

Bark. 'Kid's right.' Akamaru chipped in, adding in his two ryo.

Bark. 'You suck at naming jutsus.'

"I know. I SO know it is." I chuckled, for once amused by the little meat-pie's dry wit instead of annoyed.

Without commenting further, I approached one of the trees nearby and charged one of my hands with chakra. "EXPLODY HANDS!" I yelled out and punched the tree...

CRUMPT!

...blowing a five foot deep hole in it in the process.

I love explosions.

"WHOA..." Naruto said with no small amount of awe in his voice. I don't blame him. My jutsu may SOUND like it got developed by somebody riding the special bus, but that doesn't reduce the sheer destructive power therein.

"How come you didn't teach me THAT!"

I laughed. "Well, cause its MY jutsu!" I shot back with a smile. "I'll probably teach the runt of the liter over there one day so we can use it in collaboration, but the Rasengan's better for your power and skill-set." Can you IMAGINE a Fang Over Fang that blows up anything the point touches.

"Um... How come?" I can just picture his confused frown.

"Easy! WHAT is the Kyuubi?"

Silence.

Wait for it...

"What does the dumb FURBALL have to do with anything!?"

Clonk.

"Show some respect brat!" Eww. This one's gonna be touchy.

"Whaddya mean show respect? To who?"

"The Kyuubi. That's who."

Silence.

Yeah. That went over like a fart in church.

I heaved a sigh (which I seem to be doing a lot of lately) and motioned back towards camp with my staff. This probably won't be a pleasant conversation, but now that the subject has actually crossed my mind, I want to address it here and now.

It's a good thing Jiraiya's off in town doing his 'research'.

Once we were both seated I lit a smoke (ignoring Akamaru's whining bark about the smell) and leaned against my pack pensively. Again, how to phrase a sensitive topic for a thirteen year old with a hair trigger personality and a penchant for jumping to self-deprecating conclusions about his own inadequacies (which he then tries to hide through sheer exuberance and a nearly inexhaustible stamina).

"How old are you Naruto?"

"Thirteen. Why?"

"So, one tenth of your life would be say... A year and a few months, right?"

"Um... Yeah. I guess so."

"So imagine if a years and a few months ago, around say the time you started your last year at the Academy, someone grabbed you, threw a genjutsu at you, then by the time you came to you were locked up in a tiny, tiny cage with no sound, no light, no companions, and no friends. Alone. All alone. For years."

I could hear Naruto swallow thickly. If anyone can imagine what Kurama's gone through in the last century, it is definitely Naruto.

"Don't pity him."

"Huh?"

"Do YOU want pity?" I ask coldly, abandoning subtly to get my point across.

"Well no, but..."

"Then don't pity him. Respect him."

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!?"

Clonk. Damn I love this staff. I would throw in a glare as well to get him to shit up and listen, but that's difficult when your eyes are buried under a hat under sunglasses under bandages.

"THINK Kohai! Use your brain! I didn't say you had to LIKE him. I didn't say you had to be friends with him. But you damn well should RESPECT him!"

"How can I?!" Naruto seemed semi-stable, but I wouldn't put a small breakdown past him at this point. There's a reason the kid attempts to avoid these kinds of conversations. "It's his fault! All my life, everything I've been through! It's all his fault!"

"Is it?" I ask him pointedly. "Is it really?"

"Well yeah, if it wasn't for him..." Naruto trailed off and I could only guess some of the thoughts plaguing my kohai. Guess would be all. Jiraiya, and even Sasuke, might be able to emphasize with Naruto, but I grew up with both my parents in a relatively stable home. Thankfully they both even got the chance to meet their granddaughter before a drunk driver took them from us. We weren't rich or anything, but there was never a shortage of love in my life.

Ugh. Recent experiences not-withstanding.

"Let me tell you a story and afterwards maybe you can understand him a little more. Again, I'm not asking you to like him or even get along with him, but at the very least you should respect your tenant."

I took Naruto's silence as permission to continue.

"Have you ever walked through an ant pile?"

He shivered noticeably. "Yeah."

"So imagine if you will that you've lived for upwards of nine hundred years." As I'm saying this, I try and draw a stick figure Naruto in the dirt. I have NO idea how good it looks like or if the arms and legs even match up, but its the thought that counts. "Now, during your life and travels you come across ant hills randomly, but lets he honest. They're ants. Who cares? An annoyance to be sure, but nothing more."

"So um... We're the ants?"

"Yes, but let me finish my story."

"So after a few centuries, the ants start building more complicated ant piles and even start killing each other for no apparent reason. You probably STILL really don't care. I mean, why would you? Ants killing each other is certainly odd, but who cares."

After I hear his nod, I continue. "But then something... strange happens. An ant appears that is so different than other ants. THIS ant is annoying enough that he manages to temporarily KILL one of your siblings. No long-term damage mind you, because you're immortal. Your sibling reforms and the only real change is you and your siblings become a little more wary of the ants. But now the ants are getting to be EVERYWHERE. You can't even find a good place to sleep because eventually the ants start showing up and biting you.

"Now here's where the game changes. You're around nine hundred years old and two VERY different ants rise to power. One has the power to literally COMMAND your siblings, but you're too powerful for him. You are THE most powerful and THE oldest being on the very PLANET. Unfortunately, this ant has a friend with a strange power. The power to hypnotize YOU! When you come to, something is wrong. You are strapped down inside a tiny piece of a tiny ant.

"For nearly a tenth of your life, almost a HUNDRED years, you remain trapped. A prisoner among the ants. Then you find out that ALL of your siblings, your family, are treated the same. But whereas YOU are made to sleep and relatively comfortable, every other member of your family is now being used as living weapons.

"Jinchurki."

"Like Gaara..." Naruto whispered morosely, obviously understanding just what evils mankind has committed.

"Like Gaara. Then, for no reason at all, freedom! Freedom after almost sixty years and in the very heart of the very ant hill where you were held captive!"

I pause here to let him think about the implications of Kyuubi's unscheduled release thirteen years prior.

"Now..." I start after a protracted silence, "Now you fight back. Maybe if you can kill the ants FIRST then they won't imprison you again. What would you have done?"

"I... I..." Naruto knew what he would do, but he didn't want to admit it. If he admitted it then could he really keep holding Kurama responsible for the incident on the day of his birth? No. He couldn't.

After giving him a few more minutes to process my words, I speak again. "Now I'm not saying that is exactly what happened. If you want the details on what happened the day you were born there's only one person, one BEING, that I can think of to tell you. Maybe one day you'll respect each other enough and Kyuubi will tell you what really happened that night.

"Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm not. The point is..." I sigh heavily and the now crying jinchuriki up in a fierce hug. "The point is, YOU are in charge of YOUR destiny. No one else. Yes, your life sucked. Now YOU have to make it better."

He breaks down into sobs.

It's a touching moment. Believe it or not, anime cliche or not, cherry blossoms actually start falling on the ground around us. Awesome.

Oddly enough, no-one actually interrupts the moment.

When Naruto stumbled unsteadily to the edge of the clearing to go for a walk hours, I thought of one last piece of advice to offer him.

"RULE THREE KOHAI!"

Ten minutes later I realize I never actually told the kid _why_ the Rasengan is better for him than my Explody Hands.

That means I have to have _another_ damn lesson with him.

"DAMNIT!"

Giving it up as a bad job, I dig out my pack of cigarettes to lean back and relax.

Only when I was certain Naruto wasn't anywhere in hearing range did I let out the moan I'd been holding back since midway through our spar and gingerly lift up the mesh shirt and gingerly prodding the massive purple, black, and green bruise on my side.

That little runt kicks like an acme brick to the face.

Now its time to start back on my OWN training.

With a heavy puff, I lean back to enjoy the feel of the slight breeze across my cheeks. The scent of cherry blossoms and smoke mixing caused a bittersweet (and painful) watering to gather in my bandages.

_Annie, what the hell am I doing here?_

11 - 11 - 11 - 11 -


	12. Getting AHead

Disclaimer: I'd like to own Naruto, but then you wouldn't ever see another chapter of this story.

**NOTE**: There are some religious references made in this Chapter. Any and all religious views expressed herein are not necessarily the views of the Author and I can honestly state I will completely ignore any and all criticisms concerning them. This is FICTION. A STORY.

Deal with it.

Oh, and on another side-note, Naruto's grammar is horribly terribad. This I know. I left it that way on purpose. He's an only semi-literate fourteen year old who hated school with a passion only rivaled by his love of ramen.

- 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 - Getting A-Head

What is chakra?

After giving Naruto the day off (mostly so my kohai didn't know about just how badly he kicked my ass the day before), I did something I randomly thought about back on Terra Prima. A place I haven't really thought about since the Invasion, which upsets me greatly now that I think about it. Pervy Sage is still out 'researching' and hasn't come back since yesterday morning. Probably passed out with a hooker or something.

Side-Note: How is that man not dead?

How _exactly_ did shinobi determine what their chakra natures were before the creation of chakra paper?

What is chakra?

In front of me on a table sat a lit candle, a bowl of water, a small electric fan, and a pile of sand. I couldn't even begin to decide how in the hell ninja figured out or even _used_ Raiton chakra prior to the creation of electricity. Frankly it didn't make any sense at all.

Earth. Fire. Wind. Water.

The four parts of existence which form the basis for everything.

What is chakra?

Spirit.

Yin and Yang.

Hmm... Isn't Pein's... ... No, stop. Focus. Come back to that.

Breathing deeply, I slowly relaxed and pooled my chakra in either hand. Its just like the tree-walking and water walking exercise. Its simple.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Focusing first on the water, I immersed my chakra through the liquid as thoroughly as I possibly could. Seeping my energy into the water filling the bowl I placed my hand a few inches over the bowl and willed the water to lift slowly.

It felt... strange.

The water reacted with my chakra and my chakra reacted with the water.

It still felt like flexing a muscle, but now so much... MORE. The sweat on my skin. The spit in my mouth. The liquid in my eyes. The blood in my veins. I could feel it all... humming with my chakra.

A split second later I lost control of the heady feeling and the water splashed back down into the bowl.

Test one complete.

Second I moved to the sand. First man swam in the Water of the oceans. Then man walked on the Earth.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Again chakra slowly seeped out of my fingertips, the feeling (disgustingly) similar to flexing my butt to take a dump. I'm sorry, but I can't think of any better way to describe it without being even _more_ vulgar (and x rated). I controlled the muscle. It isn't my arm, my leg, or even my fingers and toes, but it is a muscle I control nonetheless.

Slowly my chakra fills the pile of dirt until I can almost _feel_ every grain of sand. Hundreds of them, all within a relatively small bowl. I can feel my muscles writhing and twisting within my body. I can feel my skin flexing and stretching along my body. I can feel the creak and groan of my bones growing, breaking down, and healing. I can feel the steady thumping of my heart.

Again, it lasts only a split second before my control falters and the chakra disburses.

Test two complete. Either I have two chakra natures, or there is no such thing.

Believe it or not, I'm actually leaning towards no such thing.

Third the most volatile, the most important. If Air provides the breath of life, then Fire provides the spark. That which _lives_ must have some warmth. Some Fire. Even the bacteria swimming and living in the depths of the Arctic move, create friction, create heat, create Fire.

The spark of life. I cup my hands on either side of the candle I lit previously and start seeping out my chakra.

You didn't think I was going to touch it did you? That shit burns!

I could feel the candle, the wick, even the stand the candle sat on, but the Fire didn't react to my chakra in the slightest. It was like a void to my senses, not even there.

It was... IS... infuriating! I even went back and tested the bowl of water and the pile of sand again, connecting with both in only a few minutes each time. Yet when I try to 'feel' the flame of the candle, nothing.

Is it because of that Avatar episode that keeps bouncing in my brain? Am I afraid of the idea of harnessing the flames? Is it because of chakra affinities? Can I not use Fire because I can use Earth and Water? So then are chakra affinities real?

I don't... I CAN'T believe that!

In frustration I reach out to at least touch the flame and hope my chakra will keep me from getting burnt fingers.

"Heh heh... Hehe... Bwahahaha..."

The concentration (and the moment) broken, I just flopped back to relax for a second. The effort of focusing my raging chakra being more mentally taxing than anything physical. Sort of like the stress during mid-terms. You just have to focus on that one thing and that one thing alone. To which I respond as I did during mid-term days and light a cigarette with a relaxed sigh.

My hand brushes the candle-stick and I broke down laughing again.

When Naruro showed up twenty minutes later, he probably thought I'd managed to go off the deep end or something because I kept cracking up randomly.

The candle had burned itself out.

- 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 -

Naruto proved to be a natural.

With, you guessed it, Wind chakra.

Ticked me off too because he broke the fan while I played with the lit candle. Well maybe not pissed off, but I certainly got annoyed.

His clone should be buying a second one presently then catch up. If all goes swimmingly we should reach Tanzaku Gai in a couple of days. I wonder whether Orochi-pedo will show up. Never did get the details of how the fight ended after I blasted the hell out of there to get to Tenten.

Stupid 'classified' information. How can I make plans to screw up everyone else's plans if I don't know what's going on. The anime and manga touched on how close the Sennin were in their lives, but seeing it in action is something else.

Wanna see emo-Jiraiya? Ask him about the fight where Orochi-pedo tried to kill the Sandaime. It's hilarious.

My clone is currently regurgitating Asuma's advice on how to channel wind chakra through weapons. It seemed to help Naruto learn the basics in the anime, so hopefully my clone can make it happen.

I DID actually manage to connect with the wind as we walked, but with a great deal more difficulty. I can't tell if it was because the wind kept spirally away (making it difficult to seep my chakra into the air) or because of the annoying phrase called 'chakra affinities'. I'm leaning towards the former. As the great philosopher Heraclitus once said (back on Terra Prima), 'You could not step twice into the same river; for the waters are ever flowing around you.' Considering the walking world is basically an ocean of air and sky, the analogy seems even more appropriate. Naruto doesn't seem to have having the same trouble because he takes an even more unique view of chakra than I do.

In Naruto's eyes, if he trains hard enough he can do anything with his chakra. Anything but genjutsu that is.

With all the different chakra natures, affinities, and skills across the Elemental Nations, it just doesn't make that ONLY kekkai genkai users can (for example) use Ice Release.

Biology doesn't work like that.

Sure, Haku might have it EASIER when trying to manipulate and create Ice, but with the right combination of Fire, Water, and Air theoretically anyone should be able to create and manipulate Ice with enough training. Isn't that what the Snow-nin did in the first OVA? It can't all have been their suits since they could mentally control the changes and output of the ice jutsus.

Normally I would tell you to go look up thermodynamics to figure out how and why 'Fire' chakra transformation is necessary, but talking about it might help lead me on in my thoughts of 'What is chakra?'.

What is refrigeration? Believe it or not, with the exception of the ancient 'ice block coolers', modern refrigeration is a HEATING process, not a 'cooling' one. Whether it be ammonia or Freon, the process actually takes the heat OUT of the air and redistributes it. If you've ever felt the hot air blasting out the backside of a window unit air conditioner, the process is similar.

Thus creating Ice chakra isn't a matter of 'cooling' the water while shaping it, by removing the heat while doing so.

In case you are wondering, yes I fully intend to find out if I can recreate Hyoton abilities. Haku was a badass (for his age).

Which leads me to my most recent experiment... err... theorizing while we draw nearer to Tanzaku Gai.

What are the steps Sasuke uses to create those giant fireballs?

To create fire, or really any heat, requires three things.

First is fuel. In the case of jutsu, the fuel must obviously be chakra. The more chakra 'poured' into the jutsu, the larger the results. Wasting chakra, as Naruto is so often wont to do, would then come from not correctly changing the chakra into a burnable fuel source. Thus the 'wasted' chakra would more accurately be labeled as 'unrefined' instead of wasted. So the chakra must be something that 'burns' easily, like gas, wood, or even fertilizer.

Second is oxygen. The combustion process requires oxygen (or something similar such as hydrogen) to combine with the fuel at the right levels to burn. The reason so few gas stations explode, despite how many people smoke while pumping their gas, is because the main fuel tanks underground have little to no oxygen. Once the oxygen burns away, nor more chance of a fire. In theory, ninja probably have no trouble or even ever consider the oxygen requirement for fire because there is always an excess of oxygen when they fight. This would also explain why so many so-called fire jutsus are yellow or orange instead of white or blue.

The last and more important piece of the puzzle is the catalyst. That which makes the fire 'ignite' and come alive. The spark. There is no such thing, believe it or not, as spontaneous combustion. What really happens is that two chemicals with different 'flash points' are intermixed. Chemical 'A' gathers heat when sitting in one place without proper cooling. Chemical 'B' burns at a much lower temperature than chemical A. As chemical A heats up, chemical B begins to smolder. Heat attracts heat which leads to both chemical A and chemical B becoming hotter and hotter. As the electrons bounce around between the two, eventually they move fast enough to create a very tiny spark. But nothing happens at first. Eventually though, MANY of these tiny sparks happen all at once and a true 'fire' starts.

Now that I'm certain I have a good idea of the mechanics involved, its time to test my theory...

With both palms pointed down the road, I concentrate on pooling two different fuel sources in each hand. In my left hand, the air. I pull it in and funnel it in and through my chakra, slowly condescending it in a manner similar to the Rasengan. In my right hand I focus on the idea of fuel. Nothing concrete, just that which will BURN. Magnesium. Petroleum. Propane. Wood. Methane.

Everything burns when it gets hot enough.

Maintaining my focus, I cup my hands slowly with my palms still pointed down the road. Now for the catalyst. The two chakra pools begin melding together slowly, mixing and churning as I focus on my chakra churning and rubbing together.

Friction.

A spark.

Fbbbtt...

The hint if burnt skin reaches my nose only milliseconds before the SMELL.

It's so horrible. Like the Bog of Stench from the Labyrinth, only fifty times WORSE! Like eight Tsume's in the same room.

"Yip!"

"Holy shit Aniki! What did you EAT!?"

"..."

Let's call that experiment a partial success.

It did however give me another train of thought to follow on my quest for 'What is chakra?'. When ninja make elemental jutsu, they have to change their intangible chakra into something tangible. Kisame and the giant pools of water comes to mind.

I know I'm nearing a breakthrough... I just can't quite grasp it. Lee and the Eight Gates. Kisame and creating water. Naruto and Shadow Clones. Sasuke and fuel for Fireballs. My own experiment and (disgustingly enough) pure methane and sulfur.

What am I missing?

- 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 -

"Does anybody smell smoke?"

"Yeah, its coming from that direction." Naruto said, presumably pointing off in a general direction. If we were closer together, I probably could have felt from the wind plus the shifting sound where exactly his arm pointed, but with a good dozen and a half yards between us, all I do is get annoyed.

"OH!" I shout loudly. "I SEE! THAT LOOKS SERIOUS!"

Toph, eat your heart out.

"Think we should look into it?" Naruto asked seriously.

Oblivious.

At least Jiraiya snorted.

I'm calling it a win.

"We ARE on a mission gaki." Jiraiya pointed out logically.

"But what if people need help NOW!?" Naruto shouted at the top of his lungs. I winced and scratched at my poor abused ears. The avians in the forestland were obviously startled, as each and every bird in the area burst into an unplanned flight.

"Why don't you send a few dozen shadow clones then kohai? We can keep moving, you can play hero. Everybody wins."

True to form, Naruto didn't actually ask Jiraiya's permission before thirty blonde-haired, orange-clad blue-eyed boys blasted into the air at high speed. I've been working on the whole 'command structure' and 'following instruction' thing with Naruto, but its still a work in progress.

Kid probably thought since I suggested it as his 'senpai' _and_... oh, right.

I'm a chunin now aren't I?

I guess he did technically get a superior's permission.

I'll call that one a win.

Well, I called it a win until Naruto has a spasmistic freak-out and blasts off in the direction of the smoke. Little brat didn't even bother to mention _why_ he felt himself being needed there or for what reason he felt he needed to leave.

Why does this just scream OVA to me?

Jiraiya just huffs and keeps walking, giggling every once in a while as he scribbles in his little notebook.

Kami above that man makes the rest of us perverts look bad. At least when I write I keep my perversions to myself. The only other people who know about said perversions are those that actually read what I've written. Or something. Well, maybe not, I can't say I've ever actually written any of my truly perverted thoughts.

Brat's going to get me killed one day.

Heaving a heavy sigh, I turn and blast off in the same direction my kohai just left with a smile on my face. I left Akamaru with the pervert. Those two get on like a house on fire.

Naruto might be a chakra and ninjutsu powerhouse, but the flight is _my_ move. It didn't take but a few seconds to catch up to my fast-moving friend. He might be a faster flyer, but I've been flying a heck of a lot longer. Especially when you count in how often I flew in my dreams.

With how thick the trees and forests are paired with the Inuzuka hearing, navigating the massive maze of branches, leaves, and the random woodland animal takes no time at all.

I even manage to nab some sort of small bird on the way to cook up for dinner later. One neck pop and the little critter is unceremoniously shoved into my supply pouch, feathers and all. My more logical, sanitary side has taken a hit in recent weeks. Eating blood-soaked, fungus covered ration bars will do that to you. Well, to me at any rate.

I shoot a grin in the general direction I could hear Naruto flying in, reining in my curiosity on what exactly is going on through the simple fact that we're both flying far too quickly to hear each other over the raging winds around us.

Landing alongside Naruto, I pump a huge amount of chakra through my ears to try and paint a picture of exactly what it is I'm 'seeing'.

The small village held at least two or three dozen houses surrounded by a massive wooden fence.

Keyword there?

The village HELD at least two or three dozen houses. Now I can only hear the crumbling burning remains of most of them. At best only five or ten still stood.

What piqued my interest is the massive gates on either side of the village are closed. Considering how wide-spread the fire is raging around me (though the dozens of Naruto's I can feel running around are at least helping), which means the cause of this fire has to be some sort of vandalism.

Thinking about my failed experiment the day before gave me an idea.

I walked up to the nearest burning structure and pulled the bo-staff from my back. Spinning the staff slowly, I started to channel my chakra down the length of the smoothly balanced metal.

Too little oxygen and the fire cannot exist. Too much oxygen and the fire cannot combust, thus being smothered. Refrigeration is a heating process that results in cooling.

The staff spins faster and faster as my chakra leaks out to create a funnel leading from the tip of my spinning staff up into the air and over the edge of the house.

It may have been a few seconds, or even a few hours later, but I could feel the flames start mixing in with my chakra as well, the heat ripping out of the house and spiraling into the sky.

Just like with my experimentation in the last town between the Water and Earth, I could feel the Fire as I connected with it. I could feel the warmth spreading through my body. I could feel the snapping, twisting, churning friction of my muscles. I can feel the heat radiating from my liver and the pumping of my kidneys (a VERY strange sensation, but at least I know Kiba kept both his kidneys growing up).

More importantly, I can _feel_ ALL of the fire in the village. Like a geothermal map in my brain. The entire village lit up to my senses like an uncomfortable weird three dimensional, three-hundred and sixty degree thermal scan. Even some of the wind currents in the air above appear hazily on the fringes of my senses.

Oh, that box of puppies is SO about to die. No way I'm gonna mention their presence to Naruto or his clones. Acceptable losses and all that.

My head starts pounding from the information overload, but it gives me an idea.

Jumping to the village center, I started spinning my bo-staff in a manner that I can only describe as something straight out of Avatar: The Last Air Bender to form a chakra vacuum in the air a few feet above my head.

With each swing, my chakra levels drop and a funnel linked with one of the house fires. With each swing I _pull_ on the flames and rip a line of churning yellow, red, and even blue into the glowing fireball above my head.

By the tenth swing, I can feel my chakra burning in my coils. By fifteen it starts to feel like another dose of peroxide is being dumped in my system and my staff begins glowing white-hot, though thankfully the staff didn't burn my hands for some reason. At twenty I knew my limit and with one more mighty swing I sent the fireball arcing high into the air above my head. I'd only missed five of the still burning houses.

Maybe there's something to be said about using hand-seals instead of trying to channel elemental chakra manipulations directly. Kami only knows how much chakra I wasted pulling that stunt.

I hit my knees a few seconds later after seeing two-thirds of the fires sputter out before my thermal vision, my hearing, and my sense of smell all seemed to die in unison.

Coughing slightly, I steadied myself against my staff before standing up straight.

Naruto better hurry the hell up with the rest of the houses, I can't channel a drop of chakra at the moment.

But at least I'm not passing out.

12 - 12 - 12 - 12 -

"I bet you think you're hot shit, don't you?" A deep, masculine voice called out from behind me.

I turn towards the sound out of politeness, but only just. I'm not even certain exactly where the voice came from. Between the lightheadedness and the impending headache from minor chakra exhaustion, I'm not exactly at 100%.

"It really burns me up when people can't mind their own business you know."

"Um... Sorry?"

"YOU SHOULD BE!"

Where the hell is Naruto?

"Sorry, but um... the houses were burning so I figured I'd help out."

"Like playing with fire do you?" the man asked in amusement, an odd condescending tone in his voice.

"Well, I wouldn't call myself a pyro..." I start with a smile, a few childhood memories coming to the forefront of my mind. "Though only because then people are less likely to lend me their matches."

Hey, cut me a break here. When you're entire world is darkness, the only pictures you see are those in your mind.

"Heh. A man after my own fiery soul." the man comments idly.

I dig into my pockets and pull out my pack, lighting up a stick and offering the pack in his general direction. "Smoke?"

A scaly, clawed hand envelops my own before pulling out a smoke from my pack.

He draws heavily enough from the cigarette that I can actual pinpoint where he's standing, admitting (if only to myself) that the scaly hand freaked me out more than a little bit.

I try to assume some sort of stance when he starts laughing in a rather demented manner, but I doubt I looked even remotely impressive at it.

Where the HELL is Naruto?!

There were like a hundred of the little brat running around two minutes ago and now I'm alone with some kind of cliche'd pyromaniac sub-human that probably started all these fires in the first place.

Considering just how MANY homes were lit up burning, the guy has to be a chakra monster on Naruto's level to even be standing.

The laughed slowed to a crawl, ending in a deeply foreboding chuckle. "You've burned a place in my heart little Nephilim. When we meet again, perhaps I'll REALLY heat things up." Heh. Stereotypical bad-guy type speech much?

Blink.

AWESOME!

I JUST MET MY FIRST B-MOVIE VILLAIN!

WICKED!

12 - 12 - 12 - 12 -

Okay, now that I've had a little more time to think about it, that kind of scared the crap out of me a little.

Nephilim.

Child of God and Man.

Was he talking about Kiba, or me?

Nephilim is _not_ a word I would expect to be thrown around in Naruto-verse.

Ever.

Naruto-verse was created with a heavy base on Hindu and Buddhism. Nagato's eyes, the fabled _Rinnegan_, is even **named** Samsara. The Wheel of Life. Each of Nagato's Six Paths of Pein are modeled and labeled after the six domains (or Universes) within the Wheel. The Deva Path, or the God Realm. The Asura Path, or Demigods Realm. The Human Path, or DUH!. The Animal Path, where presumably his summons come directly from the Animal Realm. The Preta Path, where he draws his ability to absorb chakra as those inhabitants of the Hungry Ghost Realm. Finally, the Naraka Path, or (for lack of a simpler description) Purgatory, where he can actually summon Yama himself (the God of Death) to provide rebirth for those recently deceased.

The similarities drawn from Hindu and Buddhist mythology span nearly the entire series.

But Nephilim.

Nephilim are a _Western_ creation.

No, I'm not saying 'creation' as in made-up, I'm saying 'creation' as in part of the Christian mythos. Technically a number of video games as well, but thats stretching things a little too far. Hmm... thought isn't Naruto technically just as 'fantasy' as a video game?

Which begs the question, if Narutoverse gives a twisted reality to Hindu and Buddhist mythos...

Where would a Nephilim come from? Fallen Asuras? Why would he say the English word Nephilim and not Asura then?

First this 'Inu-sama' that Mom... er... Kiba's mom... argh. TSUME is scared shitless of and now this. What the hell is going on?

Since there's not much I can do about it now, I guess I can forgive on what happened with all the Naruto clones. I'll admit there's a SLIGHT chance that MAYBE the distinct lack of backup MAY have been related to my actions. Not my FAULT of course, but POSSIBLY related.

Fun-Fact: Naruto clones have no heat signature.

"Are you even listening Aniki?" Naruto whines loudly, breaking my inner monologue.

I chuckle in amusement. I can't even fake it this time. "No, not really."

"UGH! What is WITH you lately?! Sheesh! You're about as talkative as the teme on a bad day."

"I've had a lot on my mind kohai." I toss out chidingly, giving a half-hearted smile. "You know. That squishy thin in your head you try and avoid using?"

"ANIKI!"

Heh. I win.

"Enough gakis. We're here. Keep your eyes peeled, this isn't the most reputable town." Oh ho. Serious Jiraiya. Haven't seen him since the whole debacle with trying to keep my chakra compressed and his pseudo orders pseudo advice on not doing it anymore. Advice which I've ignored entirely for at least an hour each day when he's not around since we left on this trip. Sure, I have to nearly constantly practice chakra control to keep my rapidly expanding chakra coils in some semblance of order, but I need the constant chakra boosting if only to keep up with Naruto's insane levels of growth.

Dead Las' My ASS.

Between his shadow clones, his nearly inexhaustible stamina (now that I've forcibly beaten the idea of chakra control into his head), a newfound understanding of battlefield tactics, and the Rasengan Naruto has surpassed me in nearly every conceivable way. Heh, except one. I'm still smarter than he is AND I have years of random anime, comic book, fiction, and fanfiction knowledge to draw upon.

"I SEE what your saying Pervy Sage," I growl out in a little but of annoyance. The left-over chakra exhaustion from yesterday hasn't really left me sufficient reserves to recreate my hearing, touch, and smell based 'sight' that I've enjoyed for the last week."I'll keep a close look out for anything that catches my EYE."

Bark! 'Might find her faster if I could go for a look around.'

I give a sharp tug on the leach currently latched around the runt's scrawny little neck. "No you won't. You'll be a good seeing eye dog for your blind and crippled master." I won't deny the slightest hint of smugness in my tone.

Bark. 'Crippled my ass.' He grumbled. Bark. 'And you are NOT my master. Inuzuka's are PARTNERS!'

I grin cheekily, ignoring (again) the scraping behind my eyes that such a facial expression causes. "Whatever helps you sleep at night and face the bitches with a little pride."

Bark. 'Uncool bro. Uncool.'

I hear a scuffle as Naruto edges closer. "Um... Aniki..."

"Yes?"

"People are staring."

I pretend to look around under my sunglasses, cocking my head slightly. The random chatter in the area has dropped off significantly. "OI! Ain't ya'll ever seen a guy abusing his dog before. MOVE ON!"

The chatter picks back up and I give a tug on Akamaru's leash to get him moving again. I go ahead and give him a solid whack with my staff as well to get the point across to the gossiping jerks around us.

Bark. 'This is SO degrading.'

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen...

"Hey Pervy Sage!"

Heh. ALMOST made it fifteen seconds. Technically an improvement. Maybe. I don't want to stifle the kid's undying... innocence and enthusiasm too much since most of his battles in the series were won using it, but it would be nice if I could help him temper it just a little better. Oh well.

"What gaki?" Jiraiya asked distractedly his voice coming from one direction then the other. If I were to guess (which I do) his head has probably been swaying back and forth since we entered the town while searching out his elusive team-mate. Or her boobs rather.

"Didn't you say there was a cool castle we could visit here?"

"Yeah. Open your eyes gaki, its off that way."

"Which way?"

"Are you BLIND gaki!?" I SWEAR if he doesn't stop with the blind jokes and references soon I'm going to shunshin his old wrinkled arse right into the middle of a retirement home orgy.

Provided I can find one.

"I'm GUESSING... that MAYBE... there isn't a castle there you old pervert!" Please note the sarcasm and annoyance.

"Yes there is, its right..."

Odd. See, now if the old pervert or the OTHER old pervert had been willing to tell me what happened during their fight with Orochimaru, I would _probably_ know whether the pedophile has something to do with the missing castle.

Seeing as the Sandaime is alive, that means that Orochimaru's arms never got sealed. Pretty much anything else the snake sennin can pretty much shrug off with his barfing jutsu.

Ugh. I HATE not knowing what's going on.

Oh well, time to find the old bat.

- 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 -

Um... HI!

UZUMAKI NARUTO here!

I know Aniki usually writes this stuff, but well... he's...

Anyway...

Aniki seems kinda pissed off about the rubble that used to be a castle. That thing had to be ENORMOUS. HUGE.

I bet Gamabunta is bigger than the castle used to be, but that's cause my summoning minion is awesome.

Oops... Heh... Don't tell him I said that? Please? Kay! Thanks!

I'm glad Aniki helped me out in training before the Chunin Exams. The only thing Pervy Sage taught me AT ALL is how to summon the toads and access fuzzbutt... err... the fox's chakra.

Which I totally mastered, because I am the great and awesome Uzumaki Naruto! -ttabayo!

But then Pervy Sage got all mysterious and told me that I couldn't even USE my new minions against Neji! It wasn't fair. I spent ALL that time training and... ugh... transforming for his ... "research" ... and he wouldn't even let me use the ONE thing he taught me.

Um... where was I?

Oh! Right!

The castle is still there, but in LOTS of pieces. I start sniffing for clues, but Aniki says he can smell snakes. I don't really know what snakes smell like, but there is a definite ...slimy smell around.

"Tsunade's definitely been here." That's pervy sage. He's kinda cool for an old pervert.

"Agreed." I glance over at Aniki. He looks really cool.

'_There is NO such thing as a stupid question when I'm around!'_

"Um... How come you know that Aniki?" I ask.

He glances at me and tosses me a fond smile. Aniki is really awesome.

"See this wall?" He asks, pointing with his staff at a pile of rubble despite the fact that he's BLIND! "The Slug Princess and Senju Heiress Tsunade is known for two things throughout the Elemental Nations. First is her mastery of iryo jutsu."

"Iryo jutsu?"

"Medical jutsus. For healing. Remember? Tsunade is the foremost medic currently known within the Elemental Nations. I'm not saying she's the best, only that she is _known_ as the best."

"Underneath the underneath right?" I ask, figuring he's talking (again) about people hiding their strength. I still don't get why Aniki wouldn't let me show off how strong or fast I've become outside of the two of us, but he thinks its important.

"Bingo." Ugh. Aniki has some really weird phrases. Why doesn't he ever talk normally? "The second thing she is known for, besides being a raging alcoholic with a hair trigger and a gambling problem, is her super strength. She probably destroyed this wall with her pinky."

"HER PINKY?" I yell out, shocked that a wrinkled old lady can be so powerful.

He nods, tapping the wall with his staff and I stare in awe as the rest of it crumbles to a pile of dust. "Her pinky."

"Wow. Is she really that strong?"

"You got it gaki!" Pervy Sage states cheerfully with a broad smile. "To my Hime this wall could just as well be made from paper. She packs one hell offa whallop."

Whatever that is.

Aniki shoulder bumps me and makes the sign for the shadow clone jutsu, smiling broadly. It takes me a second, but I grin back. Ten minutes later and I have three dozen clones combing through the city. Since they don't have an I.D. they can't get into the casinos or bars, but if the old lady pretending to be young is walking around at all, I'll know about it.

Shadow clones are so awesome.

We search for nearly the ENTIRE day for the old lady, but no such luck. Aniki keeps suggesting we go to some of the shady looking bars or casinos around (and especially the bar-casinos), but pervy sage is completely against them for some reason.

We finally give up and decide to get some dinner at one of the nearby cafes when pervy sage gasps loudly.

"Tsunade!"

They talk... and talk... and talk... old people are _so_ boring.

Aniki strikes up a conversation with nee-chan, but it sounds boring too.

Then pervy sage tells her that SHE had been selected to be HOKAGE!

OVER ME!

"What are you REALLY here for you old pervert?" Tsunade asks shrewdly, glaring at pervy sage despite the drunken flush on her face.

Pervy sage sighed and got a depressed look all the sudden. It was kinda weird. Pervy Sage doesn't get that look very often.

"This village wants you back Tsunade. You are being recalled officially."

"And this has... HEY YOU!" she shouted, pointing at Aniki. "STOP TRYING TO GET INTO MY APPRENTICE'S PANTS! SHE'S TOO OLD FOR YOU PERVERT! AND STOP TAPPING THAT DAMN STAFF!"

Even with his sunglasses and everything (Aniki took his hat off because where he comes from (where-ever THAT is) it is impolite to wear hats indoors), Aniki looked completely gobsmacked by the accusation. His mouth is hanging open and everything. Then his mouth closes with a snap and his lips narrow.

Uh-oh.

"I would thank you NOT to make unfounded accusations. I'm bartering for her healing services if you must know."

Tsunade guffaws loudly. "Sure thing kid. And I'm the Dalai Lama."

Aniki gets an even more confused look at that before shaking his head and addressing Shizune-nee-chan again. I can understand Tsunade's suspicion since the two of them have been whispering with each other since we found Tsunade. He also gestured a couple of times at his face and his pants.

"So cut the crap Jiraiya. Is the village in need of my healing or something? Has the medical wing grown so useless in the few years I've been gone? I know for a fact I haven't heard of any up and coming medics from Konoha. Kusa has a girl, but not that trash-heap village."

Aniki has that look on his face again though. He tries to hide it, but I've seen that look often enough. Aniki's thinking about his daughter again. It's still weird to think my classmate Kiba, who's only FIFTEEN, has a six year old daughter out there somewhere. I can tell he loves her too. Whenever he thinks he's alone (gogo Shadow Clones!) he always pulls the drawing he made out and stares at it for hours.

"Besides," Tsunade continues, eying Aniki suspiciously as he continues talking with Shizune-nee-chan, "I'll never go back to that hellhole and you know it you old pervert."

Pervy Sage heaves a sigh again. "We need you to come back for something far more important Tsunade. Sensei isn't getting any younger and the village is in shambles after our team-mate's visit a few weeks ago. The writing is on the wall and Sensei can see it, it is past time for him to retire.

"It can't be me for obvious reasons, so it has to be you."

Time seems to stop for a second as I realize what Pervy Sage is talking about. He couldn't. They wouldn't. She's a damned alcoholic for crying out loud!

"You've been chosen as the Godaime Hokage."

Aniki looks over at me, expecting my usual freak-out if his smirk is anything to go by, but his knowing grin zips my mouth shut. To prove him wrong if nothing else.

It isn't me that erupts.

"Shizune! Are you hearing this! Look at the utter _gall_ of the old pervert!" If Aniki's amused smirk is anything to go by, he wonders the same thing I do. Which pervert? "ME? Of ALL people they want ME to become Hokage of that kami-forsaken hell-hole? AS IF!"

Her eyes darken and she leans on both arms while standing over the table, looming dangerously as she hisses at Pervy Sage. "Listen to me VERY carefully. The position of Hokage is TRASH. WORSE than trash! A fool's bet if I ever heard of one! The previous Hokage's led futile lives leading a worthless village only to DIE for a village of ungrateful idiots who never truly appreciated their sacrifices!"

I wonder if Pervy Sage heard any of that since his eyes are locked entirely on her ginormous boobs. They. Are. HUGE.

Normally I probably would have gone off on her about insulting jiji, the Fourth, and the other Hokages, but...

Why is Aniki smiling?

"I'm honestly surprised Sensei hasn't gone and killed himself for the village yet. Bunch of worthless and idealistic old fools if you ask me."

"Take that back." Words come out of my mouth without even intending to, but she's making me so... so... angry! "If you know what's good for you, you'll take those WORDS BACK!" By the end of it, I've already left my chair. I would have grabbed the old hag by her kimono and screamed in her face if Aniki and Jiraiya weren't holding me back. "Jiji and all the rest should be respected! They are the strongest ninja in the village!"

"Oh, so you DID pick another one Jiraiya. Looks almost the same too!" she gives me a feral smirk, the hateful condescension I know from so many of the villagers gleaming in her eyes. "Doesn't look nearly as bright as your last one though."

I start leaking chakra the way Aniki taught me to, lacing my killer intent through the room. "You can insult me all you want, you old HAG, but Jiji is a HERO! Jiji and the Fourth! They are my heroes!"

"NARUTO! STAND DOWN!"

"Not until she apologizes." I hear myself say, too lost in the anger to rationalize anything.

Tsunade just glares.

"SHIZUNE! We're leaving."

"Oh hell no you're NOT!" Aniki...?

"And why not brat? I have better things to do than listen to this old pervert and his THIRD replacement blather on."

Aniki gives a rather impressive version of a glare despite his sunglasses and well... you know, being blind.

"BECAUSE. I just spent the last twenty minutes while you were drowning yourself in booze and self-deceit negotiating with your apprentice to get some actual healing. You know, that thing medics generally provide."

Oh. Aniki wants to get his eyes healed. That would be cool.

"Pfft. Like I care gaki. Find some other sap to cure whatever disease you managed to pick up from a local hooker. Shizune. Let's GO."

Aniki lifts his staff and blocks Shizune's path. He's got that look on his face again.

Ugh.

I sit down. This'll be a while. I love Aniki to death, but once he starts on his lectures its best to just take a seat.

"Do you ever want her to heal Shizune-san?" What is it Aniki calls it? A non-sitter?

He gestures with his free hand at the now fuming Tsunade. "This is what happens when people run away from themselves. She rationalizes herself in that she is somehow protecting you and continuing her chosen profession by supposedly 'teaching' you her craft. When in reality she's been using you as a crutch for the last fifteen years. If YOU are still with her Shizune-san, then obviously she has no reason to address her own woes."

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?"

Aniki just shifts his chin back to look at Tsunade again. It really is freaky how well he does that.

"I think the question should be, who do you think YOU are? Would Dan have EVER approved of the way you've treated Shizune for the last fifteen years? Would your grandfather?"

YYYYYYIIIIIPPPPP!

I blinked and Aniki was GONE. The old hag blasted him right through the wall! Poor Akamaru got yanked right out by his leash!

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!?"

"Shut up gaki. He had it coming! Enough of this. Shizune. Let's GO!"

(A/N: He had it comin', he had it comin'! He only has himself to blame... Sorry, but if you can't see Tsunade agreeing with the girls from the movie Chicago, you just don't know her that well.)

"A-Ano... Tsunade-sama... but..." Shizune-nee-chan glances at the hole that Aniki just got thrown through.

"WHAT?" the hag demands, stomping her foot hard enough to make the building shake.

Aniki still hasn't come back in. Shizune-nee-chan deflates visibly. The weird little dressed up pig in her arms honks. Jiraiya starts chuckling and shaking his head.

The old bat's going down.

A shadow clone appears and dispels, letting the rest of my clones spread throughout the city and the bar in on the plan.

Without warning or preamble, the fat brown-haired overweight civilian at the bar grabs his paid for, but un-drank, bottle of sake and breaks it over her rude Hokage-bashing decrepit old skull.

He vanishes in a puff of smoke from her backhand, but the timid, mousey looking fake-waitress manages to knock the Sennin straight through the hole Aniki made during his exit with her transformed shadow-clone serving platter.

I only vaguely know this as a couple of shadow clones dispel because I'm already headed out the hole to find Aniki. He's standing with his staff at the ready (and his hat back on) in the middle of the street.

Holy crap. Aniki looks PISSED!

The Baa-chan is nowhere to be seen. Neither is Akamaru.

"Hey Aniki... where's...?"

He lifted his free hand and pointed straight up with a smirk I recognize from numerous successful pranks. Either a shadow-clone or Aniki himself is flying straight up in the air while holding the old hag by her pigtails. The duo starts spinning faster and faster as Aniki (or his copy) spins her around by her hair. A poof of smoke erupts from the spinning duo and she alone starts falling back down.

Shadow clone then.

BOOM!

The ground cratered as she landed only a few feet in front of Kiba... err... Gary... or... um... let's stick with Aniki.

"You have a DEATH-WISH INUZUKA!?"

He inclined his head slightly before pointing his staff at Tsunade. "The question is not whether I have a death wish. The question is whether you do."

"AND WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"

He pointed his staff at me. "That is my kohai. Uzumaki Naruto."

She snorted, flicking a blonde hair out of her eyes. "Whoop-ty-friggin-do."

He acted unperturbed, but I noticed the slight tightening of his index finger on his staff. Aniki always goes on and on about tells. I know his tells like the back of my hand. Aniki's angry at the old bat for some reason. REALLY angry. He's shrugged off much worse things from people a whole lot nastier, but this woman's words just set him off like nothing else.

Tsunade... is slightly disappointing. She's supposed to be a Sennin, one of the three greatest shinobi to have come out of the Second Shinobi World War. She's supposed to be an even better shinobi than Pervy Sage on the very level of Jiji himself. Yet her eyebrow is twitching in annoyance. Her eyes keep dilating and reversing. She's troubled, unsure.

I know for sure before meeting Aniki I'd never have noticed any of these things, but running dozens of shadow clones throughout the village each day purely for people watching has improved more than just my vocabulary.

"I repeat." Aniki says in that annoyed 'you are an idiot' voice he does. "That is U-Z-U-M-A-K-I Naruto."

"And I'm the Daiymo's daughter, what is your POINT gaki?"

"It appears you are missing it. His ancestry is showing through more than you know. Whom does that _blonde_ hair remind you of _Senju_?"

Her eyes dilated even more and a short gasp escaped her mouth. She said... _something_, but I didn't catch it. Nakatni maybe?

"Yes."

She frowned and shook off whatever bothered her, her eyes narrowing. "So what?"

He smiled and his hand relaxed. The confident smile he always gets when he seems like he knows exactly what is about to happen. He always worries that his presence is going to get me killed.

It... is odd knowing that Aniki doesn't really care about anyone else but Tenten and me. I still don't get it. I'm nothing special.

"A bet then."

"A bet on what gaki?"

"Heads or tails. Heads, you fight the gaki to decide whether you come back with us. Tails you play me in a game of blackjack. Winner takes all. You win and I leave, without what money I have on me. I win and you come back with us, I get iryo-jutsu training, and you heal my damn eyes."

"Your eyes gaki?"

Aniki scoffs and pulls off his glasses. "Some medic you are. I'm BLIND BAA-CHAN."

The old bat scoffed, but agreed to the bet.

When she tried to sneak off into a nearby casino to escape her side of the bet, Aniki unleashed his newest jutsu on the poor occupants of the casino. It was so bad the air in the building looked green.

Baa-chan got REALLY pissed.

The last paragraph being why Aniki couldn't write this section.

- 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 -

Ah.

Tanzaku Gai. Tourist hub, gambling den, and... hmm... better not let Naruto see that side of town. Better still, I can actually SEE it now!

Thank you Ms. Forever-Spinster Shizune!

Poor girl.

About the only good damn thing about today.

"_Bout time you let me out Chucky my boy!"_

No, it's not the Red Light district I'm talking about. Apparently Naruto already avoids the place like the plague. Get this though, his reasoning has nothing to do with his pink-haired banshee based trauma-induced fear of perversion. Naruto can actually SMELL the diseases most of the 'ladies' carry and doesn't like to think about (aka: get depressed over) the fact that many of the girls probably won't live through more than a couple of years. Worse part is, now that he's pointed it out... I can smell it too. Those girls have some serious medical issues. I wonder if they know the cures for gonorrhea or syphillis here? Kami I need to learn how to read so I know what the hell Kiba's medical report actually says.

No, the reason I'm keeping Naruto away from part of the town is the same reason I intend to visit before we leave. Have a POINTED conversation you might say. I have **more** than enough motivation for it at the moment and what they are doing is most certainly illegal in the Fire Nation. Its practically my patriotic duty to waste the lot of them.

"_Fancy meeting YOU again eh Nephilim?"_

Twice now. Twice I've heard that damn word. Without pausing in my walk, I turned and spit dismissively on the sign proudly stating: _'Auction Today! All ages!'_

The medics back at the hospital were both right and wrong. When Tsunade finally got after my eyes, they were completely unable to be healed. Had she actually been there within the first week (maybe even the second week) of the porcelain shards blasting through my eyes she could have healed them easily.

"_What, you really thought your precious Georgie-boy could have done that?"_

Luckily, or unluckily depending on your perspective, I was already aHEAD of the game on getting a new pair of eyes.

It was a lucky thing because the head of the Jashinist Oto-jonin from the Chunin Exam Invasion actually managed to survive being sealed into a standard storage seal despite all evidence pointing towards how deadly it could be to seal a living being into a storage school (that isn't even touching on the previous impossibility of it being done at all other than by a handful of Seal Masters over the centuries). Being a Jashinist gave the man the unrivaled ability to live through anything, even that which should be a statistical impossibility.

"_She tasted...MMMFFFGGGG"_

Seeing as Tsunade still has her whole blood-phobia thing, the operation fell on Shizune's shoulders to perform even if I managed to kick Tsunade's ass at Blackjack. Then I beat her two out of three. Then I beat her four out of seven. Then I beat her ass six out of ten. That woman didn't get the moniker 'The Legendary Sucker' for nothing.

Considering the only part of the Oto-nin I actually have is the head, the profusely bleeding head mind you, paired with the fact that extracting eyeballs (versus healing them) is actually a bloody process and you see why Tsunade couldn't be the one to change out my eyes.

His words though...

His ENGLISH words...

I shoved a rag in his mouth before he could say more, but you can bet your ass I sealed his head back in cold storage to find out what he knows later. The question is not whether I get the information out of him, its whether I have someone else do it so I don't end up cutting out his damn tongue. The Sandaime can read English right, maybe he can speak it as well.

That voice.

I've always known something was off about Georgie that night. We'd been best friends for years and I would have sworn under weeks of torture that my friend didn't have a violent bone in his body.

Yet the sheer vehemence and hate in his voice that night...

The only downside to the new eyes are my inherited genetics from my world. Shizune estimated that within the next three weeks at least the Oto-nin... or whatever he is... his eyes would revert to my own prescription.

FML on that one.

Guess I'll never manage to get out of wearing glasses.

Akamaru got left behind again, though it took three steaks and a promise that we would actually practice combination maneuvers on the way journey home to convince the little runt to stay at the hotel. He's been surprisingly clingy lately. Same with Naruto actually. Speaking of steaks... I think I can smell a butcher down the next street... Yum...

"Who was she?"

"GGGAAAAHHHH!"

Let it be known that a not drunk Tsunade is FAST. I didn't smell or hear her coming. Like Itachi and Kisame she was just _there_.

Clearing my throat (my pride, and my embarrassment), I look back over the crowds and crashed on a nearby bench. "Come again?"

"Tch. I might not have been in the room gaki, but I can hear well enough. You and that talking head have a past, more of one than the rather interesting circumstances the old pervert tells me you arrived here with. So who was she?"

This is not a conversation I want to have at the moment, but the woman is supposed to be the next Hokage. Not that she's given us an affirmative yet, regardless of my kicking her ass in Blackjack. "My daughter."

"I see."

I swallow thickly, my eyes tracking a genially smiling father as he helps his little girl up on to their cart, nuzzling their noses together for a moment as if the world around them doesn't matter in the slightest. The world barely existed for the pair. "No, you really don't." I'm not going to elaborate.

She frowns, her eyes tracking the same loving moment my own are. We're two bystanders to a cherished moment in time, something both will probably look back on fondly for the rest of their lives.

Fondly or with guilt.

Oh so much guilt.

A parent should never have to bury their child.

Hope...

_Where are you?_

"_Fancy meeting YOU again eh Nephilim?"_

- 12 - 12 - 12 - 12 -

Author's Note:

I find myself amused that I'm only a couple hundred words (actually about 2.0k counting AN's) short of the 100k 'mark' to end the first 'Arc' (Chunin Exam/Retrieval Arc) in my story. With a re-write, I probably would have hit around 100 - 125k, so I'm rather satisfied with the story-growth so far.

**Next time on What Else?:**

The changes **truly** begin!


End file.
